Depressed and hopeless

Discussion in 'Off topic discussions' started by Uaral, Feb 4, 2022.

  1. Uaral
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    Uaral Active member

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    So I've had chronic depression now for about 6-7 years.
    It took me about 2-3 years to even realize that my daily condition wasn't normal.
    See, my depression pretty much started after I left school. So I just assumed, that being "grown up" and having to go to work means, that everything sucks and you feel like shit and you would rather die.
    I thought that's normal.

    I dampened my negative emotions with several addictions, but didn't noticed it at first.
    Obviously that wasn't very good and when I did notice it, it was quite hard to stop the addictions.

    Well I accepted, that I suffer from depression, but that was it.
    Until I planned my suicide about two years ago. I was about two weeks away from committing to it, when I opened up to a friend about it.

    Then started a search for therapy. Took about four months until a got a therapist. One year of therapy.
    The first few months helped, but after that everything just was pretty much the same as before (but without the intense need to kill myself at least).

    So the therapy stopped after a year and I still felt like shit and still wanted to die, but didn't felt like doing it myself anymore.

    Four months forward I got a new job, because I thought that would help.
    The new job was even worse than the old one.
    I fell into a deep hole and it was terrible. After about 1 1/2 months I went on sick leave. I am still on sick leave since then (20 weeks so far).
    I went into a day clinic and I am still a patient there (since 13 weeks ago?).
    I was very sceptical and the first few weeks I had massive troubles there. But I really opened up, got to know very nice people and made progress. Quite good progress actually.

    But... I still don't care for life. I still would prefer death. I just don't see a reason to live. To continue the suffering.
    I do have nice moments, nice days. But in comparison to all the bullshit it's just not enough.

    I got fired from my job (which I would have left anyway, so that's not a problem), but I have no idea, what I'm gonna do in the future. I need to make a complette change regarding work. But I have NO clue, what I could endure.
    I feel anxiety and panic just thinking about going back to work...


    So that's pretty much it for now.
    I guess I just needed to write this down and rant a little bit.
     
  2. Fisherman
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    Fisherman Active member

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    I think you need to find another job and give it your all. I taught my son that every day he should make his employer glad they hired him. He has. Funny thing is that people want to be around someone who is a pleasure to work with.

    Be someone others can count on. Good things will follow.

    Best wishes to you.
     
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  3. Uaral
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    Uaral Active member

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    I definitely need to find another job.
    Unfortunately I have no idea, where to start, what excites me, what interests me or at least what I can endure.
    In my last job my employer was very happy with me. I did a good job and everything was fine.
    I just feel like the whole "working world" is too much for me.
    No matter, what I'm gonna do.
    I just feel completely overwhelmed...

    But yes, you are right obviously.
    Thank you for your advice.
     
  4. L-u-c-y
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    Staff Member Owner of Chastity Mansion Administrator Verified Female

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    How about figuring out what sort of work you enjoy, then get a loan to set up a small business you enjoy, and you can be your own boss.
     
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  5. Uaral
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    Uaral Active member

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    That's what I'm planning to do.
    Get a feeling for what I might like to do.
    I already have appoinments for consultation and I hope, that I will find something for myself.

    Right now though, I still need to develop even further. I mean, I don't have to work right now and still feel very bad and have a lot of problems. So work isn't the only issue.

    I don't know if I could handle the stress to set up my own business...
    Maybe in a distant furture I will be ready.

    People will tell me, that I'm a lazy person, because I don't (wanna) work.
    I don't really care what people think about me, but to a certain degree it still affects me.
    I am not too lazy. I just can't (right now). But those people don't understand.
    They don't know how stressful it is, to constantly fight against your inner demons and constantly telling yourself to not kill yourself...
     
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  6. Neith
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    Neith Active member

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    Get on meds. If it doesn't even you out, request different ones until you find what works.

    If you constantly feel like killing yourself, you need to get help and maybe in-house treatment is what you need. I'd worry less about a job and the future and work on healing yourself first.

    Hope that makes sense.
     
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  7. Uaral
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    Uaral Active member

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    I am on the second meds atm. But so far I don't feel anything, except that I can't cum and have very low libido.
    I don't feel like killing myself constantly. Yesterday I was in a very bad mood and exaggerated a bit. I do have suicidal thoughts, but they got better the last 1-2 years. Maybe every other week for 2 days on average. And not THAT intense, just the thought "why not?".

    I am in treatment right now. About eight hours daily and I do give my best to get better.
    You are of course right about first healing myself.
    Unfortunately the topic "work" is a constant pain in my head. When I think about the fact, that I have to work for another 40 years, I feel so very hopeless and anxious.
    I just really can't imagine, how I'm supposed to manage that.
     
  8. Isopropylforyou
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    Isopropylforyou Long term member

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    First things first.

