Over the last few weeks I've been reflecting on my Wife's motivations, which lead to her wants and desires. My thinking is, if I can understand what the attractions are to her as a Dominatrix, I can better please her as a submissive. At the core it's understanding what she likes best about our FLR. For her it's Control, followed by Independence, followed by Enjoying the hurt. Let me explore each in detail. Control: She insists on having everything in order, no surprises, all running smoothly and according to plan. With respect to me, she wants me demure, calm, and compliant. She openly uses chastity to keep my hormones in check, keeping me in this quiet and calm state. For her, this is a tool that she will never ever give up. For me, it means 24/7 chastity with 1-2 releases per month. The only outlet I get is that she does enjoys providing ruined orgasms, which keeps the hormones up for me while allowing her to enjoy inflicting pain (point 3). For better or worse, in her care I will be locked in chastity forever. While I fret at the frustration, I enjoy the emotional calm and accept that perpetual chastity is the path she has chosen for me and that path will not change. I am used 3-4 times a week for her sexual pleasure, but my penis is not part of this activity. If I sound bittersweet, well... I love making love to my Mistress. I have learned to enjoy and cherish the few minutes she allows me. (She only allows me penetration for my benefit. As such I am expected to enter her and enjoy a release, clean her up, and thank her.) Independence: She doesn't need men, or a husband. She calls me a luxury, not a necessity. Included in that is a desire to enjoy other lovers (not necessarily male). She had a very controlling childhood- to the point she ran away when she was 16. She started dating me at 19 and married me at 23. Since then we've had kids. Time to herself, time to run her life her way, has not been plentiful for her. She craves that ability to run her life her way. That leads me to Enjoying the hurt: Since we embarked on this journey of FLR, she has found she loves to hurt me. It makes her drippy wet and she grins from ear to ear. We are hopelessly in love with each other, so she is conflicted with this, often holding back because she feels guilty for enjoying it. As a sub, I want to give her every pleasure I can, so I desire enduring pain play for her. It's taken a lot of after-care for my Domme, and lots of talks, to get her to where she is open with this side of herself. She has a complete lack of empathy for others, so she compensates on the side of kindness to cover for that. That adds just another stumbling block for her. But this is where all the really juiciest parts of D/s play comes from! It's the S/M part of BDSM. The rough pegging, the vocal humiliation, the spanking, the cropping, and the whipping. When she gets going with impact play, her goal is to mark me up. Stripes. She wants me to feel it for DAYS. Then there are the pointed reminders that I must shop at Victoria Secret if I expect to be permitted any clothes in her bed. Your penis is retired. You can't even touch yourself with permission.... and you definitely don't have rights to this pussy. And ultimately even the desire to cuckold. She doesn't just want to enjoy other men by herself. Oh no! That has no appeal at all for her! Instead she wants to enjoy them in front of me, staring at her caged husband who is prohibited from touching her while she enjoys other men... It's the ultimate pain, is it not? So that's my thumbnail sketch of my Dominatrix, and that gives me some of the insights I need to please her. -Always cede control to her. Always be calm and compliant. Do as I'm told without complaint. She doesn't really seek or care about service submission, but if I'm told to do something I'm expected to do it immediately. -Always look for things that let her be independent. For example, this weekend she is taking a long weekend vacation trip to another state, without me. I will remain behind to run her company and her household. I'll be along in a sense....she will have the Key displayed on a chain around her neck. I have no spare. -Understand that she enjoys humiliating and whipping me, and that these activities in no way mean she hates me or doesn't treasure me. She indeed loves me with all of her being, and I must insure that she understands that I accept her play without judgement and without resentment. -The final thought is when she tells me often. "You are loved, protected, and owned." I must always remember I am her treasure so I must take care of myself, mentally and physically, so that she can fully enjoy my submission to her. Sorry for the long read. This is as much for me to read and understand as anyone else. I of course welcome any comments or insights, but please don't be judgmental. My life isn't for everyone and it won't make sense to some.
You know, it does make sense. I hope you are getting all that you need as well. You sound very thoughtful and caring. Yes, your life is different. And it sounds rich. How many long-term relationships are you acquainted with that have lost their spark and continue on through momentum, living as roommates? If you are fulfilled in your submission to her, you are a very lucky man.
Wow what a wonderful description of your relationship . So, my relationship with my Mistress ( ok, mine lives abroad) and we've not seen each other in over 20 month mirrors many of the parallels that you have - how things evolve when we meet up , I've no idea - unfortunately we really don't do distance domming - it doesn't work for her lifestyle ( mainly) and it's not great for me ( that though is the least of her worries). We have a sort of mantra that can be best described: Control - when in her presence I'm always to be controlled - to do everything that Mistress wishes Obedience - I'm to obey Mistress at all times to ensure that she is see to be in Control Ownership - Mistress loves to play with me constantly about her constant and long term ownership of me - body ( especially cock) and mind ( constantly reminding me of the pictures she has of me ) Power - she relishes the power she has over me - one of her close friends knows f our relationship - she is increasingly involved in our relationship - the two really play off each other - I have to please both . Sorry to ramble - none of this detracts from what you wrote earlier - I really empathise with your position - whilst my position is sort of in limbo I crave to be back serving and being owned .
It does sound like you understand the roles in your marriage and relationship. Hope it continues to work for you or if not, you find ways to continue to be what each other needs.
I had a feeling my Wife was planning a reset. Sure enough my Wife informed me last night that She wishes to reorganise 'Her toolbox' of things used to insure my submission: - Unknown to me, She had purchased a cane and even had taken some lessons how to use it. After introducing as a new tool in the arsenal, I immediately got marked up with it and then taken to a mirror so She could show me her handiwork. She is going to stop with the whip entirely (I'm not sad about that). The spanker is only for punishment. For her pleasure, she will stick to the cane, her array of crops, and flogging. - I am to get a membership to the local swingers club as She intends to start going there for femdom events. - I have a pledge that I recite to her nightly. The pledge is to be enhanced to indicate a few new titles for Herself that She thinks are important for me to use to reinforce my place in the household. - Long-term chastity is fully on the table now. I will no longer be getting full orgasms once or twice or month. She did not elaborate on what long-term actually means as that is not important for me to know, but while she loves my cock it's going to be kept locked much more stringently. - One other huge, large concession to Her Authority I will keep private for now.