Chapter Three

Dear Hubby,

The last two Saturdays I did not like the sex part at all. I tried to keep it from you because I didn’t want to ruin the only sexual love I seem to be able to give you. Tonight it was even worse for me. I know you sensed it but I made you do it anyway. Afterwards you were not even able to make me melt in your arms and you might have felt worse about that than me. We were both a long time getting to sleep. I woke up a little after one o’clock and felt so bad I slipped out of bed and came down here with Bear. How can I tell you what I am feeling without hurting you?

How do I tell you it is too hard to give you even your Saturday nights? I promised I would forever. That sex has always been for you and it is how I show you I love you. Afterwards I get my fuzzy and you make me melt in your arms. That is wonderful and makes it okay. Now it seems like it is all forced. It is not about showing you my love anymore. I am just doing my duty like a prostitute. What I want is to make real love to you. Love that is spontaneous and exciting and most of all makes us both feel loved in an intimate way. I want to share the passion. As hard as I try I cannot make it happen. It is my dream fantasy but every time I try to plan a night to do it I panic and can’t go through with it. I fear it will never be more than a fantasy.

I have no way left to show you my love and how long can I expect you to love me when I cannot give you anything back. I have prayed for a miracle that God will fix me but it hasn’t happened. All I can do now is pray that God will find a way for me to make Saturday nights okay again.

When we came back downstairs late this morning I saw the letter Missy had started was still on the screen. I asked her if it would be alright if I added what we talked about to what she wrote and post it as our next chapter in our journal. She read it again and we talked about how it explains where we are now. She eventually said okay but SHE wanted to write about everything that happened after we went back to bed.

I woke up about 2:00 and Missy wasn’t there. I came down to find her and she was at the computer crying. She never heard me so I startled her a little. She told me not to read this because it was just crazy thoughts she couldn’t say to me and she was going to delete it. I told her no. Her thoughts are too important. I held her hand while I sat down next to her and read it. What I said next surprised her. I told her that I expected this day would come sooner rather than later and it is alright. My love for her, our love, has never been about the sex. I said we may not be able to have sex the way we would like to or even any way at all but we can always have an intimacy that is as good and even more special.

We talked until about 6 AM. It is the first time we have talked face to face about sex since our revelations back when we first joined this site. It was very hard. I reminded her of how good I feel when I am able to make her melt and even better when I can give her that “fuzzy.” I also reminded her how now she considers our Saturday night sex as just “settling.” After a while settling is going to feel very wrong and can cause resentment. That day has come. It is no longer an option.

We talked about what do we do now. I named the two criteria we had to meet. First was the bedroom had to be as comfortable and loving as every other room in the house. Second, whatever we did could not change our relationship and the way we love each other in our everyday lives. That is the glue that has held us together all these years. Until that miracle happens that changes everything that has been ingrained in her since pre-puberty we need to replace our sex with that sensual loving we call her special love making. She insisted it wasn’t fair to me. I tried to make her understand that our sensual love making without any orgasms is better than mediocre sex where only I receive any pleasure.

She asked how we can do this, how can we both be happy in the bedroom. I told her she had to take total charge in the bedroom. She has to do only what feels comfortable and good for her. She asked, “but what about what you want.” We just went around in circles for a long time. I realized part of the problem stemmed from our early days when sex was almost non-existent and I wanted it badly and I didn’t know how to make her feel loved in the bedroom. I acknowledged that even at the beginning of this journey, my orgasm was very important to me. I am sure that was firmly implanted in her mind. I tried to make her understand that I have grown and I find fulfillment in the love I feel when I caress her and she responds and makes me feel that same love she feels. It is very hard for me to explain my feelings. I am not good at it. Then I remembered something Jane had said to us long ago. Missy has to want the sex for her. It won’t work if it is just for me. At last she began to accept that what happened to our Saturday nights is exactly that. Saturday sex got to be forced and felt wrong because it was only for me. She said she wanted to have sex that was good for both of us like we did those few times. Will she be allowed to do that if she can? I told her again it is up to her. She has total control in the bedroom. Whatever she wants, we do. She is not to do something because she thinks I want it, only what feels good to her. She asked, “but what if I try and I can’t do it like what happened on our anniversary.” I said I will hold you and it will be okay. And you will always have a shoulder available anytime you need it. She said she wants that feeling so much and she tries so hard but she just can’t do it. I suggested that maybe she tries too hard. Maybe when she gets comfortable with just sensual love making and no pressure for Saturday sex, and feels more in control it will just happen. Be Patient. Don’t force it.

