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Don't Expect a Man to Put more “Effort” in to your Relationship than You

Discussion in 'Female led relationships' started by Mascara^Snake, Oct 2, 2017.

  1. Saying someone is wrong is the same as saying their opinion and view point don't matter. Than they can say the same about you. It's not about wrong or right it's more about how different relationships can be. You can't put all men or all women into the same mould everyone is different and deal with Chastity and FLR differently. Just because your opinion is different it doesn't make you right and someone else wrong.
     
    Kodax89 likes this.
  2. “Commitment to what? To my Wife?”
    To treating her the way you consider healthy and ideal. If yes then my comment does not apply to you.

    “The safe space I talked about, where my Wife knew implicitly that she could talk about sex without worrying about me then wanting to have sex was critical.”
    No offense, but that sounds like every time you two talked about these things you then proceeded to initiate something. Why else would she need a safe space to talk about sexuality “without worrying about you then wanting to have sex”? Or is it like the cuddling thing, were even talking about sex made you aroused and sulky?

    Personally, I found that after sex is usually the best time to talk about these things, and there should (ideally) be plenty of other occasions to talk about sexuality without the expectation to hump afterwards.

    That is communication 101, seems weird to me that someone would need a physical restraint to do that.

    “Saturday rule, which basically states the only day she will allow conversations about sex, Chastity, FLR or any other subject to do with intimate relationship issue”
    Sounds restrictive to me, communication should be spontaneous and open, but if you’re ok with that then carry on.

    “But as soon as she would cuddle me I would get aroused. Then she would feel like I wanted to have sex. It got so bad for her that she avoided having cuddles with me as she didn't want to have sex (..)
    Now she gets her cuddles and likes me getting aroused, because she gets to say whether something happens or not.”

    But.. you are still cuddling and getting aroused, and she is still not reciprocating that arousal.
    The only variable here is that you are not sulking afterwards, so she doesn’t feel bad about leaving you aroused. Why couldn’t you just stop being passive aggressive and sulking about not having sex in the first place? You’re coming off as lacking basic self-control.

    Look, no offense, I’m sure every couple achieves their relationship goals in different ways.
    I am NOT here to say which way is better, I’m just stating my opinion that physically restraining someone is not the healthiest way to achieve proper behavior.

    But then again I see the cage a mere sex toy, no different than a butt plug or a ball crusher. If you’re happy giving it deeper meaning, then go be happy.
     
  3. Very well said.
     
  4. @David.2k@David.2k you are being straight foreword and rational...have you ever met a female? Ok I’m just teasing, but you can assure someone that x doesn’t need to lead to y but they may still feel like it does. It’s not that they haven’t been told or reassured or even that the male “sulks” or acts differently. Sometimes they just feel like that is what you desire if they act a certain way. Trying to convince them it doesn’t have to is like telling a female that is selfconscience about the smell of their vagina how much you want to go down on them...they just think differently about it and having a rational discussion about how it doesn’t bother you will not make a difference.

    Sometimes wearing a cage and physically being unable to go further can make a wife more at ease about making out, back rubs, and showing affection, not only because it’s caged but because you want to be denied is what makes her feel comfortable enough to really think that it doesn’t need to go further.

    Obviously not all women have a problem discussing sex, feel guilt or obligation to perform, or think one behavior means they owe another...but some do. A rational debate with them, explaining what they are feeling is wrong and doesn’t make sense will not help.

    Communication 101 refresher course.
     
    Keuschling and Jasmic68 like this.
  5. @David.2k@David.2k

    I did say in my previous response that it was a massive simplification of our situation. I just squeezed 25+ years of a very successful relationship into a few paragraphs to try and throw some light into a situation we are both very happy with but you are fundamentally unwilling or unable to understand. You have come to the debate with unshakeable beliefs about how wrong a chastity device is and though you say each to their own it is obvious you don't actually believe that.

