Deep breath. And... relax. Here goes

The usual apology. I just read the whole of this post back to myself. I’ve done it again – babbling on. Please forgive. As always, I'm so grateful for suggestions.

We’ve now had the Very Big Talk about last weekend. I thought it would be just about the strap-on scenario, but it turned into a discussion about our whole chastity project.

Last weekend, I had said that I would want to hear his views in a few days’ time and had even said that I might invite Laura (my domme-ish friend) to listen in. After my usual phase of worrying too much, I decided that instead I’d suggest we just the two of us go for a walk in the park and have a proper talk. I felt relieved about that decision, and I know he was too – especially when I said I wanted to unlock him for our stroll. I did joke about asking him to promise not to fiddle with himself if he went for a pee behind a tree. Big kiss before we went out (I was flattered, as I always am, that he responded so obviously to that) and then off we went with our beers and biscuits, both feeling a bit nervous.

As usual, I had my starting script and I was ready with questions I wanted to prompt him with, but as usual, he just cut straight to the chase and asked me how I was feeling about our ‘project’. I told him the truth – that although it hasn’t affected my love for him in any way, it has changed the physical side of our relationship. I said that I’d felt physically satisfied before, but this phase of our relationship has made me feel sexually alive in a way I’ve never experienced up to now. I said that I find it fun and exciting, and the feeling of control and power is something I’ve never experienced before. I said I find the responsibility a bit daunting, and I said (as I’ve said to him before) that I sometimes worry whether he’s feeling squirmy-fun-anxious, which would be great, or upset-annoyed-anxious, which neither of us wants. I said that I find it a big turn on when he’s ‘fucking desperate’ and I have control over that, and I find it very erotic knowing that the only way he can express himself sexually is with me. I said I know that sounds selfish but it’s something to do with having this powerful animal giving me unconditional love – like having a big cuddly but slightly scary dog.

I expected him to ask me about how I felt about what happened at the weekend. Instead, he dived into what I thought was an odd detail. He wanted to know why I had asked him to shave himself across a much larger area than strictly necessary to avoid chafing underneath the ring. Remember, he was always worried about the whole feminisation thing. I said that he had needed to pay a forfeit and that I had tried to think of something that he would find a bit difficult - I knew that ‘feminisation’ was something he’s sensitive about, so I thought that would be a suitable punishment. He said he would find it difficult if it were permanent and I said there was no reason it should be – but I said it sounded as though the threat of it might be a good encouragement for him not to stray. It felt strange saying that – almost as matter-of-fact as a teacher discussing a student’s grades but fun and naughty as well. I told him I understood how he felt but that I quite like the look and feel of him smooth – at least from time to time.

I asked him how he’d felt during our play at the weekend, and of course he said that he’d be more comfortable if I told him first! He always seems to take the lead in our serious conversations – but I don’t mind.

So, deep breath, I told him as truthfully as I could, just how I felt. I said that although I was enjoying this project of ours, and I repeated that I’d felt more alive sexually than I ever remembered, I also said that, maybe because of that excitement, I have felt the frustration of missing out on ‘straightforward’ sex, which is less frequent now than it was before. (I know some people call it PIV, but that sounds too mechanical). I said that I absolutely love the way he makes my body feel alive and I certainly come more often than I did previously. I have learned how to enjoy what he has learned to do so skilfully with his mouth and hands. But I told him I sometimes feel a bit desperate to be filled. With him having to do a penance of at least a month, I’d felt that I was punishing myself as well, but ever since I’d asked him to buy the harness and contraption, I had been fantasising about deciding on the moment.

I told him that I was so pleased he had wanted to take the lead on using it. Allowing him to blindfold me and take control of me, (the moment when he put his hand so firmly on my shoulder made me melt!) then teasing me repeatedly and for so long, was intensely erotic for me. I said I loved that he’d planned it so carefully, especially that he warmed the contraption in the sink! I said that if he hadn’t blindfolded me, I would probably have thought it all a bit too weird and wouldn’t have been able to forget myself. And, I said that being splayed and entered, knowing that it was him in control, and yet with me all the while having the ultimate control over him (by having him locked and unable even to be hard) was one of the most arousing things I’ve ever done.

