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Balancing the needs of KH and non-KH partners in a poly relationship

Discussion in 'The Pedestal' started by goodbrant, Jul 6, 2017.

  1. Hello CM!

    I’m a keyholder to a submissive man in a polyamorous relationship. His other partners are not kinky in the same ways and do not want him to be caged when he is on dates with them. I’m having trouble balancing the Domme/KH lifestyle, with his being unlocked for several days a week.

    Have others navigated this balance? What worked in your relationships?
  2. and i thought two xxs the same household with an xy was a scheduling nightmare,
    goodbrant likes this.
  3. Because of my work I was starting and stopping chastity play with my key holder every month. What I found was the transitions were difficult. The first week had a long build up to get into the game, and then the last week fell apart because we both knew the game was ending... We had a few good weeks in the middle. It made it really tough, not something to fix, just something to know so you both can communicate about the frustrations, deal with the feelings and make efforts to mange when you are available for it. For me it took about 4 days to build up and it will probably take longer as I age. So if you are trying to fit it into a week, I could see the challenges compounding... You almost lose that natural submission from his urge to be sexually gratified. So you have to drive the submission with more deliberate actions.

    If he is truely submissive, or really enjoys that, I would recommend you make it more about submission than denial of orgasms. For instance, his chastity is like a collar, it signifies that he is under your control now and it is about what you want or there is consqences. That could still mean that you denie him, but if it was me I would be much more energised by my KH very actively dominating me. If I didn't do what she wanted, she would turn to any number of fetishes to put me back in line. Common ones being spanking, strap on play, your body worship, etc. Ideally the domination would be the tool for submission, with chastity only there to remind him he is on the leash. If he has other partners, you don't want your domination to go to waste, so I would incorporate orgasms into the unlocking, so at least you get the benefit of your hard work as a KH and not one of his other partners.
    Mark Owen and goodbrant like this.
  4. In my fantasies that would be the way it goes. However it's not the way our relationship is structured and I'm trying to figure out a solution that leaves everyone mostly happy. Turns out that there are way fewer women into having a caged boyfriend than I thought(and hoped)!
  5. Thanks for your perspective and looking at the situation from a different point of view. Communication is difficult when there are so many feelings involved!
  6. You are absolutely right, asking for what you want without the fear of rejection is the intimacy most long for... If your partner is poly, I could not imagine how many parallel conversations there are... @boisub@boisub had a good question which revealed what you want, sounds reasonable to me to ask for it to see where it goes. You may not get it, but you don't have it now, so what are you losing?
  7. I have to agree with @boisub@boisub on this one. You stated I am a KH to a submissive man. If he is your submissive and you are his key holder you should set all the rules concerning his penis and orgasms. If it suits you to unlock him for other women, then by all means do it, but make sure he knows it is happening only because you want it to. Otherwise I would see your relationship as being controlled by him. He comes to you for one of his kinks, but goes to someone else when he tires of it.
    boisub likes this.
  8. I was in a poly triad for 30 years with my wife and her best friend. Long story but we had similar problems. Our girlfriend sexually dominated me and my wife was submissive to me. What restrictions our girlfriend put on me, my wife did not follow. We ended up moving our girlfriend into our home. The problems still existed since our girlfriend wanted me denied any penetration and oral sex, as well as other things, but my wife did had any kind of sex I asked of her.

    Luckily my wife got into sex with her girlfriend and after a few years they were both on the same agenda. I do not think we could have worked it out if I was dominated by someone we both did not love. For us the solution was to invite my Mistress into our life and bed. We could not see it working any other way. It was my wife's doing, not mine. She is the one that asked her girlfriend to dominate me and then move in.

    We knew a few local poly families but none lasted long. I cannot see an arrangement where one person gets to dictate the sexual life of another member. That is not only unfair to ask, but also not practical. The only way for it to work is if all parties were dominating the same guy. In our case that is what essentially happened. My wife grew to enjoy girl on girl sex more then with a penis so she was happy to give up intercourse and oral. She did not and still does not, need my penis so she could care less about what her girlfriend did to or with it. She also joined her girlfriend in dominating me but as a helper, not a Mistress. She would leave the bedroom when the heavy duty stuff occurred but if her girlfriend wanted me dressed in a negligee all weekend with makeup, my wife would not interfere. I do not see being a KH working out in the relationship you now have. The basis of chastity is giving up control of your sex life to your KH. There is no way to do that in your relationship unless you got all the other female poly members to agree to give up the sex life they have, for the one you want them to have.
    danleft1 likes this.
  9. offer his other partners a key to the chastity?
  10. As Vinny wrote the only way to have it work is if all the partner are on the same page ... so you need to SELL IT to the others ... as an example: Each partner gets a key / you all agree the he only gets an orgasm every ___X___ days / but that he is to give each of you at least 1 orgasm every time he is with one of you / and in the ideal situation each of you would get a turn at rewarding him an orgasm but that it would be as random as possible (only you KH's knowing when) / this system would create him into the best serving all of you / and you each would have power over him / and it is a compromise from you not having total power ... but if he is a switch and he dominates over one of the partner then that partner will never agree / enjoy this idea.