Deep breath. And... relax. Here goes

Discussion in 'Journals and blogs' started by longtallsally, May 1, 2022.

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  1. longtallsally
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    longtallsally Long term member

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    Just a quick note to say I'm still here! Lots has happened (mostly good, I think, although as usual, not according to plan). I was going to write about it a couple of days ago but I got asked to do a big piece of work which is taking all my time. It'll finish Sunday night or the small hours of Monday, so I'll try to catch up then.
    Since my last message, I've confirmed that when he's been locked for a good long time, when I release him and have him inside me, he basically has no control. But I do, and I love that. He told me he does too! I've also learned that My Pete certainly can come inside his cage. Proper update on Monday or Tuesday.
    Thanks for the lovely messages. Sal.
     
  2. Open2njoy
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    @longtallsally You don’t have to apologize. We all are acutely aware of how life can get in the way of our secret lives. Happy to hear the two of you are still exploring the benefits of a chastity lifestyle.

    It sounds like he’s really enjoying it - especially if you got him to cum in his cage. I’m sure that’s a hot story! Think of all the fun you can have with that. Maybe he should start making you some captions :+1:
     
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  3. SubPeter
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    Hi Sal,
    I think this was the longest thread I ever read through but it was so worth it. Your adventures with your Pete is really interesting and exciting. It is really good to read that someone is actually having this journey together with their partner and they are both enjoying this. You both are really lucky with each other. I can't wait to read your journeys next state.
    P
     
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  4. longtallsally
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    longtallsally Long term member

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    I don't like working at the weekends, and it's beautiful sunny weather here so I was feeling a bit irritated. Just logged in during a break and your message cheered me up - thank you. Our 'journey' feels a bit like one of those children's dice games where everything seems to be going fine but then you land on the square that says, "cows in road, go back 3 places". Some days it feels just great. Other times I feel myself losing confidence and I've realised that I can't let my mask drop too much because that affects his confidence in me, and his willingness to take my direction. But I do feel that the more we do this, the more instinctive it gets for me, or at least more practiced! Thank you again. Sal.
     
  5. longtallsally
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    longtallsally Long term member

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    I just had a lovely message from someone who said his wife had enjoyed my posts. Thank you, that's kind. If your wife is anything like me, she might feel that there is a lot on this website that is quite scary or just yucky. But the thing that made it ok for me was that everyone who's made any comments or contacted me, every single person (and they're almost all men) has been polite, sensitive and encouraging. The other thing that helped was when I realised that we could just choose the bits of this that we wanted and that felt fun, taking little baby steps here and there. I'm very lucky indeed to have a real-life female friend, who has some experience with chastity and dommeishness (is that a word?), who I can talk to about this. Sal
     
  6. iome343
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    iome343 Long term member

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    "With great power there must also come great responsibility" great-power.jpg
     
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  7. longtallsally
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    longtallsally Long term member

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    Laura’s advice was to wait until biology intervenes and means that ordinary sex is off limits and then I should make various suggestions to test boundaries. If the suggestions get a massively bad reaction from My Pete then I should just say nothing and move on, or if I feel I need to, I can blame my hormones. @Jessica Alexander suggested making various suggestions or teasing threats just to see where they’d land, reminding me that teases and fantasies can remain just that – we don’t have to act on them but they can expose some interesting directions or plant seeds for later.

    So a few days ago, we found ourselves in the perfect situation to try something new. My Pete had been caged for a long time, or at least had only been allowed out under my supervision and hadn’t been able to touch himself. He told me he was as desperate as I’ve ever seen him. I said to him that he needn’t have told me - it was delightfully obvious as I could see he had difficulty concentrating on anything much other than me (which I so enjoy!) I explained that my body would be off limits for the usual reasons for the next few days. He looked demolished, even though he must surely have known. But I said that didn’t mean his body needed to be off limits as well. I said I wanted to try a few things and if all went well, he could expect to come.

