Deep breath. And... relax. Here goes

Discussion in 'Journals and blogs' started by longtallsally, May 1, 2022.

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  1. longtallsally
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    longtallsally Long term member

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    Last night, we were lying in bed chatting, with my hand on his cage. I’ve learned that he likes it if I don’t keep my hand too still but move it around slightly. He never actually suggests it, but I’ve noticed that if I’m still for too long he wriggles the cage a bit against my hand, which I find rather sweet. We were like that for a while and then, out of the blue, he asked me, “Are we ok?”. I wasn’t sure exactly what he meant so I turned the question back and asked him how he thought we were doing. But he gently said, “I asked you first”.

    I told him the truth; that I was pretty sure about the non-sexual aspects of our life being in a good balance at the moment but a little less sure about where we were going sexually and with the whole chastity thing, because I couldn’t always tell how much he enjoyed it and how much he was going along with it to please me. I also said that I wasn’t sure where it would take us. He said he was relieved to hear I thought we were in a good balance generally and he was enjoying what we were trying with chastity (phew!). But I could tell from his voice there was something wrong.

    I asked him what prompted his question. He said he was mostly enjoying the ‘exciting torture’ of denial and liked me being in control so that he didn’t have to take the lead – he had enough of that all day at work. He said he found losing control of his erections exciting as a thought, and also exciting because he knew that I find it arousing, but difficult to deal with. I nibbled his nipples and teasingly commiserated that I sympathised, knowing the effect it would have on him. Since we began with chastity, I think he’s hardly ever come without me paying attention to his nipples at the same time, and he’s told me the association is strong now. But he didn’t respond in the usual way. Instead of entering into ‘play mode’, he asked whether I was finding his chastity frustrating too.

    I said that I was sure it was much more frustrating for him (grin). But he was serious. He asked whether, because we weren’t having penetrative sex as much as we used to, in fact hardly ever, whether I didn’t miss that? Then his real worry all came out in a rush. He said he’d been looking online and had felt upset at the whole cuckolding scene and was that something I’d been thinking about? He said he couldn’t bear it if that was where we were heading and that if so, we should stop the whole project. I hadn’t seen that one coming!

    I spent a good long time reassuring him that the thought hadn’t crossed my mind, (which wasn’t strictly true – it’s something I’d come across on this site but had indeed rejected as not for me, and not for us). I told him that I love him and love the way we are together, and I don’t want anyone else. He looked incredibly relieved, and I realised that he needs a lot of reassurance. As I thought about it, I realised that I too have always needed reassurance as well – him telling me that he loves me etc. But I’ve noticed that since we’ve had him in chastity, he’s needing more reassurance, and more attention, than he used to. I wonder if that’s common? It doesn't bother me - in fact I rather like it, but I do keep having to be reminded.

    After I’d calmed him down, I admitted to him that I do miss penetrative sex, but other things we do compensate for that and I complimented him on his developing skills in giving me pleasure in other ways. I also told him I totally love it when he’d been locked up for a while and he enters me and just can’t hold back – it makes me feel in control (I can virtually make him come on command when we he’s in that state) and at the same time it makes me feel extremely desirable. He said he understood why I’d enjoy that and he said he found it thrilling that I could completely cause him to lose control but asked if that was fulfilling enough for me? I said that waiting an hour or two and having sex again was nice as well, because it lasted long enough for me to come with him inside me, and he agreed. I said that perhaps we should do that more often and he looked more grateful than I thought possible. I must remember that.

    I also said that I’d really like to try again with the cream, even though it had all gone a bit wrong the last time, as I’d find it exciting to be filled by him but know that he couldn’t come. For me, it’s a lovely contrast to him losing control the moment I want him to, after he’s been in chastity for a while. This way he’d be desperate to come and not be able to even though he’d be free, unlocked and inside me. Thank you to the people on this site who’ve suggested this - it sounds like a lot of fun! He said he'd be willing to try again although he couldn't really predict how he'd feel about it when it came to the moment.

    He asked me whether we could please try any one of these things right now. I could tell he was desperate! I kissed him and looked him in the eye and said that I’d think about it…(pause) for a few days! I told him I love it when he’s a bit desperate and I gave his cage a tug. I thanked him for sharing all this with me, attached the lead to his cage, and led him a long circuitous route to the shower, where I washed and shaved him and then asked him to ‘pop it back in for me’. He left the bathroom door open so I could keep an eye. Eventually, he came out, and I locked him back up.

