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Chastity done without real domination.

Discussion in 'The Tower' started by Vinny, Nov 1, 2017.

  1. I play at being sexually submissive. Have done so for 47 years. In real life I am very assertive and alpha. Old school alpha, not the modern kind. :) Sort of an anachronism like a Bogart or John Wayne alpha male. Due to the stress of my job and a sexual experience in my young days, I find sexual submission to be both arousing and stress reducing. Very difficult to think about any problems while you are being whipped raw.

    Although we were mostly into BDSM with an emphasis on S&M, we successfully prevented it from spilling over into our regular married life where are roles were reversed. Chastity was a puzzle since I am locked up after sex too. What we do is basically agree on my orgasm denial period. For the first 4 years we negotiated it and I adhered to what was agreed to. This year I left it up to my wife and she wants only two orgasms in 12 months. Although I would feel more comfortable with 3-4 a year, an agreement is an agreement plus I always have my safe word if I find myself in physical or mental distress. Plus my wife will also monitor me to make sure I am OK. We do love each other after all and to us it is just sex play and not who we are or how we steer our marriage to as much extent as is possible under the circumstances.

    We also do not use sex as a currency. My orgasms and denial are not a punishment or a reward. What I do in our marriage will not affect our chastity play, at least to any significant effect. We are human and if my wife is pissed off at me the day before my release or sex, she is not going to be in any mood to do anything, but that is very short lived and no more than a few days delay. It used to be difficult to switch roles once outside of the bedroom but we have been at it for so long that it is natural for us now. Plus we both know what each other likes and stick to doing that unless we agree to something new to try.

    So I stay locked for about 95% of the time. I work from home and do not get out much due to problems with my feet which surgery hopefully will fix. My wife is handicapped so other than shopping for food and an occasional trip to a restaurant of friend's house, we stay home. That makes it very easy to remain locked. I am unlocked mostly for doctor and dentist visits. Wearing a chastity cage is no longer something that I think of much anymore. I am so used to sitting down that I instinctively sit as not to squash my testicles. I was peeing sitting down before chastity as old age plays tricks on you.

    Just wanted to put this out there for those couples interested in chastity without all the D/s, cuckolding, and FLR stuff where chastity often plays a part. Your wife does not have to become a dominatrix and you do not have to all of a sudden crave doing all the household chores and becoming a slave. You can lead your normal life and still enjoy chastity or any other fetish play. We did it for a very long time so I know it can be done. Do not let the blogs and chastity books scare you away. Do chastity your way. My wife could care less if I am locked up or not, as long as I do not masturbate. I am the one who wants the cage on as it provides me with extra stimulation and arousal. It is also a symbol of my promise to my wife just like my wedding band is.

    You do not have to lock up all the time. You can decide on a few weeks of lockup and orgasm denial and then when that is done, put off chastity until you are ready to do it again. Make your fetishes your own. I am pre internet so we had to do our fetish play according to our rules. Now you can find the same fetish "rules" or requirements on porn and many websites and blogs. It seems that too many adopt those readymade fetishes rather than do them the way they want to. Following someone else's idea of a fetish often leads to disappointment. There is no right or wrong way. If you want to top from the bottom and you both agree to it, then do it. Often it is necessary because it is a rare wife who knows how to do the things we guys like to have done to us. Someone has to teach her and who better than you. However, you will find greater pleasure when you both know enough that you can step away from teaching and just let her take over. I taught every "Mistress" I ever had. None knew how best to wield impact toys or how each feels. Most of all, girls tend to think our testicles are more delicate than they really are. I had to teach them the pain I feel is all out of proportion to the force of the impact. Not many women who love you will think to put cigarettes out on the head of your penis or nipples either. :) Someone had to teach them, so do not feel you are not doing it right if you need to start off topping from the bottom.

    Most of all, if it is not fun for both of you, don't do it. For us there is sex for making love, sex for fun and sex for fetish needs. All three have different dimensions and goals. I never cared if anyone thought I was not doing it by some unwritten rules. I never tried to fit in by pretending I was doing things that I was not. I never lived my sex life online. I simple am good at communicating and making my wife and former girlfriend feel comfortable doing the things I like to do. They always tried and if they did not like it, we found something else. I do not enjoy doing anything sexual unless my partner is also into it and having fun.
    Sarah8, Shimone, manintyres and 4 others like this.
  2. sounds like you have the type of relationship a lot of us would kill for.
    manintyres likes this.

  3. Vinny you are exactly right about people following rules as to what is or what isn't allowed and what things you have to do in your D&S or kink lifestyle.
    I've wondered about this before. I think the over riding driver behind this is mans need to follow things like sheep rather than questioning those who feel a need to assert their control.

    Following or feeling a need to follow fetishes or rules that might not really suit you or your partner is very typical human behaviour.
    Of course for some this fact can be taken advantage of to achieve much. One of my favourite Adolf Hitler quotes "it's lucky for leaders that men dont think"

    Oh by the way, there is actually no need to unlock for the dentist @Vinny@Vinny who on earth told you that you had to do that?
    manintyres likes this.
  4. Indeed, I stayed locked when I went to see her yesterday.
    manintyres likes this.
  5. If I was getting gas, I wouldn’t leave home without being caged lol
  6. Even more reason to if your dentist is female.
    manintyres likes this.
  7. On the topic, there are many cliches and stereotypes that seem to pop up as “musts” and “have to’s” .

