By asking my wife to dress fancier/sexier, am I topping from the bottom in this FLR?

Discussion in 'Female led relationships' started by wanchin, Aug 29, 2018.

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  1. wanchin
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    wanchin Member

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    I could use a bit of advice. We are in the process of establishing a FLR relationship between my wife and I. Rules are being set, etc ....

    I have two request that I ask of my wife 1) Is that she should dress up a bit fancier when we are out and about and sometimes in the house a bit sexier (nothing crazy or really in appropriate, honestly it would probably be allowed in a school environment). and 2) I would like her to relax more and have more free time, to just lounge around or go out.

    Her response is that by me asking her to do this, I am actually going against the entire FLR concept. Which while I understand what she is saying, my reasoning behind it is two fold. 1) That in my mind, seeing her being able to dress fancier (or just lounging around) because she doesnt need to take care of the kids, etc.. because of my doings is a big reward and helps me able to do more to enable that and 2) As far as the sexier clothing is concerned, the more "turned on" I am the easier it is for me to do things and the more I want to do it.

    I know in a perfect world, I wouldnt need these simulations in order to help me. But in reality (at least in the beginning) I need it. On my part, I am going out of my way, including she has me in 24/7 chastity lock up. So a bit more effort on her end to make things easier would be appreciated. Any suggestions?

    Thank you
     
  2. Nicoftime
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    Nicoftime The suspense is terrible...I hope it lasts

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    yep....sorry bud but she's got a lot better handle on this flr than you do. Your desires have been communicated, now the hard part, let her decide. Let go, let her drive. If she wants to dress sexy for you, she will. If she doesn't want to, do you really want her to?

    Your desire to please will build as you go, sexy attire won't be necessary to keep you into pleasing her, give it some time and trust that she will do whats best for her which is what is best for you.

    Good luck and no back seat driving :p
     
  3. Unlucky
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    Unlucky Long term member

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    Making a respectful request is not topping from the bottom. It is expressing your wants or needs and that's allowed unless she says otherwise.* You can do that and still accept her leadership.

    If you tell her to do something, even if what you're telling her is to relax while you pamper her, then yes, you're topping from the bottom.


    *I'd argue that you always have a right to express your needs if they are truly needs regardless of what she commands
     
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  4. Fatkid1
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    Fatkid1 Unquestionably devoted

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    I voiced this in my relationship as that I told her I like to show her off, and to be proud I belong to someone do beautiful. Yes, your approach as explained is topping.
     
  5. steviepie
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    steviepie inferior and unworthy male

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  6. tegelad
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    tegelad Class and sophistication in all things

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    One you should apologize for the way you attempted to communicated with her, but all is not lost.

    If this is truly something you are interested in personally, I would start with an apology for phrasing it wrong, and state you are 100% happy with who and how she is as a person. Then state respectfully, one of the things you take great pride in is how great she looks and was there anything you could do personally to help her with her style and to give her the time she needs to do this. Also, state you want to dress and be as refined looking as her also. That is make this a project for the two of you where you are going to be looking spectacular and you are wanting to help do the lion share of it with her or if she likes to do it alone, give her the time and energy to be able to do it.

    E.g. personal service to her so she can have the time to exercise, relax, primp and do whatever you like.

    However, reiterate to her that this is a personal fantasy and need of yours is not required by her "at all" or "ever".

    Do understand that means you maybe spending a lot of time learning about fashion and clothes for both men and women "and" also listening to what your wife wants and likes. In some ways it maybe a good thing as it may force you to communicate and listen ....

     
  7. Dumb1
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    Dumb1 senior member

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    I think many of us have made similar mistakes in the beginning as soon as the keyholder accepts the idea our mind immediately begins to enlarge the scene that has been secretly playing reel to reel inside our heads for maybe years. The temptation is always there to just up the anti just a little and no matter how you attempt to dress the idea up it will still be topping from the bottom, you must just allow the keyholder to set the scenes as they seem fit and if in time they become more like the person in your secret fantasy then thats great but if not you have to accept it for what it is............chances are it is still better than a lot of others have to start with. Take it slow and enjoy.
     
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  8. AprilC
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    AprilC Active member

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    you should feel free to beg for anything
     
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  9. Guest 3729
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    Guest 3729 Long term member

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    We all have this grand image of how chastity should when we first start out and rarely if ever does it go as we hoped.

    As a sub it is not inappropriate to communicate your likes, otherwise how else is your mistress to know. However it is up to her to decide whether or not she ever implement any of your requests. I had several requests when first starting out and I would be a little bothered by the fact that she never really entertained my wants or ideas other than locking me up. Little did I know I was getting the FLR side of her and not the kink lol.

    Now that I understand my role and my place my mindset has changed. Because I'm locked 24/7 she is always sexy and a turn on for me 24/7 regardless of what she is wearing. She is such a pretty woman and a great dresser but I only get to see her like that in the morning before she leaves for the day. By the time I get home she is in her PJ's and ready to chill and be comfortable.
    So initially I was sad that there wasn't more kink like what I wanted and had been reading about with other couples but in all honesty my request to be locked was more about masturbation control and thats the way she went with it. What I slowly came to respect was my mistress's resolve to do things the way she wanted to do them regardless of what I wanted and in turn that became a true turn on for me because I really feel under her dominance.

