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Are you a control freak?

Discussion in 'The Tower' started by L-u-c-y, Sep 25, 2017.

  1. L-u-c-y

    L-u-c-y Chief Goddess
    Staff Member Moderator

    Oct 20, 2015
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    This question is not for wives/keyholders/mistresses, it's for males who like to be locked.

    I see a lot of control freak tendencies from males here. You like to think you are being submissive but in most cases this is all a game you have put in motion and have the option to quit at any time.

    Your first reaction will probably be, no that's ridiculous, but think about it before you answer.
  2. At this moment in my chastity relationship with my wife I would say I probably am as I initiated the conversation about my being chaste. Yet we are halfway through an agreed lock up session and without any prompting from me she has let me out and said you can have a two night break; so I think things might be changing. I'm waiting to see what happens in a couple of days.
    L-u-c-y likes this.
  3. Hello @Mistress Lucy@Mistress Lucy , My long term partner/Mistress and I have been together 27 years , 22 of those has been a F.L.R which we entered into as we both felt that was the way we wanted our relationship to develop , chastity was introduced to our relationship 15 years ago by my mistress after she had seen a magazine article about it and wanted to try it , Things progressed to the point of me being locked 24/7 and only released at her discretion , it still remains her wish that I am locked and all control over the matter is hers with me happy to comply , Now that's a small part of our background , with regard to your question, chastity for us is a part of our jointly chosen lifestyle and certainly not a game , the option to quit anything is there for any person but in this case is not one I would take as it would totally go against her wishes and all the values on which we have based our relationship and that is something I would not want to damage in any way
    gary170, Felix cum ea and L-u-c-y like this.
  4. I'm definitely a control freak in all aspects of my life. Hence why I need a non-removable chastity device :p
  5. It is a very interesting question.

    I think you're right, and many Chastity journeys start with the male partner's kink. And it can easily be all about him.

    It is how it started for us, and it was fun for a little bit. But it became clear very quickly that such an arrangement was not going to last. I don't know if there are many woman who would put up with it.
    Certainly not mine.

    After a break from Chastity, she sat me down, and told me it was not satisfying for. Then she told me what it should look like for her to enjoy it, and so it is.

    If Chastity is not the way she wants, she will just ignore it altogether, leaving me with a feeling of self-locking, that is don't enjoy much.

    So in the end, Chastity is the way she wants it, or not at all.
    L-u-c-y likes this.
  6. Definitely so in the beginning with us. I was first to discover the concept and brought up the idea. She was not confident in herself at that point to go after only what she wanted. Not really understanding that I could possibly be satisfied by only bringing her orgasm without my own was initially beyond her beliefs.
    Fast forward a couple years. She now sees that in fact I can be satisfied. She now is able to reach a full satisfying orgasm without unlocking me now that she understands that very point. Her orgasm is very much tied into her emotions. Now that she has decided that only one orgasm a year is plenty for her to allow, and her newly found love for leaving me locked and horny while she is enjoying her releases she had become the freak in the most control now.
    Yes I do have the option to quit if I truly needed to. But if I don't have a very good excuse for stopping then she has clearly stated that it won't happen. As long as it's left in her control then I will always and forever be locked except for a couple times per calendar year.
  7. Umm yeah, maybe because this IS a game that we put in motion, and there is no such thing as not being able to quit, at least in a sane, non-criminal BDSM practice.

    As it has been stated in this forum by many people, the sub will and will always have all the power, he is the one who determines what he consents to relinquish control or not. While the dom can only fall into two categories:
    a. An enforcer for whatever the sub consented, which ultimately is for the enjoyment of the sub
    b. An abusive Ahole that tries to push for more than the sub consented, in which case they deserve the good old boot in the ass. You don’t need people like this in your life.
    MadamBelle likes this.
  8. As this is such an interesting question I do hope you won't mind if I answer...I promise to keep it nice.

