Broaching the idea of chastity to a vanilla boyfriend (may as well be husband)

Discussion in 'Chastity in vanilla life' started by ducksnake, Dec 17, 2017.

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  1. ducksnake
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    ducksnake Member

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    First a bit of backstory on me and the Mr.. Back in 2009 I wasn't entirely sure about my own sexuallity, I was sure I was about 60% gay, 40% straight lets say, I was proper bisexual. That year I started going out whith a pretty masculine girl (we'll call Mary) whom I had met through the car club, and we hit it off pretty quick. To this day the cars still play the biggest part in our lives, and we organise track days and a car club of our own. After about a year into the relationship, I knew the sexual attraction wasn't there, though everything else about our relationship was great. Plus I had many many many secrets in the closet that were NOT out in the open. Lots of kinks, I love mens thongs (wear them daily) and jockstraps that I'd have to hide whenever it was date night, I'd have to break out the boxerbriefs. Bondage play and domination, where a thing I wanted, and of course the fact I was Bi was not even known! Yeah I was couping up all these deep deep desires, and was not aroused by the relationship, def wanting more cock in my life (sorry for being so blunt, that that was the thoughts in my mind). I decided to break up with Mary, admitting I needed more in my life than what was there between us... Pretty harsh, but I didn't want to keep living a lie, and I didn't want to say that I was gay. Oddly enough, Mary's first boyfriend had done just that... Hooked up through the car club and then figured out he was gay and broke it off, which absolutely ruined her. I then moved to the other end of the country to persue my career, but Mary never left my mind...

    A year and a bit later (me now being at least 80% gay), we were certainly on talking terms again, if not back to being good friends through the car club. I had a few girls hit on me, which I had to ignore or reject, still being in the closet, and sadly breaking their hopes without them knowing why (yikes, life can be a bit brutal sometimes). One night at a party I had a wee japanese girl ask me straight up why I was not reciprocating her advances (I'm too socially awkward to notice these advances anyway, I'm such a dolts)... And I had to say there was still another girl on my mind that I could not let go of. A couple months later I flew back up north to visit my parents, and I took the opportunity to get back together with Mary. Mary was very excited to get back together, having never really given up on me either. But on our first night back together I planned to bring everthing to the table when we hit the bedroom. I was wearing my favourite clever thong, I wore it all night while we were out, barely containg a boner the whole time, so very very excited that I'd finally get to share my kinks. I didn't mention a thing until we were in the bedroom stripping off. Mary was undressing me and unzipped the jeans and had a little wtf moment when she saw what I was wearing. Curiously continuing exclaiming "what is this!?". Cue the floodgates, me in nothing but my thong in front of her for the first time, and for the first time getting back together. I said the reason I broke up initially was because I was gay, and was keeping too many secrets. That I didn't want to say why because of the first boyfriend doing the same... That I love bondage, wanted to be cuffed up and whatnot, love my thongs a little too much etc. And then he dropped a bombshell on me...

    From here on out we will refer to my partner as He, lets say "Barry". Barry today is about to go under the knife in a few months for top surgery, and has been on testosterone for 2 or 3 years! Yes it is offensive for those that don't know, to refer to a Trans man like barry, as she, or her. So do keep that in mind! I only did so leading up to this point since at the time back in 2009 and 2010, we did not know.

    That night we hooked up again, I thought I was the one with the closet full of secrets, I had nothing on Barry... He opened the floodgates on me, telling me he was secretly a somewhat gay man, teaching me about gender dysphoria, and all that it entails. From that day forth, after we both came out to each other, we've essentially vowed not to keep secrets from each other, laying all on the table to be accepted (and we do accept eachother). It's uplifting to be able to be able to share ones kinks, walking around the house in a thong and doing the cleaning for example (and funny enough for a man with underwear kinks in the chastity community, I don't do womens underwear, this is strictly mens thongs and mens only, with the occasional jock and mens bikini bottom chucked in the mix). We've done the bondage thing, I've got a bag full of ropes, chains, cuffs, and dildo's next to the bed... But all is not well in the bedroom.

    Barry is pretty damn vanilla... hence my posting this here, as this story from here out pans out like a man into chastity (and other kinks) trying to convince his other vanilla half. I've told Barry from day dot when we got back together "My dick is yours", funny enough in this situation having two meanings. But what I'm meaning here is that I want him to have control over it. That much has been established since before I even knew I was into chastity. I'm very much the sub of the relationship, getting pegged everytime we have sex, but he never really either got what I meant by this, or was not really caring for it. I want him to be the one who initiates sex, I want him to be the one saying what kink we'll play with tonight, but that doesn't happen. If we are to have kinks in the bedroom, I end up being the one controlling that situation and bringing them in, but thankfully he does play along, I'll chain myself up, and we did get great sex, the passion was there.