She asked if I would still need to wear the cage. I said for now it would be best to wear it. It gives her more confidence in her control and it reminds me that she is in control. She said that maybe I could leave it off in the daytime and then if I needed to I could masturbate while she was at work. I got a bit frustrated and asked her if she would like it if I did that and how would she feel if she thought that I was doing that. She said she would feel bad because she would know she is not giving me what I need. I said and I would feel like I cheated on you. That is not happening.

I told her that how sensual or how sexy she wants to be is up to her. She has to be firm and clear about what she wants at any time. She has to believe that this is what will make me happy and feel her love. She has to take charge of the bedroom. It was about 6 o’clock when I finally asked her if she could do this. She said, “I don’t know.” I asked her again and she said, “I told you I don’t know!” I asked her a third time and she looked at me and paused and then she said, “I can do this? You’ll have to help me be strong though.” I held her and we shared a long kiss. I told her she needed some sleep so we were going to skip church and I was going to take her upstairs and put her to bed.

This is Missy again. When we got upstairs he gently picked me up and laid me in the bed and started to pull up the sheet. I asked him if he would hold me on his shoulder and maybe rub my back a little till I fell asleep. He climbed in the bed and he held me on his shoulder and I think we both fell asleep very quickly. I woke up about ten o’clock and reached my head up and kissed him. I told him I never got to melt in his arms last night and I asked him if he would do that for me. As he was caressing me I rolled on my back and guided his hands on my breasts. After a minute or so I ran my hand down his abdomen and he was very erect and I was wet. His cage was still off from last night. I rolled up on my side and pulled myself very close and I put my one leg over his legs and reached down and inserted his penis in me. I said, “ do not move. I just want to be one with you for a moment.” We laid there together with him inside me for a few minutes and he held me so tight. Eventually he lost his erection and slipped out of me. I was about to tell him I was sorry I made him do that without an orgasm but before I could say anything he said, “I love you. I have never felt closer to you. Thank you.” I suddenly believed that maybe it isn’t an orgasm that makes him feel like he has made been made love to. I said, “it WAS wonderful wasn’t it.” I never did have my melt moment. We just held each other for a few more minutes before we got up. I think I can do this.

We decided to start a new blog because we feel we have made another giant step in our bedroom relationship. “Our Story” was chapter one. It told of the early years where the bedroom was uncomfortable at best for either of us. But it got us thinking and we talked seriously about sex for the first time. “The Light at the End of the Tunnel” was chapter two. It was a major leap and was mostly about the physical aspects and it made sex doable and often enjoyable. But as Missy pointed out, it was about settling for the minimum. Now it is chapter 3. Our change this time is more cerebral (Missy’s word not mine) in nature. I, Hubby, feel like I have matured and grown. I now see the bedroom love making as more about intimacy than sex. It is about the closeness, physical and emotional, and the feeling of being a real man when I make Missy feel loved and protected. Missy finally understands that Hubby needs to feel loved but not necessarily with orgasms. She is ready to take the lead in the bedroom and focus on what makes her feel loved. What will be hardest for Missy is waiting and letting chapter 4 happen when it happens naturally. She knows she has to overcome a mountain of fear and years of confused beliefs in her mind about sex before it can happen. Hubby keeps telling her to be patient because it may be a long time but to take heart in knowing we have reached a level of intimacy that will sustain us till then.

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Yesterday at work was a nightmare. You name it and it went wrong starting with the computer system that went down in the morning. When we got it up nobody could access their programs or data. I knew how to do it because I had worked with the IT guys on the upgrade in the spring. In short I was on my feet all morning helping other techs recover data and get programs working right and I didn’t get any of my work done. I missed my morning break and was going to treat myself to a Tastykake with lunch and it got stuck in the vending machine and I couldn’t even have that. The afternoon was one little crisis after another. When I got home I was exhausted mentally and physically and my whole body hurt. Hubby met me at the door and he instantly knew I had a bad day. He held me for a while. I was even too tired to cry. I told him my stomach was in a knot and I didn’t feel like eating supper. He told me to go over to the couch and then he said slip your pantyhose down. I knew what was next and I eagerly slid them down to my knees and plopped on the couch. He took off my shoes and got my pantyhose off and started to rub my legs and feet. The only thing I said was an occasional “yes” when he would get just the right spot. After a little while my eyelids got very heavy and Hubby noticed. He gently turned me and put my legs on the sofa. He gently laid me on my side and then put the throw pillow under my head and the lap blanket over me. He kissed my cheek and rubbed my back.


