Chastity > Counselling

Discussion in 'Journals and blogs' started by Caesura, May 29, 2023.

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  1. Caesura
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    TL;DR My partner has given me his sexuality. It is a positive force, a "love engine" in our relationship, and makes him more romantic and attuned to my wishes and needs. His "excess" sexual energy brings us closer together. Chastity gives me more freedom and confidence. This is our (or maybe mostly my) journey.

    Ever since we married eight years ago, my partner and I have experienced challenges in our relationship concerning differences in sex drive. He has a greater need for a sexual connection than I do, both physically and emotionally. This has caused us much grief, where we both have felt insecurity and guilt for not being enough or being too much for each other. He longed for his sexuality to be a positive force for me personally and for our relationship, and introduced me to male chastity three years ago as a means to try to make our different sex drives work better together. I liked the idea but, had a hard time taking charge and embracing the power and freedom he was offering me in giving me his sexuality. After many ups and downs and countless hours of talking through challenges, solutions and difficult emotions, we are currently in a more stable and sustainable chastity dynamic than ever before.

    I wanted to start this journal as a means to process and document our journey, and my own experiences in particular. Also, I know my partner will appreciate reading what I post. I'm not sure how regularly I will manage to post updates, knowing myself they will probably come in waves

    To explain the title of this thread: We have for a long time been talking about trying couples therapy to work through the challenges in our sex life. About six months ago we had our first session with a counselor, and lets just say that after three sessions we were not impressed. Our counselor is probably doing a great job for other couples, but he was not a good fit for us. So we put the therapy on hold, along with most everything else, because around this time we also had our first child. You would think having a baby would induce further problems, frustration and alienation between us, but we are now almost closer than ever. And that is, as far as I can tell, thanks to chastity.

    My partner is not allowed to give himself sexual pleasure unless I give him explicit permission (which I seldom, if ever, do). The physical intimacy we have is based on my terms, and he must be prepared to go for long periods of time between orgasms. That being said, I enjoy his orgasms too, so he usually gets one every once in a while when we are intimate. When I am his only source of sexual pleasure, his excess sexual energy gets focused on me. It makes him more observant of me and my needs, and more romantic and caring in small, everyday things. I like to call his sexuality our "love engine" for this very reason, and it helps to keep us closer together emotionally. If he ever masturbates or fondles himself, he knows the consequence is a long period of time without any orgasms, and maybe without or with less frequent intercourse and other physical intimacy as well. When he knows that I will be true to the promised consequences it helps him to resist the temptation to pleasure himself, as it is not worth the price he has to pay! He also wears a cage most of the time, both to help him to keep his hands to himself, and to remind him that his sexuality is mine. If there is something I need or want from him, like watching the baby so I can have the evening to myself, changing tires on the car or cleaning the kitchen, it is in my power to tell him to do so. We do not need to discuss how it fits with his schedule (but I have no need to dominate him so much as to purposefully denying him activities I know are important to him), or whether he wants to do it or not. If he does or says something I am not happy with, it is also in my power to deny him sexual pleasure and release, to prevent similar things happening in the future.

    You are welcome to follow along on my (our) journey, and feel free to ask questions or share thoughts and experiences along the way!
     
  2. tomf_22033
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    tomf_22033 Long term member

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    Counseling can be very helpful or as you found a waste of time. I have PTSD from a workplace violence incident. Following the incident I worked with a trauma specialist. He was great and saved my life.

    The tough part was he was great at what he did but he wasn’t right to help me after getting past the trauma recovery stage. I also wound up moving so timing was great. After moving I spent time looking for a new PTSD specialist. It took months but I found some who is amazing.

    I mention this as while waiting wasn’t easy it was so worth it. Finding her wasn’t easy. I spoke to lots of people, got referrals, and made it sort of a job as I knew how important it was to get help and recover.

    Anyway what I’m getting at is, counselors are people and everyone is different so you have to find one that is right for you and right for you where you are at the stage of life you’re at. And don’t be afraid to change when the time is right.

    When looking, I made a list of questions. I wanted to know what they were like. How much PTSD they dealt with, and if they were kink friendly. Being bisexual and poly I wanted to know if they were accepting of these lifestyles as I once met with a counselor who was ultra religious and was very judgmental. To say it was a waste of time and I only saw her a few times was too kind. The good from it though was that it taught me that I needed to find the right people to help me!