    I am a complete control freak. I have to have things done a certain way at work, I demand people know what they are doing, and get upset if they aren't competent. I in general don't do anything I don't want to do, and if I do it's because I must. I hang my clothes up and organize them for each day of the week, I fold my undies, I need countertops to be clear, I get upset if Tupperware is used in the microwave (ruins them) and I have to keep them organized so I can find the lids.

    I know I am like this. I have to be like this. Not only is it part of who I am, it's almost like OCD. That being said, the one thing in my life that I can say that I have let go of all that is chastity. It's almost therapeutic. To not be a control freak, to give in and let go.

    As far as it being a game...at this point that is over. I think at about the 6 month mark we could have scrapped the cage, forgot about all of this, and went on as normal people do. Now it means more to her than to me...emotionally. I could quit, but the repercussions might be the end of our relationship. We might alter or compromise but she has been very consistent that I remain caged. She likes the caged me. So quitting is an option, just not a viable one.

    Our sex life in particular doesn't involve indulging in my needs...unless you count that as a kink. 99%of our sex life is her receiving attention. When we first started she was I think still trying to focus on me. Nightly teases, prostate massages, even a toy on me a few times. Since that initial period though, when she truly knew that letting her control that aspect of my life wasn't just a sexual thrill and was a mental break for me, a switch flipped and she felt guilt free about it.

    I understand some talk of setting terms with their kh, dictating when they should be unlocked or locked, wearing clothing their partner may or may not like, and in general making her a warden to a prison he created. I also believe that most are just starting this and there is a learning curve. Most I included had thought about chastity for some time and had ideas of how often I would get unlocked/teased/etc. but after reading from more experienced people have learned how that isn't giving up any control at all. As much as I truly am a control freak outside the bedroom, I am that much the opposite inside. I have never requested a release date, dictated lock times, or how or when sexual activity is done. It is my one place of total freedom where I don't have to think, or be responsible for decisions or if I'm doing the right things the right way. It happens just how she wants. Yes I do want sexual behavior towards me...but if it isn't given it's because she doesn't want to because I haven't earned it, not because she's lazy or taking me for granted. Yes she probably could just take advantage of that, but I trust her enough that I'm not worried in the slightest that she will.
    boisub likes this.
  9. I'm in the camp that is a little less literal. Yes of course you MAY quit, it would be illegal to physically force someone against their will. People have a choice...but sometimes the choices are not always good. My kh loves me, and would never harm me if I had a medical reason to remove the cage. If I said I missed having an erection or wanted the cage off "just cause" she would say no. I of course COULD push it, but that would lead to her feelings being hurt, and taking back a gift that she loves. To be honest, I believe she would talk me through whatever I was going through and get me to see her way.

    I know a few here that believe subs are in control, maybe in an esoteric do you own possessions or do your possessions own you kind of way...but control is control. I would like to get hard right now. I can't. There is one person that can change that, and it's her. I can demand her key, I can call a locksmith I can go to the ER, but that is out of my control. I don't particularly like doing the whole domestic service thing. I know she likes it, she wants me to do it, and she thinks I am more affectionate and submissive when I do. So I do it. This makes her happy which in turn makes me happy. Do I HAVE to do it? Technically no, but if I want her to be happy...which I do, I will suck it up and do it. That's control. It's not the absence of choice, it's the choices you make.

    Like I said though, others here have your view that subs are dominant and the dominants are subs. I just don't believe the whole system is rewritten just because technically a dom can't physically force you to do anything.
  10. Unlike @Nicoftime@Nicoftime I am not a control freak in any sense. I had a period of about a year where due to other work colleagues retiring and moving to other companies I was put in charge of a department. I discovered through that experience that I am an excellent second in charge and an awful boss. The relief when I had the opportunity to move to doing what I do now was enormous. I now work for myself and I'm much better at telling me what to do than I ever was at telling others what to do.