Then, he said, very quietly, “It was a good bit thicker than what you’re used to”. I knew I had to be careful what I said. I told him that it had felt fabulous last weekend not just because he’d made me desperate but because I was doing this weird and wonderful thing with him. I told him that finding myself in such a submissive position and completely filled was a breathtaking surprise. Yes, it’s true, being stretched a little was a nice change too and it was almost scary but actually not. But the main thing that made it special was knowing it was him. That, and knowing that even though on one level I was being submissive, actually I was in complete control of the most intimate part of him. I said that the way he had responded to me when I asked him to slow down was overwhelming for me and I came almost immediately. I asked him why he chose the size he did. He said that he’d thought I might prefer something a little different, and the model he chose had had good reviews!! I thanked him for doing proper research.

I also said that I did indeed enjoy the sensation of him taking me with the strap-on, but only as an occasional thing and that it was definitely no substitute for the real thing, with him. I reassured him that even though what we had done felt incredibly intense, I much, much prefer, having him hard inside me. I said I especially like it when I make him come quickly and then we can make love properly an hour or two later when he’s regained some control.

He said that he would be very upset if the strap-on became the norm. He told me that for him it had been exciting because he’d seen how much I had enjoyed it, but it had been ‘very edgy’, as he put it. I asked him why and he said that it was very humiliating and broke the association in his mind between getting hard and having penetrative sex and enjoying the sensation. He used the word ‘mindfuck’ several times. He also told me that while I was all blissed out, he was feeling upset that this might become my expectation of what sex would be like from now on (‘like in those captions’). He also said that after I’d come, he had felt more intensely frustrated and desperate for release than he could ever remember. I looked him in the eye and said, “The trouble is, I love it when you’re desperate, and so do you, really”. But I went on to say I don’t want him to be really upset and I certainly don’t want this to replace ‘proper sex’ but just to be an occasional extra. So, I suggested that we only use the strap-on once in a while, for example, if he’s been very naughty indeed. He asked me if I was sure I’d be ok with that, and I readily agreed.

However, I did also say that I’d like us to experiment with other ways of me being filled by him without him being able to come, such as with numbing cream. I decided not to mention the extender option as he’s so sensitive about size. He said he was fine with experimenting with the cream, as long as it doesn’t become a routine expectation. To myself, I agreed with him, but out loud, I just said “You’ll have to trust me, won’t you?!”

I asked him what he thought were the most surprisingly upsetting or squirmy or arousing things that we’d done recently. I don’t really know what I was expecting him to say but he’d obviously thought about this a lot and was quite analytical about it.

He said there were two different physical things I was controlling – his ability to come, and his ability to have erections. He said once again that the latter was much more difficult for him because it was so tied up with his maleness. (Filed away for future reference!). He said that the nature of my control also had two possibilities – either making him respond i(e come or get hard) faster, or preventing him from responding.

He said that making him go hard was pathetically easy – all I have to do is release him from his cage and whisper some naughty things or stroke him a little and hey presto! Stopping him getting hard – well that was what the chastity cage is for, and it obviously works. He said that feeling himself becoming aroused but unable to get erect was weirdly exciting. I asked him to try to explain why, but he said he couldn’t. I pressed him and he said it was probably about giving up control to me. I think I want to understand that better.

Then he said something that really made me think. He said there was another way of controlling his erections, which hadn’t needed the cage. He said there have been several times when I’ve asked him to stand in front of me and I’ve watched him and just quietly ‘studied him’ (as he put it) until he went soft. Sometimes this has been in order that we could get the cage back on. He said there have been two occasions when I was watching him and he knew that I wanted and expected him to go soft, and he said he felt his body responding to my wish. (I just said ‘wow’ at this point. That really is food for thought.) He said it was exciting, which would have normally made him go hard, but the knowledge that I would enjoy him losing his erection and expecting that result, made him go soft much faster. He said he’d thought about that a lot and found it very erotic but humiliating too. He called it ‘chastity without the cage’. I told him that this was something I had sometimes fantasised about, right at the outset of our project.