    I see images on tumblr...rules for keyholders, and lists of things that subs must do. The reality is that most don’t do or desire to do those things, and it certainly doesn’t mean people are doing it wrong if they don’t.

    I will say that stereotypes are usually based on a small amount of truth. For instance, if you look on a femdom tumblr page you are bound to see countless images of women pegging their man, as well as comments that it is a necessity. My kh tried it, and she doesn’t do it anymore. Would it make feel more submissive...probably, but it’s not something she kept doing so it must not have been something she wanted to do. Would she feel more or less dominant if she felt obligated to do something she didn’t like just so she was doing it “right”? Yes it might make me feel more submissive, but it may also make her feel a loss of control by doing something she doesn’t want to.

    Am I “wrong” because I don’t want to dress in lingerie when we make love? Heck it’s on the list of what I’m supposed to do...is she wrong because she still allows me to cum? I can think of plenty on those lists that are technically true, and may make me more submissive, but it doesn’t mean we are doing it all wrong if she doesn’t use me as a toilet. She has picked some stuff up from these type of fantasy pics/lists, because 1. She thinks it works. 2. She likes it. The rest are like sex toys that didn’t live up to expectations, sitting at the bottom of the drawer.

    I find it funny that FLR seems to usually revolve around total obedience, physical punishment, cross dressing, and finding a lover...I have been in male led relationships my whole life and it never revolved around telling her what to do, smacking her around, dressing her as a man, or nailing some hottie while she watches.

    I think our key holders see these stereotypes/fantasies and pick and choose which ones they like and disregard the rest. That I think is what most relationships do anyway.
    manintyres and Usedby like this.
  8. If you have to unlock to go to the dentist I'd like the name of your dentist. Gives whole new meaning to oral exam. :p

    In all seriousness @Vinny@Vinny I think this is a great post. While you're advocating against the "must do's" I actually think reading this post should be a "must do" for the new to chastity. For my wife and I our relationship has created itself organically. There have been bumps in the road, setbacks and things that end up "at the bottom of the drawer". We have ended up with many of the things you say that not everybody needs, but it's because it works for us. Not because it's a per-conceived notion.
    manintyres likes this.
  9. My wife teases and denies my orgasms because she knows that's what I want, but she is not a dominatrix and would never do anything to hurt me. She is somewhat dominant in the sense that she likes to get her own way. I'm OK with that because I trust her judgement. Life is good.
  10. I unlock for the dentist because I have no control over the position I am put into. I have a lot of dental problems and spend up to two hours in a chair. When something starts to hurt as happened to me, I cannot just up and leave to adjust things or take it off. Most times I am sedated partially so I am out of it and not a good idea after a few bad experiences. We are not fanatics about lockup even though I am locked up 98% of the time. It is not the cage that keeps me chaste but rather the promise to my wife. These days I could probably not have a problem anymore as I have not had a problem being locked in a very long time but with Nitrous oxide and a few valiums in me, not a good idea to be locked. A few weeks ago I was chair bound for two hours for surgery and a root canal. Seems that an old tooth with a root canal got infected and they had to cut my gum open to clear out the infection and then stitch it together. Just not a good idea in those circumstances and I assure you, I will not masturbate when unlocked at the dentist. :)

  11. Vinny have you been reading other peoples replies to your posts?
    And now even replying to one.....I really hope you're planning to make a habit of this.
    Love it.

    I think your opinion about being unlocked during visits to the dentist is very valid.
    However if my man wanted to be unlocked for the dentist I would simply say no. in fact he wouldn't even ask.

    As for masturbating at the dentist. I'm sure there are some members here that might.

    Anyway thank you for reading and replying to my post.
    Vinny likes this.
  12. You marriage comes first and most of it is not sexual. You can go into and out of sex roles as the mood strikes you as we did. We did some heavy duty stuff but it was planned scenes most times and we did not let it bleed over into the rest of our marriage. It ended at the bedroom doors or BDSM, swinging or key club. It did not define our marriage and although I can be very sexually submissive during sex, I am the complete opposite once sex is over. My wife is the same. Domme in bed and submissive sweet loving wife outside of the bed. We make it work and no need to live our sex lives online. Just do whatever you like in bed. That will normally satisfy your fetish. If you need to be a slave 24/7/365, there is something more than a fetish going on. If I am wrong, point me to a few married couples I can talk to that are long married doing it that way. I have never seen a marriage last very long as done like some post in real life although I assume there are some who manage it.
  13. I would have liked your response to the reasons for being uncaged at the dentist, but they made me cringe. I'm a dental coward and have to be numbed for just my regular cleaning. Based on that I felt I couldn't "like it", but I understand it. I actually went to my dermatology appointment caged and was seen by a PA instead of my usual doctor. Her inspection was much more thorough and had me down to my underwear. Was kind of nerve wracking, but I don't think I was discovered. Brought home the better safe than sorry moto.

    In regards to the slave 24/7/365 comment I agree that being a slave all that time is not doable. There are times where my wife wants me to take the lead on things, but she tells me to. For example I am responsible for planning our family vacations. She just wants me to do it and not consult with her on all the details. On the other hand I am expected to be on call 24/7/365 to do her bidding. I can't say "fix your own snack, I'm busy planning our vacation". Works for us, makes us both happy.