Erotic Writing (Self-Critiques)

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  1. Caro-Kann
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    Hi all,

    I originally posted this to my fetlife profile but nobody really seems to care because it didn't go in any groups, so I'd like to see if I can get more feedback here. The erotic story collection I'm referred to is called "Servitude and Cornish Seas", it can be accessed through my username (same as this one) over there but if you don't have a fetlife account, don't worry I'll be posting down below anyway. I'll begin with a self-critique of the work as a whole before I post "part 1" and attempt to critique that individually, the idea is to come up with something stronger. Uh, this overview is something I've already written by the way I'm just reposting it here. I've removed all links because I'm not sure if posting them is in the site rules or not but everything I've written is easy to find:

    Servitude and Cornish Seas: A Self-Writing Critique
    So, I plan to write a "book two" at some stage but also potentially not if I don't cultivate any interest in book one. Frankly the writing so far is mediocre but it's not because I am bad at writing, only because I am bad at writing erotica for reasons I outlined in a femdom group. These were difficulty balancing what I believe to typically interest women compared to what I would personally be aroused by myself:


    Anyway, maybe I can change some of this as it comes across in my series I wrote. I'll try to complete a part by part analysis at some point but to begin with I'll just do an overview.

    So firstly, the title paints a nice picture in many ways. But I kind of rushed the title without much thought so I feel like there may be something wrong however I can't quite put my finger on it. Perhaps part of the issue is that the theme of "Cornish seas" doesn't really relate back to the story line much except for in Part 1.

    In fact, the theme of "Servitude and Cornish Seas" in general - yes, it is poetic but it's not something that can be the subject theme of a story and what even is the subject theme? Dog walkers have a confrontation on the beach and they hate each other so the woman decides to use her position as supervisor which is established in part two to exert psychological control over the man?

    The whole idea of "hate fucking" in many ways is probably more sexually arousing for men like me than female viewers of this kind of work. So it seems questionable if I really wanted to attract a female audience that this would be the right kind of strategy to employ. Also I don't want to comment too much on the "strength of story writing" aspect since it is subjective. But it could certainly to be argued to weaken the whole plot and character development that this is how a "romance" entails.

    That brings me to the whole thing about complimenting romance with sex scenes and story development. I decided to write a lot of sex scenes because I knew it would help motivate my writing from the male perspective and because a woman on the forum where I requested advice also said that she too would like to have a good proportion of sex scenes to story development. I was writing erotica after all.

    But when we have the whole issue with poor relationship development between the main characters - Brian and Emily - in parts 1 & 2, where the main theme seems to be how Emily is frustrated/irritated by Brian and therefore wants to sexually dominate him as "revenge" - there is essentially no romantic development and the story itself is thin to begin with. This essentially means we have two parts where there is story development and then the remaining two thirds (parts 3 - 6) is just erotic content.

    I mean, I don't currently have ideas about developing the story in parts 1 & 2 to set a more realistic precedent for Brian and Emily to develop a sexually charged female dominated relationship. I certainly don't know if I can make the "hate fucking" element work. But I could certainly write parts in between the 4 erotic scenes so that the sexualised activity is not so condensed.

    The paragraph writing is also inconsistent. I began writing very short paragraphs as part of my "internet format" so readers would initially be enticed into reading something that is not very difficult to visually process, especially as parts 1 and even 2 are not particularly sexual. However, the paragraphs gradually got longer and longer, especially from Part 4 and not just the paragraphs but the writing itself is longest in Part 6.

    On the flip side, yes this is inconsistent but readers have had a chance to delve deep as the writing gets longer and the writing gets more and more sexual as it progresses so it is perhaps more exciting for sexually inclined readers from this point. So should I be overly preoccupied by form? Perhaps, perhaps not.

    Descriptions of nature and architecture are vivid and capture the imagination however, they are also brief and cut short at the beginning of each writing. Most of the sexualised descriptions are of women's physiques even though I am trying to arouse female interest in my writing and only include (mostly poor quality) shots of myself pretending to be "Brian". And these shots are difficult to fit into the whole narrative of the story.

    However, on the subject of the sexualised descriptions, I noticed that the best scene description I did was of Lily's yoga performance and that was because I used an online yoga clip as my inspiration. So perhaps I need to do more of this kind of thing but with clips that are not so unilaterally female focused. Obviously, this is hard to do though because of my sexual orientation. Also, I did not try writing any sexual content when I was unaroused because I felt I needed the inspiration. However, when I come to make writing edits, it could be a good idea to attempt this.

    I think that covers all the main points, however if there is anything I missed, I'll be able to come back to it as I dive into each individual part with more depth and consider writing alternatives.
     
  2. Caro-Kann
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    Servitude and Cornish Seas: Part 1, the Dog Walkers
    Curvaceous beaches, sexy blue skies, golden sands and dunes: you could see why dog walks along the Cornish sea front were so exciting.

    Grassy slopes like attractive piercing green eyes extended to the cliff face where a cavity scaled ash grey to charcoal black and burnt clay orange.

    The grass - patches of moss green here, lime green there and pine green over there, complimenting the imposing waves that crashed on the shore: emerald, sea foam, cyan and turquoise.

    On the other side of the beach, burnt yellow grass protruded to the edge of the cliff, presumably where a farmer had not been watering the fields, or perhaps the soil was just different there.

    Nearby, dry orange ferns that desperately needed water and yet surrounded by it everywhere contrasted the remainder of vegetation that was around everywhere else.

    The views were breath taking but Brian, his matty unkempt hair and general disorganisation, was too busy stressing about his unruly Rottweiler to be taken in by such things.

    But he did notice Emily, as she strut along moodily by her small, playful but anxious dog from the road down to the beach.

    Distracted, by her flowing blonde hair and tattooed legs accentuated by her shorts so he momentarily forgot to keep Bradley in close proximity.

    She flung her arms in dismayed annoyance as Brian's dog approached her timid bitch playfully because she nearly ran out onto the road!

    Brian thought that if her dog, Lola was so likely to run away from other dogs like that, you'd at least keep her on the lead around roads.

    But instead of arguing, he called Bradley back and Emily strut off barefooted, her red toe nail polish glistened in the golden sands and Brian went down to the sea with his great, excitable black and brown dog who chased waves bigger than himself.

    Emily walked off in annoyance - why can't people see I have a dog with emotional difficulties, she wondered. At least he had the decency to call him back eventually but still, can't he keep him on tighter control?

    Later, Brian and Bradley walked around the rocks by the cliff corner, so tall and imposing it dominated it's surroundings. Here, he encountered Emily and Lola once more.

    And he would have got Bradley back sooner but he never saw her walking around those rocks. Ferociously beating his undocked tail side to side, he ran over to play boisterously with the anxious Schipperke who began yapping nervously.

    And Emily wasn't having it. Flinging her arms up in exasperation, she exclaimed, "are you taking the piss, or what?"

    "What?" said Brian.

    "That's the second time your dog ran up to mine."

    "Well that's just how it goes," Brian responded, walking past and attempting to just ignore her. "Dogs like to play off leads - we can't keep them all confined like zoo animals."

    But Emily wasn't going to let him just dismissively waltz off, arrogantly and negligently refusing to manage his dog on a public beach.

    She put her hands on her hips, getting ready for a confrontation. "Wait there," she commanded walking around him to make sure he looked her in the eye.

    "Can't you see she's sick? She's got a problem being around other dogs".

    It was times like this Brian felt frustrated he could not control who he felt attracted to but he did admire her fiery disposition and inclination towards confrontation, even if she was, quite simply, incorrect.

    "Well, I guess she needs to overcome that and be socialised around other dogs then. Doubt you'd keep your's on the lead if someone was screaming at you either. Now then, have a nice day."

    And walking off casually, that would be the last of her he'd be seeing, or so Brian thought.

    "Fuck off!" she yelled, charmingly.
     
  3. madams-sissysub
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    Thanks for sharing!
     
