Chastity during an argument

Seems to me that neither of you are really into chastity unless it’s convenient. It also sounds like communication isn’t your strong point. Talk it out. Let her know your thoughts and feelings, and ask her about hers. A calm, quiet, open, non judgmental conversation about anything and everything you want. Make sure you listen to each other to understand, and not to just respond. This makes a difference between a great relationship and just a dismal one.

 

I agree with CagedJohn. Chastity for us is 24x7, sick or not, good or bad. But there are far fewer arguments and disagreements (I can't remember the last one) since we've adopted chastity, tease & denial. Because I'm denied a minimum of 4 weeks at a time, I'm craving her and trying to please her constantly. That leads to few disagreements and a lot more give and take.

 

The first time we had a big disagreement (more than bickering but less than a full blown fight) I felt stupid being locked up while we were angry with each other. I had a moment where I thought I should just take the damn thing off, what’s the point. I realized it was a childish reaction; you made me mad so I’m going to do something extreme to show you just how mad I am. I stayed the course and things settled. In my situation chastity is now part of our relationship so it would be like taking off my wedding ring. I made a commitment and I’m going to stick with it, better or worse, and I remind myself that every time we argue.

 

More talk on how involved you two want the chastity to be part of your life. I have felt what your going thru in past. I now dont feel much urge to bump heads with my wife/keyholder being locked up 24/7 now.

 

Every couple is different. Going from unlocked to locked after some bickering raises a question for me. Did she do this as a way to punish you?

If you think that is the case, and that isn't your dynamic, politely ask. Who knows, it might actually be an attempt to engage in a form of intimacy that would bring you closer together. But, if it is some kind of punishment, (I would) talk about your concerns that it isn't being used in good faith.

My $0.02, talk about it. If she is being passive aggressive, it will only compound things if you do the same.

Don't rebel, discus.

 

Patients and you will get there in time

 

We're a bit newish to chastity but I have recently noticed a funny thing when my bf was whining about something (I'd asked him to do some chores BEFORE he watched a game, not after) and I started playing with his chastity key. It was actually an absent-minded reaction from me but I spotted him suddenly looking a little shy and he started rowing back on his protests. I clicked why and so acted a little stern like raised eyebrow, twirling his key around mildly amused as I repeated the chores I wanted done and even added a couple more. It was funny how meek he looked and how a grown man could submit so easily with just a timely reminder of his vulnerability to being kept longer in chastity if I was displeased.

Obviously I wouldn't abuse this in genuine arguments. But if I don't have time to argue little things I think I'm entitled to subtly remind him who holds his key!

If any veterans has any advice on this let me know!

 

@ManInSteelUK I can totally understand what you're writing.
From your writing I didn't get if you two are in a FLR or not. Therefore I don't know which part chastity is playing in your relationship.
Reading most of the articles at CM it seems that nearly no one runs into daily (relationship) problems, not sure if I can relate to this.
Most subs at CM seem to have a Full Time " Dominatrix", strict rules etc...

A FLR is after all still a relationship and therefore comes with all up and downs. In my case I nearly fucked up because I didn't put her as Nr. 1 like we both agreed. Being not the natural submissive I blaimed her as she could have brought me back on track by "simply" being more dominant.
But real life is much more complicated.
I think two things are helpful:
1. Good communication in times when there are no problems, to ..
2. establish habits/rules which get applied and are simple (!) to follow when something is wrong / you run into fights.

I have also asked myself how important chastity is to be a submissive. To me it feels still strange as we don't have "strict rules".
I see more benefits for me, than for her, as I get a constant reminder and think about her, but at the same time I also require much more attention from her, which might create pressure.
As mentioned in another topic I strongly believe that at least some sort of CNC / Consensual Non-Consent is needed to give your KH the trust and freedom that she has more options in real life situations and then educating yourself to follow through. Chastity and maybe some kind of rituals might help (Actions speak louder than words).

Looking back it seems that its easy to be submissive when everything is fine but in real life its much more difficult. In the end the sub should always (!) mostly take all the blame on him as very likely he didn't pay to much attention towards her.
In our case attention is also the main reason why we run into fights.

Feathers.sub

 

Now that you’ve had some time to think about it and you’re planning on going to counseling tomorrow I don’t think it would be a bad idea to lock back up. Like someone else here said it might have been her attempt at intimacy by having you lock up for her. Lock back up, put the key where it was and ask her if when you see the counselor that you go unlocked. If there’s something about you being locked that bothers you while in counseling I would voice that to her. In the meantime don’t give her a reason to not trust you as the whole reason you’re going to counseling is to work on your communication. It wouldn’t hurt you to put it back on, it’s just you wanting to be defiant in the moment. I’m know we’ve all been there at one time or another, relationships are always an evolving thing.

 

Sounds right to me

 

For us chastity is a way of life and part of the Femdom lifestyle. Chastity to us is not optional or only for days when you both feel good.

However, being chaste full time and in a FLR, then our arguments are very rare and usually about things like the way the table should be set, how to fill the dishwasher.

We handle the real life upsets in our stride, thinking more external things like family and work here, and we treat everything the same as if I were not chaste.

Your situation is obviously a bit different and you're seeing the cage as being a punishment.

A

 

I've talked to a chap on a chastity chat room whose marriage broke down - not amicably, and reasonably quickly - while he was wearing a Lori's device with a P.A.
It took a couple of months of negotiations before he was released; and he said no, there was nothing kinky about it. Just stress.

 

There's lots of guys on here would give anything for that - just being locked and controlled by a woman.

A

 

When you submit to chastity, surely there is implicitly a surrender of power to your partner? You can't just snatch it back when you wish. So I don't think the woman in this broken down marriage can be blamed by not immediately releasing his penis. It may have given her some feeling of safety and security in the post-marriage negotiations. I personally think she has a right to deny his release until all other factors are resolved in a way that she is comfortable with. Chastity isn't meant to be just a male fantasy. For me its meant to implicitly include a rebalance of power within the gender dynamics.

 

I have had this experience as well. We don't argue much but we do bicker when irritated or having just had a long day. People get on each other's nerves.

A couple of years back we had a very uncharacteristic fight and once sides were drawn I felt extremely stupid, embarrassed and I wanted nothing more than to get out of the cage. Maybe it was a fight or flight response? Long story short, it was a misunderstanding but I didn't help matters and it all blew up.

I didn't have access to the key, I wouldn't dare ask for the key at that point and I felt trapped. It was a new experience for me and one I have no desire to repeat.

 

We are similar except "WE made a commitment" to each other. The cage is just like another of the wedding vows - for better or worse, for caged, for ever....

A

 

Um... Handing over keys as part of a relationship is entering into an agreement that is void if the relationship ends.
What she did was undeniably morally wrong as he'd clearly withdrawn consent and she did not respect that. That's abuse.

 

He was unlocked in the end you said. The wife simply ensured things were resolved to a satisfactory conclusion for her. Smart women in my eyes.

 

relationships are dynamic. Chastity is a sexual game for some, lifestyle for others but still only for the sexual part of your relationship. FLR is something different. My feeling is if there is a disagreement about anything other then chastity play, the cage comes off. If it is about chastity you discuss it until resolved with the knowledge that the play may stop.

 

I tend to disagree. I don't take off my wedding ring, or throw away my engagement ring just because I've had an argument with my wife, so how is a cage different?

A

 

Went from take back the key.... to never being mentioned.... to now being threatened with Christmas and never.... but she wouldn't really. Chastity is part of our relationship not our arguments now. Illness matters not either. It's just how it is, how we are.

 

So have you resolved your differences yet? Best part is always making up.... Well it is if you're not caged.

A