Chastity as emotional labor

I think I’m the opposite. I’ve always wanted to ‘lighten the load’ long before any chastity. I feel chastity just heightens my awareness. The sexual aspect is not the forefront in my opinion. Many times I’m the rock in the emotional aspect of our relationship. And sometimes that’s what she wants. Life forces us to swap/share roles as need be.

 

This is how I feel too.

 

I’m late to this thread, but it is something I’ve really got an interest in.
I read an article which a wise friend shared on Facebook about Mental Load (https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&source=web&cd=&ved=2ahUKEwiCuZ6ojN_fAhUHSxUIHSF6ApEQzPwBegQIARAD&url=https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic&psig=AOvVaw19xi4bbILn-CBhaH8Tbdqy&ust=1547068206160841)
And it changed a huge amount about how I viewed myself, and most importantly my relationships. Mental Load, in this article, mainly refers to chores. The having to ask the partner to do X, or remind them why Y is necessary, or to work out that for Z to happen on Thursday, A,B & C have to happen first... that’s all true, and it is almost always silent, unseen, unpaid, under appreciated, and women’s work. This has been true of every single heterosexual sexual relationship I’ve discussed this concept with. But it goes further; when one person “isn’t good at budgeting” or “isn’t good at keeping track of appointments” or “isn’t good at any planning”- it all falls to the other person, not just the job, but the responsibility. The responsibility is the biggest part.
I’m a senior manager. When I met my boy, I was a single mum with bills and a mortgage and childcare providers and I love a long way from my family. Every single thing in my life is my responsibility- the bills getting paid (both financially and logistically), pup getting fed and clothed and sent to school and raised, the chores, fixing things, building things, rewiring things, organising the birthday parties, organising my ex husband to come and spend time (he was/is absolutely useless, never shows up on time, never said when his plans changed, never helped out with homework, or trips, or planning buying uniform etc. Useless). So everything was on me. I met my 9 years younger partner, he’s house trained, he cooks, he does laundry, but he does stuff as it occurs to him, he pays bills when he can, if they’re late they’re late, if he runs out of cash he eats less, his landlord fixes things... no responsibility. When we move in, I’m “good at things” he is “not good at things” and I end up with the entire of the mental load: domestic mental load, child care responsibility, and all the responsibility for my team at work. But here is where I find chastity is interesting:
I found the mental load massively exhausting, fucking awful, but the thing was- I couldn’t put down any responsibility, because there was no one who would be was able to pick it up; but I couldn’t control everything either- at work I’m part of several larger systems, I rely on others, I am responsible for dealing with huge amounts of shit that I can’t prevent; at home, I’m responsible for all the ML, but I can’t manage all the physical side alone, and planning is like pissing in the wind if everyone else just does what they want when they want, and my ex would never bother to coordinate- so huge responsibility- no power. It sucked.
Sub/Dom relationships without FLR were worse still- on top of the above, I’m now in charge of all of sex. Great. I’ll just act hugely turned on by whatever I think he wants me to pretend to want to do to him... while just fucking wishing that the dishes were done so I didn’t have to face them, and that we could cuddle more, argue less about housework, and that I could find time to even play alone in the mornings, because he’s not horny when I am, and I’m so busy doing everything that he’s usually got bored and masturbated before I get a look in.
It really fucking sucked.
Then he suggests FLR- at first I’m really unsure; so now I’m entirely responsible for him too? And his cock? And what if he gets snappy and moody like last time? And...
we talked. A lot. Night after night. And he started the honour system, and he stuck to it so hard. And he was *so* fucking sweet. And he suddenly didn’t care if he washed the dishes 3 nights in a row. He suddenly was sexually available *WHENEVER I WANTED* and I can just Tell. Him. What. To. Do. So I have the responsibility, but now I have the power to manage the responsibility. I can just tell him to sort this out, go buy that, get such a thing done... and it’s done. I can even tell him he’s responsible for something, and he has to manage it. It’s lifted the load hugely!
And the emotional load too. I have always had anxiety on and off, and two years ago I had a breakdown (mental overload), I’m prone to overthinking- before, I’d be trying to plan everything, keep it running, and I’d be trying to work out which bit of the evening to subtly prompt him to do something without getting pissy or sad, so I’d think about 8 million variations of the conversation, or not bother, and I’d be sad and exhausted without saying a word to him. Now, that’s not my problem. He does what he’s told. We have a system of days as rewards and breaks if needed (see my dog days post) and I trust him to call halt if he’s unhappy- until then it’s my way.
It’s so relaxing. It’s also tracing me to recognise mental and emotional load in my other relationships- I don’t need to take on everything that my whole family can’t or won’t do, I’m not responsible for everyone’s happiness, and other people can work out how to sort things out if I don’t second guess their feelings.
It’s hugely freeing.
So yes, FLR and chastity should include emotional and mental labour, and if you are giving her responsibility for providing your kink without full power to lighten her load- sort your shit out, or pay someone.
Give her the confidence to tell you what to do, by gladly and joyfully doing it. Offer to do it, ask to do it, do it without being asked and without keeping tally for reward.
I don’t ever want to go back, and I don’t think it’s even tipped the chore balance entirely his way; it just takes my invisible management chores into account and recognises the work I do.
If anyone made it this far, I’d love to hear how you manage mental load and power systems in your relationships?