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  4. Caro-Kann
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    #4 Caro-Kann, Sep 15, 2022
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    Servitude and Cornish Seas: Critique of "Part 1"
    So, continuing where I left off with my overview of parts 1-6, I'll focus on part 1 today. In the overview, I mentioned paragraph writing and the inconsistency of the idea with writing short parts at the beginning and writing longer paragraphs in the finale of book 1. Actually, though the "paragraphs" are barely two or three lines long in Part 1 and I am not so convinced anymore by my reasoning that it's because of "internet format" and engaging reader's attention with something that is visually appealing.

    In fact, I was typing this on my phone which makes paragraphs look longer so it's no wonder they are so short. All of that in mind, let's look at how the opening description of the beach in Part 1 reads with the paragraphs condensed:

    *Curvaceous beaches, sexy blue skies, golden sands and dunes: you could see why dog walks along the Cornish sea front were so exciting. Grassy slopes like attractive piercing green eyes extended to the cliff face where a cavity scaled ash grey to charcoal black and burnt clay orange. The grass - patches of moss green here, lime green there and pine green over there, complimenting the imposing waves that crashed on the shore: emerald, sea foam, cyan and turquoise.

    On the other side of the beach, burnt yellow grass protruded to the edge of the cliff, presumably where a farmer had not been watering the fields, or perhaps the soil was just different there. Nearby, dry orange ferns that desperately needed water and yet surrounded by it everywhere contrasted the remainder of vegetation that was around everywhere else.*

    So, the first phrases I had initially thought to make them into just single sentences:

    Curvaceous beaches. Sexy blue skies. Golden sands and dunes.

    The grammar is potentially questionable but visually, it does read in a very captivating way. In fact, I established a theme by opening each successive part with short, descriptive phrases (not sentences) in succession of one another. Unless I get an alternative idea, I'd like to stick with it. The other thing here is the use of sexualised adjectives:

    curvaceous ... sexy ... attractive

    While being a tad on the cringe side, it's not my only objection here. The mildly sexualised vocabulary is intended to attract an audience who might be bored by the fact the erotica does not open with a sex scene or some such. Kind of like an indication or promise that the erotica soon will become very sexual - you just have to "grit" your teeth and get through the "boring parts". But not only is that very self-deprecating, it comes across a little desperate. On the other hand, it is erotica should I be afraid to open with a sexualised description of the beach. Probably not.

    I'd like to mention that the original description was just two lines long:

    Curvaceous beaches, sexy blue skies, golden sands and dunes: you could see why dog walks along the Cornish sea front were so exciting.

    But not satisfied with that, I read a Mark Twain passage where he describes how he learned how to pilot a steam boat. In "Life on the Mississipi", Mark Twain wrote a very technical description of the river in his essay, "Two Ways of Seeing a River". It is incredibly detailed to a point that is (perhaps intentionally) painful to read but yet the writing ebbs and flows:

    We can see here that Mark Twain was definitely unconcerned about writing short paragraphs that are easy on the eye as per "internet format". Anyway, Richard Norquist writes that Twain came to have "complicated feelings" about the river due to "the growth and change in perspective with regard to the river he underwent as a steamboat pilot". And I sympathise with this a lot, most likely for different reasons though seeing as spending long times in nature will overwhelm you with different emotions.

    But it did not seem very soulful or open minded to say Brian was "bored" being on the beach so after having read Twain's detailed account of his river and having gone to visit a beach myself I came up with analytical lines such as:

    Grassy slopes like attractive piercing green eyes extended to the cliff face where a cavity scaled ash grey to charcoal black and burnt clay orange.

    The grass - patches of moss green here, lime green there and pine green over there, complimenting the imposing waves that crashed on the shore: emerald, sea foam, cyan and turquoise.

    On the other side of the beach, burnt yellow grass protruded to the edge of the cliff, presumably where a farmer had not been watering the fields, or perhaps the soil was just different there.

    Nearby, dry orange ferns that desperately needed water and yet surrounded by it everywhere contrasted the remainder of vegetation that was around everywhere else.

    In any case, instead of writing something like "Brian wished he could be more appreciative of his natural surroundings, the stupid philistine that he was", I simply wrote:

    The views were breath taking but Brian, his matty unkempt hair and general disorganisation, was too busy stressing about his unruly Rottweiler to be taken in by such things.

    After all, Brian is the hero of the story, so we can't express too negative a perspective on his shortcomings. As for the dogs, I didn't want a literary comparison to be drawn from Brad and Lola, contrasting them to their owner's personalities, so I did not reverse genders. That is to say that if "Brad" had been a "Bridgette" and "Lola" had been a "Luke", the anxiety Luke expressed on the beach would have been used as a literary comparison to Brian's later submission to Emily in the story.

    The fact that Lola is controlled tightly by the bossy Emily but Brad is wild and uncontrollable could have been misconstrued as Luke "tightly controlled" by Emily and Brad more closely resembling Emily's dominant character. But I didn't want Brad to fit into a stereotypical view of femdom dynamics between the dominant woman and man. I wanted Brad to have his own character that is more than just his inevitable submission, I wanted it to be so that Emily is forced to break him into submission.

    So, for that reason I would prefer the comparison if anything to be one where Brian is compared to Brad's untamed nature and Emily is like Lola in many ways - reserved and rule oriented - just without the anxiety or introversion. But is such a comparison even clear? There is no direct comparison made anywhere in the writing. Also, we may ask whether a comparison is mandatory for a piece of writing to be considered strong and thoughtful.

    English writing analysts tend to project their interpretations of "literary techniques" on the canon of "great authors" like Shakespeare but are they always objective in doing so? Is a great piece of writing always intended to have multiple meanings and if so, is that the factor that makes it "great"? I can't really answer that question here but I can point out it would certainly be possible to have a line that describes Brad as "wild, untamed, uncontrolled" because it would already have a clear parallel with the part where Brian is described as having "matty unkempt hair and general disorganisation".

    We do have some lines about Brad though they don't yet make such a comparison very clear. These say that he is a "great, excitable black and brown dog who chased waves bigger than himself". Also, he "ferociously beats his undocked tail side to side" and "runs over to play boisterously".

    With Emily on the other hand, she

    • "struts along moodily",
    • demonstrates "dismayed annoyance"
    • "flings her arms up in exasperation"
    • "exclaims"
    • "puts her hands on her hips"
    • "gets ready for a confrontation"
    • "commands, walking around Brian to make sure he looked her in the eye" (n.b. can I have "commands, while demandingly walking around Brian to make sure he looks her in the eye"?)
    • has "fiery disposition and inclination towards confrontation"
    But does this compare even remotely to Lola?

    • "small, playful but anxious dog"
    • "timid bitch"
    • "a dog with emotional difficulties"
    • "an anxious Schipperke who began yapping nervously"
    If there is any literary comparison to be made here whatsoever, it needs some serious clarification!

    I talked earlier sexualised descriptions, we later come back to natural imagery where I define the cliff as being "tall and imposing". "It dominated it's (grammar!) surroundings", I write. There is the same potential question mark about trying to make nature sound sexual (I don't do this in any other part), especially since in this instance I wrote "tall, imposing, dominating its surroundings" with the idea of a Domme in high heels. But can I make that clear somehow without literally writing something too obvious like "the cliff was like a Domme in high heels". Perhaps I could put that the cliff is a "she" and elevated somehow from the beach and the sands below her. "Tall imposing, dominating her surroundings as if the cliff could wear heels". In any case, that's another question without a clear answer as of yet.

