Discussion in 'The Vault' started by Caged Wolf, May 6, 2013.
You deserved that. You both deserved that.
Mistress Wolf deserved it, and much more.... as for me, i honestly don't think i did, but that is Mistress's decision!
And your Mistress decided that she did deserve it, and she decided that you were the person to provide it. It sounds like an amazing connection was made between both of your needs. I love the fact that you knew you needed to be able to pleasure Mistress Wolf whilst being denied, to help ground you after the awful time you have been through recently, to help you find yourself again.
Spent part of last evening (4th of July) at a friends house, good food, great people, etc. Even better when the Hostess, Her husband, and one of the other guests know about our relationship because they where the ones involved with the ceremony! We smile knowingly, and the ladies giggle a little when i do things that others wouldn't notice. It's good to have a situation like this where i don't have to hide who and what i am.
After the upswing things have flattened again due to circumstances... Spent the weekend down helping my dad (fixing broken cars, etc). It needed to be done, but the time away from Mistress and Little One was hard after the long hours in the new job last week. Got home later Sunday evening, spent a little time with them before bed then back on the road again Monday morning. Easy day turned into a nightmare, and another stupidly long day. Little One was in bed when I got home, didn't even see her yesterday, and was in bed within an hour and a half of getting home, so no really time with Mistress Wolf either...
Talking with Mistress on the phone as things went down the tube, She calmly stated "You need to find another job... this one is not working out.".
Guess we know what I'll be doing with a good portion of my computer time in the near future...
Things are still good and positive, just the job throwing a wrench in, and missing the connection to Mistress and Little One.
Good luck with the job hunting. Work life balance is critical in a successful relationship, it is why I quit mine nearly a year ago.
Need to just win the lottery...
Long day again yesterday, though was home in time for a warm dinner... Mistress Wolf and i talked briefly (while i was folding laundry), and one of my comments may have Her thinking. She likes the NCIS, Pretty Little Liars, etc, shows i don't much care for. I love to sit with Her, on the floor of course, and just relax and be with Her, but i have a hard time watching a lot of these shows. my comment was along those lines "i really like sitting with you in the evenings, but i just can't get into these shows". When i finished folding clothes She took me out to the Hot tub for a soak before bed... not much talking, just relaxing together.
Still adjusting to the new job/hours.. need to get moving, have to be on the road again in a bit. hopefully not out as long today...
Was talking with Mistress Wolf today, and think it may be time for me to try my hand at writing again...
Back story for this conversation: The last few days I have felt the need to wear my wolf tail around the house. I've done this before, but not for expended periods. Sometimes i wear the wolf hat, normally when i am stressed and need my wolf to take over for a while. Sometimes i wear the tail as well,, and sometimes just the tail... Something clicked, or woke up, this past week after a friend of mine posted a comment on Facebook that said "Always wear your tail, even if only in your mind". I've been wearing it in the house since. Just something I need to do, but it has also gotten me thinking about "Enhancement surgery", literally being able to have a fully functioning tail, wag-able and everything, and some of the benefits and issues of having such a magnificent tail.
i am Mistress's wolf, Her protector and mate, servant, and willing to do anything for Her. IF it were possible to have a tail transplanted (though i would not want to have a real wolf "donate" such an important part), and have it actually functional, what situation would lead to such radical transformation, and what other transformations might such a change make to me? Would the DNA affect me in other ways? Would Mistress Wolf chose to further transform me? Things like "Where do i put my tail when driving?", "What position can i sleep in with a real tail?", or "Who can i have modify my pants so the tail can pass through" have come to mind, along with many others.
i have ample time to ponder these questions, and to think about the story while i am driving, it will just be a matter of capturing the thoughts on paper and then making a legible story out of it all.
i guess we'll find out in the near future as the Tale of the Tail comes to life...
Started writing some yesterday, basically the into chapter, building the framework and back ground, got 3 1/2 pages single line hand written... a good start and I was proud of what i had considering it was written in less than 2 hours while waiting for the truck to be loaded..