    I answered your first question about the safe space thoroughly. You have cherry picked the section of the answer that suits you and twisted the meaning for your own agenda. The societal conditioning towards talking about sex that my Wife experienced growing up in England in the tail end of the sixties then through the seventies and eighties had everything to do with her issues and she has said categorically it had nothing to do with me. I am not going to belittle my Wife's issues around talking about sex as I have seen them in full, shocking effect. You grew up as a male, you cannot understand what it was like to grow up as a female in the society that surrounded my Wife. It's not just how she feels talking about sex, She still has issues with sport due to the way she was treated by girls on the netball court when she was under fifteen years old. You going to mock her for that? The device helped her, I am not going to question how that came about, it just did.

    Saturday rule. Restrictive? How about providing structure, expectation, interest, time to actually think about what should be talked about rather than just blurring the first thing that pops into my head. By your standards it would have been ok for me to overwhelm her with ideas and information during the headrush that was the start of our chastity experiment and potentially ruin something that has become a cornerstone of our relationship.

    What do you mean she isn't reciprocating that arousal? Are you mad? She purposefully arouses me as often as she can. She just stops short of letting me have an orgasm. This shouldn't come as a surprise, this is chastity Mansion! I thought that you was ok with orgasm denial, just not the tools some of us use to help make it a reality? And as for me lacking self control have you listened to anything I have actually said? The issue was with my Wife, not with me. She stopped having cuddles with me because she was worried that I would want sex. Are you telling me that I am the only guy in existence who had a sulk for a few moments when he realised his boner was unwanted? I didn't say I would sulk for hours, it was literally a little boy response to his favourite toy not being played with.

    Actually, with regards to your statement about me lacking self control, screw you. You don't know me, you don't know anything about me. In fact your statement is utterly ridiculous as I prove day in day out how much self control I have as I make no attempt to beat the easy to defeat chastity device that I wear.

    And I am sorry but you are very much here to say that one style of relationship is better than another. You just contradicted yourself immediately. After stating that you weren't here to say which way was better you point out that it is your opinion that one way was wrong. You used the word unhealthy but that is implicitly used to mean wrong.
     
  6. Very well said. And very much the way my Wife feels.
     
    DGuy91 and L-u-c-y (Partner) like this.
  7. To a man, if a woman is upset or angry, and he sees that everyone is well fed and seems to have access to enough resources….his brain can’t understand her being upset! SHE must be crazy!

    She must be…she’s crying in a situation that I wouldn’t cry in. That’s how men think.
     
    slave_m, jemima and Joan.t like this.
  8. Over 40 years.
     
  9. Just because you say it doesn't mean it's true. You literally said:
    As someone who is not a man, you could not possibly know this. It's only your interpretation. Because you have the luxury and privilege of not having to speak "man".
     
    lockit, David.2k and gyrator53 like this.
  10. Wow, that's some big sexist misandry.
    Again, you have no way to even know this.
    Like I said, you're going to Japan, refusing to learn the language, getting mad at the locals, and when you don't understand, you manufacture what you think they're saying, or simply dismiss them as less intelligent than you.
    Maybe learn the language instead.
    As a man, I have seen some gut-wrenching pain from other men. Choosing to turn a blind eye to it says more about you than about them, considering 80% of suicides are men. They're in pain, and you're just not interested in listening to, or rather, hearing them.
     
  11. When I see my Wife is upset and I cannot work out why my first and almost only thought is 'what did I do?' Sometimes it is obvious, sometimes it is completely unknowable. 99 times out of a 100 if there is no obvious reason why she is upset it is because I have done something.

    Recently she got very upset with me because I was walking our dog on a long retractable lead. I knew something was wrong from the way she wouldn't talk to me with anything other than monosyllabic answers. It turned out that she has told me before she doesn't like that type of lead. Sixteen years ago.
     
  12. Sorry but I have to Dis agree with you. We understand more than your giving us credit for. If a man sees his wife crying or upset he gets a feeling that he was failed to give her what she needs and it very upsetting to us. Especially when we can't fix the problem.