    Since this is a non-sexual scene, I also provide some sexualisation of a character's appearance but it is not of Brian, even though this could potentially be what is necessary to captivate more female interest in my story. Instead, I mildly sexualise Emily:

    • "flowing blonde hair and tattooed legs accentuated by her shorts"
    • "Emily strut off barefooted, her red toe nail (spelling) polish glistened in the golden sands"
    • "Brian felt frustrated he could not control who he felt attracted to but he did admire her fiery disposition and inclination towards confrontation"
    I don't find any of this too obvious which is a pro (because in later parts, a lot of the sexualisation really is far too obvious). However, there are some of the earlier issues mentioned about sexualising the natural descriptions:

    Again, there is a lot to say, however all the question marks so far seem to me highly ambiguous in what sort of response they are supposed to evoke. I will try to rewrite this - and the other parts - after I have got through my successive writing critiques, part by part. Perhaps by then I will have more ideas - and potentially more criticisms that can only have the purpose to strengthen the writing (when valid, that is).
     
  5. Caro-Kann
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    Servitude and Cornish Seas: Part 2, the Baristas

    Modern exterior, nice balcony with noveau wooden floor boards, the walls were made from windows and the glass doors were open and slide shut.

    Very minimalist. Brian, approaching the beach hut cafe, had already closed the job interview as a barrista. Pretty girls worked here as he already happened to know.

    As Brad relaxed contentedly following a long beach walk with Brian, his owner walked past his new customers observing the sea front in it's primitively sublime aggression.

    The barista he crushed on had her black hair tied back in a bun. He could observe this as she had her back turned to him while working the coffee grinder. Dressed in all black, she wore flip flops, t-shirt and yoga pants revealing her nice, curvaceous figure (and a very nice bottom).

    "One Americano please," he said gently and Lily turned and smiled sweetly. Did she authentically like Brian, or was she just paid to be nice?

    You could tell with female baristas they saw being nice as a general principle emotionally fulfilling on one hand, smart and practical. Never exhausting or draining, at least you'd hope.

    "One Americano coming up, black and no sugar just as you like it," and Brian never tried to charm his way out of paying.

    Later, as he was finishing up his delicious home brewed hot drink he headed to the bar with the cup. He didn't notice Emily turn up behind in the same uniform as Lily.

    "Very gentlemanly, saving us all the time and effort, clearing up" she said.

    "Well, I am working here now after all, so you'd think it make sense," and Lily laughed awkwardly in response but Emily was not at all reserved.

    "Your the new arrival and you're drinking coffee before your first shifts even begun?" she criticised with acerbic attack, sending shock waves down Brian's spine from behind. "Where's your uniform, anyway?"

    Brian was shocked and swallowed his fear but he kept his cool. "Oh, it's in the bag here, I was going to go change in the toilets here."

    "Well I'm the supervisor here and we can't have staff changing in the customer facilities. You're going to have to do better than how you were managing your dog before. Go change on the fucking beach or something."

    Mysteriously, she put it so bluntly embarrassing Brian in the moments she wanted him to feel shame but nobody noticing when she used crass language and no customer feeling uncomfortable with her dulcet aggression.

    "Right-o," said Brian cheerily and headed back to his camper for the awkward walk of shame there and back. Customers applauded as he walked back through in black t-shirt and jeans and he gave a bow while Emily scowled at him, and Lily giggled while Emily couldn't see her facial expressions.

    "You're late," said Emily. "Pay attention to how I operate the till."

    During the day as Emily micro-managed Brian, asking sure he did every little thing she asked while showing him the ropes, Brian was careful not to check out the customers and the other bar tenders too obviously (as he always was). But Cornish talent at the beach was something else.

    After his eyes slipped down to Lily's beautiful bust concealed only by her t-shirt, his eyes slipped down to her petite feet, toe nail polish and pretty anklet, too. Lily smiled flirtatiously and checked out Brian in return, not bothering to disguise her quick flashing glance up and down his slender, athletic physique.

    But Emily didn't look impressed. "Brian, one word in private please," she commanded. Was she ... jealous?

    I bet the smug prick just thinks I'm jealous of Lily, thought Emily. "Look," she said. "I've tried to professionally put to one side the fact we got off on the wrong foot, but this isn't working."

    "I can't have you looking at customers and other baristas the way you have been. You're looking at boobs and bums, even feet all fucking day. A woman's eyes are up here when you talk to them, do you understand? It's disrespectful."

    "Well, what exactly are you going to tell the boss?" Brian laughed, and then he asserted: "I was looking at the women directly." After all, it's not like most guys don't have this problem to some degree.

    "How about I tell her you assaulted me with your dog, turned up to work in the wrong outfit and started late?"

    "I assaulted ..." Brian looked stupefied. "Don't be ridiculous."

    "It's not ridiculous. Listen to me, Brian. I've worked my ass off at this venture the last 5 years, you only just got started. Who do you think they'll believe?".

    Brian was frustrated beyond belief, he was close to tears. He needed the money quite badly but this was hardly a professional situation he thought.

    He turned speechless and looked at the door behind him, ready to just walk out. But some feeling made him freeze with inactivity - and Emily quickly responded after the pregnant pause which she probably revelled in. She was even pretending to look almost partially sympathetic now. Or was this a genuine gesture?

    "But everything is going to be ok. I'm a forgiving kind of person, so you get another chance here."

    Brian looked at her, still feeling resentment: he wasn't even sure he wanted to work with someone like Emily.

    "We do have to do something about you gawking women up and down though," she satarted saying a lot quite quickly and very unabashedly. "In particular, we can't have you looking at their feet, so we will have to do something to control your behaviour, perhaps even your erections."

    "I'm permitted to take you off-site if it's in the best interests of business management. So, if you want to keep your job, you'd better take me to that camper of your's, ASAP. By the way, how did you like Lily's ankle bracelet ... ? That's a rhetorical question, I already know what kind of a feeling you got in your pants."
     
  6. Jay Sub
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    You need to make the characters likeable, the description of scenery relatable and the dialogue believable. They are not in my opinion.
     
  7. Caro-Kann
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    They are likeable to me, especially Brian but even Emily. It's funny how that works, most people would not like the same character traits as me. So I suppose I just need to sell them harder so people will see what I see in Brian and Emily. But I never really figured out if Emily is a villain or not, even at the end of Book One. She reminds me of the feminists on fetlife. Angry, nitpicking and often incorrect but also bold and direct.
     
  8. IB-Chaste
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    You keep using the same words/phrases close together. Who would actually talk like that?
    Surely they would say “Oh, it’s my bag I was going to change in the toilets before I started”

    And I’m with @Jay Sub . If you meant to make them likeable/relatable you haven’t done so. All I know of Brian is that he doesn’t brush his hair and he’s rude if you meet him on a dog walk.
     
  9. Caro-Kann
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    Yeah, I have a long-standing battle with the whole word resonance debate due to the conflicting advice I received from two of my university professors back when I was an undergrad.

    Uh, your sentence would be a mouthful to speak as it doesn't have any commas except after "oh". Think about how hard it would be to spit out all those words in the heat of a confrontation:

    it’s my bag I was going to change in the toilets before I started

    That's part of the issue with the solutions to word resonance. It's just a problem that never goes away.

    That's a bit harsh!
     
  10. Caro-Kann
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    #10 Caro-Kann, Sep 16, 2022
    Last edited: Sep 16, 2022
    Servitude and Cornish Seas: Critique of "Part 2"

    Anyway, the descriptive language while captivating with the brevity of phrases (that could purely be short sentences) at the beginning, at only two lines long, it is nowhere near as long as it was in part 1:

    Which is odd because you'd think that I of all people would have more to say about modernised coffee shops with beach views but it seems like I don't.

    Once again, I'd like to see how the writing reads in longer paragraphs, which I am becoming more and more inclined to implement as I get through these critiques:

    And this is where we get into a gradually escalating sexual tone: "pretty girls", "barista he crushed on", "yoga pants revealing her nice curves and bottom", etc. Is it too soon? Hard to say because I've never written erotica before but it still seems quite minimal perhaps even too little at this point if we're to find a genuine way to ramp up sexual chemistry.

    I'd also like to mention, I like the fact I managed to slip in a little more descriptive language at least with the "long beach walk", "the sea front" and "it's (grammar!) sublime aggression). I think there could be at least a little more given the thinness of description at the beginning.

