I saw this post on Fetlife earlier and thought it might be useful to some. I am posting it with permission from the author. He makes some very good points. A link to the original post is at the bottom. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear men who wish to serve dominant women...(from a submissive man) Somewhere along the line, we mistook DOING submission, for BEING submissive. I believe that many men relate to submission as a sex-act; a part time role in a scene where the woman becomes a kink dispenser / porn star under the guise of 'serving'. I blame porn. I've been appalled at how many men have hit on my Queen with a selfish shopping list, and after multiple messages still know NOTHING about her because they're so wrapped up in what they want from her. As her protective pet, I get quite frustrated for her! They aren't looking to BE submissive. They are wanting to DO submission as a way to fulfil a sexual desire. Who am I? I'm a 36 year old 24/7 lifestyle sub to a strong and beautiful dominant 30 year old woman. We are professionals, completely unsuspecting, and have 'normal' lives. And she owns me, my time, and all of my resources — and we are both empowered by that. I've had no shortage of finding dominant women in my life because they're literally EVERYWHERE. To meaningfully engage a person's dominant side however is another matter — and that's what I believe men lack awareness around. I believe most women have a natural dominant leadership, and all that separates them from realising and expressing it is them feeling trust, safety, and support. Sadly, many men present themselves as wanting to follow then they try to control everything which only worsens the situation because now there is distrust. How you can be appealing to a Dominant Woman? For those who truly want to BE with and serve a dominant woman, here's my own experience based on what I do/did, (and what my Queen values): I created a long and honest list of my qualities, skills, abilities, and resources. What do I bring to the table? What can I do that she can't or doesn't want to. Subs need to literally sell themselves here. This lifestyle is a 24/7 practice of improving ourselves to be of more value to the woman who allows us to worship them. If she knows her own worth (and the worth of an obedient man), don't worry, she will be smart and responsible with you. If doing this self-work makes one uncomfortable or defensive, then that's ok but consider that what you may want is a play scenario (which can be paid for) and not a lifestyle (which must be earned). We are dealing with emotional beings here. When I was searching for (and ultimately met) my Queen, I didn't just write a list of stuff, but I made sure I was damn good at every one of those things so I would also be reliable. From that, she was able to get a clear idea of how I would be of use to her. If you want to see my profile that she read, it's here – (https://www.collarspace.com/personals/v/2728708/details.htm) If your list is short, generic, or lacking, consider developing yourself some more before offering yourself. Why should she choose you? It's also ok for a Domme to not care for your list. If not, keep improving, and keep looking. You improve your chances with women just like you would to an employer — give more value than you take. Change your relationship to submission, service, & obedience So at this point, I'd like to offer a perspective to try on for all the aspiring submissive men out there. Imagine all the things you might not want to do in life - sit in traffic, go to work all day, do chores, errands, researching, cooking, repairing, negotiating, washing/ironing, dealing with bureaucrats, dealing with everyday shit like making appointments, waiting for a delivery, grooming, looking for lost things etc. Chances are every woman hates one or more them too because she's a human being with a desire to be doing other things! (surprise?) Now, take the time to actually learn about her as a person to find out what she DOES want to do with her time, life, resources, and energy. What is important to HER? This is different from fishing around to find out how she might be able to give you what you want. Please know the difference. If you aren't good with interpreting what she wants, then flat out ask — what do you want to never worry about, deal with, manage, or factor again so you can spend your life doing/having what you want? What do you want to experience in life? Be prepared for really dry answers that couldn't be further from sex. If that's what she wants, that's what she wants. Don't try to sexualise it or manipulate — that's her choice to make if she feels like it. If you can't reliably meet her basic boring requests without a simple 'yes ma'am', she most definitely won't trust you nor consider anything further — and rightfully so. No-one likes or trusts someone who is strategic and manipulative. Once you understand her goals and desires, you can now offer help regarding the obvious things, AND if you are savvy enough, you can now ANTICIPATE her future based wants and needs, fulfilling them before she may realise herself. Consider yourself a predictive engine, like Amazon but also submissive! A basic example of this is monitoring her makeup levels. You keep an eye on them and re-order them when necessary so she never has to worry again. A more advanced level of this is knowing that she has an important meeting coming up, and so you know the following things will need to be prepared, taken care of, and