Erotic Writing (Self-Critiques)

Servitude and Cornish Seas: Critique of "Part 5"

In terms of BDSM scene negotiation and the relationship development between Brian and Emily, I had a few ideas such as where "villainess Emily" finds something to blackmail Brian with but then her character becomes more unrelatable and there's issues with writing the consensual non-consent stuff due to the character dynamics. On the other hand, "wholesome Emily" discovers Brian's passion for kink when he encounters her dungeon and persuades him into a female led relationship but then I would have to find some reason for Brian to go to her house which is already difficult to do because at the beginning of the story they don't get along.

So far, it feels like I have to ignore the criticisms that the plot development is too slow at the beginning of Book One but at the same time I have to discover developments that don't reek of plot convenience. On the subject of farcical lines where the writing is supposed to communicate the fact that it's intentionally bad, I think I just need to make sure that the story development does not depend on this comedic element - i.e. it can exist as a standalone script. Then, if I want to make it farcical or parodic at a later stage in certain places, the act of inserting these lines is supported by the strong sense of structure from the story and putting these lines in makes the texture "richer" rather than "thinner". I think that is the answer to this particular dilemma I've had.

As for the inconvenience in putting in more parts that involve BDSM scene negotiation, I concede that currently, it's extremely inconvenient between parts 2 & 3. However, at the end of scene 3, she says she is going to text Brian details of the venue. If I want the setting to be consensual non-consent but I want to stick with the idea of Emily as a vilainness, she could be "dirty texting" him commands about things she wants him to do at the party, so he theoretically has knowledge of these things beforehand and could walk away but decides to remain, even though he is unsure about certain aspects. Perhaps he finds the bigger picture more erotic, so he is willing to engage in things he doesn't believe he will initially like? Or perhaps he insists certain things have to be left out of such a scene and Emily begrudgingly complies for a few small concessions.

After Part 3, there is also plenty of room of scene negotiation but although I vaguely mentioned that Emily had been texting Brian after Part 2, I made no mention of this at all. It just goes directly from:

To:

And then there are the usual cringeworthy lines about how consent had already been previously negotiated:

I don't have much to say about the quality of erotic writing in this scene apart from what's been mentioned above because most of it seems to be above or usual standard for the writing scenes so far. Of course, that doesn't mean I can't go over the writing later to find out what else there may be to add. Especially if much of it comes across as "porn script", I'll come back to that at some other point.

 

Servitude and Cornish Seas: Part 6, the Pool (Conclusion to Book One)

Sparkling, vibrant ripples, radiant shining heat and bright cyan blue skies. The communal pool space was owned by a gathering of women from fetworld who shared the apartments with Goddess Emily. She had given detailed, firm instructions to Brian and Princess Lily on how to spend all morning cleaning the pool side and clearing the leaves from the pool itself, so it's no wonder everything looked vibrant and fresh.

Now it was the hottest part of the day at noon and Brian, stripped down completely naked was throbbing in his cage at the sight of Princess Lily who had been permitted to wear beautiful pinkish/purpleish yoga shorts and an extremely tight, cream white tube top. Blood flushed through his partially erect penis as it swelled against the spikes - sharp, vibrant, erotic pains that flowed through his pelvic floor muscles and anus to the full length of his spine - icy chills against the hot weather making him lust for Princess Lily's tight curves. He was naked but decorated with lines of dark blue, green and black body paint and around his eyes also.

Busty Goddesses from the apartment block laughed at Brian under the shelter of their beach umbrellas as they drank cocktails he and Princess Lily had bought them from earlier on in the morning. They lay there with there bikinis revealling their gorgeous stomachs, breasts and smooth legs as they laughed every time Brian winced in pain from staring at Princess Lily's curves. One of them was actually making a tally of the number of times Brian's eyes deviated where they were not supposed to as per Goddess' Emily's rules so that she could punish him later.

But Princess Lily pretended not to notice how flustered Brian was so that she could make friendly chat with him and make frequent accidental contact, as she figured he was the kind of guy that needed as much attention and to get as hot and bothered as possible. Constantly aroused, the way Goddess Emily wanted to keep her male submissive fuck toy as he was about to become, which was why she had came and requested that he take 50 mg of viagra an hour ago.

After the pool became busy enough, Goddess Emily was ready to make her appearance. Femdom DJs bust out hip hop lyrics from female artists vividly describing acts of oral servitude and pegging as Emily confidently strut from the path leading to the pool from the apartments like it were a catwalk. She wore a tight grey blue tube top that barely covered her breasts, the bottom halves of them poking out underneath, a ribbon tying the top to her rib cage tightly fastened underneath and another ribbon tied around her stomach, fastened to her hips and v-shaped knickers.

She walked to the stage and grabbed a microphone as all the female dommes aggressively screamed in applause. "It's time!" she yelled and as part of a consensual non-consent scene she had previously negotiated with Brian, two strong, fit professional wrestler dommes with nice, toned bodies came and arm locked Brian from behind. A third aggressively grabbed Brian by the chastity cage and pulled him to the other side of the pool where judo matts had been lain out.

All the Dommes crowded around to watch them pin him down, tie his arms behind his back, then twist his balls and apply electric shocks with the cattle prod until his mouth opened wide enough for the mouth gag. Then they also tied his ankles together loosely so he could only hobble along and attached a leash onto his spiked chastity cage, his cock throbbing hard. This was for Goddess Emily to walk over and lead Brian back to the stage while the female dommes all around cheered aggressively.

"Now it's time for Act One of 'Brian loses the v-card'!" Goddess Emily cheered and all the femdommes cheered too. Princess Lily came over now to give a special performance while Brian watched totally naked but for his spiked chastity cage.

"Look but do not touch," Goddess Emily instructed, and Princess Lily prepared to perform as Goddess Emily stimulated Brian's penis inside his chastity cage with a vibrator, his arms still tied behind his back. And Princess Lily began her yoga performance on her knees on a platform above Brian's head. First she adjusted her waistband and then she smiled eloquently at her audience before raising her hands into a graceful kneeling sun salutation above her head.

Goddess Emily slid her fingers down and began fingering her own clit under her kinckers.

"You are only to orgasm at the same time as me: I will tell you when I am ready to come and you will get a countdown so that we may both orgasm together."

Brian looked confused.

"Of course, you will be having sex today after you come. We will wait a few hours so you can get hard again. Don't be picky about getting to orgasm through sex first and just be grateful for what you get."

The clarification was made and smiling sweetly, the very pretty Princess Lily returned her hands to her lap and repeated a few more kneeling sun salutations. Then she plant both hands into the ground, turned around into all fours pushing her juicy, succulent butt just inches away from Brian's face before moving into a half splits position, her right knee kneeling and her graceful, smooth left leg stretched out to the side with the chastity key dangling from her ankle bracet making percussive metallic chiming sounds.

She pushed her butt back and forth over her bare soles, closer into Brian's face. Then she pointed her pretty rainbow painted toes on the left foot up before returning her foot to the ground, delicately. Next, she moved her left foot closer to do the same position but with her right foot and pretty rainbow painted toes on her left foot outstretched.

Momentarily she flowed into standing forward fold, her legs wide and her pretty face dangling between them, gazing into Brian's eyes before returning to all fours, her nice round ass once again in Brian's face. She spread her knees wide, pushing her groin deep into the ground, orgasmically, thus accentuating her curves. But this time, the soles of her feet were inches away from the edge of the platform, where Brian could see directly.

And now Princess Lily leaned into the wall next to get a wonderful arch in her lower back, teasing Brian ecstatically. Next, she lifted her toes, bringing her heels towards her butt and returned to all fours position. She rounded her spine, then arched it, diving towards the floor like a dolphin, her butt just above surface, accentuated by the arch in her lower back. And she held this position for a few moments deliberately - just to taunt Brian, precum dripping from his spiked cage while continually being buzzed by Goddess Emily's vibrator, herself masturbating freely and furiously.

Next, Princess Lily dipped her hips into the ground and raised her chest, pulling her head back with her sleek, flowing hair and pulling her beautiful legs wider. Then to conclude the performance she pulled her toes under her heels and pulled herself into downward dog while Goddess Emily began counting down from ten.

But when she got to two and Brian was so close to orgasm, Goddess Emily, who was able to have multiple orgasms which Brian could not, quickly pulled the vibrator away from his spiked cock cage and came herself groaning ecstatically. Then she turned to Brian and smirked,

"Sorry pet, I accidentally pulled the vibrator away from you. Better luck next time though!"

Now Goddess Emily lead Brian towards stage by the leash to his cock cage and the femdoms could not contain their wild orgasmic frenzy of laughter and excited cheering and yelling. "Fuck him stupid! Fuck him stupid!" one of them yelled. And Goddess Emily instructed him to kneel while she walked behind a curtain that was held up by two of the wrestler femdoms. She walked back out with her 10 inch, girthy pink dildo attached to her strap on harness with a vibrator part inside her lubricated pussy, stimulating both her g-spot and clitoris. She was facing her submissive so that Brian, who was completely naked, would not be able to see any nudity himself.

