Chastity and performance anxiety - question

Discussion in 'Chastity and orgasm denial' started by longtallsally, Nov 19, 2022.

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  1. longtallsally
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    longtallsally Long term member

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    Today, my partner told me that he'd always felt some performance anxiety during sex. I've never noticed this before, or been aware of any problem. He said that one of the reasons he enjoyed chastity and me being in control not just of when he comes but also when he can be hard, was that his performance became my responsibility rather than his. He said his anxiety went away completely.

    Is this a common feeling among men here, I wonder? If so, I'd be grateful for any suggestions about how to take even more of the anxiety away for him.

    Sal.

    I've posted a bit more detail about the context, and what he told me, in my journal thinggy here.
     
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  2. Fatkid1
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    Fatkid1 Unquestionably devoted

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    For me that anxiety is still there. She will ask if I think I can 'do it'. If I am uncertain, then I am denied because she doesn't want to be disappointed any more than I want to disappoint. She still gets her's either way!
     
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  3. NowIveDoneIt
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    NowIveDoneIt Long term member

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    I have a great deal of performance anxiety but for a few different reasons. It is quite debilitating. A lot of my issues revolve around my wife who has made it a massive uphill battle to overcome. I would recommend finding out a few of the specific issues and working together on them, and praise, praise, praise.
     
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  4. Doug Scibor
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    Doug Scibor Long term member

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    Not common for me, no. I had one issue with it after I was caged which was wild because I really wanted to perform and have sex with her but I was waaayy too deep in my own head.

    When I calmed down and just let things happen, it fixed itself. Adding the cage didn't do anything toward easing or alleviating my anxiety other than when she snaps her fingers, I don't have to worry about the last time I had solo play.

    Always ready.
     
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  5. Isopropylforyou
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    Isopropylforyou Long term member

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    I am always worried that after being denied for so long that I will finish too quickly and leave Her unsatisfied.

    I am super sensitive after not being touched for a while.

    Many times I cum too quickly and we need to use toys to get Her off.

    If She let's me Masterbate a few days before we make love, I am able to last long enough to get Her to Orgasm.
     
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  6. Jay Sub
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    Jay Sub Married with Cage

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    You've been on top of this from the start Sal. Pete communicated the fact that coming too quickly made him feel a bit less somehow, and I get that. I felt that way too until we talked and I now know how my quickness pleases her, makes her feel sexy and special. Yes, sometimes I do get there too quick, but she much prefers that to making her sore and taking half and hour, so i processed it and am happy to be the hair-trigger she has made me. You implemented a counter to that by allowing him a quick one followed by a proper go. Sometimes my L does that for me too, and I'm still hanging on for dear life. It's more about knowing I am being the lover she wants, having the performance she wants at that moment than my old way of thinking, which was "The longer I can last the more of a stud I am" which was all about me, not her. Now it is about the connection and the journey not the end result.

    This morning everything came together perfectly she got what she wanted (piv) and I got what I deserved and needed (locked and denied).

    Keep trusting your instincts and being the loving gentle strong strict domme you were born to be.
     
  7. madams-sissysub
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    Being cuckolded removed my performance anxiety. As I now don’t have to perform!
     
  8. Danny15
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    Danny15 Long term member

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    I had performance anxiety for a few years , was never sure if I could maintain an erection and if I could maintain it I couldn't always ejaculate. I was masturbating a few times a week then . Chastity has solved that anxiety.

    3 years ago I even bought some viagra at the same time as I started to self lock 24/7 . When it came to it , I didn't need it . Being locked for a couple of months I was more that up to the challenge of having a rock hard erection and cumming was a full body shaking experience. I knew that first time chastity was right for me . I now have no anxiety at all. The 3-4 times a year I need to perform , I know I'll be up for it .
    Chastity has soled that issue for me
     
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  9. Shimone
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    Shimone Long term member

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    Depending on the circumstances and persons involved longer lockups can make you cum too fast, because you are too excited or because you became too sensitive. They can also prevent you from getting an erection at all because you are too excited (stress) or due to a hormone drop.

    Having those possibilities in mind I wonder how someone who was anxious before can be less so wearing a device thinking about the lockup.
    But if works for him - why not ?-)
     
  10. IB-Chaste
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    IB-Chaste Chastity Superman.

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    When I read this piece in your journal it did really resonate with me. I don’t have Pete’s previous experience of being told (untruthfully) that he was an inadequate lover… in fact I’d say the opposite. I’ve always been of the mindset to ensure my partners experience is better than my own. It adds pressure to something that should be mutually pleasurable for both, that said that’s a difficult equilibrium to achieve as a man and we feel the inadequacies when we put our own needs first.

    Recently my wife was teasing me to some degree, she wouldn’t allow me to cum in any of the moments she gave me in which she allowed full PIV without any other means. She also took me in her mouth. Both were amazing, I actually found entering her far more pleasurable for myself but I after I was wondering why her blowjobs make me want to ejaculate so much quicker… I came to the realisation that these have always been for my benefit. As they are for me I don’t restrict myself at all. My orgasm (and how quickly it is achieved) is a measure of the quality of the act, it’s a compliment that I cum quickly.

    Now we practice this lifestyle I cannot help but cum quickly. Like really, really quick! At one stage I was worried and I asked her if she minded about it. Her face lit up, she smiled and told me she loved it! How quickly I orgasm has now become a compliment to her… strange how the tables have turned. From that moment I never worried about the PE. We discussed it openly without the taboo.

    Thanks to your recommendation we have experimented with Emla cream and that works for us when we want a more sustained sexual experience for her. We experimented further and its unlocked pleasure we never even comprehended for both of us. It’s been an eye opener.