    Unlike in Part 1 where I read a Mark Twain passage then went to a beach for inspiration in my descriptions, I didn't do anything like that for Part 2. Since my description is quite different to Twain really, you wouldn't think something like that would show but it does. A critic on the Chastity Mansion website said my natural scenery descriptions were unrelatable and I'm not entirely sure what they meant but, in this part, they certainly are thin.

    Also, should I say anything more about the female barista than her hair is tied back in a bun and she is wearing sexy yoga pants? Perhaps, but I do have more to say about her in later parts, so we'll come back to that point when I've reviewed the remaining descriptive language.

    I like this character analysis from my own experiences. I'm sure if I meditate on this a bit more deeply, I will come back to that.

    This on the other hand is a touch disappointing. I love coffee but I had nothing to say about the textures or the flavours? Hot? Steaming? Bitter? Roasted? Freshly ground? I suppose taste is quite an intangible thing really especially since I don't think the best cup of black coffee I've ever had was "bitter", that just isn't the word for it. Come to think of it, I don't even know what the best cup of black coffee I've ever had was, I'll have to come back to that.

    Another thing I could have discussed was how the barista made the coffee. Did she pour the beans into the grinder? Did they make a certain noise as they piled in? Can I authentically capture the quality of that noise they make? Can I describe how the coffee pours (rushes?) into the cup? The sound, the smell, the visual of it? I don't even think my vocabulary is large enough for it, or perhaps the words in the English language just don't exist.

    So, my sole writing critic on Chastity Mansion doesn't think the characters are likeable and he may have a point. But Lily is particularly loveable. Though later parts reveal she may have a lovingly sadistic side she either conceals or is too naive to realise the painful impact her seeming loveliness has on Brian as she toys with him.

    Similarly, with Emily I never really figured out right up until the end of book 1 if she is a villain, a complex character or perhaps even more "moral" than Brian & Lily in some ways. It doesn't make much sense, possibly because I like writing that is morally ambiguous I'm more likely to incorporate that into my own. Perhaps I should make it clearer in some sense that a lot of what I put is morally ambiguous.

    Further exploring this idea of "unlikeable characters", here Emily tells Brian to "change on the fucking beach or something" while Brian acts apathetic and "cool". It was actually something I forgot to mention in my critique of part 1 where I wrote things like,

    Not sure if this is even possible to address though, it just seems to be part of the character dynamics. Kind of like one of those romances where the prospective couple meet by having a bicker in the library and fall in love when they realise they are equally as strong willed.

    Back to part 2:

    Is this believable? That was the third thing my critic said, that much of the dialogue was unbelievable. Well, here no customer is noticeably uncomfortable, which you'd think they would be after they heard her speak to Brian. But I mean look at Gordon Ramsay when he goes around restaurants yelling at the owners or yelling at his own chefs in Kitchen Nightmares. What do people think? Are they offended? Or do they think "job well done, what an assertive man, he's only looking after the business here". I couldn't really comment because I haven't ever done a survey on it. If Emily was yelling at a customer, it would definitely be considered offensive but she's not.

    Don't know if this could be one of the things some might say makes Brian unlikeable. My personal view is just that most high libido straight men have it in them.

    I actually find this part highly erotic - the sexual chemistry between Lily and Brian, Emily's domineering demand to "control" their behaviour, the way she uses her power and authority to dominate Brian. But is this all male gaze stuff or is it something that could appeal to dominant women? Do dominant women like this sort of behaviour in real life or does it have to be scripted? There's a few question marks that arise where the solutions once again seem ambiguous.

    Anyway, I want to make a word here about comedy:

    Basically at this point the dialogue becomes so bad (and yes, unbelievable) it is potentially received as intentional. And as we know intentionally bad can be comedy - parody. But it reads as a tad on the farcical side. Also, the way the tone changes - beautiful, meaningful, sexual, professional and then "comical". It seems inconsistent. I mean Shakespeare used to alternate between humour and drama, violence, romance and so forth. But can I write like Shakespeare? Did he know something I don't? Would he have done the same thing here? All seems ambiguous.

    The thing is bringing up "assault" isn't incredibly humorous but it is meant to be a parody of some feminists and their ideas about boundary/consent breaking within 2 metre radius and the like. Still not sure it's very funny however the power exchange where Emily threatens to accuse Brian of assault creates sexual chemistry at least from the male gaze perspective. Perhaps not something dominant women would want but I was struggling for ideas on how to build towards a sex scene between Emily and Brian.

    We can see here though:

    It's not a greatly developed chemistry and the "humour" is once again farcical more so than parodic. I need to rethink how to convey the ideas mentioned above if I am not going to eliminate them altogether.

    Anyway,

    None of these parts really spell out to me "romantic development", "light humour", etc. Even the erotic potential is overshadowed by the upsetting use of language - was I going for dark erotica at this point? Where Emily's sadistic streak becomes eroticised? Because the remaining parts are not particularly dark in writing, so consistency becomes an issue here again. Or are the frequent changes in emotional tone actually acceptable?

    Lastly, what about the romantic development. This doesn't seem like the beginning of a healthy relationship but like I said earlier at the end of Book One I still haven't decided whether Emily is a villain or what. The writing comes across irrational but then in my view much good art is irrational. Does my writing compare to that high standard of good art though? Probably not as yet. Can it? I'm not sure, writing erotica has never really been my gift for reasons that are probably already evident.
     
  11. IB-Chaste
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    My apologies. Put a full stop after bag and it’s fine… but I didn’t get the confrontation aspect of that whole scenario. He would surely be more surprised than confrontational if you wanted him to seem likeable.

    Also, research dog ownership as it’s clearly off. Would say you don’t have first hand experience of a Rottweiler.

    Also, your right about Cornish seas being wrong. Are they going to board a ship or does this occur on the beachfront?

    Theres a lot tbh that needs work. Even down to describing Cornish views as aggressive. Doesn’t feel synonymous with the surrounding to my eye. I’m picturing calm weather as the scenery is so green or dried out from the sun…

    Anyhow. Enjoy writing, from what I’ve seen you brush off criticism with out consideration.
     
  12. IB-Chaste
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    IB-Chaste Long term member

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    I will apologise sometimes as I look at my own posts and realise I can come off blunt.
     
  13. Caro-Kann
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    Caro-Kann Long term member

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    I'm a believer that you don't experience people's vulnerabilities until you've seen their "rough edges".

    I don't own either a Rottweiler or Schipperke. Labradors, because I didn't want to project myself too heavily into the fictional characters. Docking Rottweiler tails is thought to be unethical in plenty of circles, google it. Or are you talking about Rottweilers running up to other dogs on the beach?

    Board a ship? No, it's on the beachfront. Uh, I actually walked around Pembrokeshire beaches because once again I didn't want this to be about my life. That said I've been to quite a few Cornish sea sides but not recently.

    Eh, it's not meant to have a regional bias like that. People up in Birmingham and elsewhere definitely can be this aggressive though.

    Hot and windy.

    Lol. Anyway, the above points I just made clearly haven't been communicated even if I am absolutely correct. So there is valid criticism in that, cheers. Criticism is appreciated regardless if I agree with it, cheers again.
     
  14. IB-Chaste
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    IB-Chaste Long term member

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    Yes it’s off it’s lead. Which he wouldn’t do if it wasn’t obedient… but it is as Brian called it back at some stage. It’s way off. Well trained Rottweilers don’t even move without command.

    Also if your describing dogs as a dog lover would you’d almost give them a humanesque description. If you wanted to show them as a wild animal you’d have said more than about its tail… you barely even introduced him. But you’ve made it an integral part of the story.

    You haven’t portrayed hot and windy at all. Like you didn’t describe the scenery. You could have described a scene on another planet, nothing comes across around the beautiful place it supposed to be set in.

    Honestly, I wouldn’t care about any of this if it was a good piece of literotica, but two chapters in and it’s so very very tame. Maybe give some descriptions of how looking at customers boobs and toes made him feel etc. how he knew he shouldn’t be doing that… something to make it a little more sordid.
     