    Where are your feelings of depression coming from?

    What happened that started this downward spiral? If you can pinpoint that, you can begin to examine what happened at that moment.

    But the good news is, you realize you have a problem. That means you are half way there. You are no longer lost. You realize where you are. Now you need to work on getting out of where you are mentally.

    I too suffer from Depression. It is a fight I wage daily.

    You are not alone.

    And here in this house, you never will be.

    Iso.
     
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  9. Uaral
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    Uaral Active member

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    Hard to really tell, where my depression comes from (still working on that).
    Probably partly from my childhood. My father didn't have any interest in his kids and I felt that.
    My mother was busy with my brother (problems in school).
    I think the only person, who showed affection towards me, was my grandma (not sure though).
    Also many adults didn't like me, because I was very upfront with my thoughts.

    So today I'm unsure if I am able to feel love/affection towards other people. Because I certainly don't feel love for my family.

    Also theres problems in social interaction. And I don't seem to be able developing interest in stuff (which is probably due to the depression for the most part). These two obviously are a problem regarding work...

    It just is really hard getting out of there and often it seems rather pointless to even keep trying. You know what I mean?
    Like, I've worked A LOT on my problems the last two years and a lot of things changed and did get better.
    But it didn't really change anything. So it's hard staying motivated.

    Anyways, thank you for the words :)
     
  10. Isopropylforyou
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    Isopropylforyou Long term member

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    So to me, the problem is the lack of intimacy from both your Mother and Father while you were developing emotionally.

    Are you feeling a sense of loss from that?

    Depression is something that we fight all the time.

    Are their times when you do not feel Depressed? What are you doing during those times?

    Iso.
     
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  11. Uaral
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    Uaral Active member

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    Lack of intimacy, correct. I was rejected by most people and also by my brother (who wants to do something with their younger sibling at that age?)
    Also I never got hugged or cuddled (because I didn't like it. I was very sensitive).

    I'm not really feeling a sense of loss, as I never had any of these things. But I am definitely yearning for what I imagine to be an emotionally and physically relationship.

    Barely. I doo pretty much always feel depressed. There are just worse and better days.
    On the better days I try to do nice things, which feel good and keep my mood.
     
  12. Anonoman
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    Anonoman Long term member

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    I can’t offer any real advice I’m afraid, I truly wish I could… just a little thing that works for me sometimes when I’m feeling overwhelmed: I try and do some very small things that I know is good even if I know I wouldn’t appreciate it at the time. Just a mindless task like tidying up. It makes those moments passed faster and when I am feeling good I appreciate the effort I did put in.
    It’s great that you’re getting help, just keep talking to people :)
     
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  13. Uaral
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    Uaral Active member

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    Thanks for the advice. I do try doing small things like that, to distract myself.
    Although it's REALLY hard on bad days to do anything.

    Funnily enough I feel less like talking to people since I've stopped taking my antidepressivs :D
     
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  14. Jessica Alexander
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    Jessica Alexander Trans woman not a mistress or Dom

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    I feel for you. I'd first rule out any physical issues, mainly hormones. Many men are affected by low testosterone but most doctors don't recognize it as being low unless it's under 400ng/dl. Many others get stuck in meaninglessness and nihilism which causes the spirit to wither. I highly recommend looking up Jordan Peterson on youtube and listen to his lectures. You don't have to agree with everything he says but the man is brilliant. I don't share his religious beliefs but it's a small part of what he shares and he is humble about religion when he speaks about it and doesn't try to tell you he has it all figured out.

    We have to find meaning in life or it's meaningless. Life is suffering and without meaning it's hell. Feel free to message me if you need someone to chat with. So tell us more about yourself!
     
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  15. Consumed
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    Consumed Right where I belong.

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    From someone who has attempted suicide twice and lived though it all throughout my teen years, I can say that the 3 things that got me though it all was 1) the RIGHT medication. A chemical imbalance in the brain happens and can't be fixed without drugs 2) help from a psychiatrist/psychologist. Never keep things bottled up but make sure your advice comes from a professional 3) the right environment that is supportive. Whether that's friends or family or coworkers. 20 years later I beat it. You can too. As @Neith said, don't worry about a job, but it's definitely ok to dream about your own business. Passion can breed happiness. Hang in there.
     
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  16. Uaral
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    Uaral Active member

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    Physical issues have been ruled out (at least the more obvious ones) lately.
    I am definitely "stuck" in meaningless/nihilism.
    I don't see any meaning in all of this and life has no purpose in my opinion (unless you give it a purpose of your own). BUT I wouldn't have any problem with that, if I wasn't forced to do things I don't wanna do.