    Unfortunatelly dysphoria is a powerful powerful thing. It messes with your mind, it plays with your emotions and desires. Barry frequently gets depression from it. Sadly in the trans community, this aspect is ever present, and many many take their own lives. Thankfully barry has a level head, and is too stubborn to do something like that by his own admition, this much we have established. Barry has strong career ambitions, plans for new mods and resto's with the many cars that we own, we are very emotionally stable in that regard, thank god... Where the depression and dysphoria present themselves is in the bedroom. Half the reasons I had to initiate was not out of Barry's dissinterest in the role playing or sex, but was because of the dysphoria messing with him. Every time we were having sex he would be reminded of the fact he doesn't have a dick, and was not getting much pleasure out of it. It's now been close to two years since we've had sex. The last two years I've maintained myself through a vigorous programme of masturbation. I don't so much mind, as Barry and I are very much in love, and see ourselves together for many many years to come. We have so much in common, never fight, thoroughly enjoy each others company, regardless of physical appendages. But I never masturbate in front of Barry, you could say I'm too shy to. I'll either wait till he's gone to bed then watch some porn (which over the last two years has featured an increasing ammount of chastity), or do it in the shower, or when I'm home and he's not for example. I got a bag full of dildo's and that keeps me happy enough.

    I got my first chastity device earlier this week... At first keeping it a secret from Barry. I got an HTv2, and I managed straight off the bat to wear it for 2 days straight, quickly figuring out how to aleviate the ball burn and what not. I don't know why I went ahead with getting one, other than wanting to try wear something on my genitals through the day (appealing to the bondage kinks), and playing with the idea of being controlled with my orgasms through some other means. Being controlled was actually not a desire driving me forward... But I linked the dots with pretty quickly with chasity, and my comments when we got back together about wanting my dick to belong to Barry. I didn't even realise myself that this was what I wanted, FULL control.

    Funny thing a few nights ago, after having just dominated my rear end with a dildo trying to force a 'hands off' orgasm (I've acheived this many times outside of chastity before, but havn't been able to with it on), keeping in mind this is consitant with my recent regime of masturbation, this sort of thing is normal now. I was in the shower still with a semi and the cage on, big red dildo on the shelf next to me as I cleaned myself up... Barry walked into the bathroom for a pee. The toilet is right next to the glass door of the shower, but he didn't even notice the cage or dildo! hah. The next morning, the morning of day 3 (this saturday) in the holy trainer (for the first time ever in chastity), I decided to do the big reveal, keeping the theme of total honesty between us alive. He said "oh cute" the moment he saw it (I felt instantly a bit demeaned, but then I realised I liked that, hahaha) and we got onto talking about it. He asked about medical dangers with it etc, but I assured him it's safe and many thousands wear these for weeks or months on end. Then he did the bloody flip on me again, and whipped out a new dildo he had purchased (remember we haven't had sex in two years!). I was pleasantly stunned by this new development, this one has a bulb he can insert, and peg me that way. But has kept it secret for a month since things in the bedroom had gone cold...

    Suffice it to say it's nice to clear those secrets out of eachothers closets agan, and return to a state or equal and total honesty. But still, Barry is vanilla (I can't even get him to wear a jockstrap to keep his prostetic in place, he'd rather just not wear the prostetic rather than wear a jockstrap), and has really not said a thing about the chastity since saturday morning. I think I want him to be the key holder, but for now I'm worried about wearing the holy trainer. That afternoon I had to take it off as my balls finally started to ache... It's the scrotum, mine is not very large, and the device stretched the heck out of it, after three days of beind stretched it finally said enough... and I am still recovering. I'll jump straight back in the cage and start again the moment the scrotum isn't tender anymore, whilst I wait it's getting plenty of moisturiser! That night I made sure my rear end was nice and clean for anal, hoping for, wishing that Barry would initiate sex with the new dildo of his, but we only cuddled and fell asleep spooning (first time we fell asleep spooning in about two years too, so things are already on the mend there!!!). It's nice to have that love in the bedroom return.

    So we shall see where this goes. I'd like to keep this thread updated. It's sunday night now and I'm about to go to bed. Hopefully over the next we weeks we'll finally break the dry spell between us, and maybe I can convince my vanilla better half to be a key holder.

    Thanks for getting this far... I thought I'd just write a few paragraphs, but instead this took 3 hours to write! It means a lot to me that anyone should read this at all, thanks for coming on this journey with me. Much love <3.
     
  2. Mandynjack
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    Mandynjack Long term member

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    Oh hunny, what a story and journey. I think what you want and what you get can sometimes be so far apart you wonder if things will ever be just about right. Here's the thing though, both of you have been on journeys of your own and I'm guessing still on them. Barry sounds like he has a long way to go to achieve the full 'he' mindset and in addition to that you need your kinks to be recognised. No judgements!
    I think you are like so many couples out there, still finding your way and if it's to work, significant patience is needed.
    Also, you need to rethink your device. In my experience, not all devices are suitable for all people. May be you need to concentrate on getting one thing right first and build from there. Thank you for sharing.
     