    He immediately cheered up, like a puppy being thrown a stick. I said he just needed to do as I ask, that I would take full responsibility as usual and that he could, as always, just say no, although I might be disappointed if he did that. I also said that if I felt he was refusing something for frivolous reasons, I might need to extend the time he’s caged, or possibly invite one of my friends round to watch, the next time we took it out to inspect and measure it. I looked carefully for his reaction but couldn’t be sure if it was scared in an excited way or truly uncomfortable. I let that go for the moment.

    Following Laura’s advice, I asked him to go and have a shower and come to the living room naked in ¼ of an hour. Meanwhile I changed into rather formal clothes – the ones I use for the odd interview. I know that cfnm isn’t for everyone, but it seems to excite us both as it amplifies my position of power and his feeling of relinquishing control. I also went and found the cane Laura had lent me. It was a mean, whippy looking thing, practically the length of a fencing sword, and made out of carbon fibre or something like that. When I said to her that we were nowhere near wanting to go this route, she said I didn’t need to use it, but just holding it would frame the relationship and would also make me feel powerful. She suggested I could also use it to point with. Unfortunately, it didn’t immediately make me feel powerful at all. In fact, I realised I was shaking and had to have a decent sized emergency whisky to calm down.

    When he reappeared (he knocked on the door first!) I was sitting on the sofa waiting, trying to look stern, and I’d laid out the cane and various other toys next to me. I asked him to stand in front of me, wearing only the cage. I could tell that he immediately saw the cane (he looked horrified) but before he could say anything, I just tapped him on his thigh with it and asked him to turn around for me so I could look at him properly. When he had his back to me, I asked him to stand with his legs apart and bend over. I realised that he probably thought I was going to thwack him, so I reassured him I just wanted to look at him from behind. I know from experience now that this is a position that makes him feel especially vulnerable. After a bit, I asked him to turn back around and choose between a caning and me deploying the Aneros thing (a sort of prostate massager) we’d bought in the sex-shop.

    There was a super-long silence (Laura said, ‘always use and take note of silence’) during which I looked him in the eye the whole time. He eventually pointed to the Aneros. I don’t know what I’d have done if he’d chosen the cane, although I did find it odd that the decision took him some time. Mentally filed away…

    I held the Aneros in my hand and told him that I had been thinking that he was far too fixated on his erections and perhaps there were other ways he could come, if he was really that desperate. I said I had been very pleased indeed with his openness about what had happened to him at school and how he’d experimented on his own with a butt plug. But was he ready for me to do the giving and him the receiving? He nodded but I asked him to say out loud that he was ready and to repeat it. I said how pleased I was. We had a long kiss and I moved his cage rhythmically with my hand. I could tell he was very aroused. I stood back and used the cane to direct him to sit on the sofa. As always, I gave a lot of attention to his nipples and then eventually gave him a tube of lube and asked him to ‘prepare himself for me’. He was so remarkably compliant! The moment I asked him to pull his feet up on the sofa, he did and a moment later, and way more easily than I’d expected, the Aneros was in. I’ve used one before with a previous boyfriend and I thought I’d let him get used to the feel of it being moved around a little before going anywhere near his prostate. But I’d forgotten that it’s designed in such a way that it kind of pops into place and then any movement at all seems to be guided to that spot.

    I carried on moving the cage around with one hand and wiggling the Aneros with the other – probably for just a minute or two and I suddenly realised he had that look that he gets when he’s on the edge. I told him to look at me and managed to instruct him quite calmly, “Come for me right now”. And he instantly did!!! There was lots of mess – I guess it had been building up for a while - but it didn't seem to go any distance. I don't know whether that was because the tip of the cage might have been in the way, or because he wasn't hard at the time. I also think he would have come anyway without my command, but I know that when I tell him to come, he feels much happier about losing control because, after all, it’s what I’m asking him to do.

    He seemed surprised and a bit dazed. I took out the Aneros and did indeed feel deliciously in control. I said, in a knowingly jokey way, “That was wonderful for me, how was it for you?” I thought he would say something really positive, but instead, he just said, “Take it off, now”. He didn’t use our safe word, (and he didn’t say ‘please’ either), but I could tell he was serious and that something was wrong. I thought I must have hurt him somehow, or that being contained in the cage when he came had been painful, so I immediately unlocked him. He took the cage and ring off. I asked him if it hurt and he said no, and then he started sobbing. The only time I’d ever seen him cry before was at a funeral, so this was a bit of a shock.