Not sure if or when I will write more as the wind was taken out of my sail again last night. As we were going to bed i noticed a slight discomfort near my hernia repair, and was rubbing it as I approached the bed. After being permitted to get in bed Mistress Wolf asked about the issue, i honestly told Her i had some discomfort, not at the surgery site, but down into the sack. She replied "We are NOT going through this again!" i did my best to reassure Her that i was not hurt again, and commented "It's probably just lack of use..." not meaning anything other than exactly that. Mistress Wolf's next comment caught me off guard.. "Well, I'm sorry I'm not good at sex..." /.... i tried to explain that i was not implying anything, just that it's a physical response. Nothing more was said other than a quiet "I love you" by Her, and my response of "i love you too..."
i've also noticed we are back to no lip kissing, but She has been giving me hugs "You look like you needed it.", and some extra casual touching, just nothing that seems to lead to anything. i honestly think my failure a year ago broke our relationship and the trust we had built to a point that may never be repaired. i honestly don't know if i can do a sexless relationship, but if that is what i have to look forward to i will do my best to keep Mistress Wolf as happy as i can, and hopefully, if it is that way, She will find someone who can provide that intimacy for Her...
When am i going to learn to just keep my mouth shut...
I think I am going to take a break from the journal for a while as I work to unravel the mess I've become.
Today i realized i am not, and never will be an Omega, a full submissive... That is not what Mistress Wolf wants, and IF She is Alpha, then I as Her mate and partner, must be Alpha also, or surrender my place at Her side and cower at her feet as She seeks an Alpha to replace me.
Don't be gone too long. Sorting yourself out must take precedence though. Good luck and I hope you get to a place where you are content.
will be around and check in, but just no going to keep posting the same post as I work this out. Did Talk with Mistress Wolf about it last night (just before messing up the bed), and One of Her comments was something like "Glad you are finally figuring it out." She fully agreed with me about needing to be an Alpha also, but understands i have no intention of trying to take the lead back, or drastically change how i've been doing things. It's more about the attitude.
There are records of Matriarchal Led Wolf Packs, but the Alpha Male is still the Alpha male. Things feel better this morning,
interesting few days, talking with Mistress Wolf the other night, and i made a comment along the lines of "I'm an Alpha again, so... " Her reply "You just keep telling yourself that Dear". Things have changed, but they have also not changed... if that makes sense. i have been doing a little more of my own, working on things outside the house, etc, but Mistress will still come out and check on me, task me to do things, etc.
i'm still doing a lot around the house (when i am here), but Little One is also being tasked to do more, to learn responsibility, etc. Little One gets points for tasks performed that She can use for privileges or convert to an allowance. i, on the other hand, am expected to just get things done. It seems to be working on both counts.
Went to the store with Mistress Wolf and Little One today, and for the most part everything was as it was before, EXCEPT, i noticed when i was walking through through the crowd people noticed me and moved aside for me in a way that a week ago they would not have. I think that is the best way to describe the current situation, With Mistress, She is still very much the lead, though i am more inline with Her idea of how the relationship should be, but to everyone else I am more the old strong alpha, something that i was having an issue suppressing in public.
i will, of course, ask Mistress Wolf comment on Her thoughts, if She wishes...
I am glad that I am what I am, I think it is so much easier. I'm the guy that not only steps out of the way of other people in a crowd, but I'm also the guy that ends up weaving around all of the people stepping out of the way, if you get my meaning.
I'm not a simple submissive though. I am deep down submissive to my Wife but she doesn't want me to be a complete walkover. She would hate me to be weak. Trying to find your way within the dynamic of your own backgrounds and relationship cannot be easy. I know you are proud of how more assertive Mistress Wolf has become.
I am what I am... My tag line used to be, A Wolf, even caged, is still a Wolf. Trying to fundamentally change myself on that deep of a level was tearing me apart. My inner Wolf was pissed at being stuffed down and neutered, and i think that was part of why i was so messed up at times.
i still ask permission for most things, ask if there is anything i can do for Mistress Wolf, etc, but to the world i am getting back to the fundamental me.
As I understand it one of the main roles of an alpha wolf is to protect his pack. Were you feeling like that part of your role was being undermined by your complete subservience to Mistress Wolf? My own experience is that my Wife is utterly in charge, her decisions are always the ones that count, but my opinions, ideas and feelings are very much taken into account. Elle doesn't want me to be a complete submissive, if she does something I disagree with she wants me to tell her so. She doesn't want to have to tell me every little thing that I have to do, she wants me to use my initiative.
This sounds much more like the level you are now aiming for. I am still her strong, dependable husband. The difference is we have both acknowledged that she is in charge and we are both happy with that situation. Elle actually stated for the very first time recently that she really was in charge, that she had at last accepted this as the truth, and that she was happy with it. I was so happy as I have felt like this in our entire 28 year relationship, but she would always disagree with me if I brought it up for any reason.
Like you I'm an alpha, that doesn't mean because I am in chastity any of my outside behavior has to change at all. While I have chosen to give her control over this aspect I my life, I'm the same person I was to the outside world and in many aspects towards her. The big difference is in the way I treat her now, just because you are choosing to be submissive to her doesn't mean you have to give up the core being of who you are.