    So my advice to eliminate his performance anxiety would be to revel in his fast paced orgasms. Let him know you enjoy it. Let him know that you understand that’s it’s chastity induced. Let him know it’s a compliment. When you’re both in the mindset that it’s going to happen quickly without proper control you can both relax and enjoy it. Play games, set timers, make jokes…

    The only advice I would give around how he would feel would be this; cumming too quickly can take the pleasure away. We wait long periods for some entertainment and when it’s done too quickly it can be disappointing. So take your time when his orgasm is due.
     
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  11. Rectrix
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    Rectrix Long term member

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    I believe that most men, maybe except for real high testosterone alpha males, have performance anxiety. We're all worried whether we're big enough, some but not all of us wonder whether we'll get hard enough (especially if we've had failure before), and most of us worry we'll cum too quickly and spend half of our time inside thinking about trying not to cum instead of being tuned in to our woman's feelings and bathing in the intimacy she is providing. I think for chaste guys with loving keyholders this mostly goes away because we know, and she does too, that he's going to be a little bit smaller -- a half-inch or full inch, probably, if he's been locked for a few weeks, and more sensitive and a little bit quick and out of control. If she's good with that, so am I.
     
  12. Jay Sub
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    Jay Sub Married with Cage

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    I resonate with all if this too. And would add....

    The lengthy time I spend during foreplay when I'm really hard, shaking, writhing, bucking is really enjoyable. Throbbing uncontrollably whilst I press into her butt is my biggest turn on, I get into a feedback loop which can end in a handsfree accident if I'm not careful, or she encourages me over the edge. I know when I'm let out it's gonna be over soon, and I'm wanting to stay in longer to prolong the foreplay. That for me is the "taking time" part. If it's been a while since we've come, we want to be on edge for a good while before the finalle. That's easier for me to hold off if I'm still caged.
     
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  13. Queens property
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    Queens property Active member

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    If you count worrying about not lasting very long before you can't help but cum then being caged has given me that anxiety, but about a week ago my fiance decided she wanted actual sex and I managed to last long enough for her to orgasm, no such luck for me, I've been caged for nearly 2 months. So I was worrying about nothing.
    Not being ready serve as it were was a worry before, but for about a year now I've been banned from masterbating so im always keen and ready to please her.
     
  14. archie
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    archie Active member

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    totally spot on
     
  15. Lali's slave boy
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    Lali's slave boy Long term member

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    I don't think my wife enjoys or likes my penis. She cuckolded me on my insistence once and he was much bigger and harder. She stopped. But since then I think she lets me pity fuck her and she is never interested. I think she wasn't interested even before she cuckolded me.

    I'm never confident while piv her. Piv happens seldom now. It's always me locked and she getting Os by my mouth and wand. Sometimes I'm milked without an O and made to eat it. Men are anxious always when ever with a woman.
     
  16. longtallsally
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    longtallsally Long term member

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    I really don't want him to be anxious but I know that after he's been caged for a while, he can't last very long at all if we have ordinary sex. So I wait until he's just beginning to lose control, then give him a squeeze (can any women do this without screwing their eyes tight shut with the effort?) and tell him to 'come for me now'. The effect is pretty much instant. I love that feeling of power and I make sure he knows it. Then we always have another go a few hours later when he's a bit more in control. Worth trying maybe? Sal
     
  17. longtallsally
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    longtallsally Long term member

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  18. anasyrma
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    anasyrma Long term member

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    When I was still allowed inside her my wife would say "dámelo" (Spanish is her first language), meaning "give it to me".
     
  19. jemima
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    jemima maid for my Mistress

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    i dont have no worry no more cos now i am use my tonge and i am good with that.
     
  20. true42
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    true42 Owned member

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    I've never had performance anxiety, so this doesn't line up with any experience that I've had.
     
  21. OwedbyJM
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    OwedbyJM Long term member

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    I did not understand before being locked up all time she did really enjoy piv and that in fact she had trained away my stamina. I was self conscious of that. After we talked more about my chastity, I understood she had taken the stamina away on purpose. At this point it longer matters. As I mentioned in another post I believe my chastity is permanent.
     
  22. maid julie
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    maid julie Long term member

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    I think you should be looking him straight in his eyes when you do it
     
  23. littleguy3
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    littleguy3 Adoring husband

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    I had erectile dysfunction before chastity. That can be a result of several factors including performance anxiety. I think mine was more due to medical and pleasuring myself. Whatever the cause, chastity, tease and denial have fully resolved it. You have the right approach to deal with his PE issue.

    My wife took the above approach and teased me for quite awhile beforehand and it resulted in an electrifying experience unlike anything I've had before. Take your time, get him TFD, blow his mind, lock him back up without too much delay, and then you'll have him eating out of your hand for the next week drooling for more. And then let him pleasure you to your heart's content. When he starts to experience hormonal responses to your orgasms, you will have reached a place where you won't need to worry about him suffering from his frustration; it will all bring him pleasure and, without the stress, it allow you to experience even greater satisfaction.

    I think you've learned he can go long periods of being denied. You might want to continue exploring that approach with lots of teasing to fully appreciate the affect on him.
     
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  24. Kfb47
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    Kfb47 Long term member

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    Thanks for your insight, I keep telling my princess that it’s complicated, you have the hormones raging full speed and and the brain all being controlled by her leadership and your own desire to please her and remember we are not living in a vacuum So each out come is different makes the situation unique even special.. is my experience, I am hooked.
     
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  25. longtallsally
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    longtallsally Long term member

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