    I hugged and held him, not knowing what had happened. I just kept saying I loved him and asking what was wrong. Eventually he said he was ok now. We just lay there for ages. Finally, I asked if he could talk about what happened? He said that it had just been too intense, partly at first because of being reminded of his awful experience at school and then beyond that, the overwhelming feeling of being ‘totally out of control and lost’. He said he’d never come that way before and he had found the sensation of coming while unable to be hard very emotionally difficult. [Is this something other people have experienced??] I asked him if it had felt like an ordinary orgasm. He said that it hadn’t, because he hadn’t been hard. I asked whether it had felt nice? He said he didn’t know exactly – I asked him if he found it humiliating or too submissive or just too different from what he’s used to. He said, “Yes, all of those”. I asked him again “But did it feel nice?” And he said, “Intense but awful at the same time. I don’t know, it was complete emotional overload”. We had a nice kiss, eventually got up and showered. I noticed he was already getting hard again - is that usual when men come this way?? – but I said we shouldn’t overdo it. He was obviously disappointed, but he put the ring and cage on and presented himself to be locked.

    As I turned the key, I looked him in the eye as I always do, but also made sure to say how much he’d excited me, which was certainly true.

    So, once again, an evening which went not exactly according to plan. I still don’t really know how it felt for him.

    Sal
     
  8. spider203
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    spider203 Long term member

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    You would read stories about people doing all kind of stuff and it would seem cold and clinical, But this the first time that there was any human emotion in it and what the consequences of changing things around. Thanks again for letting us into your world even on a small level.
     
  9. Narciso
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    I definitely didn't see that coming, but apparently cumning in a cage can be a mindf for some men. What I loved though, is that despite Pete's emotional overload you stayed in charge (after quick aftercare, of course) and had him lock his cage again. Kudos to you, your husband has the heaven on Earth with such terrific and fast-learning keyholder!

    And by the way, because it's my first post in this topic - I really really really enjoyed reading it in its entirety, thank you Sal. I hope the situation with Aneros won't discourage you from carrying on living a chastity marriage. Keeping my fingers crossed that you won't quit chastity so we can enjoy reading another at least 100 pages of your fantastic journey.

    I'm not sure how Pete can react on it, but have you thought about going to a restaurant and putting yourself in a dominant role (talking with a waiter, ordering food for yourself and Pete, asking for a bill)? I believe it may give you an opportunity to make some mental notes, you can ask your husband later how did he feel about it, did his cage get tighter, etc. Or some different examples of public subtle dominance/humiliation. Perhaps you can try in a different city, so if something goes wrong you can just forget about it and proceed.
     
  10. SubDee
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    yes Sal, this happens to some men.
    I actually just was listening to Ruby Riders Podcast and she talked about it.
    FYI, she is a pegging enthusiast/educator.
    Apparently there are a lot of men that can react this way after the intensity of anal play (especially for a beginner/first time session)
    Probably because we males have mostly been conditioned to believe that we shouldn’t have sex that way or take pleasure in anal stimulation.

    I don’t really understand as I learned in my early teens that I wanted and deeply enjoyed that kind of sex.
    But Pete is certainly not alone. It is a normal reaction for some men.

    I would suggest maybe having him unlocked the next time you try to play like that. See if you can re-wire him to associate that anal stimulation with the kind of orgasms that he is used to. Maybe take him in your mouth or hand while you penetrate him with something small (Even a finger during a blowjob).

    as it so happens, I’m not allowed to masturbate these days, but even when I did, I would rarely just go at it with my hand, I’d always incorporate anal stimulation even if I would ultimately come from using my hand.
    It just became normal sex to me.
    I don’t know how long it will take but I’d be surprised if he didn’t ultimately end up finding pleasure in it and even craving it.

    or, alternatively, you can just let him know that this is what sex looks like for him now and that’s how it will be going forward. You get whatever you want, and he gets chastity!
    From what I’ve read here, I don’t think that would be the right approach for Pete.