    I led him back to bed by the lead, which made us both giggle. I reminded him of how much more effective the lead had been when I attached it to a little strap that fitted just around his balls and said that we'd be experimenting more with that. I could tell he liked that idea. He asked me whether, since he was safely caged, he could have free run of my body? I asked him to be my guest! Then I had another surprise. He went to the bathroom and came back with an impressively lifelike dildo, made of slightly softish rubbery material, which he’d warmed in the sink. I actually found it rather unpleasantly creepy - I’ve always felt that way about dildos and this one even more so because it was so lifelike – but he looked so eager and pleased with himself and the fact that it was him wielding it, while being locked, made me go along with it. I realised also that he found it exciting. For me, there was just too much to think about and all that processing rather prevented my body from doing its thing, so after a while I asked him to stop and gently lick me instead.

    Afterwards, I reassured him again and teasingly asked whether he thought the dildo would reach his prostate. Then we fell asleep.

    Sal
     
  2. maid julie
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    maid julie Long term member

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    Your doing great. Keep up the great work and enjoy the fun
     
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  3. obeywan
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    Hello Sal! I follow your journal from the very beginning and I absolutely love It. Like many others mentioned before, I would suggest you to write a book or blog and I would immediately give it to my wife.

    As I re-start with chastity this week because of subtile sugestion frim my life that came out of the blue.
    I would like to ask you: How do you feel..see each other during the day doing non-sexual routine tasks?
    I mean, if you have It on your mind all the time, that he Is wearing the cage or you just forget abouit. Thank you so much.
     
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  4. Jessica Alexander
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    Jessica Alexander Trans woman not a mistress or Dom

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    Chastity makes the male seek pleasure vicariously through their partners pleasure which is called compersion. Never forget that allowing him to give you pleasure is the same as giving him pleasure even if he is left untouched.
     
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  5. longtallsally
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    longtallsally Long term member

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    Hello, thank you for saying such a nice thing! Your question is something I've thought about quite a lot and I've asked My Pete too. I find that it's quite easy for me to forget about the whole chastity thing when he's at work or away. And that actually has turned out to be a problem sometimes, because I've learned that he needs a lot of reassurance and frequent little erotic or teasing messages to tell him he's not forgotten! I have needed to be reminded not to forget to do that.

    When we're together, just doing the shopping, or watching TV, or out with friends or whatever, I find it quite easy to put the chastity thing out of my mind but every now and then something will remind me. Sometimes it's as subtle as a look or a glance to each other. The other day when we were shopping, I dropped the car keys for a moment and all of a sudden I found myself thinking about his cage and I could tell that he had been reminded too. Or sometimes there are words or phrases that remind me, or I just find myself thinking about it.

    When I asked him the same question recently, he recognised all the same kind of reminders as I experience, but there were a whole lot more. For example, when he's out and about and sees pretty women (we've had hot weather here recently) or even pictures on advertising, he says he's reminded of the cage. And being reminded makes him even more conscious of it, which reminds him even more...

    But the thing that I was most worried about - that it would seriously affect the way we regard each other in our everyday lives - doesn't seem to have happened. I do think that it has made us both think about sex more than we did before though, but I don't know whether that's because of the novelty.

    Sal
     
  6. longtallsally
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    longtallsally Long term member

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    Thank you. I feel that I should write the following 100 times: "allowing him to give you pleasure is the same as giving him pleasure". I know you're right (or maybe 'almost the same', or 'nearly as good as') but I still don't properly believe it. I've got some decades of conditioning to lay aside! Sal
     
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  7. littleguy3
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    littleguy3 Adoring husband

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    Your comments about pleasure are interesting to me after just listening to a podcast "The Neuroscience of Sexual Desire – With Emily Nagoski". Emily's mantra is "Pleasure is the Measure" which she talks about near the end of the podcast.

    But there are other helpful insights into sexuality & the brain, what makes for "great sex", etc. You can find the summary in the link and it includes a transcription if you just want to skim thru it and not listen to the full podcast. A couple of highlights for me were at the 14:30 mark, again at the 24:21 and again at 33:10.
     
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  8. Headtrip
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    Headtrip Long term member

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    Sal, to your question about reassurance: my wife often jokes "it's true: you are becoming the girl and I am becoming the boy!" She is NOT just talking about pegging, etc, rather she is discussing how emotional and sensitive I become after long periods of denial, and how confident and assured she becomes. She then usually adds: "Well here is your reassurance, baby, I absolutely love you this way so much more than that robot I used to know. Its OK, be sensitive, be open with me, trust me to take care of you (that is what its all about)"

    I will leave you to interpet as you wish, but it somehow puts things in a better perspective whenever I hear it.
     