The next thing I remember was him kissing my cheek to wake me up. I was still groggy but he said I had napped for more than two hours and he had a little something for me to eat. I told him I wasn’t hungry but he said I had to eat something and he gently sat me up. There was a tray table with a bowl of his homemade chicken noodle soup, a toasted cheese sandwich, and a small glass of wine. He sat down beside me and quietly caressed my back and shoulders while I ate and it actually tasted good, especially the soup. He asked me if I wanted to talk about it and I said no. Then I proceeded to babble on the whole time I ate. Hubby just sat and listened. When I finished he took the dishes back to the kitchen while I drank my wine. He came back and sat next to me and held my hand and we talked about nothing mostly. He even made me laugh a couple of times at his really bad jokes. When it was time to go to bed, as we were getting up he said very emphatically, “His love for me is not about what happens in the bedroom.” He went on that nothing ends for me at the bedroom door. He told me to never be afraid to tell him what I want or need. Act like I expect him to do it. He will be there for me. Then he added, “Tonight I had to guess and you know I am not comfortable guessing.” All I could do was lean over and kiss him.


We got upstairs and I unbuttoned my blouse and he took it off and hung it up while I unfastened my skirt and let it just fall around my feet. He undid my bra and I took it off while he handed me my nightgown from the headboard and I slipped it on while he pulled the covers down. He picked me up so gently and laid me on the bed. He picked up the skirt and bra and hung them up. He took off his clothes and climbed into bed and slid over next to me. He rolled me on his shoulder and caressed my back and I was asleep pretty quickly.


This morning was crazy. I have no idea what got into me. I woke up way before the alarm was to go off and I was still on Hubby’s shoulder. I reached up and kissed him and woke him up. I said I wanted to snuggle and he held me and we kissed a lot and he caressed my back and side for a long time. Then I asked him if he would fondle my breasts. He did and I started to get very aroused. I was about to ask him to give me a fuzzy. Instead the words that came out were, “I HAVE come a long way. It used to be so hard to let you touch my breasts and now it feels so good.” I paused a second and then said, “someday” and I don’t even know what I was going to say after that because the damn alarm went off and the whole mood was killed. We kissed and I got out of bed and headed for the shower. In the shower I was fantasizing about Hubby being there washing my back. Nothing else but how nice it would feel for him to wash my back. I got out and dried off and then instead of putting my bra and panties on, I just picked them up, opened the door and walked out into the room. I set the panties on the dresser and told Hubby to take his shower. He could see me in the mirror as I put my bra on and as he walked by he stopped and fastened it for me. I calmly said thank you and he said you are welcome, nothing more. But I could tell he enjoyed that moment. I finished dressing and went down to get breakfast. Somehow I knew this was going to be a good day.


It was a good day at work. Everything went smooth as silk. I got everything done I needed to. When I came home, Hubby greeted me with a big kiss and hug and asked me how my day was. All I could do was smile and say it was good.


From what Hubby said last night I feel like he wants me to ask more of him while I give him less. How does that make any sense at all?

 

Dear Missy,


You are not giving me less and it makes perfect sense I finally figured out that the only way you will ever be able to have sex the way you dream of is if you feel no pressure for sex, feel in complete control, and most of all feel like it is about love. The couple of times it worked it was about the love when you did it and it was initiated solely by you. Every time you want to do it for how great the orgasm feels you panic. I realize you need to feel nothing but love and control in the bedroom. When you finally reached the point that you couldn’t feel good having sex just for me last weekend, the time was right to take our chastity to the next level. During these last few weeks I have found that sex that you only tolerated wasn’t very satisfying for me either but when I could make you melt in my arms or even better give you that fuzzy I felt wonderful. I truly believe I will be okay with no or rare intercourse.


The other night, as I was sitting with you after you ate, I realized I was only looking at half of the solution. You need to feel loved everywhere all the time, not just in the bedroom. Yes, I am there for you for the big things like Tuesday night. But what about the times when you are just a little tired or feeling a little alone. You don’t say anything and I don’t do anything. That is why I told you to tell me any time you would like even the smallest favor or just a little attention or just to be held for a minute. I need to give myself to you completely, not just in the bedroom. I am okay with that because I know you will never abuse your power or exceed my limits. In fact I believe you are more apt to not ask and I am not good at guessing what you need all the time. I hope when you read this you will understand that I want to be there for you all the time. I want you to always feel my love.