    So my advice is if you are going to get counseling take the time and find the right one. It’ll pay off many times over!
     
  3. captivatedbyher
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    captivatedbyher romantic want to be

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    Wow Caesura, you sure seem to know what you want! That in and of itself is sexy! The difference in sex drives can be hard to handle and it seems male chastity can offer some help. My wife and I struggled with this dynamic as well. I look forward to hearing how your journey unfolds.
     
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  4. Caesura
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    Thank you for sharing, @tomf_22033! I'm glad that you have found the help you need. If we try couples therapy again in the future, we will definitely spend more time finding a counselor that connects with us.

    @captivatedbyher It has definitely been a journey for me to figure out what I want (and even now, I don't always know). Throughout my life I have usually not been very much in touch with my emotions, and always looking for the "right answer" to a situation rather than figuring out what I want or trusting my instincts. To make chastity work for us, I have needed to become more aware of what I want, and practice making decisions based on what I want instead of what I believe is "correct" or "right". As a "vanilla keyholder" it is easy to fall into the trap of thinking "what does my partner want me to want" or "what SHOULD I want", even if I don't always realize it. I have come a long way, and it is now much more natural for me to think "what do I ACTUALLY want" than it was a few years ago!

    My partner is more in tune with his emotions and wants than I am with mine, so I have grown a lot by talking to him. He has also been so supportive of me growing comfortable in a more dominant role, so without his support and patience I would never have grown as much as I have!
     
  5. Jay Sub
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    Jay Sub Married with Cage

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    Mistress Alisa www.alisacoaches.com
    Podcast1: Heart and Soul
    Podcast2: Kink Friendly

    She is well worth listening to, and perhaps contacting. She is a Kink Councillor (not qualified) who won't judge your dynamic. Really great advice.
     
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  6. captivatedbyher
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    captivatedbyher romantic want to be

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    Caesura, I like your thinking! It seems that you and my wife are in the same situation: the men need to back off and give you ladies room. Perhaps the best counsel will come from yourself, and your partner will be blessed as the two of you learn together. I don't know what it is, maybe someday you can explain it, but many of us men think it's exciting to place our sexuality into the hands of a woman for her pleasure and benefit.
    What do you call "long periods of time"?
     
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  7. Caesura
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    When I say long periods of time, I'm thinking of a month or more without an orgasm. That being said, his record is a little more than a month, and he has only gone that long once. I do not have a need for him to necessarily go long periods without coming, but I need to know that I have the freedom to do so if I feel that is what I want or need. And sometimes he needs the threat of going that long to keep him from doing things he shouldn't ;D Currently, if he masturbates he will have to go three months, and fondling gives him one month. If he complains about doing chastity or express a negative attitude to any of my decisions, he will get one week. And in general, I am free to impose sex free periods whenever I see fit. For example, not so long ago he left our pillows out on the porch in the rain, which gave him one additional day added to the sex free period he was already serving.

    Lately he has gotten one or two orgasms a week, which I would consider to be quite a lot :p I consider an orgasm every one or two weeks to be pretty normal / not especially long time, although my husband would probably describe it otherwise!
     
  8. ChasteJase
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    I really like what you have shared here and find your words very enlightening. I am mostly commenting to encourage you to keep sharing and so I will be notified of updates in the future!

    I especially like the following:
     
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  9. knightly
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    knightly Long term member

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    @Caesura, thank you for posting your journal. I would be interested in your thoughts (if you want to invest the time and these resonate with you) on several things we found helpful.

    First was Uniquely Rika (my summary here: https://www.chastitymansion.com/for...-women-into-chastity.49979/page-2#post-607262)

    Book here: https://www.amazon.com/Uniquely-Rik...85729150&sprefix=uniquely+rika,aps,152&sr=8-1

    She talks about an FLR dynamic (that really resonated with my wife) that uses things like chastity as gifts to help support the dynamic.