Even though this had all previously been negotiated, Brian looked shocked. "Don't worry pet," said Goddess Emily. "Although you'll be sucking my thick juicy strap on now, I'll still be fucking you later. Now get ready for this, I know you did very well taking my feet ankle deep last time, being my fuck slut bitching fuck toy and all but this time you'll be taking something even longer down your throat. And I certainly don't want any gagging."

This was all microphoned so that the Dommes in the audience could hear everything she was saying. "She doesn't want any gagging" one of them audibly scoffed. As Princess Lily came over to kneel down next to Brian, Goddess Emily slapped in him the face with her vibrant pink dildo and the crowd cheered. "How do you like that bitch? Rocking out, with my cock out, you know how it is!"

Princess Lily had a vibrator which she began to use to stimulate Brian's cock cage as she fingered herself down her pink yoga shorts. Next, Goddess Emily leaned down to examine Brian's penis briefly before standing tall again. "So cute! It's a shame you're not a bit larger down there otherwise perhaps you'd be the one getting a blowjob. No problem for me though - I personally love cute things."

"So cute" - murmurs from the crowd. "Anyway, that's why you have to suck - because you are a fucking beta bitch. Now I'm going to fuck your mouth, your whore mouth," said goddess Emily and without warning, she roughly slid the long girthy pink dildo all the way and Brian choked. "NO gagging!" she hissed and Brian did everything he could to control the gag reflex. Immediately she began ramming her cock in.

"Ohhh! It's big. You like big. But you have a small one. Because you're just my cute lil fuck toy bitch, aren't you? A virgin bitch with a small dick. Suck it, take it deeper!" Goddess Emily thrust her tight ass, pushing her hips deep in Brian's face while he tried to disguis the fact he was still gagging as the dildo painfully rammed down his throat. Princess Lily stared at Brian's handsome face, mesmerised at his wincing while Goddess' Emily pink dildo thrust in and out. She lightly gasped and moaned while she fingered herself, keeping the vibrator tightly held over Brian's spiked cock cage.

Goddess Emily was tired with all these thrusts so she pulled out of Brian's mouth for a minute to turn her attention to Princess Lily. But Brian's mouth was not given a break as one of the wrestler Dommes pulled over a stpol and foot fucked Brian's mouth ankle deep, just as he had been trained to receive.

The wrestler Domme masturbated furiously. Goddess Emily was much more gentle with Princess Lily who was allowed to apply tender delicate licks up and down the shaft of the pink dildo before she put just the tip in her soft mouth. Goddess Emily only thrust the dildo in half way admiring Princess Lily's sensuous nature.

One of the things that had been negotiated beforehand was for the wrestler Domme to pinch Brian's nose for 30 seconds before releasing. She did this but he could not gasp for air because her foot after she let go because she was still ankle deep down his throat and so he had to breathe desperately through his nostrils. Goddess Emily pushed her dildo into Princess Lily's mouth a little deeper but not much. After the wrestler Domme pulled out her foot to squirt her delicious female juices directly into Brian's mouth, pried open by the O ring gag, Goddess Emily was ready to roughly fuck Brian's mouth again, which she did without hesitation.

"Ohhh! I love your mouth on this thing. You envy women with big pink dildos, don't you? Because you have a small precious little willy. All the women here would like to be fucked with a big pink dildo like this by a goddess like me and subjugate a man with cute little assets like yourself."

"Ohhh!" Goddess Emily's dildo was pressing directly into her g-spot as one of the wrestling Dommes went to get a tube and fake cum. "Suck it, bitch! You - fucking - bitch!" then she pulled out and exploded fake cum all over Brian's face while she simultaneously had a second orgasm, courtesy of the vibrator pressing into her g-spot. Most of her pussy juices also made it onto Brian's face and in his mouth. Princess Lily took her hands away from her pussy and Brian's cock cage, resting the vibrator against it and used her fingers to delicately scoop the fake cum off Brian's face, feeding it into his mouth, pried open by the O ring gag.

Next, Goddess Emily pressed her foot onto Brian's chest and pushed him down to the ground and Princess Lily swivelled around to face him closely, sitting her bum down on the floor. "Now it's time to get fucked!" The crowd cheered hard. "Yes Brian," she said to him directly. "You're finally going to lose your v-card one way or the other. But first I want to see if your cock has grown any larger since putting it in this chastity cage - Princess Lily."

Princess Lily put one of her soft, delicate feet on Brian's chastity cage and dangled the key from her ankle chain with the other foot over his lock. Goddess Emily leaned over to take the key and unlock Brian's chastity cage and take it off while Princess Lily softly stroked his penis up and down with her other foot. "I want you to hurry up and get hard. No fucking will take place if you don't get hard quickly." Instructed Goddess Emily and Brian desperately tried to focus but it was too hard.

"Mistress Jane, slap his face." The wrestler Domme nodded, pulled up her stool and began slapping Brian in the face with her foot for keeping the frustrated Goddess Emily waiting. Goddess Emily removed the pink dildo from the strap on harness. "It's hard!" Exclaimed Princess Lily, excitedly. "Oh excellent, let's see," said Goddess Emily, gently moving Princess Lily's foot off Brian's cock with her hand and putting the large 10 inch pink dildo down to compare size.

"Looks like you've had some bad luck Brian," Goddess Emily smirked. "Your penis is not the same size as my dildo. I would say I'm disappointed but actually I'm not, I'm very excited because it means you will continue to be my greatly desired, submissive little bitch. All the things I've done to you so far ... well now we've got something very big in store. But first, like I said, your penis has not grown larger. In fact, let's grab this measuring tape." Goddess Emily measured Brian's penis.

"In fact, it's shrunk - you are now down to just 5 inches. How does that feel Brian? You lost an entire inch! Your penis is even cuter and more precious now!" Brian could not say anything because of his O ring gag. "Anyway, it's hard and we have to get that penis back in the chastity cage for what's to come. Mistress Jane." Mistress Jane nodded and walked over to punch, and knee Brian in the balls while trying to cram it into the chastity cage. But Brian was so aroused he could not get his erection down and Goddess Emily was furious, so she grabbed the cattle prod and began zapping him in the balls.

Eventually Brian became just partially erect, and Mistress Jane was able to cram his penis into the spiked chastity cage. "Don't worry Brian you are still going to lose your v-card and get a good fuck," asserted Goddess Emily, sarcastically pretending to be sympathetic. "An anal fuck!" She shouted, looking around at her orgasmically excited audience and they all cheered loudly as she placed her large pink dildo back in the strap on harness.

With that, she got the three wrestler dommes to lift Brian onto an elevated platform and place a harness on Brian to get a good grip on him. "Mistress Jane will be fucking you very shortly but I want to be the first to do it," she said, whacking her dildo against Brian's smaller penis in a mocking but affectionate fashion after she had approached the platform with Brian's legs suspended in the air.

"I could have used the lube from your deepthroating and all that gagging you did," said Goddess Emily. "But instead, I'm going to wipe this dildo dry," she laughed sadistically while drying the large pink dildo with a clean, silver handkerchief and placed a condom over it. She didn't waste time trying to finger Brian, or slide just the tip in very gently either. She gripped his harness firmly and pushed it all the way in. "Ahhhh!" Brian gasped through the O ring gag. Of course, this had all been consensually negotiated beforehand, but it still took him by surprise.

"I do prefer this position to having you bent over," said Goddess Emily. "It's not that I don't want you all bent over, vulnerable and submissive. But looking you in the eye while I fuck you - you know who's boss." Goddess Emily thrust her dildo into Brian's ass. "Your a fuck toy slut for Goddess Emily," said Goddess Emily to Brian, then she thrust it again. "Your a fuck toy slut for Goddess Emily," said Goddess Emily to Brian.

"You like being called a bitch - look at your eyes. You're like, 'wow, take me, Goddess Emily," she said, thrusting in and out. The vibrator pressed into her clitoris and g-spot from the motions. "Ohhh! This is perfect for me. I could have you like this all the time, just fucking you like this. Mmmmm."

"Princess Lily," Emily instructed and Lily went and sat on Brian's face as previously arranged, smothering him in her yoga shorts teasing him with his inability to directly access her sweet pussy this way. With this, Goddess Emily fucked him hard and harder, until she finally came a third time, squirting over his cock which throbbed inside his chastity cage. Then she pulled out and instructed Mistress Jane to have her turn with her own dildo, which she did, grabbing Brian's harness and fucking him even harder than Goddess Emily did. Princess Emily looked down at Brian's face and smiled adoringly.

Then Goddess Emily walked around, leaned over and whispered into Brian's ear "Your not a virgin anymore." Then she cackled, "well, certainly not an anal virgin anyway!" One of the wrestler dommes pulled over a stool to sit on and stimulate Brian's spiked chastity cage with her feet and the vibrator as Goddess Emily delicately pulled down Princess Lily's yoga shorts and gently pressed her bum down, smothering Brian's mouth with her juicy tight, pink pussy. She let Princess Lily grind for a bit while she took the condom off the dildo and applied lubrication. She did not want Princess Lily to feel any pain, unless it was the good variety, so Princess Lily grinded on Brian's face until she felt ready. Then, Goddess Emily got up on the table and put in just the tip of the large pink dildo into Princess Emily's pussy on all fours above Brian's face.