    If I had enough money to never having to work again, then I'd have no problem at all with the meaninglessness of life. I would enjoy nature, go for walks, ride my bicycle, maybe plant some food and so on.
    But being forced to work the whole week, just so I can pay rent and buy food - for what? That's what fucks me up.
    I've watched some videos by Jordan Peterson and he does have some good stuff. Thanks for the advice anyway and thanks for the offer to message you :)
     
  17. Uaral
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    Uaral Active member

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    1) I've tried two different medications so far and apart from (rather) unpleasant side effects I didn't notice anything. Ok medication number 2 made me a little bit more social, but that's it.
    I know, that there might be medication out there, which helps me. But to be honest I really don't have the energy right now to try the next one (I've just stopped the other one about 3 weeks ago). Especially since the withdrawal from the last medication was VERY unpleasant. Felt like drug withdrawal...
    Maybe I will try another one again, but I can't right now.

    2) I definitely wanna keep taking help from a psychologist/psychiatrist. After the last few months of therapy I did notice progress and this gave me courage to continue with therapy after the current one.

    3) I actually have a good environment, but I still struggle with being open about my depression and telling the people around me how I feel. That's something I have to learn.

    "Passion can breed happiness" unfortunately it's been a long time since I felt passionate about something. I hope that my passion returns sometime in the near future.

    Thank you for your advice. Appreciate it :)
     
  18. Jessica Alexander
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    Jessica Alexander Trans woman not a mistress or Dom

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    I encourage you to did deeper into the hormones to make sure. What are your T levels? I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm pushing it but EVERY symptom you have mentioned is a symptom of unbalanced hormones. Maybe I'm 100% wrong but I just hate to see someone suffer from something that can be fixed and it's such a common problem. Your doctor may consider normal to be anywhere between 200 and 1,200 ng/dL but our bodies are individual and not average. What do you have to lose at this point? Find a T clinic and see what the world looks like on the high/normal side. This is one of my favorite JP lectures:
     
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  19. Chaz69
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    Chaz69 Long term member

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  20. Uaral
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    Uaral Active member

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    Thank you for your concern and advice.
    I'll ask my doctor if he specifically checked my testosterone level ;)
     
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  21. Guest 6019
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    Guest 6019 Long term member

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    I won't repeat other advice. Just offering empathy and support. You have your whole life ahead of you, things will get better.
     
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  22. Feliks
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    Feliks Member

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    I was on a similar trip long ago and took it too far. Not supposed to be here right now. If you ever want to chat in private here for ya, if not, totally understand. I'm not a good talker anyway.

    If you do want to talk, I check in periodically throughout the day so if I don't get back to you immediately I'm not ignoring.

    -Feliks
     
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  23. billzboats
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    billzboats 63rd birthday

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    I went through a severe bout of depression a few years ago. I could not explain where it came from and knew what I was depressed about was not real but could not stop thinking that it was real 24/7. Fortunately I worked with a young man who listened to me and convinced me that my life was worth living. I buried myself in my work as a 60 year old groundskeeper and started a side business of mowing yards. Now 64 and am much better.
     
  24. Andy88
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    Andy88 Long term member

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    Im emphatic to you.. ive down and out 12years ago.. when i was inexperienced and just started my own business.. and a huge misfortune happened.. i was prepared to leave and everything else to my wife.. and mother who are dependent on me.. but then i always remember if my childhood friend whom i still make regular meet-ups could make it.. my problems dont seem too pervasive..
    My childhood friend was an A-star student until he contracted meningitis at the age of 16.. he slipped into coma for 3 weeks.. woke up one day but forgot everything else.. names, families, background.. still his parents thought it was a miracle from god and his church paraded him as a testimony of great faith… however he slipped two grade years down and didnt enter college.. his then gf dumped him.. so was the next one too.. he became a very slow learner and mostly forgetful..he forgets what he has forgotten..memory and time lapse… his psychiatrist says.. he is on mental medication ie tegritol and periferidol…hope i get it right… he can never remember what he took for breakfast … he was pushed around and hopped from job to job.. his own brother who had a business fired him.. he was easily preyed on by salesmen peddling anything from investment schemes to unworkable smartphones.. he had numerous car accidents due to his lack of attention..he stays alone.. his mother moved out 200km away after he pointed a knife at her in the heat of a confrontation… he gave up on dying… his outlook in life is that fate is playing him out and god made his life long enough to suffer alone..

    Im meeting him for breakfast this saturday.. would like to hear from him how he got a new job as a security guard just as soon as being fired from a mall job because of covid closure… he made it.. yet again. So can i. So can we.
     
  25. DC-Chaste
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    You need meds.

    Your GP can hook you up with SSRIs.

    Psychiatrist can hook you up with dopamine reuptake inhibitors like bupropion or possibly dopamine agonists like Dexamphetamine if they find it appropriate.
     
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