He said that giving me control over when he can get hard had been the most difficult thing about the whole project, but he repeated that it was exciting for him (phew!) Then, he said that control over when he comes is more straightforward but also exciting for him. He said that when he’s desperate and I offer him a quick, ‘desensitising’ orgasm, one of the most special things for him is when I instruct him to come. I first did that knowing he’d be super-sensitive and not wanting him to feel anxious about coming so quickly. So, I started saying, ‘come for me now’ when I knew he was on the verge anyway, so he could just enjoy it knowing it’s what I wanted and expected, and not feel that he was unable to ‘perform’ adequately. But I’ve now found that when he’s just reasonably excited, but nowhere near coming, my words alone (or sometimes with a little pinch to his nipples) can push him quickly over the edge, and I don’t think he can control it. I absolutely love this. I told him that I wish I could describe the feeling of erotic power I have when it happens. We agreed that it was great that this was something that really excited both of us.

And then of course there are ways to prevent him coming altogether, while still allowing him to be hard. He said he wouldn’t mind experimenting with the numbing cream for that, even though it hadn’t worked out previously. But he also suggested allowing him to be hard inside me (but only in his relatively desensitised state) and requiring him to control himself, and well, if he lost control when he wasn’t meant to, then maybe there were various sanctions I could deploy. (I like that he’s suggesting that he might need guidance!) I said I’d be happy to give that a go. (Although I did think to myself that knowing he would be having difficulty holding back and that he might need to withdraw at any moment, would probably make it difficult for me to fully lose myself.)

He said there had been several other things that had been very erotic for him. He mentioned the excitement of being led on a cord. I asked which made him squirm more - when it was attached to the cage, or when he was unlocked, and it was attached to a little leather strap thing just around his balls. He said the latter, because of the feeling of vulnerability, the fact that his state of arousal was on display, and the knowledge that a brisk tug would really hurt! I filed all that away too.

He mentioned the Aneros and how he had felt when I made him come that way – humiliated and thrilled at the same time. Then he told me that he had tried using it to make himself come on his own. Oh gosh! I hadn’t really thought about that! Do we need more rules about that? Do I control when he comes, or just that that part of him, which we now ‘co-own'? I asked if he’d been successful and he said that he hadn’t got anywhere near being able to come on his own, but had just ‘dribbled a bit’. I asked him if it had been enjoyable and satisfying. He said, “Not really”. I said, “Good”. And I suggested I might try to make him dribble a bit more some time, ‘just so things don’t build up too much’. More giggles (from me).

I asked if there was anything else he wanted to tell me (sweet grin!). He said that he’d always found me attractive etc (blush, blush) but had recently begun to be more conscious of the shape of my body. I asked him what he meant, and he said everything had become more sexually ‘charged’ but that he noticed that he was more conscious of the way I move. I said I’d noticed that he looks at me a bit more than he used to, and I said, “That’s because you’re a bit more desperate, now”. And then, out of the blue, he said another thing that I hadn’t seen coming. He said he’d become more and more easily aroused by my breasts! He said that he wasn’t sure why, but he thought that it might be a combination of the way I almost always played with his nipples when he was allowed to come, and the fact that I wear the key (he engineered it to look quite subtle) on a necklace and it dangles there. I make a point of touching it from time to time (thanks for all the reminders, folks!). He said his fantasies include my breasts more than they used to and that it reminded him of being back at school. Who’d have thought it! I mentioned that since I had started washing it and shaving under the ring and doing the frequent inspections, I really was beginning to think of it as ‘ours’ rather than his and I had become much more conscious (and appreciative!) of its shape and how it feels and responds.