"I'm not going to get all the way in just yet," Goddess Emily assured the sweet, delicate Princess Lily. "I will get a bit deeper soon but you just tell me if it's too much." She moved the tip of the large pink dildo around gently swaying her hips around just a little bit. Then she moved the large pink dildo in just half way, and Lily groaned softly. "Let me know if you want a smaller dildo babe."

But Princess Lily was made of sturdy stuff and she said, "please fuck me deep, Goddess Emily. All the way, right over Brian's face." And Goddess Emily was happy to oblige. "Oh, thank you Goddess Emily, thank you so much," Princess Lily moaned and Goddess Emily thrust her hips, driving down into Princess Emily's ass, thus pushing her pussy deeper into Brian's face. Then Goddess Emily reached under Princess Lily and pinched Brian's nose for 1 full minute before releasing, forcing him to gasp for air at the sides of his mouth as he was still smothered by Princess Lily's pussy. It had all been previously negotiated but all of this still managed to take Brian by surprise.

"Fuck me harder, Goddess Emily. Oh, please fuck me harder Goddess Emily," Princess Lily begged and Goddess Emily was happy to oblige. They both came together and Princess Lily's pussy juicy's squirted directly into Brian's mouth. She went to grab a stool as Goddess Emily took off the strapon harness and thrust the large pink dildo far down Brian's mouth, making sure he swallowed every single last drop of Princess Lily's delicious pussy juices. Princess Lily pulled the stool next to Brian's head, sat on it, rinsed her feet in warm, soapy water and then put her feet over his face because she really liked having Brian worship her feet.

Goddess Emily leaned over Brian and asked him, "So, do you really want to fuck then?"

"Ah-ah," Brian attempted to say yes and Goddess Emily understood.

"Awww, did you really want me to take of your cute little chastity cage and fuck your dick?"

"Ah-ah."

"Well ok then," said Goddess Emily and she rested the large pink dildo on Brian's chest and said,

"Congratulations - this is now your dick, it's certainly much larger than your other one, I'm proud of you Brian!" Laughing, she temporarily moved Princess Lily's feet to cruelly spit in his mouth before putting them back in place, then she removed the spiked chastity once more as the wrestling Domme stimulated his penis back to a 5 inch erection and Mistress Jane continued to fuck him in the ass. She tied the strap-on harness around his waist, firmly on top of his erect penis.

"So, like I said, I'm actually so happy you have a small penis. Like I said, I just adore cute things. And with this large penis, well we have a very happy solution because it means we get to have regular intercourse and, size queen that I am, I get to feel stimulation. You're so lucky, Brian."

Goddess Emily kneeled down, resting her butt into Brian's balls and thrusting forwards into his erect dick and the plastic one as Mistress Jane continued to fuck him in the ass.

"I am veeery excited about this right now," she said grinding her butt into Brian's balls. Then she laughed. "Well, I get satisfied anyway. I can see how it may be a little uncomfortable for you," and she put some extra lubrication onto the pink dildo.

"Anyway," she said, lightly pressing the tip of the dildo into her pussy. "I'm a firm believer that given enough time, you can get used to pretty much anything, given that this is the closest you're ever going to get to sex." She dropped her hips, lowering all the way down the shaft of the dildo. "Because, my submissive little fuck toy bitch, you know that your dick, cute as it is, it's just too small for me to really feel and come from." Her hips dropped down, pressing the dildo firmly and painfully into Brian's cock and balls.

Then she began bouncing up and down aggressively. "Ohhh! See how good this feels?" She said brushing her hair around, orgasmically. Then suddenly she bounced up and down much harder, much more aggressively, maximising Brian's discomfort as he also got fucked up the ass. "I'm going to fuck you like this! Every - day!" Then she slowed down again.

"Mmmm ... I bet you would have always loved to watch your penis going in and out of a woman's vagina, being the poor, disregarded virgin that you are." Then she started to speed up, fucking him more aggressively. "But now, you get to watch a much bigger dildo!" She fucked harder and harder, rubbing her clit aggressively. Then she came once more - for how many times everyone had already lost count - ejaculating her beautiful female squirt juices all over his chest, some of it going directly in his mouth as Princess Lily quickly moved her feet away.

"Do you know, I do feel a trifle sorry for you Brian," Goddess Emily pretended to sympathise. "You've been locked in chastity for such a long time and you never got to come. Would you like to come now?"

"Ah-ah," Brian nodded his head.

"Great! You are just going to love the taste of your own cum!"

Brian had thought that Goddess Emily would fuck him for real after she rode his strap on based on what they had agreed but clearly she had had plans all along to simply skip that step. Very sexually frustrating for poor Brian still being a virgin but he couldn't help but fucking love it.

Mistress Jane quickly came from fucking Brian in the ass and then, as Goddess Emily got down and walked around the platform, she aggressively got up on to the platform and pushed his feet over his head and hold them down. Princess Lily leaned over to look at his face adoringly and smile at him. Goddess Emily ripped the pink strap-on from Brian's waist and she informed him how it was going to be,

"I'm going to peg you in the ass and you've got just 5 minutes to come now before I put you back in chastity," she said attaching the pink dildo as one of the wrestling Dommes got a stop watch ready. Sticking her dildo deep into his anus she said, "I'm gonna make you come all over that pretty little face of yours as I fuck your nice, round juicy bottom deep and hard, anal slut." Princess Lily put her feet back on Brian's face.

"You know you're powerless when a beautiful woman like me tells you what to do, don't you?" Goddess Emily asserted, owning her property as she squatted with a wide stance, up and down, dropping her hips down to pile drive fuck Brian in his ass. She grabbed his dick and thrust her hand up and down the shaft firmly and hardly. "Well now you get your just deserts for what happened on the beach the other day. Consider it a gift from me and Lola. You're going to get a gorgeous fat load of cum spray now, maybe some of it will even go in your eyes."

Princess Lily felt an irresistible urge to tickle Brian playfully and she did, tickle his rib cage, his groin, his stomach and his soles as she continued to rub her own feet over his face and Brian squirmed uncomfortably. Goddess Emily drove Brian's hips square over his mouth as she thrust harder with her large pink dildo and wanked his dick ferociously. She did not want any semen to miss his face. She laughed sadistically, "you know what's coming! You see that dick? Look at it: look at your fucking cock."

Brian's cock dangled inches away from his face and the only other things he could see were Goddess Emily's succulent breasts under her tube top and Princess Lily's groping hands all over his body as Mistress Jane aggressively pinned his feet further behind his head than he was flexible.

"You see your dickhole? Right in your face? You see it there? It's going to shoot out it's load, all over your face or you'll be back in your spiked chastity for a month with no orgasms at all, it's your call! You know what you're gonna do? You're gonna keep your eyes open! You're gonna keep your fucking eyes open when you cum on your face!"

And she laughed sadistically as the other two wrestling Dommes walked to either side of Brian's head and forcefully widened his eyes. Of course, he had already consented to all of this happening the other day but everything was so real now.

"Ohhh! I really hope it gets in your eyes! Now it's time to take it! It won't be long now because just the thought of it gets you riled up I know. Oh your gonna cum, oh your gonna cum!"

Brian moaned ecstatically and Lily quickly moved her feet, though she would have loved to have Brian lick his own cum off her feet, that was not for now.

"Shoot that fucking cum straight on your face!"

Squirts of Brian's thick, gloopy cum blasted straight down his mouth and into his throat and stung ecstatically as some of it sprayed in his eyes too, as Goddess Emily simultaneously came for the last time, squirting all over his face even from behind the strap on harness, punching his balls and wanking his dick all while laughing ecstatically.

"Look at that little fucking slut," a Mistress Jane exclaimed, laughing aggressively. "It's so fucking hot!"

"Do your eyes burn now? You feel those wet globs all over your face and down your throat? Oooh look at your eyes, they're all watering! How does that taste? Swallow it, swallow your cum." Goddess Emily was having the time of her life.

Brian swallowed his cum as instructed. "Oh! It's so fucking hot!" Mistress Jane loved it too. "Oh, yeah!".

"And now it's time for aftercare!" Goddess Emily smiled cruelly, allowing Brian's legs to flop back down on the platform as she grabbed a smaller spiked chastity cage.

"I suppose since your penis did not grow all that time you were locked up, a smaller cage will help." The wrestling Dommes tied Brian's feet together tightly and, connecting the leash to his chastity device, they chained his dick to the elevated platform.

"Yes, it has been a long gruelling session. That is why we will leave you in the sweet, nourishing hands of the lovely Princess Lily. If you lie here with her now, I'm sure you will not have nightmares tonight, or for the next month while you are locked away in your cute little cage. Hope you throb nice and firmly against those naughty little spikes!"