    With regards to my chastity, Elle is very definitely in charge. Of course I could demand that this all comes to an end, that I take the device off, get all my toys out of the safe where she locked them up and start masturbating myself silly, but why on earth would I want to do that? I have never seen my Wife so happy, so sexually fulfilled, so confident and wanting to experiment with new ways of bringing us ever closer. This is the best thing, I'm not going to ruin it by trying to take control.
    Jamie's-Locked and Queensbitch like this.
  11. I'm a control freak in the sense that I crave being controlled. Under our agreement my wife controls all aspects of our marriage and I am not allowed to question her or even suggest anything. This is my ideal world and she graciously allows me to live in it.
    Penney likes this.
  12. I am a total control freak but so is my wife (and our offspring - inevitable really). When we first got together it was as much a locking of horns as a love match. Still it has endured over 40 years so it obviously works.

    I have always got a great deal of my satisfaction (self respect?) from my wife's pleasure so my own pleasure/orgasm has always been rather secondary (perhaps that is also part of the control freak thing - i.e. she WILL orgasm).
    Allen1987 likes this.
  13. I really don't think I am a control freak, probably more of a perfectionist. We may have disagreements at times about many things. When it comes to
    what happens with me next, that is all hers now. I know she loves me, been together 41 years. I accept what, where,when and how when it to
    lock up. What she says goes, end of story.
  14. It all depends on your limits and expectations. If what you want is really to just please your partner, and you are OK with the things she demands, then it’s all on you. You’re still getting you want, even if you don’t enjoy all the steps in between. It’s like a job, you want the money so you put up with the work to get it, but the money is still the end result, and you decide if the work is acceptable.

    But reading your comments it does seem to me that you are approaching the B category I described. No offense, I don’t know you and I’m not trying to judge, by any means. But I mean really, it will “hurt her feelings” unless you wear a BDSM restraint device 24/7? Come on, if that’s true then her feelings are not in the right place, that’s like me doing emotional blackmail to pressure my girlfriend into wearing a tight corset or something.
    That falls under every possible definition of an abusive relationship with emotional blackmail, especially if she implies “the repercussions might be the end of our relationship”(!). You should not indulge such behavior, and if she actually leaves you for not wearing a BDSM device, then you are the one left winning.

    “I don't particularly like doing the whole domestic service thing. I know she likes it, she wants me to do it, and she thinks I am more affectionate and submissive when I do. So I do it.”
    “Yes I do want sexual behavior towards me...but if it isn't given it's because she doesn't want to because I haven't earned it, not because she's lazy or taking me for granted.”
    No offense man, really, but that is some serious battered wife talk right there. If it were a woman in your shoes every person on earth would tell her she is in an abusive relationship.

    Again, not judging. If it makes you happy that’s all that matters.
  15. Mistress Lucy, this slave is NOT a control freak other then back when it used to pretend to be alpha at its work.
  16. When I speak of it ending our relationship, it's not from her dumping me, it would be the change would damage our dynamic and trust. What is the reason for not wearing this if not to self pleasure or to cheat? Telling someone you trust them implicitly with your whole sexuality and then taking it back. She has not implied she would ever leave me, but to say that you can suddenly change a relationship parameter without being unsure of the consequences of those actions is naive. Some things you just can't take back. Yes you certainly are capable, but the changes it brings will always be unknown. A chastity device cannot be likened to a corset or other clothing, it's a device. It has a specific function and taking it off means more than a loss of fashion sense. It's like a wedding ring at this point, and it's deliberate removal is more than taking off my shirt. If this was some sex toy that she demanded I use for her enjoyment alone and I didn't like it, yes we would be stopping. This isn't a toy for us, and hasn't been since after a month or two of wearing it.

    As far as the sexual earning... that is actually ok with me. It's liberating to never have the feeling that she is having sex just because of pity or obligation. Although sex with me is pleasurable for her, it's not like it is through other means. So sexual activity for me is something we have both let go of pretenses about. It's a gift for me and is treated as such. She is about the sweetest gal on earth and before I initiated all this she would have happily went along they way we were. When I wanted total honesty and gave her control is when things changed to where it is. And yes I'm ecstatic about making her happy.