Then he asked me if he thought that other than the his/ours thing, whether our ‘project’ was changing me in any way I said again that the main thing was that it had definitely changed me sexually – that this part of me, and of our relationship, is something that’s much more frequently on my mind than it was before. I said that I come more frequently and more easily than I used to. I said that I was happier, really, because the side of me that wants a feeling of control and power now has some outlet, where it didn’t before. He said, as he has said before, that the part of him that so wants not to have to take the lead, now has a satisfying outlet too!

I said I occasionally feel frustrated, especially when he’s away, and he asked whether I play with myself. I said that I’d almost completely stopped doing that. At first it had been mainly because it just didn’t seem fair if I did that and he couldn’t. But then I kind of got used to waiting and enjoying the frustration – giving me the feeling that we’re in this together. (He of course picked up on me having said ‘almost completely stopped’ and said there was a big difference in the level of choice each of us has. I just tried to smile sweetly.) I said that I felt relieved that the chastity project doesn’t seem to have changed the way we are in the rest of our lives, and he agreed. That had been one of our biggest worries and we seem to be doing ok with that.

I asked him if anything really worried him. He said he wouldn’t be able to cope with anything that irreversibly changed him physically, or changed him or me mentally so we wouldn’t want, or be able to have, ‘proper, ordinary sex together’. He said that for example he didn’t mind the feeling of losing control by being over-sensitive when he’s first unlocked, as long as he knows there’ll be another opportunity for something more satisfying before too long. He said he was enthusiastic about trying new things, and didn’t mind some of the ‘difficult stuff’ being used as a ‘way to keep him on track’ (hooray, hooray!!) but he was worried about anything that might make him generally less able to ‘perform’, or that might make me not want him inside me as much as I used to. I said that this all sounded understandable to me and that I felt the same way. I want to enhance the joy of having him inside me, not undermine it, (although I do want to be able to decide when, and usually, how!) We had a big beery kiss. Relief all round! I felt quite emotional and I’m glad we had said all this to each other.

I asked if there was anything else and he said there was one more thing. He asked me about the measurements I’d been taking and pointed out that I hadn’t shared the last few with him. I nearly laughed out loud - this seemed so frivolous to me compared with all we’d just been discussing, but I realised that it’s important to him. So, I just reassured him that I had just been messing with him a bit, that he hasn’t been shrinking and that I love the way he is. I reminded him that every man I’ve ever known has had some sort of under-confidence about their size. But I added that Laura would be coming to help me take the measurements in the near future (and that I knew he would love and hate that at the same time), so maybe she could also be reassuring. (evil grin)

Then we toddled back home and did our own different things with other friends fr the evening. At one point he texted me and said, "That was good to talk. But I don't think I can last the a month, or whatver it is you have in mind". I just replied, "Poor you.", while thinking that there would be one or two people on here who would be proud of me!

Yet again, I have used the action of writing this post as a kind of therapy. I feel so grateful for the encouragement (and ideas) I’ve had here. Months ago, there were so many things I just couldn’t have asked My Pete. First, because he wouldn’t have known the answers. And second, that by asking him all that I needed to know, I would have killed this project because in order for it to work I have had to convince him that I am able to lead.

I feel clearer now about where we are.

Sal

 

That's true, but perhaps not so many of them shave because they're caged and woman asks them to... Sal

 

Thank you. I have to keep reminding myself of that, and reminding him too. Sal

 

Ah, yes, I understand now. Sal

 

Thanks for your wonderful stream of ideas! I'll definitely take your advice about the numbing cream. You've mentioned before that I should give him options (where neither option is necessarily what he'd have chosen - we call that 'Hobson's Choice, here in England) and I think I need to do that more. It sounds fun too.

On the shaving, I think I want to be a bit careful about size. He's sensitive about it, despite my reassurances. But I will tell him that I like the look of it and find it exciting, which I do. For me, it's not about the size but about the fact he's done it for me. And (I hate to admit this), I quite like it because it looks tidier! Oh, and because it draws my attention to the shape of him.