And Princess Lily, loved spooning, especially when she was the little spoon. So she lay down for a nap with Brian, rubbing her cute little tushy against Brian's cage as Goddess Emily used Brian's head as a foot-rest after she pulled her sunbed near the elevated platform. As some of the female Dommes went back to there apartment, a few of them remaining to watch the threesome together, Emily connected the ankle chain with the chastity key Lily had worn before onto her own ankle. She placed it in a very specific position where it was dangling within Brian's own vision. It probably would not be long until he was throbbing again! After a long nap, she'd let him go, if Princess Lily was done too, that was.

 

The following is always appreciated. Anyway:

Servitude and Cornish Seas: Critique of "Part 6" (Conclusion to Book One)

Something looks totally radiant about the way this part opens up, unlike any of the others:

Even with the whole eroticising of the scene and location, I am less tempted to brush it away as "porn script" (at least at the beginning of the scene, anyway):

In fact, reading this part really gets me into Brian's head. I don't even care that some women might find this too "male gaze"-esque for them to personally enjoy reading. I couldn't make more than small alterations to the text in this part because of how it appeals to me.

Anyway, as we know the story development so far is filled with way too many plot conveniences, plot holes and unlikelihoods. I did, while I was out of the house today, come up with some ideas that although they still need working on, would be received as far more plausible and relatable than what we currently have.

Ok, so scene 1 would appear as it already does. Scene 2 would mostly be the same but one change will be that instead of Emily being supervisor, she will be the owning manager. Which will make more sense because she at the end of scene 2 will be instructing Brian to come back bar tend for the party later at night. Instead of blackmailing him into immediately taking her back to the caravan and strip naked for a crazy femdom BDSM scene, she will badger him about some small perceived flaws.

It will turn out that Brian has responded to an advert to host for private gatherings every day in return for cheap lodging at Emily's residence. However, he did not read the advert correctly for it also requires some form of sexual servitude. I am not now required to move the foot fetish stuff out of part 3 and reserve it for a later time if I don't want to. That's because, as Brian will discover to his surprise, he is requested to be part of more "service" than he initially bargained for. He will have superficial reservations of course but he will oblige whenever his dick gets the better of him.

Emily will find some problems with Brian's bar service and constantly remind him that she could fire him at any time, meaning that he would no longer have a place of residence. This is something that will also push Brian into begrudgingly complying with sexual servitude protocols while secretly finding it highly erotic. The women will be part of a femdom cabal that Emily has organised but the reader may (or may not) have this knowledge yet, they will just be surprised by the turnout of all women at the party.

So why wouldn't a woman like Emily organise to have other men at such a party? Well, we could probably say that having the fem dommes bring bulls to the party might go against some belief she has that all the women ought to be dominant. There's minimal plot convenience there in so far as it happens to match Brian's heteronormative femdom fantasy. But what about other male submissives? Is there only room behind the bar for two members of staff (one of them coincidentally female?).

Is Emily too cheap to pay for any other male submissives? Can't she find any that would perform freely (because surely, there must be some that would)? Does she believe submissives perform better when they are paid because that makes them more accountable to her in some way? Financial domination? And how does Emily attract all these fem dommes to her residence? Is she rich? Is she the landlady? Does she charge them for residence? Why does she want them around her? To feel more powerful? Obviously, there's still plot holes here, but we can see that they are far fewer than with the plot as it was before.

Anyway, later that night, Emily catches Brian at a local nightclub, hitting on local women (some of them from Emily's cabal of dominant women). He is doing this even though he is supposed to be awake early tomorrow to serve at the cafe (which I have not yet specified will be part of Emily's residence). The local women object to his bad moves and Emily is there to spank him (just metaphorically speaking ... unfortunately). She tells him he has to get to bed immediately otherwise he will be fired. However, when they go back to her place of residence, he stumbles upon her dungeon. And this is the scene where Emily discovers Brian's lust for femdom and she instructs him to strip naked and do all the things she has him do in the caravan scene.

This could even happen before the night of the party, in which case I wouldn't need more non-sexual scenes after part two. This would just be a more believable replacement for the caravan scene. Yeah, there would be the nightclub scene. However, we could ramp up the sexual escalation in that scene making Brian hot and bothered by the women he approaches that night.

After the party scene, there would need to be a scene where Brian asks Lily on a date before they get more sexually involved. For the female perspective, it just makes more sense to have more development of rapport between these two same as what he has with Emily. Of course, Emily could be furious that he is going behind her back after she has teased him and put him in chastity. This could be impetus for her to give him punishment - making him go down on Lily while he suffers in spiked chastity and she watches, masturbating furiously.

And that was the scene at Lily's beach hut but I guess we may need it to be on Emily's residence unless she can afford to live somewhere else. This is a plot convenience that enables me to write for a different location for every single part ... hopefully! Unfortunately, I may need one or two more scenes at the cafe since Emily only has him working there every day. This could be unless Brian is just at the cafe as a consumer to begin with, he gets the mistaken idea he will be working there as barista, Emily reprimands him, directs him towards his professional requirements and the advert specifications, which mention he only serves alcohol at the party in exchange for free lodging and food. This would give me space perhaps for a kitchen scene between him and Lily, where they make food together.

Anyway, after the beach hut scene we'd probably want something else before the pool scene, especially as some BDSM scene negotiation has to take place with Emily before this scene happens. Unfortunately, we can't have this in Emily's dungeon as we've already used that location. That sort of venue would be a hyper-erotically charged scene for Emily to dominate Brian and tell him "what's expected of him". But where's another place authority hierarchies are typically expected? Offices. Someone like Emily would surely have a beautiful office on the top floor of her apartment, where she can sit on a higher chair than Brian and tell him "how things are going to be".

He will offer token resistance to the penetration by strap-on and Emily will just tell Brian that she doesn't care if he thinks it's gay or not, he can like it or lump it, otherwise she will be happy to find some cheap bread and breakfast with minimum wage paying job, if he hates it at Emily's cabal so badly. The ethics of that might be questionable to some but it's better than Emily just imposing hardcore BDSM activities on Brian without requesting his consent first.

Anyway, for the time being I won't be any more specific than this, I think I'd like the freedom to stick to this writing structure or deviate as freely as I want when I come to re-writing it. If I put too many more details, it will be too difficult to deviate freely if that's what I want. There will at some point be a bar scene where Emily walks in on Brian bitching about "his tryannical boss" and feminism in general. That will be the scene where she decides to take him to her room for the first time and peg him as punishment. Apart from that I have no more ideas about the way structure should evolve when I come to rewriting this.

Since I like a lot of the writing in part 6 (it is the finale where all the energy has been ramping up to, so why not make it pornographic?) I'm just going to quote a few of the lines here that at surface level appear trashy, hyper-detailed or just badly written:

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

Book 2 is going to be Brian tries to get Lily's help to escape his chastity device and lose his virginity by the way. If I ever get to it that is. Anyway, one more thing to note is that all the descriptive language ceases pretty much after Emily's initial entrance in the scene:

... but there has got to be other places where there is room for more sexually descriptive language. I expect it, in fact.

 

@IB-Chaste

Lol, you hated my writing. It's ok, I hated reading it in some places as well but probably for different reasons. I'm not done yet though. I'm going to do a critical overview, then get on with rewriting parts 1 - 6, probably with additional scenes.

Lily cannot be the one to introduce Brian to femdom because in the story she is submissive to Emily. She has sadistic elements to her personality and sexual preferences which she gradually discovers but she is not particularly dominant. It is more like she wants to be submissive with Brian and observe him be dominated/have pain inflicted on him than be heavily involved in that herself. If I do a book two though, I might bring more of that out in her.

The final scene is like thunderdome - fair enough.Is there a pdf of the pegging scene you read? What was the title? I would rather make each individual part more like that rather than condense everything. Guess Book 2 will be postponed for quite a while then!

 

Well I mean it's femdom erotica, that's kind of the whole premise.

Oh yeah, it definitely turns me on Emily being a tyrannical dominant.

So, you mean one where Lily is initiator, not Emily. Actually, what could work is if Lily persuades Emily and Brian of each other's good qualities and gets them involved with each other. But she could not be the one to tell him he has to get locked up, that's just not her personality. The closest would be if she locked him up while he was sleeping or something as some sort of prank but then gets turned on by it. Then Emily somehow discovers he is wearing the chastity device and thinks he is some sort of a pervert.

 

Nah, she likes to tease and sometimes even manipulate (those can actually be very passive qualities if you think about it). She is not nearly dominant enough to command him to do anything or use a strap on though. Perhaps if a dominant female ordered her to peg Brian, she might consider play-acting a "top" role but she probably would not fuck him particularly hard in reality with her temperament.

I do agree that it's hard to get Emily past her hiccups with Brian due to her strong will though, she's the kind of person that once she makes a decision doesn't reverse it. So yeah, a femdom relationship is probably even more implausible between them in some ways than a maledom one.