  3. guodor
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    guodor Chastity FAN!

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    Beautifull story! It gives everyone hope that the right person exists. The only thing is that, sometimes, we are the ones looking for the wring thing.
    Fir me, chastity made me realize exactly this. It was nit about having more sex or cumming more often but rather the opposite.

    I identify a lot with what you have described about yourself.
     
  4. ducksnake
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    ducksnake Member

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    Thanks for replying. Thankfully there have been no judgemental aspects to the relationship, we’re fully accepting of each others quirks. An yeah, I'm happy to wait this one out... I haven't orgasmed since I got the cage, even in the days of recovery not wearing it. I'm really enjoying the concept of orgasm denial, and leaving it up to barry.

    I'm wearing the HT again tonight, i'll broach the idea of his control if we end up going to bed at the same time. At the very least I would love to be seen in it, in front of him again, it's a good feeling.
     
  5. sissyassslut
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    sissyassslut Active member

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    Powerful story thank you for sharing it
     
  6. ducksnake
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    Sneaked into bed before the other half last night, so had my chance to initiate at least a convo... I've been putting on the holytrainer every evening after comming home from work, and wearing it through the night, letting my balls rest during the work day, and the sack to stretch out at night! It's getting easier and easier, and I haven't cum in over a week now (I noramlly don't go more than 2 days). He saw me come out of the bathroom with nothing but the holytrainer on, this made me very excited. After I waited for him to finish up, I latched on like a limpet when he came back into bed and had a good snuggle. We started to pillow talk, and he ended up gushing about career aspirations, wondering why he's going no where in this current job and how we need a passive income so we can explore the world, how he needs to get some of his books published and start to get royalties...

    Yes I agree, all these points are true, I even had some good points to add... I'm also sitting here offering myself to you and you can't see it... :( After we were done I did mention how I've been loving the holy trainer, and how unbelievably horny I've become, nearly grinding myself againts him in bed... his comment was along the lines of "I like how I'm sitting here re-thinking my life, and you're just thinking about your toys"

    :(

    I'm not angry, this is understandable, par for the course with the depressions involved with life, and to boot there was a death at his workplace 3 days ago... But still... Sad. His IQ is a good 120 as well (I'm not as smart, but I'm not far off), so it's nothing new to have the realities of life get in the way, we find it hard to just drop everything and say 'f*ck it, lets go nuts'.

    Bless him, I love him, but who knows when the time willl be...

    When we got back together, I established that I'm not of the monogamous persuasion (again, we keep no secrets). I asked if he'd be ok with me seeking other men at some point in the future during our relationship, so I could get a taste of some cock whilst we wait (has now been 6 years and counting) for the physical transitions to happen... He was very much ok with this idea, and mentioned he'd like to do the same with some women (he's more straight than bi, unlike me being 99% gay at this point). I must re-establish that our love for each other is very very much beyond the physical, we're soul mates, not fuck buddies.

    So now I have to decide... Do I sit and wait... Self lock, deny myself for however long it takes for him te get out of this current funk and f*ing pegg me... (I know you guys probably think at this point "wait, you have to decide, since when is there another option?"). Or do I get a playmate. I signed up to fetlife a few days ago, and have already found a gay guy in town who's into rubber play, ropes, and he contacted me because he said he's very curious to try chastity!

    Keeping the theme of no secrets, I will tell "barry" that I have found this guy, and I will ask for permission to play. But here's the cool thing... Old me probably would have gone off and done this, then go "oh btw I found a f*ckbuddy"... New me, since trying chastity feels oblidged to ask for permission first, and am going to offer for him to hold the keys whilst I go off and play, really putting the chastity device to do what it's designed to do and keep me "faithfull", whilst I go lock up another guy for the first time and have some fun.


    Ooooh such fun. Don't you guys worry about me though, I'm all good, nothing like this phases me. I know plenty of people that would be languishing in torment after the few days I've just had, but me, meh, life will do this sorta thing, I've been through worse, take it as it comes and roll with it. :rolleyes: Personal sufferage is a choice, a result of ones personal outlook on life.
     
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  7. ducksnake
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    So the Mr. and I sat and had a long talk. Had to talk about what was happening with us. I started with the question of me hooking up with another fetlife person in town, and if that was ok. It was. We discussed in depth what our realtionship is, which is one of the mind, not the physical. He won't be my keyholder, not now at least, and the response to me offering the key whilst I was off with a play mate was met with a "well, if you want me to..." I broached the idea of him exploring his straight said, to which he said "The odds are stacked against you, it's pretty much 80% straight, 20% gay". And he'd still be keen to go see what it's like with a woman in future, to which I said I'd fully support that, and wanted for him to have the experience.

