Behaviour modification

Discussion in 'Female led relationships' started by Eric92, Feb 20, 2021 at 4:12 AM.

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  1. Eric92
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    Eric92 Member

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    My wife and I have recently started long term 24/7 chastity. Our biggest hurdle as far as rules goes is my anger. When we are fighting, I have a hard time snapping out of it and returning to my obedient sub state.
    Our question, what are some effective ways to use the chastity in order to stop a fight or my part in it? Is the chastity something that can be integrated into REAL arguments, or is it something that needs to be rectified after the fact? I want to change these things for her but have a hard to breaking that mental state when im upset. I tend to just get loud, I start speaking quickly and tend to cuss a lot more. All very unappealing qualities I would like to correct for our relationship. Thank you in advance!
    Eric
     
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  2. asastype
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    asastype Service sub to Mistress AMA

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    I don't think chastity or any kink can stop a serious fight. I'd suggest you find out the root cause of these arguments and find a way to solve those issues through better communication.

    Rather than focus on your chastity kink to solve these isseus, i'd suggest thinking of your relationship with your Dominant and your desire to behave better before starting to speak when you feel upset. Think how much you value Her participating in this kink and how you don't want to risk that through boorish behavior.

    Best of luck working through this.

    asa
     
  3. HusbandX
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    HusbandX Active member

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    Think of chastity, and a female-led world as tools, but tools don't do the job. The carpenter or mechanic does. You can own the tools, but they must be used, and must be used correctly, and there must be integrity in the work space, else the tools do nothing at all.

    You may benefit from a key word, which is inviolate. Your wife may say something, at which point you will do something, no questions asked. If your wife recognizes temper, she might say "undress," at which point you must undress, regardless of whether you think you have a temper, or are in the right. It just doesn't matter. Your agreement is that regardless, your wife's call is without exception, and without right of argument. She says, you do. You can discuss it later.

    Your wife might say "corner," and you go stand in a corner, face to the wall, until told otherwise. NO questions asked.

    Unless you don't want it, then chastity isn't really a punishment, though once you're in it, she might use it that way. She might determine that you won't be unlocked or released for a given period, based on an offense or infraction.

    Chastity, when consensual and both are active participants, can be part of the act of demonstrating submission to your wife. As a stand-alone feature, it isn't sufficient, and at a minimum, requires willing participation. So long as you pick and choose when you'll play along and when you won't, the tool is ineffective. If your wife recognizes your temper and you don't, then it absolutely must be your wife's call, not yours, and it's something that you cannot question, and with which you cannot interfere.

    Yes, your behavior can be changed, and your wife can help with that, but it's you that must expend the effort here by doing your part. So long as you don't want to change, your wife can't change you. She can help you, but you must want to be helped.
     
  4. Rider9
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    Rider9 Locked4her

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    Chastity will not keep you from fighting. We had one or two serious fights when I was locked.
    To prevent fighting you must deepen your relationship. Respect each other and learn the causes that trigger arguments.
     
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  5. LesterBallard
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    LesterBallard Active member

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    chastity's a fetish, fights are real. You need to look to other ways to control your anger. Chastity won't.
     
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  6. Jah Rubbings
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    Jah Rubbings Jah Rubbings

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    Chastity does help me check myself sometimes. And our arguments have been noticeably less severe and long, and we get back to calm much quicker now that I'm locked up. A good portion of that will be down to the confidence in my devotion to her, that having her man chaste brings on her side, and me trying harder to please her on mine.

    The dynamics change, and for me I am calmer. So I think in some ways chastity can help with those petty squabbles that haunt a lot of relationships, but if there is an underlying major issue, stress or disagreement it can get in the way.
     
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  7. SubSnuggler
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    SubSnuggler Owned by Fiona with the Magical Velveteen Pussy

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    ++
     
  8. Jinkyu
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    unless we're in a big fight, Mistress will tell me to go plug up if I'm not behaving well.
     
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  9. missmissy
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    Not only effective, but in a sense a 'time out' or counting to 10 gap, or pause, for reflection and realization of the anger and waiting for it to subside. Smart Mistress.
     
  10. King Hippo
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    My wife and I never yell at each other or fight... even before we started all this... If we did I would have ditched her over 10 years ago.
     
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  11. MrPickle
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    MrPickle New member

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    I can be arsey and bad tempered, but a lot less so when caged, and a whole lot less after not being allowed to come for 5 days or more, but eventually the blast of chemicals stopping you losing it makes you lose it big time.
    So my wife is conducting an experiment to see what frequency suits me best, if edging sperm out prolongs the good bit etc.
    So far the results are pretty good and I'm being held in this "middle state" for longer periods now. Coming too often really isn't good for my mood.
     
  12. Wooly
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    Being married for many years helps but the most effective for me is when my voice starts to raise or my attitude is sliding, She gives me that (Do you I need to get the paddle look). I re-evaluate very quickly!! But that works for us, you just need to figure out the issues and make something work for you!!
     
  13. StubHub
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    StubHub Active member

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    My Wife doesn't need the paddle. Her look is enough.
     
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  14. Ormaz
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    Try reading this.
     
  15. Feathers.Sub
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    Hello,

    very interesting thread because this (behaviour modification) is something we are also discussing in our FLR.

    I totally agree!

    Again, I totally agree. Adding a few more thoughts:
    While others and also myself have mentioned in several postings that a FLR is all about her and not about the submissive (which I think is true) it's also a LOT about me, because me being the submissive is getting so much out of it. I have never felt beeing so much attracted to the woman I am currently in a relationship with and I also really enjoy caring for her (and - obviously - increased hornyness is also a nice side effect :)).