I guess if we were to scrap Emily, she could introduce him to some other female that she doesn't even realise is sexually dominant until Brian is effectively cajoled into it. But if Emily gets the boot, the opening beach scene is effectively not just useless but counter-productive because it hints at Emily getting a prominent role (which is what I had initially intended on).

 

That would mean I have to get rid of the confrontation about the dogs scene of course but I guess you weren't fond of that anyway. The main issue though is that I have no idea what Brian would say to Lily on the beach.

 

@IB-Chaste

Here, in my critique of part 3 I made a whole list of things that Emily is able to impose on Brian that I don't think I could get Lily to do without seriously hurting her character consistency:

consensual blackmail / micro-control / instruction / manipulative persuasion / ridiculing/dismissing surface level objection / humiliation/encouragement / "creep shaming" / denial / degradation/pet name / intimidation / physical force

In fact, it's hard enough to make all of that consistent with Emily, come to think of it.

 

Servitude and Cornish Seas: Self-Writing Critiques Conclusion

So, for the overview of critiques after the fact. I postponed sharing this because I was going to put in a lot more detail. But I just figured, why bother? I already have the detail needed from all the other self-critiques I wrote as well as a strong action plan to move forwards. As I redo parts 1 - 6, I can attach commentary this time around. I don't need more detailed critique before I dive back into it.

The main objective was to appeal to dominant female readers in a way that still engages me as the writer. I referred to this in my critique of part 6 more bluntly as "the dilemma between my dick and my head". In the introductory critique of parts 1-6 as a whole, I outlined some of the main things that could get in the way of this:

- whole idea of "hate fucking"
- failure to compliment romance with sex scenes and story development
- poor relationship development between the main characters
- low level of input into sexualised descriptions
- difficulty focussing on sexual aspects of Brian due to my own sexual orientation

I also put some more general observations:
- descriptions of nature and architecture often brief and cut short
- the title was rushed out (never came up with any ideas about that)
- unrealistic story precedent
- inconsistent paragraph spacing (I decided to get rid of the so-called "internet format"/hyper spaced, small stanza visual)

There were actually a few things I forgot to mention from this at the time but they come up through parts 1-6 and through some of the comment feedback I received at ChastityMansion made me remember too. These were:

- some of the characters are unlikeable
- word resonance

Part 1 observations:
- Opening description: short catchy phrases, or short catchy sentences? Sexualising natural & architectural scenery, or no?
- Inspiration (Mark Twain): seems to work. Do this elsewhere?
- Should detail in descriptions be "painstaking" for a particular psychological effect to explain how the characters feel about their life or enjoyable/easy to read?
- Possible literary comparisons between the dogs and their owners ... which is ok but not really drawn out very thoroughly (some possible argument about poor dog research was made but I'm not sure if the comments about how Rotweilers behave were accurate or not)
- Sexualised descriptions - too much, not enough?

Part 2:
- Didn't have much to say about coffee shops, didn't have much to say about the experience of making/being served/drinking coffee ... meditate!
- Sexualised descriptions - too much, not enough?
- Opening description of the cafe architecture - too thin
- Emily's character - villain or strict but nurturing
- Farcical writing: appropriate?
- "Dark sinister" writing: ethical issues? Harmful towards other aspects of development (light humour, romance, etc.)?

Part 3:
- Reminder about Mark Twain and the powerful impact of literary inspiration
- Emily - character consistency (villain or nay?)
- Legal/ethical implications with CNC stuff in BDSM
- A fun list of CNC/humiliation things I managed to cover here that could be incorporated elsewhere: consensual blackmail / micro-control / instruction / manipulative persuasion / ridiculing/dismissing surface level objection / humiliation/encouragement / "creep shaming" / denial / degradation/pet name / intimidation / physical force
- Male gaze vs female readership (my dick vs my brain)
- Plot convenience / story development issues with CNC stuff in BDSM
- Adds erotic tease and denial to things Emily enjoys

Part 4:
- Sexualising the content early vs prioritising story development
- Plot convenience (all the women at the party)
- Problems maintaining tone-setting when the story includes constant farcical "interruptions", porn script, etc.
- Questions / ideas about how to get more plausible story development
- More farcical plot convenience
- Poor scripting of the existence of BDSM negotiation scenes in the background/off-scene
- Cramming lots of elements (kink, story, etc.) into small stanzas

Part 5:
- More ideas for plausible story development
- Issue with speeding up introductory plot development without hurting story development versus getting sexual escalation early on
- No in-depth BDSM scene negotiation presently existent (paper thin)
- Question of removing/improving "porn script"

Part 6:
- Do I really want to get rid of "male gaze" stuff if it proves to be hyper-erotic/very effective?
- Most of my ideas so far for plausible story development
- Descriptive writing is very "radiant" (yes, I narcissistically described my own writing as radiant) at the beginning however becomes paper thin after that point
- General issues about writing in certain places: hyper-detail, plot convenience, possible legal issue; very erotic, but also see previous; erotic cringe; question of moving yoga performance earlier on exchange for some twerking; confusion in scene dynamics - part where Emily pretends that she will bring Brian to premature orgasm; some of the female dominants at the party appear "vapid" (or do they?); hyper-organisation required for some of the BDSM stuff, arguably unrealistic (but then there's reality and then there's fantasy and in a story, nothing wrong with fantasy); I like the idea of making some small, relatively unobtrusive elements a "surprise" to Brian, it's just a question of negotiating that into the scene dynamics; bad game show line (hot & exciting or just poor writing ... or both?)

Comments:
- There were some comments over on ChastityMansion and some ideas developing on my own ideas about moving forwards with the story, perhaps even making Lily the Domme rather than Emily and just giving the latter the boot. I may not go that far but I may put Lily into more of a front-seat role story wise. I have an interesting idea for a plot twist in book two but it requires keeping Emily in the story.

 

Part 1 of S&CS: Writing Progress a

Ok, so whenever I write something, I like to write 3 times as much in my initial drafts as whatever I intend to do in the final version. This way only a third of what I write has to be quality material, so long as the remainder of it is stuff, I can cut without affecting some integral part of the story in some way. In light of this, I did a word count of all the separate parts as they currently stand:

• part 1: 634 words
• part 2: 996 words
• part 3: 1,659 words
• part 4: 1,524 words
• part 5: 1,319 words
• part 6: 5,229 words

Now, if we round part 6 down and triple that, it means the next drafts have got to be 15k each. Which might be a bit ridiculous, actually. But part 6 is already so much longer than the other parts and I would definitely have to add more material to it because so much of it is just porn script rather than "erotic extravagance". So, at the very least, part 6 would need to be 15k.

But why not boost up the other parts? I don't have to (and don't have the time) to do each in one go. I can just go part by part. So, we start with Part 1 and let's see what I can do to improve it, or beef it up, in chunks rather than doing the whole thing right now.

First up, let's condense the opening paragraphs (4-6 lines each) and add a few small tweaks:

Curvaceous beaches, sexy blue skies and the bright, hotly burning sun. Forceful thrusts of blasting winds carrying sharp sprays of golden sands. You could see why dog walks along the Cornish Sea front were so exciting. Grassy slopes like attractive piercing green eyes extended to the cliff face where a cavity scaled ash grey to charcoal black and burnt clay orange.

Patches of moss green grass here, lime green there and pine green over there, the grass complimented the imposing waves that crashed on the shore: emerald, sea foam, cyan and turquoise. On the other side of the beach, burnt yellow grass protruded to the edge of the cliff. Presumably, a farmer had not been watering the fields ... or perhaps the soil was just different there? Nearby, dry orange ferns desperately needed water and yet surrounded by it everywhere contrasted the remainder of vegetation everywhere else.

So first up, I am supposed to boost the word count up to 15k (theoretically) but as things stand, I already have a great mental image of the beach just from this, I can't see that it's necessary to do more words here yet, but I will do it later if I have to. Thankfully, we come to the description of Brian next, as I recall it, a ChastityMansion viewer said after part 2, "the only thing I know about Brian so far is he doesn't brush his hair and if he's rude to you if you encounter him on a dog walk at the beach". Let's see what there is to change about that:

The views were breath taking but Brian, his matty unkempt hair and general disorganisation, was too busy stressing about his unruly Rottweiler to be taken in by such things.

Just three lines I wrote here to condense a lot of important things about Brian. Like his dog, he is presented as wild and untamed: "matty unkempt hair", "general disorganisation". He is also assertively proactive: he runs around the beach looking after this big dog that is hard to manage.

How about:

The breath-taking views were wild and untamed much like Brian with his matty unkempt hair and general disorganisation. Not considering his appearance for a simple beach walk, he had slipped into his bland chocolate brown jumper and baggy trousers. After all, this probably would not be the walk where he met the love of his life.

Brian also loves awe inspiring views, but this brings me back to the Mark Twain passage I quoted in my critique of part 1 where the author describes himself as having a "complex relationship" with the river (or so Richard Norquist assesses). I did also write in a mild objection to that later in my "overall critique and concluding remarks":

But then I was detailing strenuous exertion I had performing three lifts at the gym recently when I wrote in my workout log. The detail was "painstaking" and the feeling evoked made me think of sex or something the way "arteries throbbed" around my neck as I rose out of the hole in the clean. Twain's writing is painstaking. My description of the beach is painstaking. And those are all three well-written passages in my view (obviously, Twain's is the best). So yes, why not try to convey this particular psychological effect: this is an important aspect of Brian's character and how he sees the world.