    I'm not saying she doesn't have a kinky side to her because she does but because our time and privacy is limited, it's rare when she'll indulge me with that kind of play.

    So you're just going to have to go with the way she wants to do things if you want this to be a true FLR. Trust me, regardless of the way she dresses, when you've been locked for a few weeks it won't matter what she's wearing, you'll crave her.
     
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  10. LesterBallard
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    LesterBallard Long term member

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    you can ask. She is free to ignore you, or punish you, or agree, as she sees fit. You don't get any say.
     
  11. Mash2214
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    Mash2214 Locked today, tomorrow, forever

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    When I read posts like yours @wanchin i have to admit they bother me.

    We get so concerned about What the rules for an FLR are or What the Chastity Rules are. The only thing that should matter is how the two of you live your lives together. Their is no Right or Wrong way to live an FLR relationship what works for you is what’s right
     
  12. Braddogg4345
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    Braddogg4345 Happily Owned by a Goddess

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    I dont think that making these requests to your KH is topping from the bottom. As long as you are being respectful to her and respecting her choices. If you are persistently asking her to do this or questioning her reasons for not wanting to do it, then youare topping.
     
  13. DonnaSue
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    DonnaSue Long term member

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    Open communication is critical to all good relationships. In that spirit, you should be able to make suggestions or beg for something to happen, but ultimately, in an FLR, her desires should supercede your desires at all times. You have given Her that authority over you as part of the relationship, and you must now live up to your submission.
     
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  15. Goddess Gaia
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    Goddess Gaia Looking for a Good boy in Phildelphia
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    I would say open communication in a relationship is crucial, but I would also caution to really think about what you're asking before you approach her. FLR is about making her life easier and making her happier...but you want her to put more effort into looking sexy to turn you on? How does looking sexy benefit HER? Most people see their home as a place to relax and unwind, and you want her to have more time to lounge about....but also dress sexier while doing it. It seems like that particular request is at cross-purposes from the overall FLR you've developed.

    Having a lack of motivation is very different from having a lazy leader. If she is leading in other areas and she feels fulfilled with the status quo, I wonder if maybe you might look further inside for your motivation. You asked for chastity, yes? I'm not saying "careful what you wish for," I'm saying make sure that you're doing all you can before asking her to change. If you asked her to be the leader, trust her leadership.

    <3 <3
     
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  16. kcuck5280
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    kcuck5280 Active member

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    Can't hurt asking. She may acquiesce, she may not. Once you're in an FLR, I think it's normal to try to test the limits.
     
  17. Joey love
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    Joey love Long term member

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    Of course everyone’s relationship is different but if you set up guidelines to express yourself so be it, but her decision is final. Now to say sexier clothes will turn you on and make it easier for you is topping from the bottom. I don’t think it’s necessarily about making it easy for you.
    Good luck
     
  18. Chaste J.
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    Chaste J. Long term member

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    Sexier clothes do not make someone who is already sexy any more attractive surely! Now Mrs Chaste in leather with a whip might be exciting but it couldn't improve her sexiness! And ladies clothes are something very personal to them. I know some women actively seek a partners opinion and help in choosing outfits but as a lot of blokes think "the sluttier the better" you can understand why most don't!
     
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  19. filltee
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    filltee Junior Member

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    Some conflicting views here.
    My opinion only so not a gospel for all

    A FLR is a female led relationship as I see it that is not a dictatorship. You have to temper fantasy idealism and real life. Communication, generally, is the key to most long lasting realationships and communication has go in both directions.

    You can set aside specific times for requests, suggestions if that appeals to you but in reality you do need them.
    Shedule time for negatiation too, not everything is going to work for you both all the time if you don't make time to dicsuss these things rationally then negative feelings can arise in one or both of you even resentment and relationship breakdown.

    It is important too to be aware that without good communication you will not always both be aware of what is good and is working for you individually and as a couple, sharing the positive both strengthens the foundation of your relationship and provides things to build on or explore in both the long and immediate future.

    Topping from the bottom, if you gave up control then don't do it.
    Communicating appropriately is not topping from the bottom.
    Nagging is never good... whoever is doing it

    if either of you haveto keep repeating a request perhaps it is time to stop and question why is your partner is repeatedly adopting their apparently chosen attitude or response to your request perhaps it is time a compromise was considered by one or both of you or maybe reciprocation in regard to something esle .. tit for tat sort of thing but only in a positive way.

    In a specific case similar to that of the OP Think about it... neither partnerwould really appreciate the other looking a mess but dressing to impress requires effort and sometimes that requires motivation. Especially if you are tired fo example. But subtle suggestion and positive reinforcement is far more likely to sucessful in the long term than nagging which can actuaslly provoke counter productive responses. Creating positive feelings through compliments actions and demonstrations of appreciation is far more likely to encourage and promote in others the desire for more.
     
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