  9. Open2njoy
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    Open2njoy Long term member

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    @longtallsally There’s no doubt a relationship that includes male chastity can cause the male partner to be more sensitive and need more reassurance then he needed prior to chastity. He needs your assurance that you still see him as a sexual partner especially because your sexual roles have been somewhat reversed. Perhaps reminding him that straight penetrative sex becomes routine after time (which could lead to a boring sexual relationship and raises the possibility of cheating by either of you). What the two of you now have may be unconventional to many but serves to keep you both excited for each other. Denial may be frustrating at times but it certainly turbo charges your desires for each other. You’ve both admitted as much to each other.
     
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  10. Jessica Alexander
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    Jessica Alexander Trans woman not a mistress or Dom

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    Many guys are terrified of the very things that turn them on. It could very well be a hot fantasy for him but have no desire to ACTUALLY do it. There is a lot of stigma for a guy to allow his wife/girlfriend to be with another man. Being called a "cuck" is one of the worst things for a guy although more would be ok with it than will ever admit. You may could explore it a bit because it could be a powerful fantasy to play with even if it never goes beyond play.

    I think it's a natural train of thought for any man who is locked up because he is keenly aware that you aren't getting PIV either. Keep communication open and assure him that it's ok to find something hot but have no desire to actually do it.

    Love following your journey! J
     
  11. iome343
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    iome343 Long term member

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    Thank you Sal for another wonderful slice of your life.

    I absolutely love reading your thoughts, your doubts, your small steps in everyday family kinky life
     
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  12. SlaveBoy73
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    SlaveBoy73 Long term member

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    I think that it’s possible he is intrigued and excited by the idea of cuckolding even if he does not want the real thing.

    He brought it up probably to feel the thrill.

    You could tease him by saying, “I wasn’t thinking about cuckolding but now that you put the idea in my head...” and hold his cock to measure the twitching.
     
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  13. handsolo
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    handsolo Long term member

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    I think I've mentioned before that when he is at his most desperate, he will quite forthcoming.

    During a long lockup, when he's expressing how badly he wants out, state "you know that's not happening." Wait a couple ticks, then ask him "but what would you do to get out right now?"

    If you're teasing him, bringing him to the edge, him under orders to ask you to stop before he orgasms, you could ask "what would you do to come right now?"

    These needn't be actionable data points, but they might inform you of his precarious edge. You can also approach those limits within both your comfort levels.

    For example, you brandished your key at the naughty store, which immediately outed you both to the clerk, which is against both of your limits. You could get a bit of jewelry that references chastity so obtusely that only you two could know. A bird in flight, representing the freedom he has ceded to your control, or a powerful animal, representing the sex drive you have caged and brough to heel. Maybe a whale or dolphin, which would be innocuously feminine; only you two would note the sperm-like analogy. A tap on the jewelry and an arched eyebrow would bring him to heel as quickly as waggling the key did.

    While you both agree cuckoldry is off the menu, if you watch porn together, you could select clips where the man is... superior to Pete, and have him describe the actor and narrate the action. Or vice-versa, you could use the session as an opportunity to get yourself off as Pete remains caged, while you vocally admire the clip.

    You could also give him a homework assignment to find chastity play clips that he finds particularly hot. Again, you don't need to reenact them, but they would point to his mindset.
     
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  14. longtallsally
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    longtallsally Long term member

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    "it's ok to find something hot but have no desire to actually do it"
    Another thing I need to write out a hundred times!
    Sal
     
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  15. longtallsally
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    longtallsally Long term member

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    Thanks for these great ideas! We don't watch porn together (I know I don't want that) but I love the idea of the jewellery that only he and I understand, and those questions I could ask him at significant moments sound just right. Thanks for explaining why you suggested them - it's all about learning more and more about the things he's sensitive to. Thank you! Sal.
     
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  16. Matthew989
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    Matthew989 Active member

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    It took my amazing wife about six months to get past this point- never looked back since!
     
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  17. Jessica Alexander
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    Jessica Alexander Trans woman not a mistress or Dom

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    If you want to see something funny, tell him that he can have 10 minutes without a cage to masturbate but he can only use one finger.
     
