cynthia's triumphs and tragedies

THO

i did not know what those three letters stood for until today. Titty Hard On, OMG embarrassing. i am entering a whole new phase of life as a female and undergoing changes like a girl entering puberty. Wow i want the breasts of course, but today was an awakening as one of the girls mentioned that i had THO and there they were, jumping out from under my blouse. So many willing mentors, by the way, a camisole with a shelf bra is not a bra, one still needs to wear a bra, so i have been told...

cynthia

 

hormonal day!

Today was one of those days that i can chalk up to the hormones. i was even weepy at one time after getting totally flustered trying to practice the haircut for the state board. i will not get technical, but i did not understand the requirements and i was convinced i was doing it wrong. i gave the senior instructor one of those really confused looks with tears in my eyes. It took me 2 and a half hours to complete a haircut that i am given 50 minutes to do. i know i can do it in 20, but for some reason, that ticking clock, the cut not looking right and me drifting off to hormone la la land was not a good combination. The instructor even said that was the first time she ever saw me get flustered like that. For some reason i felt like i was doing everything wrong and that i had wrecked the manikin. i did take off too much hair, but now i understand the end results of the cut and what i can do when i start it. i am going to have to purchase another manikin to be able to complete the course now and i was literally in tears curled up in one of the cutting chairs by the end. i could barely breath i was so stressed. There are a lot of things going on in my life, some i can talk about, some i do not have permission to mention.

My son arrives saturday evening for a three week visit. i wish i had the big screen tv, but it is sitting in Mistresses living room right now as i had to take it with me in april when i visited and still had a van. He likes to play video games and now we will do it on a much smaller tv. i used to have a 27 inch flat screen lcd tv as well, but a person i lived with for awhile decided not to give it back to me. Oh well i will survive i suppose. i can not wait for my life to get simpler this july when i return to Mistresses house permanently. So much less stress and i will not be Missing Her and riki.

One of those days for sure. i need to go shoe shopping soon as my clogs are on their last legs and i need a few new pair. Life is passing by fast that is for sure. Need to find a girl to go blouse shopping with me as i am pretty good on most things, but am having a bit of trouble matching clothing of late.

The days are getting closer to my return to West Virginia and i can't wait to finally get back there. it is a bit lonely being here waiting to finish school.

thats all the news that isn't

cynthia

 

License renewal fiasco...

i have a drivers license issued in the state of Missouri and it expires tomorrow. i go to the DMV this morning thinking i can pop in and get it renewed no problem...WRONG!!!

Since 9/11 the government has seized this opportunity to become more oppressive. i am not anti government by any means, but there are some times they have gone too far. In New York State, You now have to submit a social security card along with other points of identification. i do not understand why this is necessary as it can't be used as a form of identification and my military id card has my social on it. i then had to go back home and search for my social security card. i turned my house upside down literally and was way stressed out. i could not find it any where and so then went and spent an hour and a half at the local social security administration office to apply for a new one. 2-4 weeks, not good, but i applied any way as i will need one when i go to west virginia. i thought deep and hard and was trying to recall where or when i changed over wallets and it was in my dads POS van that is parked at the school right now until i can get it back home and get a ride back to get my other car. i looked in there on a whim and sure enough it was there and hidden in an inner pocket was my social security card. YAY. i get my haircut and then off to the DMV all happy. New haircut for the new license and everything was wonderful. i turn in all of the paperwork and the old license, my passport and i am just a happy camper and so relieved.

About 20 minutes later i am being beckoned to the front desk and the supervisor tells me, " i am sorry, but we can not issue you a license as it has been tampered with according to the Department of Homeland Security." WHAT!!!! they apparently send all applications for reciprocity through homeland security and they scanned my license 4 times all with the same result. Of course she did say she had never had that happen before. Welcome to my world sister. if i were in the middle of a shooting war with guns and cannons, i would be the one person that gets hit by an arrow. Just my luck. i now have to fax off a form to the state of Missouri to get a license abstract in order to get my license and i won't have that back at least until friday. The ladies were good at the DMV, maybe it was the tears in my eyes that did it. i don't know but my frustration was evident. i was polite to them as i understand that it is not their fault. You would think that after giving this country 20 years of my life they would cut a girl some slack.