    Then we geeked out about space, physics and star trek until 2:30am... It sure is an odd relationship we have, and we are both very aware of that. Hmm.

    I'm happy, it's ok if he's not going to be my Dom, or key holder, again, we go beyond sex... But I am extremely excited by the idea I might get a playmate...
     
  8. ducksnake
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    Well a bit of good news... The other night I got myself all prepared for a bit of anal play, but I thought rather than doing it by myself like I have been, I announced my intentions to 'barry', saying "I'm going to play with my toys, you're welcome to join in", to which I got a positive reaction. He rolled over and one thing led to another, before you know it I'm getting pegged proper, and have one of the biggest orgasms in my life. I locked up and helped him get off next. It was extra fun having the chastity device in the mix, had a bit of that humiliation come into it which I especially enjoy...

    I think the endorphins did him a world of good, like myself. And finally breaking the dry spell seems to be mending our sexual relationship quite well.
     
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  9. ducksnake
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    So, things are much better between us now. It's good settling back into having everything out there and no secrets between us again. Each night emerging from the shower with my cage on, things getting a bit more normal. Talking with him about the sex after the fact, he mentioned a bit of the dysphoria had been releaved, he very much enjoyed pegging me, probably as much as I did!

    We also went on a wee 3-day road trip around the south island (without the cage), this gave my balls some good time to rest and recover, they are training up nicely though. I noticed more than once waking up with them actually out and proud, which is a new feeling for me, and a good feeling I might add, actually feel a bit more like a man! (I'm not of the sissy persuasion, this is a desirable outcome for me).

    Another benifit has been the fact I am now MUCH more snuggly, getting a good cuddle in every night, and having a good bit of pillow talk each night has been nice, I feel more together now than ever before.

    After coming back from holiday, putting tha cage on was easy, a 1-minute affair now! Nice! It sits much nicer and is more comfortable. Still can't got 24 hours though, I still have to remove it each morning... this morning I had to at 3AM, as my balls were killing me trying to retract to safety...

    Progress at least!
     
  10. Mandynjack
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    Mandynjack Long term member

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    It's good to talk:)
     
  11. ducksnake
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    ducksnake Member

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    #11 ducksnake, Jul 15, 2019
    Last edited: Jul 15, 2019
    So last six months have been pretty boring. Have had no more action with the Mr, he’s pretty much asexual with the dysphoria. I drifted in and out of self locking, maybe max 6 weeks unlocked about 3 months ago.

    I then tried something different. Thought why not just allow masturbation while self locked. Yeah was fun ‘n’ all for a few weeks, but just got boring... previously had been allowing masturbation as a reward for being locked for a week or two.

    So that was a fail. Then I thought, well if more masturbation = less fun, let’s try something different again. None. I set myself the goal last month, no release until you can orgasm from anal only. This stepped things up to a whole new level, has brought the fun back big time! I’ve come so close to orgasming so many times but have been unsuccessful. Have milked myself proper multiple times, getting so so horny from it.

    This new found hornyness has brought me back to the forums here, and got my A into G to find a dom/top to serve. Tried Grindr for the first time, and actually found a key holder from Australia here on holiday, but our timing wasn’t right. So mild success, nice to see more kinks on there, gotta keep trying. Though Grindr is scary, looks like some STD’s are abounding, so have to bide my time and find someone who isn’t there for sex right now.

    Currently been locked 24/7 for 2.5 months now, smashing my old record of just one month. No orgasm for over a month as well, bringing great excitement!

    Do keep in mind I’m locking for fetish reasons rather than as a means of being controlled by the SO. I want to role play as a sex slave, it’s not necessarily a way to make me a better person or to kerb a masturbation problem/to serve a purpose at all in my relationship, if ya get my meaning. Kind of a minority of a stance on these forums!
     
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  12. Design is me
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    Design is me Long term member

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    I don`t have a lot of experience with gay or bi persuasions, but i don`t think that matters. If you are in love then it shouldn`t matter.
    I have been married for twenty years and have always hidden my kinky side from my wife. Its only been in the last three years that i have opened up to her about all of my kinks. We are moving slowly because she is also very vanilla.
    With that said, you haven`t mentioned wanting to have a commitment with him. That could go a long way with any trust issues. That may be something to discuss with him. Maybe suggest only cumming in his presence or something along those lines. Giving him control over your orgasm. That is very common here.
    Another thing standing in the way of happiness for both of you, is his dysphoria. You might want to suggest having him see a proffesional to help him get through it. That seems to be causing the problems with your sexual relationship. If he can get past that then you both can be happy together.
    Good luck.
     
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