resolved for her to be successful. Perhaps replenishing her makeup is one of these small variables. If you think like a personal assistant / butler / concierge, you are probably on the money. Ideally for me, if my Queen goes through her day without needing to make a request for something in the ordinary, or didn't even notice how something 'just worked', then I've done my job well. To me, I have failed if she needs to make a request for what should be obvious. Generally, this means I have missed something because I wasn't 100% focussed on her wants and needs, and we have a corrective and communication process for that. Ok, now write a list of your own needs, desires, and wants in your own life. Then look at her list. Note how easy it is to give without having to forgo anything of your own? Take another look at her list. Choose giving yourself to something that will make her life easier, better, happier, and more fulfilling — even and especially if it means forgoing something on your list. And when you feel GENUINELY full, empowered, and happy with that choice, then you are on your way to BEING a valuable submissive rather than DOING a submissive as a way to get a load off. Just like helping a stranger, or giving to people in need, you will feel a deep sense of pride, reward, and warmth choosing her wants and needs over your own. I know because I feel it regularly if/when she creates a situation that I'm forced to choose and feel the slight grit of having to forgo something I value, followed by the swelling pride of earning a 'good boy' from her. Sometimes I'm forced to sacrifice comfort. Other times it's recognition, reward, food, money, or pleasure. She wants to experience your submission, not just hear about it Just like anything in life, when your Queen doesn't just hear your words about wanting to be a submissive, but she emotionally EXPERIENCES your submission, then she may be more open to trusting, cherishing, and valuing you enough to help you fulfil some of the things on your list. The reality of being a service sub is far less interesting than porn would suggest. It's not about wearing a maid's outfit and a buttplug while doing a poor job of cleaning in the hope of being wanked off. The reality will be simply being a grown adult forgoing his own desires, then doing chores with the agreement that she will never do them. Then doing that every day for the rest of your life with deep gratitude and zero complaint because you understand your place. And only then, after time and track record, might she start to choose indulging in my list of wants, needs, and desires. And she also might not and it's on you to be ok with that. If you're still doing all of this for a long-shot outcome, you're still doing it to be strategic and not for the service itself. She needs to trust you, not just like the idea of you There's a difference between doing submission, and being submissive — and it's experienced emotionally. And it's never the other person's fault that they aren't doing or giving you what you want. It's because they don't trust you. So earn the trust with the awareness that it is fragile and easily damaged. Be a valuable and authentic submissive — you might be pleasantly surprised what you get to enjoy, and it won't be what you think. https://fetlife.com/users/417191/posts/5797995
Well written and worth it for anyone who considers himself/herself a sub to consider. I cannot add to it, except to share my limited, personal experience. Since this is my own personal thoughts and experience, I do not expect that everyone will share the same view and some may argue with me. 1) Physical Power Exchange: Men are physical creatures. Male-gaze pornography is effective in making a male feel submissive through graphic images, fantasies, and situations. In most of these scenes, an emotional connection with the dominant is not demonstrated (although sometimes it is assumed.) However, these physical situations without emotion ties are still able to produce a sensation of submissiveness. This type of domination requires much work on the part of the Domme while the submissive enjoys the rewards. 2) Emotional (Relationship) Power Exchange: Women are emotionally superior to men. Reading and understanding emotions provides a woman a strength advantage over men. I am just a novice in experiencing Power Exchange in my own long term relationship. However, The above article seems to focus on what in means to be in a power exchange relationship. Being the one who relinquishes authority and sacrifices time (doing dishes, errands, back rubs, etc) for the benefit of one’s Queen/Goddess/Mistress can create those same feelings of submissiveness. a submissive can be the knight to his Queen. However, this type of submission requires much effort on the part of the submissive while the Domme enjoys the rewards. Both types of power exchange can bring out submissive feelings and bring a D/s relationship closer. Often, there may be a mix of physical and emotional domination. Some relationships may work better with one type or the other. All I noticed for many years was the male-gaze pornography that entered around physical power exchange. That was selfish of me and was alway met with resistance by my wife. What I am discovering is that Relationship Power Exchange is a much, much more powerful experience and rewarding for both Sub and Domme. Thank you for sharing the article. This type of information is why I am on this forum To help me better understand myself and improve my relationship.