The other interesting thing about me getting my license renewed is that i currently possess a commercial drivers license to drive tractor trailer. i had contemplated for days whether to give that up. When i inquired about it, apparently in the state of New York you now have to have a current DOT physical card in order to do that. WOW this state has gone so far out there. Yet as i near completion of my cosmetology training New York requires the least amount of schooling of all the states. Any way a decision was made for me and another part of my male past has been stripped away...

That was my day and i attended school all night to make up some of those hours. i enjoy school more than anything and it makes things better. Rachel helped to, it is nice to have a sister to talk with when things get a little rough. There is a large bathtub with my name on it full of bubble bath that is beckoning me...

cynthia

 

i seem to get all of the projects...

Of late, i have been the one to get the majority of the projects, women who need a lot done to fix their color. It is both a blessing and a curse. i feel blessed that they trust me enough to get the work done, but i feel cursed as most of these cases take upwards of 4 hours to complete the work. My name comes up often when the girls are inquiring about getting hair colored, not so often about cutting, i am not feeling the artistic side of this yet, but i think it will come once i get the mechanical out of the way. i have a long ways to go yet and know it will come. The extra 1000 hours in west virginia will hopefully boost my confidence loads.

A short day today after 13 hours at school yesterday. i am adding a picture here of my new haircut after a 13 hour day.

cynthia

 

Triumph or Tragedy

i have been out since the first of October and the two times i ran into family i converted back to male mode for. The first in November when my parents sold their house and the second on christmas eve to my brothers for a party. i am ashamed that i felt i had to hide. i walk out my front door each day and am full out cynthia and have not a care in the world. i knew that eventually i would run into someone from my past that had not seen me in full out female mode as i call it. i live this way now and am proud of who i am. Yet i have feared running into my family. i have not told them what i am doing and really do not seek their approval. i wish i had grown up in the loving environments that some i have met did. i am not close to any of them feel like a stranger when i am around them at all.

Today the inevitable happened and i ran into my middle brother and his wife at walmart. The conversation was very short and i could tell he was really uncomfortable seeing me the way i was dressed. Not over the top, but still very female. Sandals exposing my toes painted with metallic turquoise polish, denim shortalls with a bee hive appliqué on the front and honey bees in flight on the back pocket, white with pink stripes ladies tank top, womens hair cut, nails painted a pastel pink and two sets of ear rings, a diamond in the top hole of each ear and dangly pink hearts in the bottom hole. He sized me up quickly and when asked if i had called my dad for fathers day, he sort of delayed when he said the word fathers as he sized me up. i did not have to ask what he thought as i have sort of encountered his judgment before when i wore anklets that had a light pink stripe on the heels.

i did call my dad at the encouragement of a few good friends here. Take the high road so to speak, but i have them to thank for that as i have been quite bitter towards my own family. In a way i have lived life in slavery to their opinion and constantly seeking approval which i never got. The conversation was really benign and general in subject matter. The topic of how i was dressed never came up, but i am certain that i am not really invited around. i was asked to bring my son by, but as Mistress Michelle suggested, it might be best to call and let them know that this is how i live and if they are uneasy with it i can meet my mom some where to drop Daniel (my son) off.

i think i fear running into my older sister more than anything. Her words to me have cut deep many times. She acts later like none of it ever happened. i have been told that women hold grudges and i pass that test as well as i have held a grudge against her since February of 1987. i would share what happened on that day, but it will be in the blog in the next two days and i do not wish to give it away. Right now it seems like a feel good story but there are some twists ahead that will have you shaking your head and thinking, only cynthia could have this happen to her. my sister is the most two faced person i know and i can not stand to be around her. Always smug and rubbing in my face that she has a degree and i do not. How she has a college education and talking down to me. Even Mistress Rob who is working on Her second Masters and riki who has two degrees as well do not do that to me. i am treated with respect by them both and acknowledged for who i am. Intelligence can not be measured by a piece of paper on the wall but through actions. For the most part, i feel pretty smart and do what i can to ever improve myself, but when around her i feel so belittled. i am not treated like the rest of the family, kind of held at arms length.