    And recently I came across the concept of Erotic Blueprints, which can help individuals understand their desires and sexual needs (5 different blueprint types defined) and partners understand each other. I just started looking into it so don't have a lot of detail. I took the quiz and the results were interesting, especially the alignment of the "shadow aspects' of each type - which is where couples therapy would align to untangle things from emotional and physical trauma, shame, etc that would prevent full expression of the superpowers that each type has. I posted some about it here:

    https://www.chastitymansion.com/for...xhausting-for-a-wife.51272/page-2#post-618253

    (with some links provided in that post). By understanding our type and partners, we can begin to better articulate what we like, and what they like and how to provide it. For example, I think chastity is a big winner on the "he has more need for sex than me" because it's an always on thing. For me, I don't need "regular" sex and orgasm all the time ("sexual" blueprint type), but do need the play, variety and lots of activity. I'm with you, let's build up that sexual energy! ...but that desire aligns to a specific blueprint type. Knowing that, my wife can tune into my specific needs and not assume what I want. She used to think me having an orgasm was what i needed...far from it, let's play in that space, build up the energy and put it on her and other activities (and that's still having sex or meeting the sex need!). Likewise, I can understand and tune into her specific needs, without giving her what I think she wants as seen through the lense of making assumptions based on what I want.

    I'm curious to see if any of this resonates with you or is helpful.
     
  10. tomf_22033
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    tomf_22033 Long term member

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    Thanks. As I said, it wasn't easy finding the right counselor but it's been worth it.

    Likewise the PTSD therapy has been A LOT OF WORK. But again so worth it. Having a counselor who is willing to put in the effort, is on top of the latest therapy and knows how to see what works and how to get me to get the most out of it is amazing.

    I will say, that I plan before my sessions. I have notes on what I want to work on, discuss, etc. I then try to listen hard, and also push my counselor to push me. Finally I try and make time afterwards to reflect and to let what we discuss sink in. I've also used EMDR, Brainspotting and other stuff that has helped.

    It's funny but when I started we talked about my kinks, bisexuality and poly relationships. For the last few years we've worked hard on my deeper issues and just recently we are back to discussing kinks and relationships at a deeper level. It's both nice and scary. Nice in that I trust her and know that anything I say is between us and she hasn't and won't judge me. And scary as talking bout private stuff is hard no matter how much you've done this.

    So to anyone reading this, I say, take your time, find someone that is a good fit for you. Don't just go to the first person you find. Be willing to put in the work, and know it's n to easy. In fact at times it's quite painful. But like all good things worth it, that pain dan and usually does bring growth and healing.
     
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  11. ChasteHubby2015
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    ChasteHubby2015 Male Feminist

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    It’s great that you’re punishing any of his misbehavior with extended chastity enforcement. You wrote on another post a while back that in addition to imposing a 3 month chastity sentence, “I have made it clear that if he ever pulls out of his device and masturbates, I will ask him to book an appointment with a piercer. Not because it’s something I'm especially into, but because it will be a violation of my trust and show that he can't be trusted not to pull out on his own.” I take it that you still stand behind this, but that he has never crossed this line out of fear alone, is that right? “If he complains about doing chastity or express a negative attitude to any of my decisions, he will get one week.” Have you ever had to add a week to his chastity for this? You’re absolutely correct, one or two orgasms a week is normal and not denial at all, unless he’s young in age and used to masturbating daily; nonetheless, either he’s been very obedient or you’ve been very generous, or maybe both.
     
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  12. Caesura
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    Thank you for sharing resources that have been helpful to you! I read your summary on Uniquely Rika, and I feel that there are several thoughts and perspectives that I can relate to. I'm not sure I will take the time to read her book in a while, but it is nice to know it exists :) My current reading list consists of books about children's developmental psychology and how to cook healthy baby food, and it will last me for a while ;P And interesting with the erotic blueprints too. I am familiar with the 5 love languages, and it makes sense that there exists something similar for what turns you on. I know for a fact that at least me and my partner differ in what turns us on.

    We haven't been doing this exact scheme of punishments for very long, maybe three months or so. So I haven't given him a week for complaining yet. That being said, I have sometimes asked him "Was that a complaint?" to something or other he said, and he always assures me that no, it was not ;P It works as a fun way to remind him to stay positive. He is very kind and trustworthy, and it is very important to him to keep to his word. So he is very obedient, yes. And I know that if he does something he shouldn't, he will always tell me. His honesty has been paramount for me sticking to chastity, I don't think I would have had the energy or motivation to "force" him to be chaste if I suspected he would be looking for loopholes and hiding his transgressions.
     
  13. Caesura
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    On motivation.

    Our chastity journey has had its ups and downs in the three years we've been at it. The pattern has often been that it works well for some months, followed by a period where we lose our flow, my partner masturbates and we in practice stop doing chastity all together. We've talked a lot about why these down-periods occur, and what we can do to prevent them. Common for our bad periods is that they seem to coincide with a lack of motivation, and also often with challenges in other areas of life, like problems at work or other obligations.