    Ease him into it, while stimulating the penis to orgasm. Little by little, take the penile stimulation away.
    Before you know it, he’ll be backing up onto your strap-on with animalistic fervor.
    And lots of aftercare! Cuddle him afterwards, tell him how good it is for you and how hot it makes you.
     
  11. Open2njoy
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    @longtallsally An anal orgasm can be an incredibly intense and emotional experience for a man especially when it happens as quickly as it did for your Pete. On the other hand it can also be incredibly enjoyable.

    Perhaps the experience and reaction had more to do with him being nervous and not relaxed. The sight of the cane may have been a contributing factor. It may also have been the shock of learning he could orgasm without employing his penis through masturbation or intercourse. He might also be afraid of what you “must” think of him for cumming like that.

    Talk it through with him. Experiment with the cage off but the ring still in place while using a butt plug. You’re doing great and the aftercare you’ve already expressed is awesome.
     
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  12. iome343
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    iome343 Long term member

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    Thank you again for your writings, always full of emotion and contrasts.

    I am very novice compared to my colleagues and so my opinion is not very qualified.

    I would suggest waiting a few days for reflections, though. You and your husband have had an intense experience, far beyond expectations.
    It is not necessarily negative, but you clearly need time to reflect.

    I would resume the discussion in 3-4 days, calmly, in a non-sexual family setting for a healthy confrontation as a couple.

    My impression, however, is that you behaved in the Great
     
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    bondinchas Long term member

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    Sal,
    "Emotionally intense".
    That's good sex! As others have said, use these intense moments that you're capable of creating to rewire his reactions away from the childhood memories to today's stimulations and sensations.

    From reading your last post, I think you do worry too much sometimes. Pete and you have good communication, and if you do something that is just too much for him, he will let you know. You know that he will, so trust him to say so just like he trusts to give you the power over him.
    So whether it's using the Aneros, the cane, or anything else, if he doesn't specifically object, take his general sexual submission to you as permission to try, or to repeat, anything that he hasn't specifically stated is a hard limit.

    Has he mentioned the cane? Did he say you were never to use it? Does it turn him into the "frightened rabbit" that you both enjoy so much? So, yes, use it. Gently, very softly at first, and then session by session, you'll both want more.

    I have played both ends of the field, but being much more submissive and masochist than the opposites I do know how difficult it can sometimes be to give that control to someone else.
    But it can also be just as difficult to take that control when it's given to you.
    When you're both playing your roles, it may be frustrating for the sub if the person playing the Dom doesn't use all of that power granted to them. But the sub may never complain, wishing and hoping that you'll grow into your role without him having to "top from the bottom", which very often can spoil the mood and the dynamic.

    That's the beauty of having a safe word.
    If you agree that you can push his boundaries a little at a time, then you can both have confidence that your play will be as intense as you desire without you having to worry all the time whether it's too much, or not right. Occasionally it might be too much, by definition it must be, otherwise you'd never push the boundaries to find those moments that you've both never experienced before.
     
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  14. SlaveBoy73
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    Sobbing might be a sign of catharsis. Just make sure you care for him after.

    He might be feeling like he's losing himself...or his former sense of masculine self that isn't allowed to cry or feel vulnerable.

    THis is a common male theme. Tell him you are really proud of him for letting go with you. Tell him that it really turned you on to see him surrender to you. He will probably like that.
     
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    anasyrma Long term member

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    Thank you for sharing your experience. I think everything went well. You didn't get a "massively bad reaction" from Pete, just a different one. I believe you are exploring new and exciting directions in your relationship. I agree that the after care from such an intense event is important so you both know everything will be ok. Both Pete and you did really well. I continue to be envious of his predicament with you and your love for each other!
     
  16. starflyer
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    #longtallsally
    I bet he'd want you to do it again though, what a great domme you are
     
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  17. longtallsally
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    longtallsally Long term member

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    While my body has been off limits, I've taken all the advice (I honestly think I would have done this anyway) and made sure My Pete knows I care about him and found the last episode very exciting. Yesterday, I unlocked him in the usual way for his shower, washed and shaved him, dried him off and put some cream where the ring goes. As always there was no disguising his excitement. At this point, he's got used to me leaving him with the door slightly open (so he doesn't get up to any tricks) and asking him to put on the ring and cage, coming to me when he's ready to have it locked. As he was reaching for the ring, I said he deserved a treat and held it, leading him to the bed. He looked happy but said he was worried about what I had in mind.