This is what makes moving so easy for me. Sadly i do not have the sort of relationship where i could share anything and they would be fine with it. Maybe have concern, but that is all. i have nothing to look forward to here in upstate ny and only disdain for those that should be close to me. What did i gain from tonight, peace of mind i guess. i am not going to hide nor had i planned on it either. i have avoided them and will continue to do so as i don not seek confrontation. i love where i am headed and glad to be accepted for who i have become.

The gist of tonights rant is this. my family now knows of cynthia, or at least that i am living female or at least they should be able to put that together. Just one less hurdle to clear in this journey we call life...

cynthia

 

Feeling accepted

i continue to grow as a hair dresser and have a lot more school remaining as i will have to complete an additional 1000 hours in West Virginia. i am becoming quite enamored with color and color correction. It is incredible the projects i have had of late and last night no different. i color corrected a class mates hair and it was a four step process that was begun at 3 in the afternoon. i was able to color the roots and regrowth area with one formulation, then the ends with another to try and get one even tone. The result was close, i then pulled her hair through a cap and decolorized several strands to lighten them to a golden blond. Well in theory at least, normally depending on the starting color will dictate the end result. Hers was an orange blond that needed to be neutralized by toning with a color that had blue in its base. a mixture of two different colors and another 35 minutes and it was ready to be washed. 9 at night and i was finally finished. The result was a warm ashy blond with a light brown undertone. It really did come out nice and very rewarding to be able to do it.

i feel very accepted in this choice of careers and know i will do well. Life seems to be propelling me forward towards the 24th of July and my date with fate. i will finally live the life i was meant to have. Serving Mistress Rob and riki as their slave. An interesting title, but very fitting...

cynthia

 

Selfish today

Today i have decided it's all about me. but just for today. Tomorrow life returns to normal. i add a number to the age and it is just that, only a number. i have had to listen to Jimmy Buffett this morning and he has a song about most everything. Today it was, "i am growing older, but not Up." It is going to be a wonderful day and if you disagree you are not welcome in my world. LOL! Like i have told my classmate cheryl, it's all about me! and Mistress of course...

cynthia

 

Off i go,

i so wanted to bend the rules and wear a dress on this day, but have thought better of it. Thank You all for the well wishes. i might even treat myself to a piece of cake this evening. Will let Y/you all know in this never ending saga known as my life.

cynthia

 

Four more weeks!

Well hopefully. There is still the possibility that i will be short some hours and not able to graduate that day. There is also the possibility i graduate on the Friday and still have some hours to do on the Saturday. i am not worried either way i know it will be close. A few things might delay me. One being i have been asked to do hair for a wedding next Saturday that my dear friend Lindsey is the Maid of Honor in. She is in NY recovering from 3 surgeries on her brain and has been seizure free for a couple of days. i am so excited for this development and i should know later in the week if i am working on the wedding. That will be hours that i will need to make up, but so worth the delay in my departure. That girl has been such an inspiration to me and someone i would gladly give anything for her to have a few days of what most people take for granted.

i am getting excited right now, time is short before i will return to West Virginina. i am calling the state fair this week to find out the status on my application to work the fair during fair week so i can have a little bit of income for the summer before going to school in September. i have also talked to the school and supposedly there may be upwards of 75 applicants interested in starting in September. i am a little nervous about it as i have to go through an interview. The one thing that bothers me is that there are so few cosmetology schools in the area that they could actually delay my starting by a month or more. i am not at all happy about the situation as i have no idea what the criteria for admission is going to be. i have been proactive all along and have what i need to get into the school as far as immunizations and tb skin test results. They are not even accepting applications at this time. i do not have the name change yet either and hoping that i have the finances to complete it prior to entering school in september. i do not wish to enter the school under my male name, but will if need be as it is far more important for me to get through school.

The good news is i can actually at this point change my gender on my passport now that i am chemically transitioning and is on my list of things to accomplish in the near future.

Any way, four more weeks and i will finally be home serving as i was destined to do...

cynthia

[attachment=1577:at school2a.JPG]

 

Baseball game last night...