    Doing chastity is a big sacrifice for my partner. Not that he doesn't get a lot in return, but that doesn't change the fact that it is challenging for him to give up control of his sexuality. The costs are mostly short term in the form of less sexual pleasure and release, while the benefits are more long term: his sexual energy is a positive force for me and our relationship, which fuels closeness and more everyday intimacy and romance. To know that chastity benefits me is a big part of his motivation to keep going, so if he for some reason starts to doubt that I appreciate him being chaste, or that I am just doing it for his sake and not my own, it can be difficult for him to find the strength to keep going. And when his motivation runs low my own tends to do so as well, making it harder for me to be strict and enforce the rules necessary to help him stay on the straight and narrow.

    For me it often feels like this: I know that my partner wants to practice chastity if that is what I want, but do I really want it THAT much that it is worth adding to his burden by being strict? If he has a lot of other things going on in his life as well, like an upcoming deadline for an important project, I feel that I will only make his life more difficult if I am strict, while being lax on the consequences for any transgressions will make his life easier. For this reason I have often ended up not adhering to the consequences we've agreed on, which has only made our chastity practice slip out even further. Because when I don't enforce the rules, it feels like this for my partner: "Well, if I masturbated and she ended up not punishing me for it, that must be because it isn't really that important to her that I am chaste. Maybe she only agrees to practice chastity because she thinks it is what I want." And thoughts like these damages his motivation even more.

    I won't claim we've solved all issues around our bad periods, but one thing that has been key is stability. To achieve stability, I need to stand firm on the consequences of him transgressing, and he needs a good cage for when his willpower is not enough for the honor system to work. I have gradually come to the conclusion that chastity is doing so much good for our relationship and our marriage, and this realization makes it easier to be strict when it is necessary. I won't claim to always stand firm as a rock, as being dominant is not really my natural state of being, but the more I have grown in this regard the more I see how it makes chastity more stable for the both of us. It is easier for me, because I don't always have to evaluate if it is "worth it" or not to stick to the consequences, and easier for my partner because he knows what to expect and doesn't have to wonder if I really mean the things I say and decide. So even if I sometimes might have to be strict and enforce upon him something harsh when he is already struggling with challenges in other areas of life, I know the short term discomfort is an investment in the long term happiness and intimacy in our marriage. This is something I try to remember, and which helps me grow into the firm and confident keyholder that I want to be.
     
  14. knightly
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    knightly Long term member

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    Well said, thank you for the thoughts. I think our dynamic is similar...ups and downs, especially for me when work or something get stressful, employee issues, deadlines, economy, etc. Lately we've been going through a similar "off" phase and figuring out how to get back on track.

    Her being lax is not the solution, For me, I want it to matter to her that my energy, sexuality and "sacrifice" is wanted and valued by her.

    The fight with a dragon may not go so well sometimes, and may be a stressful event that I need to recover from. But I want to know that the fact that I do it, and sacrifices I make for my queen, and commitments I live up to, mean something to her. Otherwise, it's not as meaningful to go out and slay dragons, be a strong knight, and I might as well sit at the pub and have a beer.

    Of course, we should be doing these things for our own self worth, goals and purpose in life as men, but doing this for our woman makes it that much more special, fun and meaningful.

    Being strict isn't mean, it gives us purpose.
     
  15. ChasteJase
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    ChasteJase Long term member

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    I can only speak from desire and not experience at this time, but this line really resonated with me because I for one would paradoxically hate the strictness and yet be comforted by it all at the same time. I think most of us would prefer the KH to stick to her guns and make no exceptions, as opposed to being lenient and (perhaps mistakenly) demonstrating that she doesn’t care or is not serious about the dynamic. It likely in those trying times that you are truly demonstrating that this is real, and that is what we crave.
     
  16. Xileh
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    Xileh Happily Serving

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    This is hugely important. It is to your credit that you recognize this. It takes time, but when you make the transition from “I’m doing this because you asked” to “I want this”, you are about to unlock and realize your potential.

    Consistency is the key.

    I believe this to be true. If both of you are communicating about your relationship on a regular basis, you have already improved your marriage. Chastity and FLR provide a solid framework to reach a point in your relationship where you are very happy about the things most couples never come to agreement on.

    Do you think he has submissive tendencies?
     