I had also written an objection in one of my writing critics regarding making Brian unappreciative of the natural scenery before:

So, instead of this, we could have:

Brian appreciated his natural surroundings - he was not a stupid philistine. But he was also frequently overwhelmed by its relentlessly sublime nature. Tired by the small details, the nooks in the rocks, the different colours of the grains of sand, the blurred line where the sea hit the horizon. It was never enough to take in everything meaningfully and far too dull to simplify the scenery to its most reductive elements.

 

Making a mental note here, that I would like to incorporate words and phrases like "strenuous exertion", "painstaking", "psychological effect" into my perspective of how Brian sees the beach for "Writing Progress b" of Part 1.

 

Part 1 of S&CS: Writing Progress b

So before, I got upto:

Brian appreciated his natural surroundings - he was not a stupid philistine (actually I don't like the way this reads - "he was not a stupid philistine", it either sounds pretentious or as if Brian himself is in denial about being "a stupid philistine"). But he was also frequently overwhelmed by its relentlessly sublime nature. Tired by the small details, the nooks in the rocks, the different colours of the grains of sand, the blurred line where the sea hit the horizon. It was never enough to take in everything meaningfully and far too dull to simplify the scenery to its most reductive elements.

I also made a mental note:

Ok, so let's adjust this paragraph:

Brian appreciated his natural surroundings, but he was also frequently overwhelmed by its relentlessly sublime nature. Tired by the painstakingly small details, the nooks in the rocks, the different colours of the grains of sand, the blurred line where the sea hit the horizon. Too much strenuous exertion to absorb everything meaningfully but far too dull to simplify the scenery to its most basic elements. The psychological effect of any beautiful scenery for Brian was always one of exhaustingly hidden intricacy.

Now we get onto Brian's Rottweiler. It was suggested to me that I did not research the dog very thoroughly as well-trained Rottweilers apparently have no issue with recall whatsoever. If that proves to be the case, I have come across other large dogs that had these traits but we'll see if I need to change the breed or not:

(iheartdogs website - I prefer not to link directly offsite unless it's google endorsed like youtube).

There are "tips" listed below but none of them suggest you get perfect recall from them. One of them even involves head games/reverse psychology like the "hiding" tip:

Being playful helps if you are more interesting than whatever other distractions there are on a dog walk:

Frequently that's not the case - after all they have you to play with at home. When they're out and about, they're there to play with other dogs, other dog owners, other dogs' balls (well you can bring your own balls out with you if you don't mind frequently losing them, I suppose, fortunately I have dogs that are skillful in finding new balls).

I know that some owners spend hours/days/weeks/months/years with their dogs to get their behaviour to golden standard. I actually have spent a lot of time in the past desperately trying to improve my dogs' command responses but a lot of what you tell them to do can be contradictory. For example, "don't go here but also don't go there". "Lie down today because the grass is dry but not tomorrow because it will be wet and muddy." "Go for a swim there because you are muddy but don't go for one tomorrow because you will be dry."

For those reasons "conditioning" certain responses can be counter-productive. People who don't see me around my dogs 24/7 often comment how well behaved they are, how I manage to walk them on the lead without being pulled everywhere. But while they see the duck swimming above the water, they don't see it's little feet kicking away under the surface. Nowadays I just look for secluded areas with no people around to let them exercise within a certain radius of me.

A lot of people don't like dogs and get very ratty about being approached by them (and I have even experienced physical aggression from someone who, when he told me that his German Shepherd would "have my dogs" I responded that maybe she should be wearing a muzzle then). In any case, it just isn't the reality for most and as Rottweilers are big dogs, they have to go off the lead for exercise or they become depressed and totally neurotic/destructive inside the house, it's the same with many other big dog breeds.

Anyway, I just realised that I can write some/all the above into the description of Brian's Rotweiler. So currently, the description is thin:

Brian was too busy stressing about his unruly Rottweiler to be taken in by such things (the local scenery).

I also mentioned in my critique about how I don't make a personality comparison between Brian and his dog, Brad very clear:

I'd like to keep these lines where they are for now, rather than move them back as currently they serve to move the narrative along nicely after Brian's confrontation with Emily (even though they would also thicken the earlier description very nicely, which are the first lines where you get to read about Brad). But I'm sure I'll have a solution to that later. Anyway, I'll just use the exact same adjectives I used to describe Brian and copy/paste them into this paragraph:

In any case, Brian was too busy stressing out about his unruly Rottweiler to be taken in by the local scenery. Sometimes, he would walk away from the wild and untamed Brad to reverse psychology his way into that imperfectly conditioned recall. Other times, he would crouch low and be friendly and excited when calling Brad back to him. The remainder of times, just shouting at him angrily would work but Brian didn't want to draw too much attention either!

Brian knew that some owners would spend hours, days, weeks, months or even years with their dogs to get their behaviour to a golden standard. He actually had spent a lot of time in the past desperately trying to improve his dog's command responses but found that a lot of what he told them to do could be contradictory. For example, "don't go here but also don't go there". "Go for a swim there because you are muddy, but don't go for one tomorrow because you will be dry."

For those reasons "conditioning" certain responses could even be counter-productive. People who didn't see Brian walking his dog all the time would often even comment how well behaved he was or how he managed to walk Brad on the lead without being pulled everywhere. But while they see the duck swimming above the water, they rarely see its little feet kicking away under the surface. These days, Brian would typically just look for secluded areas with no people around to let his dog exercise within a confined radius, but that was somewhat sad.

 

Part 1 of S&CS: Writing Progress c

So, now for the hard part, and that's Emily's character. I already noted a few issues in my self-writing critique about how she is portrayed. One of them is that there is not any particular comparison made between her and Lola (who is effectively just been made into a prop for the story, even more so than "Brad"):

And that's the least of my issues, to be honest. She is only very mildly sexualised at this point:

Which would be fine as it is only part 1 but as we've already established, the story already moves kinda slowly between this scene and the cafe scene and I am likely to add more parts to further develop the relationships between key-characters. Finally, there is the whole issue of character relatability/consistency. So, what do we have the first time Brian sees Emily on the beach?

But he did notice Emily, as she strut along moodily by her small, playful but anxious dog from the road down to the beach. Distracted, by her flowing blonde hair and tattooed legs accentuated by her shorts so he momentarily forgot to keep Bradley in close proximity. She flung her arms in dismayed annoyance as Brian's dog approached her timid bitch playfully because she nearly ran out onto the road!

Brian thought that if her dog, Lola was so likely to run away from other dogs like that, you'd at least keep her on the lead around roads. But instead of arguing, he called Bradley back and Emily strut off barefooted, her red toe nail polish glistened in the golden sands and Brian went down to the sea with his great, excitable black and brown dog who chased waves bigger than himself.

Emily walked off in annoyance - why can't people see I have a dog with emotional difficulties, she wondered. At least he had the decency to call him back eventually but still, can't he keep him on tighter control?

I don't think the issue of character relatability is necessarily a big deal right away. Perhaps I could write the idea that there is something "more" to Emily, a "warm character glow", or "nurturing empathetic side" perhaps? I said something in the critic about "tight control" she has but actually, her dog nearly runs onto the road. If anything, she is even more erratic and disorganised than Brian. We can give her a justification though - after all, she has a stressful job and an anxious pet to look after.

I also said that her Schipperke was not given a strong character comparison with Emily. Could I change that? Sure, the Schipperke is anxious unlike Emily but she is also territorial and defends her circle by yapping, albeit also running and hiding behind her owner. Well Emily is confrontational but I have not described how. Perhaps she is secretly nervous about Brian, initially - handsome, toned, confident in an abrasive manner.

I said that I had not done anything much to eroticise Emily but here is my chance to eroticise both of them, especially as Brian has not received any sexually descriptive language at all in Part 1. He is just a man with matty hair. I have described how Brian feels seeing Emily later on but not how Emily feels seeing him. After that initial burst of attraction, those butterflies in the stomach, what next? She sees that Brian has a gentle interior - she feels safe now, in the same way the Schipperke feels safe hiding behind her owner.

She also feels that Brian is aloof, so she becomes angry, irritated. She wants to break him down - this becomes a key theme throughout the erotica. Does she get a power rush from the idea of walking over to break him down, hands on hips for added confidence? Is she disappointed when she realises he does not fold that easily? Is she excited at the possibility that he may be a challenge for her? Let down by the prospect she may not see him again?

What about the Schipperke? I said that the Schipperke is anxious, and she describes her as "sick" (emotionally) in the story. Is she a stray? I can certainly justify having a socially (dogg-ily?) anxious stray, can I justify attributing such characteristics to Schipperkes in general? Let's see:

Accessed from "dogingtonpost" website.