Last evening was another first for me as i went to watch the local class a affiliate of the St Louis Cardinals play at home in Batavia. i am amazed that such a small community has a class A franchise and there were nearly 1000 in attendance. Luckily they are affiliated with Rochester Community Baseball, owners of the Rochester Red Wings the Triple A affiliate of the Minnesota Twins. i digress...

Daniel, my 17 year old son was with me as we went after school was out. We shopped for some food as i am on a limited budget and took a few pounds of salted peanuts in the shell and a few bottles of water in my purse. i myself was wearing my bee hive denim shortalls for lack of a better description and pink plaid sneakers and a pink short sleeved blouse. Only eyes and lips for makeup as am sure i would melt in the heat and humidity. i had never been in a crowd like that and enjoyed my time. i was not bothered by any one and was able to enjoy the game with my son. It was interesting to see him, who had considered trying out for the high school team that he absolutely has no knowledge of the game what so ever. i was more shocked as he had talked at length about trying out and i did not realize he had no comprehension of the game at all. As i sat there answering his questions and feeling his becoming bored with the game it was difficult to understnad how he could consider trying out for a sport he has literally no comprehension of. It hurt in a way, but when he was young, try as i might, he expressed no interest. i even took him to the college world series one year to watch Notre Dame play. \

i love minor league baseball and watching the kids fight for time to develop and hopefully the dream continues. It was difficult after watching the home team jump to a commanding lead only to give up seven runs in the top of the sixth inning. A pitcher change at the beginning of the inning that saw the first 5 batters get on base safely and then the errors of the infielders that exacerbated the situation. The crowd who never truly embrace the players because they are constantly changing, expressing displeasure with the poor decisions and play of the pitcher and infielders. It is hard to not get caught up in the moment and realize that the purpose of this team is to develop players for the next level. Everyone wants a winner, but it is far more important at this level to prepare and evaluate players for their future in baseball.

i am not sure i will be able to give up my love of baseball, but at the same time i worked very hard to adopt those female mannerisms expected of a woman. i watched the women around me and observed how they sat and how they reacted to things on the field. It was a strange feeling to explore this side of me and at the same time express the femininity within. i actually thought which were more domineering and more submissive based on their language and actions. It is strange to see the mixture of personalities that attend these events. It was a great learning opportunity and another boost of my confidence as i mingled with the public in a crowd environment. i loved the experience and look forward to enjoying that again...

cynthia

 

Mistress Michelle,

OMG i would so love to attend a nascar race. Perhaps i might be able to suggest to Mistress that i be allowed to accompany Yourself and pet someday to one, that would be fantastic. Just a dream for right now, but one can dream... Can imagine how fun that would be and another first for me. Sorry You were bored with the game. my ex rarely if at all went to any thing i participated in and guilted me for stealing time from her. i so respect You for doing that to be with pet and only wish it could have been different. i doubt i will be asked to give up the game as well and i too love a good college football game in the fall. It has been a wonderful journey of discovery and confidence building.

thank You for the kind words.

cynthia

 

my name in lights...

One of the local gay friendly taverns has a monthly drawing for two people to be guest bartenders for one hour during the month. i had entered my name over a month ago during a girls night out. i got a phone call yesterday from the owner looking for cynthia. my phone message still carries my male name i think and so he left the message and was a bit confused. When i called him back to confirm it, he asked if cynthia could make it and i assured him that she would be there. It was kind of fun actually and i don't ever win anything of value. i have a short video of my name in lights i thought i would share. Kind of ironic, but will be fun. i tend bar with the normal bar tender from 7:30 till 8:30 at night on the Tuesday the 13th of July. i will report and place pictures of the venture here. just thought i would share that.

cynthia

[media]/home/cynthia/Desktop/MOV02119.MPG[/media]

 

color correction queen...

i feel like the color correction queen. Of late it seems that is all i have been doing is color and cuts. i am not complaining as i love color. i remain extremely busy at the school and have a huge project on my plate that is due in less than four weeks. i am just beginning the salon project this evening and know it will consume me for the next few weeks until i have it completed. Just a lot of research and putting together the data in a logical sequence and presentation form. i sat down and figured out my hours yesterday and know that i may graduate on the 23rd, but will need to attend school on the 24th for at least 3 and 1/2 hours to complete the 1000 hours.