  15. Caro-Kann
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    Caro-Kann Long term member

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    Uh, I can see why you'd think that. Honestly, I didn't want to write too much about the dogs because it's erotica and you know, a tad irrationally phobic about that kind of thing being misconstrued.

    As for my platonic experiences with dogs, that's another story altogether.

    Yeah, I didn't mention windy. When I went to the beach that day, sand was blowing in my face. Vibrant sun and blue sky but cool temperatures. Waves crashing down. Everything else was as it was written.

    Yeah, I didn't want the writing to move too fast and that. Story and not just sexy times. Later there is too many sexy times and not enough story. We'll come back to that.

    Rather than make Brian seem like a creep, I wanted to make Emily look like an authoritarian prude.
     
  16. IB-Chaste
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    Firstly, it’s erotica. So put some sexual stuff in. Not full blown sex scenes… just something evocative.
    Again, did not get authoritarian pride at all. Was she not overly charming waitress? A little flirtatious?
     
  17. Caro-Kann
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    Caro-Kann Long term member

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    You're confusing Emily with Lily. The kindest thing I wrote about Emily in Part 2 was "dulcet aggression".
     
  18. IB-Chaste
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    Then my point is made. You need to work on the characters…
     
  19. Caro-Kann
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    Servitude and Cornish Seas: Part 3, the Wilderness
    Wild bushes, overgrown trees and tall long unkempt grass. The scenery was luscious, like Emily who may as well have been leading the hapless Brian towards the most secluded part of the caravan park on a leash.

    Actually, Brian knew he could have always just found a new job but he was curious to see what Emily had in store. But she seemed sadistic in her cold, quiet irritation - enough to make any man nervous.

    Brad barked as they approached the camper so Emily instructed Brian to lock him in the toilet.

    "I'm not doing that!" Brad exclaimed.

    "You will if you care about staying in the same coffee shop as the pretty Lily," Emily smiled sweetly.

    Brad was initially baffled that she brought up Lily but he rolled his eyes, gave Brad a pat and put him in the bedroom with a couple of dog treats instead. Then he came back outside to see what Emily's grand plan was for him.

    As he stepped outside she immediately snapped him on her smart phone.

    "What's that?" he said.

    "Collateral. Now go stand over there where the background is nice, I want to take some more."

    Brian obliged, and she took some photos of him in his chocolate brown jumper and trousers which he slipped into after work. She would alter his pose and tell him to stand in slightly different ways: Brian complained how fussy she was being but she insisted she wanted to take the perfect shots.

    "You're an attractive guy," she said. "Which is why you're going to strip off, now" and she clicked her fingers.

    Brian felt a short pang of chauvinistic pride - the idea of stripping off for a woman momentarily got the better of him. But his desire to be naked and admired before a beautiful woman prevailed. He had to at least offer some token resistance however.

    "Listen, I'm a dominant," he said. Lily scoffed.

    "Well if you're a dominant, why are you here stripping off for my gorgeous bosom, my nice round ass, my feet. Get stripping, bitch."

    "Uh, well umm ... we may get some unintended viewers around here."

    "That's OK, I already know you picked the most secluded part of the caravan park for your privacy and peace of mind. Strip. Now. Bitch."

    And as Brian - pretending not to be too eager - gradually took off his clothes, Emily slowed him down, making sure to get the perfect shots each time. And after his t-shirt was off, she tied his hands behind his back.

    When he was fully naked she commented how small he looked, even though he had some moderate musculature, even though his flaccid penis was at least average. However he started to bulge, which Emily did not initially notice.

    "I find it quite cute you know. I like submissives with fragile features: slender physiques, adorable peckers, you know? Of course, it's why you'll have things done to you as a submissive, rather than do things to me as a dominant. And of course it's why you'll be going in chastity."

    And she leaned over to physically handle his penis herself. As she begun trying to cram his partially erect penis into a spiked chastity cage she had pulled out of her handbag, she noticed it wouldn't fit.

    "What do you think you're doing, perv?" She exclaimed. "I never gave you permission to get hard - that's a violation of my consent boundaries - and I'm a woman."

    Of course, Emily did not really mean this part about a violation of her consent boundaries, it was simply part of an act which Brian knew about.

    "Oh uh, sorry" replied Brian.

    "Sorry...?"

    Brian looked confused.

    "Sorry Goddess. Yes, we're going to have to educate you on the enthusiastic consent model. You always ask a woman if she is enthusiastic about anything you are doing. You do not ask 'may I do this thing because it pleases me'. You say 'would it please you for me to serve you in this way'?"

    Brian was rock hard. Emily smirked in satisfaction looking at his 6 inch penis - it was actually the perfect size she thought (to humiliate and torment a man she was never going to let fuck her).

    Brian found this so arousing in fact, he decided to give her some ammunition.

    "Goddess?"

    "Speak only when spoken to," Emily snapped and Brian kept his cool, remaining silently chill. "Well...?" She asked.

    "I never had sex with a woman before, if you put me in that thing you will let me out again, right?"

    Emily smirked so hard her orgasmic arousal could barely be contained.

    "I'll let you out if and when I feel like it. You're going to be my virgin bitch," she said. "Quite fitting really, considering your adorably small assets. While you're hard though, I'd like to do a comparison."

    Emily pulled out a large, 10 inch dildo from her handbag and Brian looked discomforted. Only now did he realise what he truly got himself involved in: Emily was a ruthless, sadistic freak. She put her, much larger dildo next to his smaller penis.

    "Now that is a proper dick," she said. "But I still have uses for your small one. But unfortunately for you we're going to have to find a way to get it in the cage - suitably small, just for you."

    And with that she began cramming the cage on Brian who could not reduce his own erection at this point for her to do so. So Emily twisted and punched his balls, furious in her frustration with Brad.

    "Will you just fucking obey and get it in, already?"

    Emily stopped trying to cram his hard penis in and instead began punching, kneeing and kicking it, ignoring Brian's winces of agony. When finally, Brian was only partially erect, Emily just about managed to squeeze the spiked chastity cage onto Brian's now locked cock.

    "Beautiful," she said looking at his torso. "You really do look amazing in your newest accessory. Gorgeous, succulent, attractive, slender ... " she chuckled, looking at his limp dick "... cute."

    "Now take me into your room."

    She pulled Brian in by his spiked chastity cage, only to find Brad on the bed, his long tongue slobbering out, panting heavily.

    "What the fuck do you think I am? A bestiophile? I told you to lock him out." Emily said irritately, sending Brad out the room. "Well you will pay for that, because now I'm going to make you hard in that tiny cage of yours," and she began rubbing her tight ass in those gorgeous yoga pants against Brian's crotch.

    "Do you like my ass, huh bitch?".

    "Oh..." Brian winced in pain. "Yes Goddess."

    "Kiss it, bitch."

    Brian kissed it.

    "Don't you wish you could fuck it, my virgin bitch?"

    "Yes Goddess, please Goddess," Brian pleaded desperately.

    "Have you had enough?" Emily dropped her tone and suddenly sounded sympathetic.

    "Oh Emily, yes, please take it off I'm swelling right up in this thing and the spikes are poking in."

    Of course, this consensual non-consent element had previously been negotiated when the two of them had made their way over to the camper van and Brian's safety word was simply "red traffic light". Emily grinned cruelly.

    "That's Goddess to you. And you haven't even begun yet."

    With that, she kneed Brian in the cage and balls then kicked him, pressing those lovely feet and red nail painted toes into his toned chest, pushing him onto the bed.

    Emily began rubbing her breasts against Brian's cage.

    "Do you like my boobs?"

    "Yes Goddess."

    "Would you like a titty fuck?"

    "Yes Goddess."

    "Not going to happen, bitch."

    "Would you like a blowjob?"

    "Yes Goddess."

    "Again, not going to happen, bitch. Your dick isn't big enough, neither are your muscles and you don't have enough of a dominant disposition ..."