Loving you forever,

Hubby

 

Hubby,

You are there for me all the time and I always feel your love. You are very good at guessing when I need your shoulder or a hug. You always hold me and have a kiss for me when I come home. You do more than your share around the house. You are even learning to just listen to my troubles without saying anything. I would like even more of that. I would like for us to go out more often and meet new people and socialize more. I have always been reluctant to ask you to do that because I know it is hard for you but I would like to do that. Maybe a new Saturday night ritual. (-:


Now I will ask one thing of you. If you ever feel like you really need to have intercourse, please do not be afraid to ask me. I will try my best and I will still feel loved after when you take me to my special place. I know you never want me to hurt but I never want you to hurt either.


Love,

Missy

 

Today is father’s day and I called daddy. We had a nice chat but I never learn anything from him. He asks me how Hubby is doing and about my job. I always ask him how he is and he only says he is okay. He says he is healthy but he never says what he is doing or anything like that.


After about 5 minutes my mother took the phone and I was careful not to tell her how Hubby is working every Saturday to keep up in the shop. She wanted to know if I was pregnant yet and I just told her “not yet.” She eventually told me to say goodbye to daddy and gave him back the phone. Daddy said, “I love you honeybunch. Take good care of yourself.” I told him I loved him a lot and we hung up.

When I talk to daddy he doesn’t seem very happy. He says he is okay. We never talk about anything important. He is going to retire at the end of the year but he doesn’t even talk about that. But there is something in the way he talks to me that says he wishes he could say so much more to me.


Hubby worked most of the day again Saturday. His big worry now seems to be being able to get the steel he needs. He says his inventory is getting low and the replacement stock is all on backorder. After supper Hubby suggested we go to a local high end bar that has a band on Saturday nights. I know he did this just for me. We went and we ended up sitting with another couple our age because the place was crowded. Hubby didn’t talk much but we had a good time. We danced a little. I definitely have to get us dance lessons! This weekend was my monthly visitor so I didn’t have to think about not having sex when we went to bed. He gave me a nice fuzzy. I don’t know what is going to happen next weekend. It is supposed to be all up to me. I will feel bad if I take away his Saturday nights but I don’t really want to have “duty” sex either.


Sorry everybody. I am just babbling again on your dime.

 

Missy,

Please have faith. Let next weekend just happen. Do not look at this as taking away my Saturday nights Think of it as sharing our love in a totally sensual way. A way that is very intimate. I want our bedroom to be a place of nothing but love and closeness. Not a place of pressure and “duty.”

Hubby

 

I appreciate all the support I am getting from people like you. You all believe in me more than I believe in myself. When people who barely know me think I can do this it makes me think I can.

I know Hubby would like me to flirt more. It is hard for me but your idea of maybe having my clothes on and just teasing him a little would be easier. I would feel like I still had control but maybe in the mind set to take a little more risk later. Thank you for your thoughts.

 

These last two weeks have been ordinary and we haven’t said anything about “the talk” except a little in our posts here. We went up to bed last night in what would be our first “chapter 3” Saturday cause last week was her period. Missy was a little anxious. She was in her nightgown with no panties like an old Saturday night. She handed me the key and watched me set it on the dresser as I went to my side of the bed. She asked if I was sure that this is what I want. I said, “absolutely.” I told her she needed to believe me and most of all to believe in herself. I told her she could do this.

Once in bed she wanted me to only make her melt. I caressed her and kissed her and told her how much I loved her. She started out a little tense or maybe nervous but after a few minutes she began to relax. Eventually we reached that moment and she purred softly and went limp and then I put her head on my shoulder. She didn’t go right to sleep and after a couple minutes she asked me if it would be okay if I spooned her. I said I would love to. She rolled onto her side and I tucked up tight against her and pulled her close. I held her for a few minutes and then she said, “Please fondle me, all of me. I need to see if I can have my fuzzy.” She guided my hands all over her breasts and down to her vagina. After a bit she rolled on her back and pulled my mouth onto her breast. She pushed my head down and let me lick her vagina and she was wet. Then she rolled back in to my arms and said kiss me and caress me. I had barely begun and she got very warm, her breathing practically stopped and she pressed her body so tight against me. After a minute she relaxed and started to cry very softly. She started to just say stuff. She said it was so nice, there was no pressure, it was so easy to let you touch me everywhere, it felt so good, and on and on about how easy and how nice it was. After a few minutes she was still crying softly as I held her. Then she asked me if I was okay with what she did. I told her I felt like the best lover in the world. I was more than okay. She kissed me and said, “you were right. I just need to believe. I don’t ever want to go back. I love you so much.” Then she asked if she could still sleep on my shoulder. I told her I would be disappointed if she didn’t. I pulled her head on my shoulder and she was the most peaceful in weeks that I can remember on a Saturday night. She was asleep in no time.

