Enforced...Who puts on limits?

Tough to say. I definitely want to be pushed on my limits, and I know some people thrive on total submission, but I like knowing we can talk and discuss limits.

Trust is key for us: she trusts I'll communicate with her when something is too much or too far, and I trust she won't push the envelope any further than I can handle

 

I guess you need to discuss your hard and soft limits, so you're both aware.

 

You could always make a list of things that you would like for him to try, then give it to him to say yes, no, or maybe and also let him make a list of his own, once this is done then you can discuss it together.

 

Communication is everything. It is very much his responsibility to take the time to ensure you know just exactly where that 'red line' is - Dominants, no matter how good or how experienced are not mind readers and shouldn't be expected to 'just know'. Everyone is different, every relationship is different and even within a stable relationship things shift over time.

My personal rule is very simple - my word on what I will or will not do is final. It's my body & my mind and every person I've ever been involved with has known from the outset that no meams no. That doesn't mean limits can't be pushed, they can and often are but it does mean that I retain the right (and obligation) to refuse to do anyting that crosses the line.

An example... I am not bisexual. I will not play with men in any capacity at all. If it's suggested I will refuse, respectfully & politely but firmly. Push it and I'll end any scene and there will be no more play of any kind until there's been time to talk.

I'm also quite introverted and dislike public play. I will argue against it but ultimately if it's what my partner wants to do I'll comply becausemit makes Her happy. I still won't like it, but I'll do it because that's my place and because I enjoy pleasing Her.

Where's the line... it's where the desire to please Her is surpassed by the anxiety/fear/dislike/risk associated with the act/task being required of me.

Communicate, communicate, communicate...then communicate some more

S.

 

You both really ought to be aware of each others limits. Soft limits are maybe open for a little testing from time to time. Hard limits I'd say are for leaving alone... and maybe discussing once in a while. If each you make it a regular thing to list and grade your no and want to explore limits then potential awkwardness can be avoided allowing a worthwhile thing to be carried out better.

Veteran couples tend to not have so much to discuss in that respect but that however is no reason not to.

 

There are bdsm checklists that perhaps you have come across? You fill them in independently and then compare to see where your limits are. My Wife and I really need to repeat this process because after two years of developing her control she has definitely broadened her horizons regarding the possibilities of my chastity. Our hard limits basically involve urine and faeces and her hard limit includes no sex with other people. These things are good to know.

 

i have soft limits which are fully able to be pushed, but i also have hard limits, these are set in stone, if i had someone i was devoted to ignore those hard limits and push them i would likely end up resenting that person and, more seriously, would see it as abuse.

Any Dominant that controls a submissive has a responsibility to that individual, they must keep them safe, and that includes the emotional confines that could be destroyed by enforcing things within hard limits.

 

Very good point and there is a very comprehensive list on fetlife and there used to be one on the BDSM forum web site thing I forget the full name... if that still exists

 

Mistress and I certainly discuss each other's limits,kinks, and desires and that part of our FLR is built on mutual respect, but, that being said, She is in total control at all times. She certainly stretches my limits sometimes for my humiliation or embarrassment and Her enjoyment, but She has never required anything dangerous or revolting to me. Ours is just a good FLR.

 

XMariax, you're quite right. As you both travel further into your bdsm journey you will find things change, and something that was a hard limit becomes a soft limit and then, perhaps, even a desire. That is good. That means together you are truly exploring your sexuality. Just keep talking about things.

Good luck

 

[QUOTE="xMariax, post: 254327] to "Communicate" every time you want to play with him it's boring, magic will get lost for sure, and instead of have fun maybe you could end just talking[/QUOTE]

Comminication doesn't need to be lengthy, nor to explicityly happen before every session, especially within a relationship. Most of the time you both already know whats ok and what's off limits but sometimes You may want to push things a little...that is where communication is key. It doesn't need to be lengthy discussion, in fact it doesn't need to be a seperate discussion at all. You can build communication into the scene, it doesn't even have to be verbal if you know him well enough.