    Emily paused.

    "I do find you cute though."

    With that, Emily sat on Brian's crotch, pressing his tight cage into his balls, then began rubbing her feet into his face.

    "Do you like my pretty little feet?"

    "Yes Goddess."

    "Clean aren't they?"

    "Yes Goddess."

    "I cleaned them in lemon scented bubble bath today, I'm going to train you to do this for me."

    "Yes Goddess."

    Emily wiggled her butt into Brian's tight cage, grinding firmly into his cock. Brian was in ecstatic agony.

    "Do they smell nice?"

    "Yes Goddess, like lemon."

    "I painted my nails red today, you're going to learn how to do this too, right Brian?"

    "Yes Goddess."

    "And what are the favourite parts of my feet for you Brian."

    "Your ankle tattoo, Goddess."

    "Yes tribal it's very nice, isn't it?"

    "Yes Goddess."

    Goddess Emily got up and started grinding her ass in Brian's face - which he had already agreed to as part of a pre-negotiated dynamic. She smothered his face for a while and then when she was kind enough to let him breathe again, she lifted her hips and said,

    "You're a bitch for my ankle tattoo, say it."

    "I'm a bitch for your ankle tattoo."

    "Your a bitch for my feet, say it."

    "I'm a bitch for your feet."

    "My ass in my tight yoga pants."

    "I'm a bitch for your ass in your tight yoga pants."

    "My boobs."

    "I'm a bitch for your boobs."

    "This pretty face."

    "I'm a bitch for your pretty face."

    "For me."

    "I'm a bitch for you."

    "I'm Goddess Emily's foot slut bitching fuck toy cutie, say it."

    "I'm Goddess Emily's foot slut bitching fuck toy cutie."

    "Glad we've got that all sorted. Now, I'm having a house party tonight and I want you to serve the drinks. I'll text you the address, don't be late."

    With that, Goddess Emily pridefully strutted out the room and petted Brad on the way out who whined and then subserviently lay down for her.
     
  20. Anthony lee
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    Anthony lee Seeking impowerment through chastity

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    Hi Caro-Kann, When I get time, I'll read this in full. Thank you for sharing and for creating what I'm sure is a lovely story. I read the last piece and loved it. i think you are on the right track. For better reading could you take out the spacing? Sounds very sexy and arousing. I'll read it in full when I get the time.
     
  21. Caro-Kann
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    Yeah, I mentioned this in the self-critique parts that the spacing is not good for the reasons I had thought it might be. When I have done all the edits, the spacing is going to go. But for now I am just posting Parts 3 - 6 as I already did them (before the self-critiques). From Part 4 on, the paragraphs get longer anyway.
     
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  22. Caro-Kann
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    Servitude and Cornish Seas: Critique of "Part 3"

    So, once again the opening description is thin but I feel I've covered this point extensively in the last two parts (guess I really need more Mark Twain passages). Once again, I'd like to contrast the way the paragraphs look visually once they've been compacted:

    This last line: "Emily instructed Brian to lock him in the toilet" along with the following dialogue seems to contribute to the absence of relatable-ness with the characters (whether or not this is a problem, depends if Emily is going to be a villain, whether she will go through some sort of "redemption ark", etc. - but I haven't decided on these things so I still don't know where I stand with "Emily" as a character):

    Basically, this comes across as blackmail fetish but does writing this way in erotica have any legal repercussions? To cover myself, I later put in some lines to clarify such as

    The idea here is to communicate that all "consensual non-consent" themes that take place are consensual but does this detract from the story at all? The dialogue and CNC themes often come across intentionally bad as if to critique ideas among the feminist kink communities that seem to weaponise "consent" as a concept. For example,

    A quote like this is obviously poking fun in a ridiculous way about consent in which an intellectual feminist who would probably never present the concept in such a manner, at least not so transparently. But the parody exists with the intention of ridiculing "below surface" elements that seem to appear in the whole proposal of the enthusiastic consent model. That is the first intention, the second intention is to create erotic build up with those who would find notions regarding consensual blackmail and the entire power exchange in this scene erotic.

    Consensual blackmail:

    Micro-control:

    Instruction:

    Manipulative persuasion:

    Ridiculing/dismissing surface level objection:

    Humiliation/encouragement:

    (I should mention that this would be a good point in the story to provide a more in depth physical description of Brian because there isn't one that currently exists. On the other hand, Emily's dialogue covers this below.)


    The main problem I have with this is that it is dialogue focussed the descriptive writing element is severely neglected. The way a literary comparison between Brian becoming subservient to Emily and now Brad at the very end is a nice touch, however. The rest of the dialogue is like something you'd hear in a femdom porn scene. I haven't figured out if that's good or bad yet, especially as I have not read any decent/published femdom erotica before.

    As for the bad writing, can I just write this off because of its comedic effect? Well potentially yes but this would be the lazy solution to this problem and it is usually a better route and more rewarding to opt for harder work with things like this, I find. But if I were to leave it so, something would definitely need to be communicated somewhere that it is intended to be received comedically to be clearer in its intent.
     
  23. Caro-Kann
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    Servitude and Cornish Seas: Part 4, the Party
    Stylish, elegant and modern. Goddess Emily's apartment was clean, decorated and minimalist. The city lights shone over the outdoor swimming pool and through the glass-walled exterior.

    Women in high heels, sparkly dresses, hair pins, tights and jewellery. There were many women at the party, Brian noticed as Goddess Emily led him through the door in her classy scarlet dress and tall, imposing but slender heels. But Brian seemed to be the only man.

    Goddess Emily reminded Brian of how she jerked him by the spiked chastity cage as she led him to the bar where the sweet Lily was already working in the same all black outfit as Brian had been instructed - Lily in her flats, Brian in his smart shoes, Lily in her yoga pants, Brian in his jeans, both of them in t-shirts. But Lily was also wearing her ankle chain,this time with a very small key attached to it, Brian noticed.

    "As you can see, I have both of my submissive bar tenders in black, Lily will teach you hw to make the cocktails. All of the attendees are dominant female friends of mine I invited from that site I showed you, fetworld. You are prohibited from offering any of the femdoms 'Sex On the Beach' unless they ask for it. No eye contact and no staring at feet, ass or boobs, including the gorgeous Lily's though you may look at her directly."

    Turning to Lily, she said, "Brian has consent issues so you are to inform me if he breaks this rule."

    "OK Ems," Lily smiled sweetly, knowing that this was just part of an act Emily had already negotiated with Brian previously. After Emily was gone, she turned to Brian. "Don't mind Emily, how do you like my outfit any way?" she asked, turning around for Brian to get a good view of her sweet bosom.

    "Oh, very good," Brian winced in pain.

    "Sorry to hear about the chastity cage," Lily cajoled. "She had me in a chastity belt, too - actually she did let me out though," she reassured Brian. "It is a lot of fun though, I bet it must feel nice bulging against those spikes. Anyway, we've got cocktails to make."

    And the lovely, patient Lily showed Brian how to make Long Island Ice Tea, Mohito, Hurricane and of course, Sex On the Beach - which Lily suggested they learn how to make with a cheeky smirk. And it was also very cheeky of her how she would occasionally "accidentally" rub her tight tushy against Brian's cage with his spiked chastity cage on.

    Goddess Emily stood in the middle of the room and clapped aggressively all of a sudden. "Brian here, has been eyeing our fragile, much prized female submissive bar tender up and down all evening despite being specifically instructed not to."

    Shocked gasps and angry exclamations around the room.

    "Not to worry, however I have a very unique punishment for him: Brian is going to be giving a very special performance tonight."

    Excited glee and organic pleasure from the femdoms.

    "Brian come over here please. Now, strip naked."

    Brian did so.

    "Oh wow," "how cute", "how slender", "how small" - murmurs from around the room. Goddess Emily instructed Brian to kneel down.