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  18. longtallsally
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    longtallsally Long term member

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    That sounds fun - and I definitely wouldn't have thought of that! Sal
     
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  19. longtallsally
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    longtallsally Long term member

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    I had a coffee with Laura (my once-upon-a-time dommeish friend) the other day, who suggested that the next time my body is off limits for the usual hormonal reasons, and I'm feeling a bit bitchy, I might just experiment. She suggested 'presenting my firmer side' as she put it, and maybe having some fun pushing the boundaries. She said the worst that would happen is that I would need to apologise and move swiftly on, blaming a chemical imbalance. So, the rest of those toys from the adult shop should see some use in the next few days.

    After watching the football (we won, we won!) we had a shower together yesterday and I unlocked him to wash and shave him under the ring and generally check everything. When I took the cage off - I always try to look him in the eye when I unlock and remove it - I said it made me feel powerful, like the women we'd just been watching. I suddenly wondered whether that result is going to pave the way for a whole lot more experiments with chastity. :)

    He asked me very nicely whether he might be allowed to stroke himself and I gave him a friendly but firm 'no' and said we should just lock it away quickly so he's not tempted. He said he was much too excited to go back into the cage. I said we could at some time have another go with the numbing cream, which didn't go very well last time). He said he found the idea difficult but would do it if that's what I wanted. I explained that I would indeed like to experiment with that, but another time. This time, I said I'd like to put the ring and cage on him myself, even though he was clearly excited. I asked him to get some ice cubes and water in a plastic bag and sit on the edge of the bath. It kind of, nearly, almost, worked! Well, he definitely shrank quite a bit, but I still couldn't wrangle it through the ring, or get the cage on. He managed it pretty quickly though. I locked him and I told him I'd been talking to Laura and would be following her advice over the next week or so. I swear he looked at me with a combination of love and squirming fear, but I might be reading into his expression more than was actually there. Then he said something like, "if you'd told me that before we put the cage on, you'd never have got me into it!" Another little moment to file away.

    While he was dressing, I told him a little fantasy I'd had about going with him to the cage shop to get him fitted. In my fantasy, it was like a shoe shop, with lots of designs to try on and sizes to be measured and fitted, and assistants flitting around. Only instead of a load of parents with kids, buying them shoes, it was women with their chastitied (is that a verb?) partners choosing their cages. He looked at me, and gave me the most beautiful long kiss and I couldn't help myself, I just gave him that signal with my hand on his head and he instantly took the hint. Bliss!

    Sal
     
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  20. Locked_Koala
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    Locked_Koala Active member

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    Along with everyone else, I must say that I absolutely love reading your stories and insight into your mind. It is so refreshing. Y’all have come such a long way in a relatively short time, and it is amazing and inspirational.

    Thank you.
     
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  21. Open2njoy
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    Open2njoy Long term member

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    @longtallsally I sure the expression was an equal mixture of love and fear. He loves you and fears the advice you may be getting from Laura but he loves you talking with her about it even if he says he doesn’t. The interesting confession was that had he known you were talking with her he would have been too erect to recage. I think deep down he relishes the fact that you outed his secret to Laura and the woman in the adult shop. Your fantasy played totally into his fantasy - ying and yang.
     
  22. Jessica Alexander
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    Jessica Alexander Trans woman not a mistress or Dom

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    What part excited/scared him? Was it just her involvement and knowledge of him being locked? Maybe you should tell him that you gave her his keys and that he is going to have to do something for Laura to earn the keys back (or something along those lines). I'm not saying to actually do it but say it just to get his reaction. You can even tell him that you mailed them to her and you will get them next time you see her. I can just see the panic on his face! :eek:
     
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  23. anasyrma
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    anasyrma Long term member

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    This shows that Pete is thinking of you and that you should continue to enjoy things like penetration even when he is locked in his cage and unable to provide to you himself. He thought about your needs and did something to give you pleasure, even if you thought it was a bit creepy! You never know, it could grow on you!
     
  24. Nicoftime
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    Nicoftime The suspense is terrible...I hope it lasts

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    My wife is not a big fan of dildos. To quote her “it just doesn’t feel real”. She admitted that she loved feeling the size, being able to have different positions and longer thrusts when using the harness, and me watching as she fucks herself.

    But she said it just kinda feels yuck and a bit slimy.

    The kinky aspect kinda turns her on, usually happens when she’s been drinking.
     
  25. Jessica Alexander
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    Jessica Alexander Trans woman not a mistress or Dom

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    I wonder if it’s related to the “uncanny valley” phenomenon which describes how humans get the creeps when androids/robots/replicants cross a threshold of looking TOO human but still give off indications that they are fakes which sets off alarms into the lizard part of our brains. Mating is a risky proposition for a female so if something is “off” with a penis, it could raise subconscious alarms that make it feel creepy
     
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