I remember the times when I was so young and new to dating in general... When the feeling I'd get from even talking in a more-than-platonic manner with a female was comparable to a little child seeing rain or snow for the first time or two... The newness, the initial excitement, the discovery of emotions and feelings I never knew existed... ...and the heartbreak that was the result of a heart that didn't know how to guard itself and an almost limitless vulnerability and sensitivity that didn't know any better... Fast forward to today, and I can say that I've definitely learned how to handle rejection, disappointment, and basically any nonsense that a girl can throw my way when it comes to the vanilla dating world... Because I have experience in this area, I've learned lessons, I've grown...and yes, I've become a little jaded. But this is not the case when it comes to D/s dynamics and relationships. For some reason, when connecting with women in this way, there is a psychological newness that takes me back to the younger version of myself that was so prone to heartbreak and disappointment. I almost never have intentionally planned face-to-face interactions with Dominant Women, mainly due to the fact that I'm currently abroad and there are language and cultural barriers to navigate. However, I did manage, by a stroke of luck, to connect with an English-speaking Dominant Woman who identified as a Pro-Domme (although Pro-Dommes are usually not my type - saving that for another post), received an American education from a very well-respected university, and with whom I seemed to connect rather easily. Since she lived so close to me, within the first couple of hours of connecting, we went out for drinks. The adrenaline was rushing through my veins. I started feeling like I used to when I first went on dates with girls...what do I say? What do I do? I was so perplexed because my usual confidence was NOT present at this moment. Although things started out shaky, we eventually got a good dynamic flowing... A few good glasses of wine later, she made a comment about not logging on frequently to the website on which we met just hours prior; she told me that when she does, it's to leave it open for a few hours in the evenings for the purpose of gaining potential clients. We met on that website that evening. I put 2 and 2 together... And the fear started rising up and the feelings of vulnerability began to surface. So I asked what I thought the natural and most obvious question was: "Do you only view me as a potential client"? BAM! She lost it. She got angry. She got up to leave. I tried to do damage control and ease the situation. None of what I said was making things any better, and that made me even more overwhelmed. I stood outside in the cold trying to assure her that I asked that question out of a feeling of insecurity and fear, and not out of judgment as if to imply that she was only interested in another client... She left me with the bill, which I was going to get anyway (obviously)...but instead of leaving happy to have connected with someone, I left with the feelings I had been all too familiar with in the past... When I would feel stupid for saying something after the fact, when at the time I thought it made sense... When I would feel like the vulnerability I showed was under-appreciated, if even noticed at all.. When I would have the stomach-dropping feeling of disappointment that comes from believing I have been gravely misunderstood... When I felt like I was a kid all over again...
You asked a very valid question. Her reaction seems extreme so maybe you got lucky and found out early that she was unstable.
I think it was a valid question LOGICALLY speaking If I think really hard about it, it might not be the most valid question EMOTIONALLY speaking, and here's why... Me asking that question could have implied that I viewed her as one-dimensional (I.e. only interested in clients and $$$). But of course that's not the case! Questions are questions, they aren't statements of fact. That's why I asked. And even if a question seems to imply and underlying assumption, the person to whom the question is asked should not make assumptions about the questioner's intentions...and certainly not behave in such a drastic way on the basis of those assumptions.
In any type of relationship, you have to have a degree of trust and ability to communicate. If she viewed you as a client, then that needs to be established upfront. If you are more than a client, it’s reasonable to ask considering what she just told you. There are some nutty people out there and it’s usually best to cut your losses as soon as you figure out that they are nutty. Unfortunately, men will put up with a lot of insanity for a beautiful woman and the crazy ones are usually the best in bed but at some point it’s just too much to deal with. You may have got lucky tonight by avoiding a disaster.
I'm really not sure actually. It might have been an initial meeting where the goal was to buy her drinks and where she intended to throw out a feeler one way or the other.
If it was a date she would have been offended that you asked her if she saw you as a client, and if it was a business meeting she would have been offended that you thought it was a date. Either way it was an odd thing to ask. Maybe you should have got this clear before you met.
I have no experience in meeting someone online about being dominant, but some of the lingo can be confusing and vague. Client to me means customer, but to her it could be the term she uses for people she meets online before getting to know them. As in applicant. You would have to get to the nitty gritty at some point to find out what exactly she wanted from this relationship. Be it money, gifts, adoration, favors, amusement, friendship...I don’t know how you could not get some of that squared away before continuing to see this person. You surely could have worded it better, and maybe that was enough to tell her that you weren’t what she was looking for. Intent and expectations are not rude conversation when meeting someone from a bdsm site. I understand your heightened senses and anxiety of meeting someone that may know you in an intimate way few normal dates ever do, but really it is still an agreement. That doesn’t mean you can’t be polite and respectful, but in any agreement, terms and expectations must be discussed. When going on a date normally, you do that. It’s a series of questions and observations that explain what they are all about and what they want. If you are a stout republican and Democrats are a deal breaker...you probably don’t lead off with are you a republican or a liberal tree hugger. You ask questions that are geared a certain way that she can answer and you don’t look bad asking. Like I usually vote republican, but I sure had a hard time deciding this year, what did you think? Etc. I wouldn’t take it too hard, your question was legitimate, it may have come across harsh though.
I think possibly some inexperience of the world of pro Dommes may have had a hand in this. The pro Dommes I know will pretty much never meet up with a potential client in a social situation at first. If someone is a potential client they are invited to the working premises, to keep social and professional separate. If that is not possible then they may meet at a cafe or bar but it is still very much not what you would call a relaxed meeting. It is a way to discuss the desires and expectations of the potential client and the expectations of the pro Domme. Don't get me wrong, I can see why you asked. I think she maybe thought you realised that having a few drinks and a laugh meant it was a personal meeting. Therefore she thought it was ok to discuss the way her world works, not realising that you didn't know quite as much as she thought. This is only my thoughts, I could be wrong as obviously not all pro Dommes work the same way.
Shrug it off and move on then read something like,"Women are from Venus and men are from Mars" or how to read minds. There is almost no possible intelligent way to read into ANY given situation anymore in this day and age what will "trigger" one or the other species into an immediate, reactive, negative and reflexive response. Take your punch, smile that you survived and walk away proud.
It is quite a difficult situation meeting up with a domme without a large amount of prior discussion. From my perspective on your situation I would say that my guess would be she did not see you as a potential client. The fact that no mention was made of money prior to the meeting and that you met after such a short discussion would indicate that it was more of a friendly first meeting. I can imagine most pro dommes would make sure that anyone they met with that they wanted to make a client would be informed of things like rates and that nothing would come for free before any potential meeting to ensure that this kind of misinterpretation did not happen.