    Our FLR is still a "relationship" and as in every relationship there are times, where we are both not "in mood". @feather might not be in mood, beeing the dominat (all the time) and sometimes my old ego comes to and I'm not in mood beeing submisse. More important it seems that I am having a hard time beeing the submisse if we have kind of a fight or an argument.
    We have a contract and also a weekly review about how well I did in our relationship and the outcome will have consequences about how much pocket money I get for the week (which can - and it happened several times - can also be zero) which a good method to enforce a behaviour modification.
    But this is mainly helping me beeing ontrack within a longer perspective, I am often struggling in case where we have a fight / discussion and both of us would like to enforce our FLR also in those situations.
    AND ... honestly, it's not easy for me beeing submissive, when I think she is NOT right or is overreacting. Additionally I tend to be somewhat arrogant in those situation. I thing about myself that I am looking at the situation from a more "objective" view, while my partner is "to much" emotional.
    I'd like to change my behaviour because beeing submissive when it's not very hard (and I get enjoyment of beeing submissve) is easy and is more like a kink. In my FLR I don't want to have a submissive switch but I think that our relationship will grow a lot, if I learn beeing submissive in situation where I am normally offending my partner or beeing a rude and arrogant asshole.

    So I got a task this week to look for some kind of rituals which we can adopt to enforce beeing submissive in situation where I am not (really submissive). AND it should happen in a natural way, which doesn't feel like she HAS to do something special or which feels awkward in this situation.
    I also don't want (at all) that I am kind of topping from the bottom in that way, that my (mis-)behaviour triggers her enforcing submissiveness.

    As such I am looking for tips (for her, not for me), what will resolve those situations and which we can implement very easily (and maybe even then, when we are not alone, but the kids are arround).
    Some of the ideas, like beeing ordered to go to a corner in this moment (without any further word against that) or to be told, to undress sound like it can't be done in EVERY situation.
    There will be some questions by her kids, if she do so.
    Additionally I think, that if she is angry with me, she maybe doesn't want to deal with this dom/sub thing and just to be left alone and me rethinking my standpoint.
    If I try to switch roles and if I would be really angry and then have my girlfriend walking arround naked, it just won't feel right but strange, even more because I might NOT be attracted to her at this moment.

    The idea I came up is to get an order to shutup for a certain amount of time by a simple quote:
    "15 minutes NOW" = no further word from my side for the next 15min.
    Or something like "Leave NOW" to leave the room and beeing allowed back when she is ready and without the permission to discuss anything about the topic if she doesn't bring up the topic.

    But more important, she and also I would like to hear how others are enforcing correct behaviour from their subs, without beeing forced to come into a strange role, which feels like a "mum" who is trying to educate her child.
    Because after all, even if I am her sub, I am still her man and beeing proud to be so and the last thing I want for her is, that she looks at me like beeing a pubescent kid who is not folling her orders or picking up fights.

    feathers.sub
     
  16. Isopropylforyou
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    The first thing you need to become aware of when you are getting angry.

    You need to stop yourself immediately and then remove yourself completely from the situation.

    Then set a timer for 15 minutes and do something else. Like check in with Chasitiy Manson. Once that timer is up check with yourself and see how you feel better worse and why.

    You also need to start journaling your feelings. If you do not let your feelings out regularly they will bottle up and when they finally have an outlet, any outlet BOOM!!! out they all come like a damn bursting.

    Fun fact, the longest someone can stay angry is 3 seconds.

    Yep 3 seconds.

    It's the memory of what made you angry that starts the process all over again. That's why with time memory fades and so what you remember being angry about.

    Iso.
     
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  17. serving Goddess
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    serving Goddess Owned pet/slave/hubby.

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    In O/out FLR,
    All critical conversation takes place with this male on his back at the foot of Her bed, legs spred with hand holding knees open. She will typically use light CBT, and heavy teasing while giving instructions and daily expectation. She has permanently locked to Her cage, a chain leash, so arguing is futile, because She could grab Her leash, a drag me somewhere to have a critical conversation.
    As far as punishment goes. If i get mouthy, or argumentative, a round of hard face slapping, shuts me up. Arguments also lead to a serious pegging, with Her continuously asking me if i know my place in this relationship.
    But back to the arguing. Its easy to slip into old habits, in O/our case, there is not only a written contract, by a printed set of rules, expectations, and possible punishments. That this male has read, agreed to, and signed. This also helps in those moments.
     
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  18. serving Goddess
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    Respectfully i would try something like this in O/our case, this male would be placed into this device before the conversation started
     

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  19. serving Goddess
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    Well said
     
  20. serving Goddess
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    If your not the couple that has quick bondage set up available, try wearing a gag locked on for a day or so, that will help you think about the privilege of free speech lol.
     
  21. serving Goddess
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    Chastity is a lifestyle for some, and not a fetish
     
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  22. Mauiperson
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  23. Feathers.Sub
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    What I really don't like is that SHE has to do something at all to bring me back into the proper state.
    If I would be the female and I am angry or in a bad mood, because it seems that my sub is not that connected to me as he should, I wouldn't run into any kind of session (maybe a short and intense reaction, but nothing fancy like starting a bondage or slapping session).
    Also it involves the risk, that "bad behavior" from the sub is rewarded through strict consequences (which might be exact what he is looking for, because he would feel the dominance of his woman (which is exactly what he is looking for)).

    Feathers.sub
     
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  24. madams-sissysub
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    agree with this 100%, and perfectly put to.
     
  25. serving Goddess
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    Thats fair.
    I dont like impact...so for me any corporal punishment, is ...well....just that....
    And....to be hir hard, in a slap and told to kneel, so i kneel......and it wouldn't matter where thus took place ....after many years if D/s......i would kneel.....and recieve....if even 5 hard slaps consecutive.....for sure that puts me back to where i need to be.....
     
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