Chastity and safe words

Discussion in 'Chastity and orgasm denial' started by esposoEsclavo, Mar 22, 2021.

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  1. esposoEsclavo
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    esposoEsclavo Member

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    I just saw this post on reddit and was curious how people here feel about safe words.

    https://old.reddit.com/r/FemdomComm...ving_permanent_chastity_boyfriend_begged_for/

    A lot of people are calling it abuse to have a 1 month cool down period after using a safe word. I have replied there with our agreement, but basically it's this... my wife and I agreed to a 3 day cool down if I seriously want out.

    But I love her so much for those time where I feel completely desperate and she remains disciplined. The appeal of chastity for me is to feel desperate, submissive, and controlled.

    How do you all feel about this post?
     
  2. LesterBallard
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    LesterBallard Long term member

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    safe words are important. You can never know what real life is going to throw up that may call for a reappraisal.
     
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  3. Tom Allen
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    Tom Allen Member

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    I've been following that thread (in fact, both @Giles_English and I had advice for her) from the beginning. You can't read this post without knowing the back story.

    The bf did not use a safeword. The permanent chastity / denial was discussed extensive before they started. Everything is cool.

    That said, here's an ethical quesrion: Mrs Edge recently told me that if for some reason I could no longer wear the cage, that she would still want to have me wear the bar ess and Vixskin to make love.

    If we extend this to me telling her that I *don't* want to wear the cage, and she still won't allow me inside her, is that non-consent, too?
     
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  4. HisFreakySide
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    HisFreakySide Long term member

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    I really love your response on that reddit thread. Long term chastity is a mental roller coaster driven by a number of bodily/hormonal factors, and there are absolutely times in which the sub should not be the one to decide if an unscheduled unlocking or release needs to occur. Like you, I've also been very close to safewording at times when it wasn't necessary, and thankfully my wife talked me through it and kept me locked. There have been other times in which she forced me to unlock when I was trying to tough-it-out through some skin irritation. Ultimately, it takes a strong and very attentive domme/keyholder to gauge whether or not each request is legitimate.

    And isn't that the point of chastity? To keep us locked when we don't want to be instead of just during the honeymoon period in which we beg to stay locked forever?
     
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  5. downlow
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    downlow Junior Member

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    I thought the whole discussion was kind of ridiculous with terms being used very loosely. The guy was not locked in a dungeon somewhere, or in a body bag. He was freely able to roam the planet at will, and had barely fettered access to his key whenever he wanted.

    The use of the term "safeword" in this situation is not comparable to most situations that it is intended werein one person is physically restrained or dominated in such a way that the safeword is needed to end the play immediately. In this case, the safeword was not needed to end the play - he could easily physically end it whenever he wanted.

    This couple had an agreed upon set of rules, and expectations. Were he to use his "safeword", which he didn't, it would trigger discussions and inactions (we don't play for x days). That is very different from "i'm choking", or "i've reached my pain tolerance", or "My arm's about to break", etc, that safeword's were designed for.

    I thought the couple was admirable, had done everything right, and had something that worked well for them. It's not for me, but bravo for them!
     
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  6. Giles_English
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    Giles_English Chaste slave

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    BDSM culture tends to assume that kink happens within its own firewall and any pressure coming in from outside that firewall is coercion and thus abusive.

    However, for many of us here, there is no firewall. Kink is an integral part of our relationship. Though it's theoretically optional, the situation is a little like: "I know I introduced you to it, and I know it's become our main pastime, however I no longer want to go skiing, nor do I ever want to go on another skiing holiday."
     
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  7. lockedforfun
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    lockedforfun Long term member

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    Frankly I think the people leaping to call it abuse weren't paying much attention and got triggered by a word they don't understand outside of their own limited context. The fact that the keyholder in that thread was willing to so patiently explain things to people being rather rude to her is a good indication she's a caring enough person to be entrusted with the guy's keys.

    Along the lines of what Giles said, there were some people projecting their own ideas onto the situation instead of taking the time to understand this couple and what looks to me to be a pretty good agreement with efforts to facilitate communication.
     
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  8. madams-sissysub
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    For madam and I it is simple, we have safe words for when we are in bdsm play, but as for chastity, I am locked permanently, it is always on going, if I do “tap out” at any point then madam will release me, but it’s game over. It really focuses you!
     
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  9. HusbandX
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    HusbandX Long term member

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    The whole shebang revolves around trust on both sides. Escape is possible at any time. Trust dictates that one won't try. Trust dictates that one gives the keys to someone else, and trusts her.

    I trust my wife. I'm quite sure that if I were to say, "this thing is hurting, can we take it off?" She'd toss the keys to me. If I say, "Can I take it off for a shower," she sets the key on the counter. Not a big deal, it's a formality. It's not like the earth stops revolving at the suggestion of a request. Life goes on.

    If my wife were to say, "no," then trust against comes into play. I trusted her enough to take the keys. She trusts that if I really have a problem, I'll say something.

    "Safeword" is overblown. There are many things in life for which there's no magic catch phrase to get out of jail, or gain help. In freefall, if one has a parachute malfunction, the training does not include "use your safeword." One is expected to do what's necessary, and right. In a gunfight, one may seldom hear "use your safeword." Just not happening. One is expected to deal with things as they are, and act accordingly.

    If one's dick is caught in a trap, either it needs removed (the trap, not the dick), in which case say so, or one handles it some other way. If there's truly a problem that needs addressed, then the last thing one needs is to be shouting "Bandana!" or "Supercalifragilisticexpealidocious!" in the hopes that it will bring change. Plain English (or whatever native or non-native tongue one may choose) is still the best recourse in an emergency, or state of dire urgency.
     
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  10. downlow
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    downlow Junior Member

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    Listen, if you can't trust your partner without a safeword, you can't trust them with a safeword. Safeword is the very, very last line of defense. A partner who is paying attention should already know if you need it or not. Most of the time when things go too far it's because the "bottom" hid what was going on with them. Toughing it out.

    That's fine, preferable even to a point, this ain't no disco after all, but then be prepared to safeword and fess up to the top that the bottom was hiding (lying really) and let them off the hook. A responsible top feels bad if they've gone too far, but (hopefully) not if the bottom wasn't being honest.
     
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  11. LesterBallard
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    LesterBallard Long term member

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    really good discussion, this
     
  12. jemima
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    jemima maid for my Mistress

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    safeword is a word to say to the Lady that some go and see to have thingys done that they ask to be done and the Lady tell them to use a word that then She will know when the man wanting Her to stop. cos them ones dont really know the man see.
     
  13. b_quark
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    b_quark Long term member

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    We have never had a safe word, but she knows to look and ask for any health concerns, she is very much aware of any upcoming need for me to be released (doctor appointment, air travel, etc.) and/or she will listen and react if I bring any concerns to her attention. She knows when I'm being serious and not just wanting to be released so that I can play with myself. And I know full well that if I ask to be released for anything but a very good reason the only result is that I'll be locked that much longer.

    We share other kinks and fetishes besides chastity, but nothing so serious or involved that I couldn't jump out of my assumed character or role and ask her to pause, if needed. For example, if she is administering corporal punishment she will know pretty quickly from my reaction if she hit the wrong area or hit too hard, and if not and I just said I couldn't take any more I am sure she would stop.
     
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