Yes, it gives an interesting perspective. Not sure it works for all, but certainly can see how i'd incorporate parts if i had the opportunity.
It strikes me as an ideal rather than a reality. Even submissive/DOM relationships has to have a bit of give and take which resolves to some kind of expectation on both sides. That said I wish I could be more like that. Needs are needs because one needs them, wants are wants because one wants them. It is not something someone else can decide, its built into us. Sure we can work to change and better ourselves but there is a limit to how far anyone can bend. In an ideal world all of my abilities and attributes should be directed towards mistress.'s happiness and then in turn she decides on how I should be happy, and I SHOULD be just happy with that. Unfortunately reality is somewhat different. There is never an exact balance, milk honey and harmony. It is a well written thread, and something that one can strive to be better at for the ones we love.
This certainly rings true for me, many male subs are too focussed on what they want and what kinks they have especially in the beginning of the dating process. Of course it is important that these things match, but if you want to serve a woman you first have to show that you are actually servant material. That means that you must consider her needs before your own, and show her how servile you are before you expect anything else. If a dominant woman likes what she sees in your behaviour in general, she may want to hear your kink list and see if you are a match with her. If you start out with your kink list but don't show any submissive behaviour, prepare to be dissapointed.
Bingo! There are dominant women or potentially dominant women who have not tapped in to their dominant side everywhere, they just are not interested in whips and bondage for the most part. Being interested in dominant women as a fetish or masturbation tool might feel good for a moment but submitting to a dominant woman for real will bring you true fulfillment in a way that you will only understand when you do it. It is just scary for men to do in real life because of ego when you think you know better and are put in your place while nothing sexual is involved.
I was never a submissive guy, looking for a woman to serve. I stumbled into it by increasingly being of service to a dominant woman, who is/was one of my best friends. Helping her out in a rough patch, and growing to enjoy being useful, led me to want to formalize my service to her, and increase it. Because I'm married, I didn't want it to be about me getting off, which is partly why I never pursued a dominant woman, beyond the odd friend I'd switch with in a kink situation. The more I was able to help, the more she was able to flourish, without having to "do it all"....and the more she flourished, the more amazing she proved to be (I always respected her as a friend of course) and the more I found someone I would serve, despite my considerable ego. "I want to serve you, and I need for it not to be about me getting off, or being used sexually" works well for a queer, dominant woman, and for a poly relationship. Contrived service never worked for us, but real service gives me real pleasure. Find someone you respect as a person, who you can make a difference for, and who you don't need a "hot scene" to enjoy serving. The rest takes care of itself, in whatever form your kink/sex life goes.
As a "best friend" it was generally what you'd have if we were girlfriend/boyfriend. Car repairs and maintenance, moving and lifting heavy objects. Assembling IKEA items and building stuff in my workshop. Helping with car purchase and such. She's a chef, and we're both foodies, so helping with catering things and moving catering stuff.. Then the less tangible stuff like being a sounding board, listening, giving advice and support during a period of losing a home and having to move back with an elderly mother to save money for going back to University. Stuff that's a lot to deal with as a single person with no partner. Our "gateway' service thing was footrubs, that evolved into something similar to Tantric massage. I realized that I wanted to be someone she could rely on, like a partner, and we formalized that aspect, which led to becoming her bdsm partner, and the chastity and denial, which make me suitable for her, as a bdsm partner, and allows for a semi-poly relationship in the wife, keyholder, and me triangle.