    Look at the bright side You are getting a lot of interesting comments on this Thread
     
  13. somestimes Ladies are sad and fed up and cry and i does as well. if a man loves them they shud be nice and try and make them happy again i think.
     
    Mascara^Snake likes this.
  14. "All men are like this and they do that and this is what they all think." Yet cry foul when someone makes a sweeping comment about women. Nonsense.
     
    Mascara^Snake likes this.
  15. :) very good Paulie, you spotted the deliberate mistake
     
  16. Have you ever noticed that very masculine men rarely feel the need to ‘call up’ their male friends to talk?
    Have you ever noticed that men get by without really contacting a lot of their circle of friends?
     
  17. Aaah. I get what you are doing now. :)
     
  18. Part of Mistress Lucy and I's plan to discourage male members from visiting the site. ;-)
     
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    Oh, so that's why Admin hasn't been here lately.
     
  20. Here’s the really interesting thing: for women who don’t have a happy relationship in their life just yet, Many of them read books that involve romance. They watch films that involve romance. They FILL UP their need for relational happiness with romance novels and dramatic films. Or they talk about their relationship or about the single life with their friends.

    And yet….do you see many single men with romance novels?

    I don't think so.
     
    Keuschling likes this.
  21. It is amazing. My kh could watch sweet home Alabama 100 Times. I had a pretty good handle on the whole story line and predictable ending after just minutes of starting...yet people still pay to watch them. I realize it’s not a suspense thriller, but knowing how a movie will turn out after a few minutes of air time would normally mean it’s a bomb...but not in this genre.

    I guess my desire for romance and affection is tied to my actions and not what I wish would happen, or how I want to feel. I can honestly say I’ve never read a romance novel in my life. And silly romance movies that are predictable have only been watched when I was watching with someone and their idea.
     
  22. Again, this is you assuming that "woman" is always correct. It's not. Your "logic" is that if men don't do exactly this, then there's something wrong with them.
    it never occurs to you that they do something else, that suits them better. Because you've never looked or paid attention to the men around you.
    What a privilege you enjoy to look at men, see they're not behaving like women, and come to the conclusion they are incomplete and broken.
    By the same token, I can look at you emotionally dependent on your friends, needing the immature crutch of a romance novel to escape from, rather than deal with your problems, and come to the conclusion that you're incomplete and broken because you don't handle things with any sense of practicality, the way a man would.
    How does that sound?

    P.S. Name one "romance novel" written with men as the primary audience. *cough*troll*cough*
     
    lockit likes this.
  23. it's not an assumption it's a fact.

    Look at the mess the world is in with its religions and wars and sports and politics. All designed by and sustained by men.
    how can you say there is nothing wrong?
     
    Keuschling likes this.
  24. Dear Lord, feminist spotted.
     
  25. I have read sexually explicit romance novels to my Wife. It serves two functions. One is the intimacy that comes from spending time together and the enjoyment she gets from me reading to her. She might be in the bath while I read, she might be lying on her bed, I might be sat at her feet, but however it happens it is one of the things that has really brought us closer together over the last year.

    The other function is it serves as one of the easiest forms of tease and denial ever. She just lies/bathes/sits and lets me tease myself. I get aroused reading sex scenes to her, she gets to watch me get aroused knowing that it is because I am reading to her that the levels of arousal are increased. She then gets to tease me by telling me how wet I have made her, how she gets I would like to do the same things, it is incredible.

    So any male who thinks that romance novels are stupid, find out for yourself what is going on in them. Don't just dismiss them as irrelevant. The ones that are explicit can give you some good ideas. The last time I was unlocked and allowed to make love to my Wife was as a result of reading one of these books to her. She got so worked up she couldn't take it any more and made me go and take my device off, wash, put my penis rings on and spray up with delay spray.

    I am going to have to stop writing now as the memory of the event is getting me dangerously close to a hands free moment...
     
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