If you're hard wired as an alpha I don't think that can ever change, however I do feel you can give up that part of your life out of love for pleasing the one who mearns so much to you, standing up and doing the right thing even if it's at your expense.........an alpha move.
I'm still trying to figure it all out, but I appreciate the posts and discussion.
@nvrsaynvr63 , I was trying to change the whole me, in everything I did, to a submissive position that's what messed me up. I am still very much submissive to Mistress Wolf, that part will not change. It's the way I interact with others outside our relationship that is going back more towards the way I was, and that is helping stabilize and ground me back in myself.
Mistress Wolf was talking to me last night as I was starting the BBQ, and told me I seemed more at ease with myself, more comfortable in my own, natural skin, so to speak, even after just a couple of days. As we were going to bed She again told me She was much happier with me the last few days... She has corrected me a couple of times over the weekend, and better expressed Her feelings when I did right, and even more importantly, when I did wrong. She has been more intimate, stopping to hug me "Because I looked like I needed a hug", talking with me about normal things again, etc. It seems to be a good thing so far.
My hope is that less stress and issues from me will allow and help Mistress Wolf to spread Her wings and continue to grow, knowing I am right there beside Her, rather than off wallowing in self-doubt. If Mistress Wolf is happier then I must be doing something right.
BTW, I have studies Wolves and wolf interaction and relationships, and that is what I am trying to integrate into myself and our relationship. Wolves mate for life, Alpha male with Alpha Female, Beta male and female, and so on down the line. AN Alpha Female will not mate with a lesser male and vice versa. All I am doing is reclaiming my place in the pack, not as lead wolf, but as Alpha male for my Mistress. Knowing and understanding SHE is my Alpha, but I am the strong male, has allowed me to stabilize my emotions, recenter myself, and strengthened the pack. It does not alter our relationship, but provides a strong front to the outside world, and allows us to fully support each other.
Our lives are lived under Pack rules, we are part of a larger pack under a Matriarchal leader (Momma Wolf) who is helping us learn and grow, guides us, etc, but also lets us lead our pack within the bigger pack. We do not know who all is actually IN the larger pack, as the circles overlap, but they all intersect with Momma Wolf.
All, this has been a great run, and a lot of fun documenting this journey with Mistress Wolf, but it is time to close this thread and eventually start a new one. Mistress Wolf and I are very close to finding the balance She has been wanting (and I have been not listening to Her about).
Mistress Wolf is still, and will forever be in charge of our relationship, but I, while still under Her control, am not "submissive" in the true sense. We are striving to have a balanced relationship as partners, mates, and almost equals. This is the only way that this FLR will wok for us.
I will still be around, and once the dust settles a little on everything I will be back and start anew journal. Until then, Thank you to all who have read, commented, helped, etc. I love this about this community!
Just got the word, thread will be permanently locked in a couple of days...
Everyone has a certain fascination about being permanently locked - and this thread will be just that!!!
I didn't even think of it in that way until I saw this.! too funny. I may never be locked again, but my journal about being locked will be permanently.. There's a twist I didn't see coming! LOL
I want to take this opportunity to thank you @Caged Wolf, for taking your time over such a long period to write this journal. It was a game changer when I first joined the mansion. I read it all the way through over several days. The messages it gave me were critical to the success of my own developing use of chastity. Basically you showed me that this takes time, lots of it, that it is going to be emotional, that it takes effort and trust, that it is ultimately worth it and, the biggest, there are people out here that live this way completely, unreservedly, seriously and without the rampant fantasy taking over.
So many people join the mansion and then fade away. Some of them have been obviously making everything up and others have been struggling with the reality of chastity but they are for one reason or another brief members. You on the other hand are a constant. You were a member when some of the big, original members were around but, unlike them, you have continued writing.
The problems you have been having these past several months have not been easy reading but again you have shown your dedication. Another piece of advice you gave me was to write the bad as well as the good. One of the most constant message of thanks I get is from this fact, that my writing about the issues I have been through and how over time they have been resolved has helped other guys starting chastity, other couples finding their way.
I truly, honestly hope you find what you are currently seeking. This quest to fundamentally change your core being appears to have run its course. Interestingly your realization that your submission to your Wife does not mean you have to be submissive to everyone else (and I hope I have read that correctly) matches my own position. I am submissive and supportive of my Wife and I am more respectful of everyone as a result. But I'm not then submissive to absolutely everyone and I do not for one moment think that all females are superior simply through their gender.