    I just asked him to lie back and enjoy, even though my body was still out of bounds. I managed to keep him on the edge for a good while and when he finally came, I tried to make it as satisfying as possible. I think I managed as he laughed and said it nearly made him cry again, but in a good way.

    I aske him to have a quick wash and 'pop the cage on for me'. After I locked it, I said I was glad he enjoyed that because it could be another month or two before the next one. (I'm sure it won't be, but I like messing with him, and I now know that he enjoys it too). I also said there were plenty of things to try in the meantime and that I would be talking to Laura to get some more ideas. I said I might just invite her along and he looked excited and terrified. (I very much doubt that will happen, not least because she's previously said it sounds like a very bad idea) but it was fun seeing his reaction.

    Sal.
     
  18. longtallsally
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    longtallsally Long term member

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    Thanks for the post that had lots of wise words in it. This line caught my eye, because it's exactly what my dad used to say. And my mum. And just about everyone I know! Sal
     
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  19. Stephplayswithyou
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    Sounds like, shocker :), you once again handled things amazingly well. You guys are clearly in a very good place and it was great to hear he even had a bit of fun with his comment back to ya. Keeping it light and to me, letting you know, he's okay. I'm sure he's still processing things, but getting to a good place. Thank you for being so open and sharing your story with all of us. We all recognized you were a bit worried from your last message which was completely understandable.
     
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  20. Narciso
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    Does Pete have free access to porn? Have you considered installing any kind of software to block unwanted content for him?
     
  21. iome343
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    I think you, as usual, have found the best way.

    Granting your husband a good orgasm is up to you, but in this case I found it the best of strategies.

    After his intense experience, he needed to feel close to you even through sexual pleasure. At the same time, in a very subtle way, you emphasized that you are in charge and that he can trust your decisions
     
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  22. longtallsally
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    longtallsally Long term member

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    Thanks for the suggestion. With a few notable exceptions, I don't like most of the pornography I've seen and to be honest I don't want him to like it either, but I recognise that he probably does. I haven't asked him if he watches porn because, if the answer is yes, I don't think I want to hear it. I don't like the idea of snooping on him, or limiting his browsing - although I can see that that might be a thing for other couples.
    Now you've made me think about this, I think i worry less about him watching porn now that he's in chastity because I know the only time he can get hard or come is when I've allowed him. (Forgive me the evil grin).
    Sal
     
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  23. Stephplayswithyou
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    Bingo! I think you've nailed it. It's only further frustrating for him since he cannot do anything about it. So why limit it. Sure, he's looking at others, but like you've realized, it's fully under your control and likely going to benefit you later because he'll be more worked up, you'll get even more attention.
     
    bondinchas likes this.
  24. maid julie
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    maid julie Long term member

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    Always a pleasure to see your next update. You are doing everything so well
     
  25. littleguy3
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    littleguy3 Long term member

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    Personally, there is no point in me watching Porn since I can do nothing about it. I've been porn-free for 5 months since my wife became the KH. She has explicitly stated she doesn't want me watching porn or viewing other visually stimulating images of women. However, in a poll I conducted on this site, 85% of men who are in longer term chastity still admit to viewing porn.

    While porn may make your man more desperate for release, it's not going to enhance your relationship. Studies have shown that when men stop viewing porn for 30 days, they find their mate more attractive. This has been unquestionably true in my relationship with my wife. She now dominates all of my erotic fantasies. And my desperation for release is substantial.

    Personally, if I were you, I'd tell him I don't want him viewing porn and that I want him to find all of his visual stimulation at home. You don't need to ask if he does but tell him how disappointed you would be if you found him doing it. Given his now changed attitude towards you because of the cage, I think he'll think really hard about disappointing you.
     
    Danny15 and ChasteJase like this.
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