Bat Crap Crazy

Poor Hubby does not know this ride has no safety bars. All we have to hold onto is each other but I will be on the ride with him all the way.

“What I believe” has been easier to solve than “who I am.” This is a list of things I came up with and wrote down last night that are what I now believe. They replace all the things I used to believe that turned out to be wrong.

1) Right is anything that hurts no one and you feel good about.

2) We are all responsible for our own happiness and sadness but both can be shared.

3) Love both physical and emotional should feel good. It is alright.

4) For me at least, physical love is monogamous.

5) Marital love is synergistic. Each of us is stronger together than on our own.

6) Love makes us better.

7) Love is work. It often involves compromise and doing things you may not want to do.

8) Love requires forgiveness. Forgiveness requires remorse and a sincere apology.

9) True love is caring about your mate more than you care about yourself.

This list may seem simplistic but it is what I have been struggling with, not just in the last few days but since we got married. I am just learning these things about myself a little late. I know I have hurt Hubby so much in the past but I know he forgives me because I am truly sorry and he has true love. The list is probably different for everyone. It’s what works for the couple. No one can tell you what is the right for you. And that goes for my mother! I’m sorry about that rant. I love her and hate her at the same time.

The area that has been more difficult to reconcile is who I am. That was up until tonight. After supper I was watching one of Hubby’s geeky science blogs with him. They were talking about this “Uncertainty Principal.” Apparently you can’t tell how fast something is going and know where it is at the same time. Makes no sense to me. I just look at the road sign and the speedometer and I know both things. Hubby tried to explain it to me and it set off a light bulb in my head. I told him I had to go think and I came to the office where I could put my thoughts together. A sign from above? This uncertainty principal might apply to people and life. I can’t know exactly who I am and still keep changing and growing at the same time. I can’t say I am exactly THIS person until I stop changing. Instead of trying to pinpoint what I am today, I need to look at what I want to be, who I will be tomorrow and the next day. I need to look to where I am going and how fast I will change and grow. I hope to be a little better every day. The day I can say exactly who I am is the day I cease to be interesting. I cease being a mystery to be solved. I cease growing. Hubby has struggled to understand me for six years. Well he better hang on tight because I hope he never gets to understand me. I want to keep changing and keep growing and this carnival ride we are on will keep getting more exciting every day.

I am not going to write a letter this week. I am going to have him look at this instead. I am not sure it will make a lot of sense to him. It just barely makes sense to me. We will not talk tonight. I’ll give him time to let his head stop spinning and tomorrow we can talk. I think we can finally figure out where we are going and how we can get there. Maybe the school teacher will start being there full time. Maybe it is just as well I have my monthly visitor this weekend. It will let us figure things out without getting distracted. I am not ready to make love again yet anyway. Tuesday was crazy and that will never happen again. I only let Hubby hold me Wednesday night. Thursday I asked him to caress me but not in a sexual way. Tonight I think I want him to just hold me and tell me I’m okay, I’m not really “Bat Crap Crazy.” He must be totally confused after what happened Tuesday. I hope Saturday I will be ready to return to our sensual love making. Maybe even a fuzzy. I love him so much.

 

Hubby has a saying. “When you are up to your ass in alligators it is hard to remember your goal was to drain the swamp.
My alligators were my fixation on figuring out who I am. YOU told me to drain the swamp but I was so distracted by the alligators I completely missed your message. Last night I finally quit worrying about the gators and started to drain the swamp.
If I had listened to you in the first place I could have been working on who I want to be a couple days ago.
Damn those alligators. LOL Thank you for trying to point me in the right direction.

 

This is Hubby.
I think she's got this. Saturday morning should be very interesting. I think she is ready to lead us on a new and wonderful journey. Or should I say carnival ride?
Missy, you are not really "Bat Crap Crazy." You just make me crazy and I love you for it.

 

Exactly. I think I am finally headed in the right direction

 

Not sure I am ready for that "much Fun" for a while. I don't think I am actually crazy. But maybe someday.

 

I am definitely out of my comfort zone. I have had a couple nights in the past when I was able to make love to Hubby . That was followed by fear and shame. This time there was none of that but I am still nervous. Most of the time I am sure I can do this now but then those old doubts show up in my brain.

I appreciate your support. It is different this time. But having a whole week to think about it till my monthly visitor is over doesn't help with the anxiety.

Sharing actually helps us. It makes us be honest with ourselves. It forces us to face the hard things head on.