  17. knightly
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    knightly Long term member

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    What is his typical level of sexual/physical activity by/with you? How much teasing and play in between orgasms do you give him? Like daily, several times a week, and what sorts of activities do you like to engage in (e.g. full body touch, avoiding or focusing on genitals, unlocking and play/edging)? This is in the context of getting his needs met (which I know can also come from him giving you pleasure).

    I ask because we're going on a long lock-up (3 months...4 days left!) and I'm curious about women's perspectives on how that could go. Lock and forget vs lots of teasing and play, have him solely focus on her?

    Thank you for your thoughts.

    PS from my perspective, my wife at first was hesitant to go more than a few days between giving me an orgasm, then eventually got more comfortable denying me...now with the 3 months I think she's liberated from having to worry if she's "doing it right". For me, I think an average of 6 weeks is good between orgasms. That means it could be a few days one time, and then 2 months another. Keep me aroused, guessing, and wrapped around her finger and all my attention is focused on her.

    Lock and forget or don't at least minimally meet my foundational needs here and it becomes a struggle for me. This goes hand in hand I think with your post about the up and down periods. This 3 month lockup started wonderfully, but then turned into a "down" and losing our flow. Not because I masturbated or had an orgasm, but because I think of a breakdown in expectations and communication.
     
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  18. littleguy3
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    littleguy3 Adoring husband

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    I'm also curious! I hope you get an answer to your questions. But how would you answer these questions? How has it affected your 3 month stint?
     
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  19. ChasteHubby2015
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    ChasteHubby2015 Male Feminist

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    Your explanation is outstanding and it appears you have it figured out perfectly. Him going through an unrelated stressful situation is really no reason for him to be permitted to masturbate, and you’re not unkind or unsupportive for enforcing that, because beyond the benefits to you and your relationship, it’s also for his own good. Have you considered getting him pierced and locked in a more secure chastity device? Doing so would help to remove any chance of him succumbing to temptation when the urge is too strong.
     
  20. littleguy3
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    I'm with @ChasteHubby2015 on this one. You are doing him no favors by allowing him out of chastity during busy times of his life. The temporary relief from masturbation quickly turns into a drop in energy that lays much longer. He'll rebound much faster and be back in your arms much sooner if you keep him chaste. It is best for him because it's best for your relationship and in the long run you'll both be much happier. He needs your help during the tough times.
     
  21. knightly
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    I'd like to get some conversation going about this. I agree about chastity being a good way to help avoid 'temptation' and old habit ways of dealing with stress, anxiety, etc. But there maybe needs to be a balance. Swinging the other way into total "lock and forget" is equally damaging.

    Physical intimacy, expression of our sexuality and connection with our partner is a fundamental foundational need along with emotional support to get through stressful situations in life (e.g. work). @littleguy3 , it sounds like you guys have found a strong balance of this and recognition of the need for the physical intimacy.

    What are thoughts on a good balance and activities to do, while locked, to meet those foundational sexual needs without catering to the "old habits of self soothing through sex"?

    I think I struggle with asking to have needs met, what are the appropriate do's and don'ts and needs/desires to satisfy, boundaries, etc. In this new way of thinking, being locked is very helpful to avoid temptation and remind me of my higher goals. But then I may take it too far into not feeling comfortable asking for sexual activity, though deeply need the connection.

    I'd love to get people's thoughts!
     
    littleguy3 likes this.
  22. Xileh
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    Xileh Happily Serving

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    For us, realizing sexual activity and male orgasm do not have to be linked was a revelation. She now initiates sex far more frequently than before chastity. That satisfies our need for connection and took care of being locked and forgotten.

    Actually, I am less stressed since I quit focusing on my own orgasm. I am still constantly aroused, but more satisfied. That may sound strange and I am still figuring it out.

    She is the one to answer this question. Are you able to get together on a regular basis to talk? We find that helps a lot. I think better communication has helped us tremendously in all aspects of our relationship. Our FLR has provide the structure for us to improve communication and understand those needs and desires.
     
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  23. littleguy3
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    littleguy3 Adoring husband

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    @Xileh answered this question perfectly for us as well. This has been our experience too. Our sexual activity is much more frequent and our intimacy & connection has never been greater. The sexual frustration is significant at the time when she's teasing me, but there is also intense pleasure that comes with that. I quickly turn my focus on pleasing her and end up being more satisfied as well.
     
    Stephplayswithyou and Xileh like this.
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