Some nice descriptive language here: "trendy" (Emily is also very trendy as we see later on); "small, fox-like dog", "sturdy build", "watchdog", "solid black coat with various shades of tan and fawn". Anyway:

Even better stuff here: "energetic, quick, and highly spirited", "alert and self-confident", "mischievous, curious, and highly intelligent",

Noteworthy: "proper socialisation is highly necessary", "handlers have to be firm yet calm", "consistent when it comes to disciplining them", "propensity to develop Small Dog Syndrome", "the breed may develop behaviour problems such as separation anxiety and obsessive barking".

So, the update on the Brian/Emily beach confrontation:

But he did notice Emily, as she strut along moodily from the road down to the beach - had something upset her or was perpetual annoyance just her general disposition? Brian even found it sexy. She was accompanied by her small, playful but anxious dog - Schipperke - a trendy breed much like the owner. Brian was distracted, by her flowing blonde hair and tattooed legs which were accentuated by her shorts. For this reason, he momentarily forgot to keep Bradley in close proximity.

As Brian's dog approached her timid bitch playfully, the Schipperke, Lola yelped squeamishly and darted off, nearly running straight out onto the road! But Lola was also a sturdy build, a small fox-like watch dog who had a solid black coat with various shades of tan and fawn. Brad paused immediately as he had at least been trained only to approach roads on the lead.

The confrontational Emily looked over at Brian, infuriated but secretly felt nervous as she was attracted by his handsome, toned and bold demeanour albeit abrasive, as he appeared. She flung her arms in dismayed annoyance but her display of outward confidence was most likely an act, similar to Yola's anxious yaps. Brian did not think that he would see somebody on the beach more erratic and disorganised than he was.

He thought that if her dog was so likely to run away from other dogs like that, you'd at least keep her on the lead around roads. Instead of arguing, Brian called Bradley back and Emily strut off barefooted, her red toe nail polish glistened in the golden sands. Then he went down to the sea with his great, excitable black and brown dog who chased waves bigger than himself. Recovering from that initial burst of attraction - those butterflies in the stomach - Emily walked off in annoyance.

"Why can't people see I have a dog with emotional difficulties" she wondered. At least he did have the decency to call him back eventually but still, couldn't Brian have kept Bradley under tighter control?

Later, Brian and Bradley walked around the edge of the rocks by the sea. The cliff was so tall and imposing that She dominated Her surroundings, shaped like a Lady's high heel and elevated from the beach and the sands beneath Her. Brian encountered Emily and Lola once more here, and he would have got Bradley back sooner. But he never saw Emily walking around those rocks.

Ferociously beating his undocked tail side to side, Brad ran over to play boisterously with the anxious Lola who began yapping nervously. It was surprising really how alert and self-confident she was in her whiney barks. Energetic, quick and high-spirited she ran circles behind her owner for protection. Seeing the hapless Brian comically running after his great big friendly dog, Emily could see very clearly now that if the truth were told, Brian had a gentle spirit.

*She felt safe now, in the same way that Lola took comfort in hiding behind her. But to her, Brian was still aloof and apathetic. She became angry and irritated and now she was determined to beat him down psychologically. Not having him defy her will power, she furiously flung her arms up in exasperation once again. It was like a bizarrely primal mating call to illustrate virile confidence. Then, acquiring this charge of energy, she exclaimed something poetic in her brightly colourful dialect.

"Are you taking the piss, or what?"*

"What?" Brian was taken aback.

"That's the second time your dog ran up to mine."

"Well, that's just how it goes," Brian responded in his Mancunian twang - it was evident to Emily that he was clearly not local then. Walking past and attempting to just ignore her he decided to inform her of something. "Dogs like to play off leads - we can't keep them all confined like zoo animals."

But Emily wasn't going to let him just dismissively waltz off, arrogantly and negligently refusing to manage his dog on a public beach. She got a power rush from the idea of breaking him down and for added confidence she put her hands on her hips, getting ready for a confrontation. "Wait there," she commanded walking around him to plant herself face to face, making sure he looked her in the eye. If he didn't cave in to outward aggression, perhaps she could make Brian feel bad.

"Can't you see she's sick? She's got a problem being around other dogs".

It was ironic how during this exchange, the highly intelligent Lola stopped yelping and begun to sniff curiously at Brad who had found some other distraction. Brad was busy with some rock he had found buried into the wet sands and was desperately trying to get his mouth around it as though it were a ball. But Lola only attempted to play with Brad from Emily's blind-spot, which was behind her while she was preoccupied with her impassioned love for argument.

In fact, Brian was even a mild believer that you don't truly get to see a person - their deeper sense of character and emotional vulnerabilities - until you've experienced their rough edges. So he in a sense shared this perspective with her. However, she was so passionate about putting Brian into his rightful place beneath her, that seemingly her concern for the anxious bitch was only a second priority!

Emily was furious to see him snickering at something behind her and as she turned around, Brad regained his interests and the mischevious Lola began obsessively yapping again once again, demonstrating her Small Dog Syndrome.

"Well, you see that, don't you!" Emily exclaimed. "She's not vey happy, now, is she?"

Brian paused for a moment or two to gather his thoughts and contain his self-amusement. It was times like this Brian felt frustrated he could not control who he felt attracted to, but he did admire her fiery disposition and inclination towards confrontation, even if she was, quite simply, incorrect. Was Lola perhaps, a socially ("dog-gily"?) anxious stray? It didn't matter.

"Well, I guess she needs to overcome her anxiety and be socialised around other dogs. Personally, I somehow doubt that you'd keep your's on the lead just because someone was screaming at you."

As Brian paused for just a brief moment, waiting for Emily's response, he found her dumbfounded. Was she disappointed when she realised that Brian simply would not fold that easily? Or was she excited at the possibility that he may in fact, prove to be a challenge for her? In any case, she would probably be let down by the prospect she may not see him again because Brian was about to put an end to the exchange.

Having said that, Emily did have a warm character glow about her - evidenced by her nurturing empathetic side and genuine concern for Lola. Brian decided he would be nice. "Now then, have a nice day," he said cheerily as Brad followed his master. And walking off casually, that would be the last of her he'd be seeing. Or so Brian thought.

"Fuck off!" she yelled, charmingly.

So, I have sexualised the psychology of the interaction between Brian and Emily above, Now I have just left the sexualisation of her (well, their) actual appearance part. I went on literotica for some inspiration but I could not find anything I considered particularly well written. A few extracts here and there maybe but not much I want to put in this story. Oh well, I will come back to it another time.

 

I'm going to post part 1 in full some time tomorrow, with some minor tweaks perhaps. If there are any comments to make on the updated version, now's probably the time to do it.

 

Part 1 of S&CS: Draft 1 (The Beach)
Curvaceous beaches, sexy blue skies and the bright, hotly burning sun. Forceful thrusts of blasting winds carrying sharp sprays of golden sands. You could see why dog walks along the Cornish Sea front were so exciting. Grassy slopes like attractive piercing green eyes extended to the cliff face where a cavity scaled ash grey to charcoal black and burnt clay orange.

Patches of moss green grass here, lime green there and pine green over there, the grass complimented the imposing waves that crashed on the shore: emerald, sea foam, cyan and turquoise. On the other side of the beach, burnt yellow grass protruded to the edge of the cliff. Presumably, a farmer had not been watering the fields ... or perhaps the soil was just different there? Nearby, dry orange ferns desperately needed water and yet surrounded by it everywhere contrasted the remainder of vegetation everywhere else.

Brian appreciated his natural surroundings, but he was also frequently overwhelmed by its relentlessly sublime nature. Tired by the painstakingly small details, the nooks in the rocks, the different colours of the grains of sand, the blurred line where the sea hit the horizon. Too much strenuous exertion to absorb everything meaningfully but far too dull to simplify the scenery to its most basic elements. The psychological effect of any beautiful scenery for Brian was always one of exhaustingly hidden intricacy.

In any case, Brian was too busy stressing out about his unruly Rottweiler to be taken in by the local scenery. Sometimes, he would walk away from the wild and untamed Brad to reverse psychology his way into that imperfectly conditioned recall. Other times, he would crouch low and be friendly and excited when calling Brad back to him. The remainder of times, just shouting at him angrily would work but Brian didn't want to draw too much attention either!

Brian knew that some owners would spend hours, days, weeks, months or even years with their dogs to get their behaviour to a golden standard. He actually had spent a lot of time in the past desperately trying to improve his dog's command responses but found that a lot of what he told them to do could be contradictory. For example, "don't go here but also don't go there". "Go for a swim there because you are muddy, but don't go for one tomorrow because you will be dry."

For those reasons "conditioning" certain responses could even be counter-productive. People who didn't see Brian walking his dog all the time would often even comment how well behaved he was or how he managed to walk Brad on the lead without being pulled everywhere. But while they see the duck swimming above the water, they rarely see its little feet kicking away under the surface. These days, Brian would typically just look for secluded areas with no people around to let his dog exercise within a confined radius, but that was somewhat sad.