    "I am going to teaching Brian how to correctly worship Lily's feet tonight as it is a very necessary step for any male submissive in learning how to pleasure a woman orally and make her cum. Brian must earn his way to cunnilingus. Is that understood, Brian? Say 'yes Goddess Emily'."

    "Yes, Goddess Emily."

    "Very good, now go fetch a chair for Lily to have a nice comfortable seat, a tub with some warm water, bubble bath and some toe nail polish."

    As Brian washed and nicely fragranced Lily's tender, petite feet, she squirmed and giggled playfully. Goddess Emily asked Lily what colour she would like her toenails painted and she said 'like a rainbow', so Brian painted her toes left to right: black, red, orange, yellow, blue, cyan, green, purple, pink and white.

    Of course it took a while for her nails to dry, so as the party attendees talked to Lily, making her feel special, the centre of attention, Brian was instructed to keep his head down and watch the paint dry on Lily's small, pretty toes. Gropy femdoms walked behind Brian and occasionally caressed his chest or spanked his bum.

    This was all something that had previously been arranged with Brian through text before the party and once again, his safety word was "red traffic light". The same one that lightly pressed her finger against his anus also held his chastity cage, attempting to make him grow against the spikes.

    When her toes dried, Goddess Emily announced that it was time for the finale. First, she had Brian massage, then kiss, then lick, then gently stuck on Lily's toes, with the small key rattling against her ankle chain. As he did all of this, Brian used very light teeth and Lily giggled. "I like what you're doing with your teeth, Brian!" she exclaimed excitedly.

    "What's that? You are using your teeth? Without having expressly sought permission? This is supposed to be a submissive act. But if you are going to push boundaries then I have something special in store, just for you."

    With that, Goddess Emily went to get another chair, a very wide O ring gag and an electric cattle prod. Two of the party attendees she instructed to pin Brian down while a third tied his wrists together behind his back as well as his ankles. Then the same femdom who tied his back, she instructed to twist and squeeze his balls from behind him while a fourth she had repeatedly use the cattle prod on sensitive parts of his body.

    Eventually, Brian yelled in agony with his mouth wide enough that Goddess Emily was able to force the O ring gag into his mouth, keeping it wide open. He also had a set of keys in his hand to drop any time as a method of withdrawing consent.

    "Now, you will suck on my foot and you will not be able to use your teeth, do you understand?"

    Brian nodded his head and complied, taking as much of Goddess Emily's foot in his mouth as he was able to. The femdoms around him murmured excitedly and continued to grope him and made objectifying comments about how fuckable he looked.

    "You will suck on it as I drive my foot ankle deep into your mouth, you will control your gag reflex and then you will do the same for my other foot."

    Brian attempted to say "yes, Goddess Emily" but his mouth was filled the Goddess' foot and she laughed, driving her foot down as deep as possible. But she quickly became annoyed when she realised Brian could neither take her foot ankle deep nor stop himself from gagging.

    However after a few times practising, Brian finally got the hang of it and Goddess Emily was able to just relax, ramming her foot deep down Brian's throat before she repeated the process with her left foot. This time, she slid her hand down her panties and masturbated herself to climax while foot fucking Brian deep down his throat.

    After she orgasmed, she and Lily turned to face one another on their chairs and Brian was instructed to watch very closely on all fours, while a femdom at the party went to retrieve the large 10 inch pink dildo with a tube and fake cup.

    Then, Goddess Emily wore the dildo in a harness and applied lubrication before Lily began masturbating the large pink dildo slowly, going all the way down the shaft then back up with her gorgeous feet and rainbow coloured toes.

    Brian was ordered to lick her feet through the O ring as she did and one of the femdoms had brought a flogger to spank him as he did so. Lily brought herself to orgasm, masturbating under her knickers as Goddess Emily had. But this time, Goddess Emily ejaculated fake cum all over her feet through her large pink dildo simultaneously as Lily climaxed, moaning in a frenzy as the key jingled against her ankle chain.

    "Now lick it up," ordered Goddess Emily and she roughly grabbed Brian by his hair and pushed his face deep into Lily's tender feet until all the love juice was gone. Then she took off his O ring but only for a specific reason:

    "That key is the key to your spiked chastity cage, and oh how your cock is throbbing now. I want you to kiss it and then say 'thank you Princess Lily for letting me worship your pretty feet'."

    Kissing the dangling chastity key, Brian said, "thank you, Princess Lily, for letting me worship your pretty feet".

    "And what about me?"

    "Thank you Goddess Emily."

    "Thank you Goddess Emily ... ?"

    "Uhh ..."

    "Thank you Goddess Emily for giving me the time of my life."

    "Thank you Goddess Emily for giving me the time of my life."

    "And so you should be - grateful."

    And with this, the party was dispersed.
     
  24. Caro-Kann
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    Caro-Kann Long term member

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    Servitude and Cornish Seas: Critique of "Part 4"

    Since before I even began writing Servitude and Cornish Seas, I have read comments from people saying how they like plenty of sexualised content, some saying they like it early on because it is erotica. However, as my experience with the resultant poor plot development and the whole plot hole in Brian and Emily never discussing the technicalities of managing a scene (also the dilemma of being required to put this in a way that does not detract from the storyline or erotic content), giving in to impatience is normally less rewarding than the longer route that simply requires patient diligence.

    The scene of Part 4 opens as usual with a brief description of the location (paragraphs condensed below once again for visual comparison) and before it gets quoted below, I'd like to mention that with the architecture scenes in particular, I really need some more inspiration:

    Obviously, Brian being the only man at the party which is later revealed to be a gathering of women Emily organised from "fetworld" is plot convenience to avoid the problem of involving men in public humiliation scenes as that is not my kink. But like with the whole avoiding of BDSM scene negotiation, this whole idea needs more plausibility which requires scene development.

    I said in my overview that there needs to be more non-sexual scenes between the scenes that have clear sexual development but that should really include even more non-sexual scenes before the point that Emily instructs Brian to take her to his camper van. I mean, that is not even normal behaviour for a woman let alone a superior at work but so carried away by fantasy, I turned the implausible into comedy by way of ridiculousness and slapstick.

    What I missed in a previous critique when discussing how Shakespeare would write in a way that meant he would change moods throughout a work was that the tone-setting in a work would never be set as being received something drastically different to the impermanent mood changes. Yes, he opens "Romeo and Juliet" in comedic fashion but it does not change the tone setting of the rest of the work as a dramatic & tragic romance story.

    Servitude and Cornish seas from the opening sincerely feels like something that is pensive, meaningful, passionate. But by the end of part two it has already descended into something farcical with the main intension of imposing some pornographic elements into the story. What if instead of Emily threatening to fire Brian at the end of part two, the manager asks him to work at a party later instead? What if Emily somehow catches Brian wearing a chastity device? What if she finds something more damning to blackmail him with? What if she reprimands him for hitting on customers or drinking at the party and he pokes fun at her?

    Then what would be the build-up to the camper van scene? Or should the whole idea be scrapped in the first place? Rewrite everything? Where would the negotiating scene dynamics part come into play? Is there a way to keep the sexual tension through this and develop Brian and Emily's relationship through this part instead? Or could it just be implied that such scenes are happening by writing more carefully between key scene developments? I had thought of a scene before where Brian is caught by Emily critiquing feminist ideology in a bar or something and that is when she reprimands him and takes him away for punishment by strap-on for the first time.

    Although it didn't happen, I had thought that would be the perfect setting for a pegging scene, so I can't really imagine it happening before the body worship scene at the camper van. But does that mean I shouldn't include such a scene earlier on in Book One? Can I compensate for extending the story development with more sexual descriptive writing? The thing is that sexual descriptive writing is already hard in the sexual scenes, in the non-sexual scenes it is like drawing blood from a stone.