I like the chance thing. He likes football - I may suggest something based on the scores.
Thank you again! Sal

 

I've been feeling like I may have overdone it. And worrying of course. But then I remind myself of this:

I really ought to write it out, really big and pin it somewhere obvious!

Sal

 

What started out as a fairly usual chastity conversation took an odd turn today.

This morning, I asked him (as if I didn't know!) how long it had been since he last came. He didn't even have to think about it - he immediately said "3 weeks today". I reminded him how bad he'd been, especially that he had initially denied having made himself come in the shower. And that he had played with himself in bed next to me. I said that it would be another week at least. But there's another thing I've been wondering about that episode. When I had asked why he had again played with himself in bed when he knew I didn't like him doing it, I said that I remembered him saying a strange thing. He had said that he did it precisely because he knew I didn't like it. I asked him what he had meant by that. He said he maybe should have said 'partly because', rather than 'precisely'. But I put my hand on his cage and looked at him and tried my sweetest smile, and just said, "Tell me, now, please".

He said that first of all he had been desperate. (I said, "Like you are now! But that doesn't explain why you said 'precisely because...'!") He told me that he thought that partly it felt illicit and dangerous. I asked him if it was partly that, then, what else? I thought that he was going to say something about wanting to exercise some control but what he actually said was quite a surprise. He said that part of him might have wanted to be discovered. I asked him why, even though I thought I knew what he was going to say. Sure enough, he said he found some of my punishments for his misdemeanours very exciting. He said that he dreaded being found out, but also excited and aroused by the uncertainty of what would follow, and my control over that. I think I'd known this - of course I had - but hearing him say it was still a bit shocking.

Then he mentioned that in addition to the things that he had found especially exciting, which he had told me about when we were on our walk the other day, there had been something else. He told me that when I'd discovered his lie and had been annoyed with him about playing with himself, I had asked him to stand in front of me and had given him a 'dressing down' that had made him feel like he was back at school and incredibly nervous. He said he had felt himself go soft, which was bad enough. But then I had stared at him and told him to "Masturbate. Wank for me".

He said that he's never heard me use those words during our play together (it's true, we both hate them!) and he had felt himself trembling and for a short while, unable to get hard. He said he had felt humiliated and confused but at the same time, aroused, even though he was still soft. And then, he said, to make matters worse, the moment he had eventually started to get a little harder, I had stopped him. I asked him what he thought he'd made him excited by all this - was it being observed and controlled? He said that it had probably been those, but also that he could tell that I'd been excited too. I didn't say it, but I know there's the humiliation too, that he finds exciting and so do I, I admit.

I decided this was the time to give him a choice (thank you @Jessica Alexander for the advice!) I said a month at least without an orgasm, that's another week from now at least, might be very difficult for him. He certainly agreed to that - especially as I've been doing everything I can to remind him of his predicament lately! I said that I'd like to offer him a choice. (I made a point of finering the key quite a bit throughout all this.) Either he could just wait the week or more, or I'd invite Laura round to help me examine and measure him and also to observe the rest of his punishment. I explained Laura's 'rules' from my conversation with her (broadly, that My Pete and I had to have agreed in advance that she could be there, that she and I would remain clothed, that she wouldn't participate other than under my direction). I sad that I would find this exciting (and I thought he would as well).

To my surprise, he said he'd rather go for the extra 'week, or whatever'. I asked him why and he said there were two reasons. First, that he was worried about Laura keeping the secret, first from her husband (who we know a bit) and from friends (who we also know). I reassured him again, saying she's a lawyer, used to keeping secrets and that I trust her. In fact we've both already been trusting her because as My Pete knows (and agreed to), I've been confiding in her for ages. Then he said the second reason was that it was 'just too much'. I asked whether surely it was every male fantasy! He just said 'no, not yet', and I said that of course, he had a choice.

Then I said, "Well, seeing as we can't have sex anytime soon, and I'm getting a bit frustrated...", and I gave him the signal with the gentlest pat on his head. He immediately understood, but was obviously very distracted as for the first while I had to keep asking him to slow down.

Sal