In any case, Brian did notice Emily, as she strut along moodily from the road down to the beach - had something upset her or was perpetual annoyance just her general disposition? Brian even found it sexy. She was accompanied by her small, playful but anxious dog - Schipperke - a trendy breed much like the owner. Brian was distracted, by her flowing blonde hair and tattooed legs which were accentuated by her shorts. For this reason, he momentarily forgot to keep Bradley in close proximity.

As Brian's dog approached her timid bitch playfully, the Schipperke, Lola yelped squeamishly and darted off, nearly running straight out onto the road! But Lola was also a sturdy build, a small fox-like watch dog who had a solid black coat with various shades of tan and fawn. Brad paused immediately as he had at least been trained only to approach roads on the lead.

The confrontational Emily looked over at Brian, infuriated but secretly felt nervous as she was attracted by his handsome, toned and bold demeanour albeit abrasive, as he appeared. She flung her arms in dismayed annoyance but her display of outward confidence was most likely an act, similar to Yola's anxious yaps. Brian did not think that he would see somebody on the beach more erratic and disorganised than he was.

He thought that if her dog was so likely to run away from other dogs like that, you'd at least keep her on the lead around roads. Instead of arguing, Brian called Bradley back and Emily strut off barefooted, her red toe nail polish glistened in the golden sands. Then he went down to the sea with his great, excitable black and brown dog who chased waves bigger than himself. Recovering from that initial burst of attraction - those butterflies in the stomach - Emily walked off in annoyance.

"Why can't people see I have a dog with emotional difficulties" she wondered. At least he did have the decency to call him back eventually but still, couldn't Brian have kept Bradley under tighter control?

Later, Brian and Bradley walked around the edge of the rocks by the sea. The cliff was so tall and imposing that She dominated Her surroundings, shaped like a Lady's high heel and elevated from the beach and the sands beneath Her. Brian encountered Emily and Lola once more here, and he would have got Bradley back sooner. But he never saw Emily walking around those rocks.

Ferociously beating his undocked tail side to side, Brad ran over to play boisterously with the anxious Lola who began yapping nervously. It was surprising really how alert and self-confident she was in her whiney barks. Energetic, quick and high-spirited she ran circles behind her owner for protection. Seeing the hapless Brian comically running after his great big friendly dog, Emily could see very clearly now that if the truth were told, Brian had a gentle spirit.

She felt safe now, in the same way that Lola took comfort in hiding behind her. But to her, Brian was still aloof and apathetic. She became angry and irritated and now she was determined to beat him down psychologically. Not having him defy her will power, she furiously flung her arms up in exasperation once again. It was like a bizarrely primal mating call to illustrate virile confidence. Then, acquiring this charge of energy, she exclaimed something poetic in her brightly colourful dialect.

"Are you taking the piss, or what?"

"What?" Brian was taken aback.

"That's the second time your dog ran up to mine."

"Well, that's just how it goes," Brian responded in his Mancunian twang - it was evident to Emily that he was clearly not local then. Walking past and attempting to just ignore her he decided to inform her of something. "Dogs like to play off leads - we can't keep them all confined like zoo animals."

But Emily wasn't going to let him just dismissively waltz off, arrogantly and negligently refusing to manage his dog on a public beach. She got a power rush from the idea of breaking him down and for added confidence she put her hands on her hips, getting ready for a confrontation. "Wait there," she commanded and walked around him to demandingly plant herself face to face and making sure he looked her in the eye. If he didn't cave into outward aggression, perhaps she could make Brian feel bad.

"Can't you see she's sick? She's got a problem being around other dogs".

It was ironic how during this exchange, the highly intelligent Lola stopped yelping and begun to sniff curiously at Brad who had found some other distraction. Brad was busy with some rock he had found buried into the wet sands and was desperately trying to get his mouth around it as though it were a ball. But Lola only attempted to play with Brad from Emily's blind-spot, which was behind her while she was preoccupied with her impassioned love for argument.

In fact, Brian was even a mild believer that you don't truly get to see a person - their deeper sense of character and emotional vulnerabilities - until you've experienced their rough edges. In a sense then, he shared this perspective with her. However, she was so passionate about putting Brian into his rightful place beneath her, that seemingly her concern for the anxious bitch was only a second priority!

Emily was furious to see him snickering at something behind her and as she turned around, Brad regained his interests and the mischevious Lola began obsessively yapping again once again, demonstrating her Small Dog Syndrome.

"Well, you see that, don't you!" Emily exclaimed. "She's not very happy, now, is she?"

Brian paused for a moment or two to gather his thoughts and contain his self-amusement. It was times like this Brian felt frustrated he could not control who he felt attracted to, but he did admire her fiery disposition and inclination towards confrontation, even if she was, quite simply, incorrect. Was Lola perhaps, a socially ("dog-gily"?) anxious stray? It didn't matter.

"Well, I guess she needs to overcome her anxiety and be socialised around other dogs. Personally, I somehow doubt that you'd keep your's on the lead just because someone was screaming at you."

As Brian paused for just a brief moment, waiting for Emily's response, he found her dumbfounded. Was she disappointed when she realised that Brian simply would not fold that easily? Or was she excited at the possibility that he may in fact, prove to be a challenge for her? In any case, she would probably be let down by the prospect she may not see him again because Brian was about to put an end to the exchange.

Having said that, Emily did have a warm character glow about her - evidenced by her nurturing empathetic side and genuine concern for Lola. Brian decided he would be nice. "Now then, have a nice day," he said cheerily as Brad followed his master. And walking off casually, that would be the last of her he'd be seeing. Or so Brian thought.

"Fuck off!" she yelled, charmingly.

 

I'll think about the dog behaviour traits thing, admittedly I only researched one link for each breed in the story but I have not seen anything yet about Rottweiler's becoming completely obedient after a course or two of dog training. The idea of drawing the comparisons between the dogs and the owners is to show how the humans do not fit the D/s spectrum in a stereotypical way, so I don't mind if Lola is a little subservient or Brad is kind of difficult to manage. Neither of the owners are discipling their dogs to go to Crufts or anything. I agree that "warm character glow" is bad writing. It was said that Emily is not very relatable, so I'm still trying to figure out a way around that.

 

I mean like, this Rottweiler is 4 years old - so a relatively calm dog - and they are still recall training him on a long lead in a place with no other dogs or distractions, still using positive reinforcement techniques (biscuits/praise) and she still has to give him a tug on the lead when he gets distracted from the recall training. I also don't know if he has been neutered or anything like that.

Youtube source: "RECALL TRAINING WITH 4 YEAR OLD ROTTWEILER".

 

Part 2 of S&CS: Writing Progress a

I was hoping to boost the word count of the opening architectural description, but I have not found any literary inspiration for this. Let's see, I have 146 words for my beach description in part 1 but currently just 26 words that I have written about the cafe:

If anyone knows of any prominent authors that have written about cafe or modernised balconies on stilts that have beach views let me know. For now, I'm going to skip that part.

There is actually a minor problem with this part not mentioned in the original critique. Basically, it just skips a lot of what happened and how Brian got prepared for his first day at work. Did he shave, shower, spray on some masculine fragrances? Similarly, I later skip out what Emily did in between the beach confrontation scene and work:

I know why I did this, it's because as I set a theme of changing up the locations for each successive part, I did not want to draw the reader's attention away from the current scenery. However, this also creates a "black hole" in the timeline and the way things happen. There ought to be a little detour here and there in between immersing the reader in the imagery associated with the present moment, perhaps even evoking nostalgia somehow.

I would also prefer "primitively raw aggression" because I already used the word "sublime" in my updated draft of part 1. So, here's a little update:

Brian, approaching the beach hut cafe, had already closed the job interview for barrista. Pretty girls worked here as he already happened to know, since he had already walked past his crush when he went there before to apply for work. The sandy trail to his destination gave him a deja vu moment how on both occasions he had walked in feeling physically fresh, mentally prepared and dressed sharply in his casual smart attire.

On both occasions Brad had relaxed contentedly following a long beach walk with Brian. In his camper van, Brian had showered, shaved and put on his freshly ironed-checkered shirt and dark-grey tight jeans. The black and cyan lines formed parallels to the seams on his tightly fitted clothing where Brian had steam-pressed smouldering heat and blasts of cloudy air earlier that day. This time, Brad's owner confidently walked past his new customers observing the sea front in its primitively raw aggression.

The barista he crushed on had her black hair tied back in a bun. He could observe this as she had her back turned to him while working the coffee grinder. Dressed in all black, she wore flip flops, t-shirt and yoga pants revealing her nice, curvaceous figure (and a very nice bottom). Her feminine fragrances nostalgically reminded Brian of the aftershave he had used as part of his own masculine morning routine that day.

He had sprayed the cologne around his modestly defined jaw line and defined chest-line as he admired his own physique in the mirror. It was all part of his self-appreciation ceremony, since he liked to both sleep and shower naked before a busy routine. There was a zen art in the way it felt to wear his clothes after he had freshly washed, dried out and hotly ironed them. Feeling good physically on days like this was an essential component to Brian's self-esteem.