The plan all along had been to depart here on the 24th of July, but i had not really thought that through fully and i realize there are some things i will need to do to get ready to leave and some of it is paperwork that i need notarized and will require a weekday to do that. i am now likely departing here on the morning of the 26th of July, two days later than expected. Better for me to ensure i tie up the loose strings as i do not intend to come back here afterwards.

i have heard from my mom three times in the last week and none of the calls were to wish me a happy birthday, but to see whether i had gotten my dad's old van to the garage because the insurance was about to expire. My youngest brother called yesterday and inquired about a storage unit i had up here that i had fallen behind on the rent and realized the value of what was inside was less than the rent. He is in the volunteer fire department with the owner and so that was my call from him to find out what i intended to do about it. Kind of hard to do anything actually when the resources are gone. Yes i have been lax at times in my communication, but it seems that i only hear from my family when they want something from me and nothing more. They are all getting together on the fourth of July at the campgrounds my parents stay at during the spring and summer, but nothing has been mentioned to me about it. The rest of the family will be there to enjoy fireworks and a huge get together. It is the holidays that i am hurt the most as i am truly reminded of how or where i stand with them as i will not have school and little to do but sit around and watch other families enjoy a barbecue and time of fellowship. i so wish i could just forget them and make it easier but i can not for some reason. i guess for me what has become extremely difficult is that i do not have the means to go out and enjoy the day and so remain home feeling miserable. i don't know why i am so wrapped up in this, but it sure helps drive home how easy it will be to not only give this house back to my father, but to leave without looking in the rear view mirror. There is no love lost and has been this way for nearly 30 years now and probably longer, just i did not have my eyes open to see it.

Didn't mean to cry on anyone parade, just sort of hit me. i will have daniel, my son here and not sure what we will be doing for the day. It is so hard having him here when i am attending school full time. i could spend more time with him if i decided to graduate later, but i do not wish to delay the day any more. i will leave the school one day later than expected as it is. Welcome to my world and i know there are still trials ahead of me that will test my resolve...

cynthia

 

Ms Linda,

i already feel better once i vented. i am looking forward to the life that lies ahead and have not lost sight of that. i appreciate the words of encouragement. Sometimes it helps me just to write how i feel down so i get it out of me. Don't really intend to bother another with my thoughts and appreciate those that wish to encourage. i could land neck deep in a pile of manure and still see the good that will become of the situation. Please do not think i am down as i remain upbeat and positive. Just a few moments of self pity is all.

BTW, i like the new picture at the bottom. is that You and Goddess Jen???

cynthia

 

Fireworks...

Last evening i attended a local fireworks display with my son. i wore the lovely blue dress that Mistress had purchased for me to attend the May day celebration in and sandals. i don't even think much these days of who might be in attendance and what people think. Not saying the thought does not cross my mind, but is not something i focus on and is more of an afterthought. Small town americana is where the display took place and after arriving there was a local band playing Leonard Skinner on stage in the park and i thought "oh great a redneck celebration." i was not bothered at all, probably got a few wayward looks, but i am so oblivious to them these days that i am not even aware that someone is staring. It feels so wonderful to be so free and not care really what others thnk when they see me. It is not like i am the bearded lady or anything, well sort of...

Yesterday was the great waxing project take 3 or 4, i forget now. Cheryl, my class mate and Athena, one of the girls behind me at school waxed my chest down to the navel again and my arm pits. i will say that it does bring a tear to me eyes, but at the same time i can not stop laughing as Cheryl is hilarious in her approach. She has decided now that she might make a good Dominatrix as she so enjoys watching me suffer as the strips are ripped from my flesh. Athena decided she wanted to renenact a scene from "40 year old virgin," and wax across my nipples, but was not paying attention at first to direction of hair growth, but Dominatrix Cheryl was sure to correct her and set her on her way. i feel so much better after it is done and the look is marvelous. i can not believe i subject myself to such torture. The arm pits were done as well and i like not having to shave them for a few weeks.

Some day i will have to share about having my nose hairs waxed as well. That is a tale for another day.

cynthia