 

From the other side of the FLR the sub needs to be accountable. If the Domme is managing the relationship the sub must let her, and he must be willing to do the things she asks. The accountability is for the sub to manage not the Domme, If he is not accountable then whole thing is just more of a burden on the her. My wife still does a fair share of things around the house but I have absolutely taken on more of the load. The difference is she is free to delegate anything to me at anytime and I do my best to get it done. Now that we are in an FLR when I don’t do as she has asked she has tools in her toolbox to deal with the lack of compliance, and I do not find these tools to be fun.

 

We enjoy a strong partnership. We share responsibilities based on our skills and the things we enjoy. I am also expanding into her traditional roles and I look for opportunities to help her out. It is one of the ways I show my love for her. I try to anticipate her needs without her having to ask. Sometimes she does ask. I’m happy to help when she does.

For example; I spent today running errands for a dinner she is putting on for her friends. She didn’t have to mange every detail. I delt with it. I would rather have spent the day in my shop machining parts for a project. I know it helped her out though.

I feel to succeed, I need to relieve both the mental and physical burdens. Anything less, just adds a new stress that is worse than the original.

The key for me is; she appreciates the effort. I’m happy and she Is more relaxed.

 

Yes! Absolutely. This sounds very much like our dynamic. The first time we did chastity without FLR, it really felt like a burden; another thing I had to manage and balance and put energy into. This time there’s so much more balance, and it’s a partnership, it’s a great feeling. And he gets more from it too- I’ve become hugely more invested in ways I didn’t expect; I really enjoy treating him to things in a way that’s different to the way I used to spoil him. He’s mine, my pet, I like to fuss on him. And we both feel drastically more aware of each other, a little bit obsessive all over again.

 

Yes! This sounds like us. It’s lovely. The problem with how it went last time we tried chastity without FLR when I was reading the posts @L-u-c-y got in response to her offer of virtual key-holding, and the seeking-soliciting pages; so many men offering to “serve” by listing a huge amount of things they regularly wanted doing to them. I was exhausted just reading it. I think sub/dog can only work if it does extend beyond the bedroom.
Also Sub/Dom stuff was really difficult without chastity; if he’s masturbating all the time, watching loads of fetish porn, and then wants me to tell him what to do in bed, we’d be there ages trying all different things to get him off. He was so mentally and physically desensitised it was a huge effort to find things that actually worked on him. Now he’s really getting off on genuinely being controlled, and whatever I choose to do in bed can’t fail because he’d go off like a rocket at any touch or suggestion. It’s a win win, and we’re both so much happier.

 

Thanks, @Ms King, thanks a lot. This is one of the most important threads on CM in a long time, and it's another example of why we need as many Dommes/Keyholders here as possible.

There are lots of threads here about guys who want to introduce chastity to their wives. The consensus response is go slow, go at her speed, and make it about her. And I think you've identified one of the key reasons why -- at any other speed and for any other reason a guy is just adding to her burdens. If I want to be a good chaste submissive husband I need to submit to the things she wants done, do things she wants, otherwise it's just my game that I've asked her to play, and without giving her any more time to play it. Guys, we need to refocus the energy we spent masturbating on her, looking for ways to make her life better and easier without waiting for her to ask (and silently hoping she won't). It's one of the reasons that in our house there are several chores that are (literally) on my calendar. I want them to be so ingrained in our household routine that she doesn't even have to think about them anymore. And the gimme gimme is my hope that she'll have time and be in the state of mind to think about letting me worship at the holy V.

 

I think the OP is right about the emotional labour, though it depends on the underlying dynamic. A flirty playful wife might actively enjoy keyholding. Mine likes me chaste and submissive, doesn't really like all the locked/unlocked decisions - which is how I've ended up sealed in for the last five months.