This is Missy. I came in to see what Hubby was writing. He seems to think I asked him for permission too many times. I don’t want to be his school teacher, I want to be his partner in love. I will probably always ask him for these things. He just better have the correct answer. LOL Even though I was supposed to be in charge before, Saturdays were always pre-programed. I never felt like I had the control I had last night. There was no pressure for the sex and it just seemed so right, so easy and everything just fell in place. Hubby needs to know that those were tears of joy and relief and love. For a moment I worried I asked too much and gave too little but just for a moment. I had worried that this was going to be unfair to Hubby and hard for him. His body language assuaged my fears before I even asked him if he was okay I don’t know why I had to ask at all. I still long for the day we can truly make love but last night was wonderful.

 

You are so right Iso. I think she believes now. It was so nice when she was so Peaceful just sleeping in my arms.

 

I was really upset with Hubby last weekend. It was a three day weekend for me with the 4th being on Sunday. I know it isn’t all his fault but sometimes I feel like his business is more important than I am. He was way behind on getting an important order out because the machine he needed had broken down and he spent one whole day just getting it fixed so it would make the pieces the right size or something. He was in a bad mood Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. I barely got to see him at all on Saturday. Saturday night he managed to give me my fuzzy but he was obviously not himself and afterwards I said, “It’s my turn to hold you.” I had him slide down and I put his head on my breasts and caressed him and rubbed his back. He fell asleep after a few minutes and it was the most peaceful I had seen him all week. I pulled the pillow down and moved his head onto it and I slid down next to him I put my arm around him and he never stirred. At that moment I had an inkling of what he feels when I melt in his arms. I had made him truly relax if only for one night. Sunday he was quite contrite and apologized over and over. We went to the local parade and stuff and the fireworks show but at times it was like I was there by myself. He did take most of Monday off for me and he put together a picnic and we went to that little park. We had a good time but I could tell his mind was somewhere else. I could tell he was worried about how far behind he was at the shop. He couldn’t even make me melt that night. He worked every night this week but finally did get mostly caught up.


This weekend has been much better. He worked Saturday morning and in the afternoon we took “Big Red” out in the back for a while. (We were too late to go out with the club.) We got a little crazy and took our shoes, socks, and jeans off and waded around in the creek on the back edge of our property. Hubby caught a frog and threatened to put it down my back, but for a country girl from the Midwest a frog is no big deal. I took the frog and pretended to kiss it. I said, “AWW No prince. I guess I’m stuck with you.” We laughed and he kissed me and said he was the only prince I needed. We put the frog back in the creek. We went out for supper and mostly just relaxed the rest of the evening. We talked a little and played some cards.


In the bedroom I tried to push my limits a little. I didn’t wear my panties. I had an old baby doll nightie I put on for the first time in years. I asked Hubby to kiss and caress my whole body, every part of it. It felt wonderful. He was kissing and caressing my vagina. I was getting very aroused and then I felt like I was going to orgasm and I panicked so I pulled him back up to my breasts. Then he kissed me very passionately and had his hand on my breast and I got a wonderful fuzzy that lasted much longer than normal.. He just laid his head on my breast and we laid there for a long time. I almost wish I had had the courage to let him give me that orgasm. I don’t know if I could have handled it or not. Then he rolled over and put my head on his shoulder and we were at total peace, both of us.


I really feel like I am in control in the bedroom now. I did not worry when we were in bed about pleasing Hubby and I felt so comfortable and he seemed so happy. Moments like right now though when I am thinking about it, I wish I could do more for him but he has made me believe that it is okay. I don’t feel guilty or like I am letting him down. I don’t understand any of what has happened. It is so different and it feels so right and so wrong all at the same time.

 

How do I not think about what is happening? I love that there is no pressure for sex but I hate that I am not giving anything back to Hubby. It is so hard to understand why he is so happy with me withholding my full self from him. You say focus on the feeling but it FEELS both right and wrong at the same time. I do know I don't ever want to go back to programed or duty sex. I want so much more for both of us.

 

Thank you NZSenator. I keep trying to make her believe I feel all the love she feels when I can make her melt or better take her to that "fuzzy" place. She wants to believe but I think my past desire or need for orgasms is still in her mind. It is helpful when she can hear from other men that it isn't as much about the orgasm as it is about the feeling of shared intimacy.