    Anyway, I don't think a lot more needs to be said about the rest of Part 3 except that the scene where Lily does her "performance" could incorporate the yoga she does in Part 6, or this could come much earlier even because I really feel it captures her character. For example, Brian is invited to her house and she teases him sexually by doing some yoga knowing that he is being kept in chastity. Come to think of it, the next scene where Emily and Brian go to visit Lily comes next and that could definitely involve the erotic foot worship scene that I had put in this part instead:

    But I'd definitely like a better precursor for Emily coming up with the idea of making Brian wear the O ring gag:

    It is the same problem with how Emily "happened" to be carrying a large pink dildo in her handbag for scene 2. The writing is just farcical plot convenience. Here, there is also the ridiculousness of BDSM scene negotiating, same deal as scene 2:

    This stuff is all technically required as I don't want to write anything illegal. But the idea of the female dominant imposing her will - even if it has already been consensually agreed on - itself is erotic.

    This part above is just way too many kink & story elements crammed into a few lines of dialogue. It is plot convenience for the sake of fetishisation and worse because it doesn't explain how Lily came to possess the key and it creates inconsistency in her character development if she is sweet and loving or if she is just apparently sweet but with a sadistic streak. Later in the parts I try to justify her sadism as being something she does in service to Brian because of how much he appears to enjoy sexual frustration. But even then, I leave it ambiguous because I never really decided how I want Lily to really be.
     
  25. Caro-Kann
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    Servitude and Cornish Seas: Part 5, the Bungalow by the Sea

    Cosy, small, unimposing and friendly. Lily's bungalow had a breath taking view of the same beach where Brian had first met Goddess Emily that fateful morning. The gravel crunched as Emily possessively dragged Brian by his forearm through the front garden, past the silver birch and the willow, the garden gnomes and the pretty lilacs.

    "Now, we are going to engage in some foreplay with Princess Lily but I want you to remember that she, as a submissive, is very timid and vulnerable..."

    "Uh ... I don't think ..."

    "You don't think ...? Anyway, at last night's party, you were far too excited. It's true that if you are very lucky, today you may learn how to please a woman through her erogenous zones for the first time, ever. However, I do not want you to be at all imposing to Lily at all. In fact, this time I do not even want you to make eye contact without explicit permission. Eyes to the ground when you meet Princess Lily."

    And so it was when Princess Lily opened the door in her towel, her hair wet and her pretty rainbow coloured toes shining through her flip fops. Of course, Goddess Emily did not mean the thing about Brian having imposed against Princess Lily's boundaries, this was just part of a consensual non-consent play.

    "Hey guys!" Princess Lily exclaimed enthusiastically.

    Initially she was bemused when Brian murmured "hi Princess Lily" looking directly at the ground below him but then chuckling, she quickly realised.

    "Well come in guys, I'll make you some tea or coffee, whatever you like!"

    And being baristas, they all had strong black coffee with a delicious assortment of cookies, jammy dodgers, muffins and bourbon biscuits. But not before Brian was instructed to strip down to nothing but his chastity cage.

    Her house was non-pretentious: messy and disorganised but not unclean anywhere. The rooms were small and she did not have a lot of space, but that just made the atmosphere warm and inviting, much like Princess Lily's personality.

    "So ... Brian's going to be licking pussy today." Emily said suddenly after they had finished tea and paused for a moment. "Tell Princess Lily what you intend to do today."

    "Lick your pussy, Princess Lily," Brian was looking at the floor but found it hard not to glimpse at her pretty rainbow painted toes, her ankle chain with the chastity key and her sleek, smooth calves.

    "Ugh! Disrespectful language there. A woman's lady parts are her vulva. Say it again, Brian."

    "I wish to go down on your lady parts, Princess Lily."

    "Ask permission!"

    "Would it please you for me to go down on your lady parts, Princess Lily?"

    "Stop looking at her fucking feet. Make eye contact, be bold."

    "Would it please you for me to go down on your lady parts, Princess Lily?"

    "Of course Brian, how could I refuse?" Lily cajoled.

    "But you have to go down on me first, because I am the dominant."

    "Yes Goddess Emily," Brian turned to face his mistress.

    "Eyes down, that's disrespectful. Anyway, you still have to worship my feet first. Just because you did it twice yesterday does not mean you get to taste my sweet nectar without the appropriate foreplay. Now get down and kiss my feet, both of them."

    Brian did so, kissing her precious red painted toes, and at her direction, progressing to her ankle with kisses or gentle licks, her calves, thighs and that was where she instructed him to stop and do the same for the eager Princess Lily who had been waiting without a care in the world, just happy to watch. And as he did so, Goddess Emily tied his hands behind his back.

    "Now, after your antics last night, you will be restricted to the O ring gag again," and Goddess Emily used her cattle prod again to forcefully pry open Brian's mouth, which he knew he could stop, simply by using the safety word "red traffic light".

    With the O ring gag and keys in his hands as an alternative method of withdrawing consent, Brian was not initially permitted to touch Goddess Emily's vulva, though she had lifted her cream white summer skirt and pulled down her knickers for him to see. Instead, he was instructed to just look at her sweet juicy pussy, his nose just inches away from it.

    "Now just breathe gently on it," and after he had done so for a while, Brian was finally permitted to use his tongue.

    "You may use your tongue now but only around the edges: I do not want a wet, sloppy mess."

    After he had dome this, he was also instructed to draw the alphabet with his tongue, this time across the entire vulva. He did this several times before Goddess Emily grabbed Brian's hair suddenly and unexpectedly, aggressively thrusting her hips into his face.
    "Mmm, yeah, that's it. Get your tongue in there, slut. Deep into my pussy, bitch. Come on!"

    And Emily thrust hard, fast, fucking Brian's tongue before she exploded everywhere, her gorgeous pussy juice ejaculating down the back of Brian's throat. And Goddess Emily had a surprise in store for Princess Lily's turn.

    Princess Lily lifted her towel for Brian to view her sweet pussy from a very close distance as he had done so with Goddess Emily. But this time, Emily grabbed her 10 inch pink dildo and leaned over to place it next to Brian's caged penis.

    "Oh, your penis has not grown any larger then," she teased. "Well keep wearing that thing, surely it will do eventually, then when you have a 10 inch cock, I'll let you fuck me."

    Goddess Emily, never taking off her turquoise t-shirt, attached the large dildo to her strap on harness and, after applying lubrication, she gradually pressed it into Princess Lily's tight pink pussy in front of Brian's face.

    She slid it slowly and gradually, while Princess Lily moaned softly telling Brian that this was what a big cock looked like and that this was how you fuck correctly with a big cock.
    She funked Princess Lily harder and harder and Princess Lily's moans became more ecstatic. Sensing that Princess Lily was on the verge of orgasm, Goddess Emily pulled out the tube and ejaculated fake cum all over her pussy.

    "Time for you to clean up," Goddess Emily smirked and grabbing Brian by the hair, she pushed his mesmerised face deep into Princess Lily's tight, sweet, pink pussy. As Brian licked up the fake cum, Princess Lily squirted directly in his mouth from pure orgasmic excitement. And the O ring meant Brian had no choice but to take it all.

    "What do you say now?" Goddess Emily asked and laughed sadistically as Brian attempted to speak through the O ring.

    "Thank you Princess Lily." he said after Goddess Emily had removed the O ring.

    "Thank you Princess Lily for letting me worship and taste your sweet nectar and thank you Goddess Emily for rocking my world," Goddess Emily corrected.

    "Thank you Princess Lily for letting me worship and taste your sweet nectar and thank you Goddess Emily for rocking my world."

    "Ah very good," praised Goddess Emily. "I've trained you well and it's time for us to finally fuck. Are you excited to lose your virginity."

    Brian was embarassed because he had never told Princess Lily he was still a virgin however he was definitely very excited about the good news.

    "Oh yes, Goddess Emily," he said, trying to disguise his awkward feelings.

    "Very good then. I'll be hosting a pool party tomorrow, that's when you will finally lose the v-card and Princess Lily will be there too I hope you're excited!"

    And with that, Brian left and he was indeed, very excited for the next day. He would also finally have his spiked chastity cage removed and would be able to have a normal erection again.
     
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