The key is making sure he knows you are about to push his limits and give him the chance to refuse... I suspect you'll find that with time less and lless things will be refused

[QUOTE="xMariax, post: 254327]
And finally, if you have to ask there's no "Enforce", so it is just a kind of agreement, that may be a missunderstood of the word conception.[/QUOTE]

In truth, all of this is an agreement. If he really does not want to wear a device, he won't and ultimately You can't force him to. You can make his wearing a device a condition of continuing Your relationship - oddly enough that is how I first got introduced to chastity - but it's still an agreement. There are consequences for breaking it and that's good... it's where the difference between lifestyle and sex game lies in my opinion.

S.

 

I totally agree that the checklist is only good for a short time. Ours is woefully out of date, so much has changed in two years, we desperately need to do an update.

As for communication my Wife puts a limit on when and where we can talk about our chastity/FLR/intimacy topics. She is allowed to start a conversation anytime she likes but I am only allowed on a Saturday and only if it is appropriate. Because of travel, work and illness this has meant we haven't spoken about any of this stuff for almost a month, but she is fine with that. We tend to do our talking when we are out on a walk with our dog, in the countryside. It gives us a neutral space and a chance to be alone in a relaxed atmosphere.

This rule she imposed really has made a difference to our success. It has become part of us and I feel almost uncomfortable if I feel I am breaking the rule at any time.

 

does not sound right!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

@xMariax I would love my Wife to be confident enough that she would really push my limits, but that isn’t her way. My list of hard limits is actually very small but that is in part due to a lack of experience. We have never been to a BDSM club and are unlikely to ever go to one. This is a shame in more than one way, partly because I think if my Wife saw what real people get up to then she would be more confident.

 

that is a great way to go about it.
I have a safe word with my Lady also however I try to never use it (i haven't). From time to time I remind her and sometimes challenge her to get me to use it She once got me contemplating using it during punishment and I was happy that I didn't.

@xMariax totally get what you are asking. the bystanders might not know about the safe word. Here is a similar albeit more exreme story. My guess is that the young slave did have a safe word he would have been able to use. If not it definitely is a dangerous path.

This quote is from another Thread. From Mobico69 - a pretty hot read.

 

This is a very informative and interesting topic. We all have limits what we think they are and what they really are. If my wife would have just looked at what I said my limits were I never would have experienced some of the incredible things she has allowed me to experience. Having a safe word and setting a limit depends on the kind of relationship. Is it someone going to a Professional disciplinarian or a couple that have been married for many years. When punishment and pain is being inflicted it's a very fine line between pushing their limit and going to far but I could see myself Not wanting to say the safe word because I wouldn't want it to Stop.

In my relationship with my wife we use to have a safe word many years ago but I never used it no matter how hard or long she disciplined me. When you Love And Trust the person disciplining you their should be No need for a Safe Word

 

@Mistress Jules and I have a safe word. I have never needed to use so far.
When asked if I wanted to red out I just grinned and said there's plenty more left in the tank.
That earned me a few harder strokes. Mistress Jules enjoys impact play and does not need an excuse.
We have never used impact play as a punishment so far.

I have often wondered if it was a real punishment and not funishment would there be a safe word? Do I reallly want to know the answer to that question?

 

I like your comment about would their be a safe word. The difference between Funishment and Punishment is that during punishment you've done something wrong and You Know It. You feel bad enough ever before the punishment begins so saying stop by using a safe word probably wouldn't be a god idea. In this situation take your punishment and Learn from it.

 

I don't know. I think even in a punishment there must still be scope for calling time. A situation can quickly get out of hand.

 

I don't think I woul need to call time I trust @Mistress Jules completely. She knows what I can take and what would be close to my limit. I enjoy boundries being pushed and expanded.
We seem to be able to read each other. I know when I am pushing my luck and if I don't @Mistress Jules knows how to remind me.