    I believe you are still in the category of this is all a game...I can quit any time I want...we play by my rules or we don't play at all. And yes if there was something too much for me to handle, we would discuss it further. We like any couple in a d/s relationship have discussed our limits. We have expanded on them several times as our comfort level with her control has grown on both our parts. I am glad you are having fun with it, and not judging you either, but after awhile wouldn't this all seem pretty fake if you can just quit? What is next telling her when she should unlock you? How to tease you? If you are going to orgasm...you might as well take it off. The ultimate backseat driver. Letting go is a challenge and takes trust, and not for everyone.
    boisub likes this.
  17. I respect your position, you’re the one who knows what you want. And if you’re happy and like the way you’re being treated, then nothing else really matters.

    But these really popped out:

    “What is the reason for not wearing this if not to self pleasure or to cheat?”
    What? Come on, the cage doesn’t just prevent sexual relations. It prevents erections, and it’s an objective hindrance to hygiene, grooming, and overall comfort. And even if you adjust to the hygiene and comfort issue, we still have the forceful prevention of an erection, which has two huge issues unrelated to having sex:
    1. Your body doesn’t get erections throughout the night or sometimes during the day out of nowhere, they have an important maintenance function. They can stop happening after a while, but that is not a good thing for you.
    2. Not having erections spikes the level of discomfort to a whole new level, and not just during the night. To me going without orgasms or even stimulation is easy, I can go for months without batting an eye. But without erections? That is a completely different game, it’s absolutely unreasonable to push someone to endure this outside the context of a roleplay.

    This is precisely why a huge number of people play orgasm control and chastity on the honor system, without a cage. And to me the submission is much more meaningful when you willingly abstain yourself out of sheer willpower, not just because you have a piece of metal on your penis.

    Also, don’t say “self pleasure” as if it were in any way a bad thing. She derives pleasure from sex, and so do you. Her pleasure is good, and so it yours, it’s basic reciprocity, and a relationship without reciprocity is objectively unhealthy.

    So really, implying that you can “either use the cage or be selfish and unfaithful” is absolutely orwellian, and objectively wrong.

    “wouldn't this all seem pretty fake if you can just quit?”
    I don’t even know what you mean. Any D/s or BDSM play whatsoever must be based on consent, otherwise the police should get involved. And the thing about consent is that you have to give willingly, it cant be something you only do because you have no other option. Any situation where you dont have the choice to stop is by definition not consensual.

    If these quotes are what you meant when you said “she would talk me through whatever I was going through and get me to see her way” then I’m sorry, but we’re back to battered wife talk. These are just bad rationalizations to justify lack of reciprocity and abuse.

    Again, don’t mind me, if you’re happy and like the way you’re being treated then nothing else really matters.

  18. Essentially it is the dynamic of any relationship that has a degree of power exchange, the sub chooses whether or not it will consent to giving power to the top. This choice can in reality be withdrawn by the sub at any time but the offer of power can be accepted or declined by the top but not taken against the subs will. At least not in a healthy relationship.

    Once the members of the relationship have embraced chastity play as a part of their lifestyle then there is always the opportunity for one of the members to be manipulative to a lesser or even greater extent; Of course there are multiple ways that could go. Which could be a topic for a thread all on its own.
  19. Agree that submissives willingly empower doms. The more manipulative among us learn how to 'top from the bottom'. As a contented sub who happily cedes all power to my wife, I never would dream of doing that. It's sneaky and dishonest. Either submit totally or stop wasting your dom's time.
  20. Opposite for me. I want to give up control - all of it. We dabbled in chastity/femdom a little, then just went back to normal. She actually brought it back into light with a "while you were at work" letter asking me "what's up". My response was that I (all of me) was there for Her taking, but She had to want it, She had to take the control that was always there for her to take. Since then, She HAS started taking that control, and I'm ecstatic to give it to her. The more seriously She takes it, the more I do. But unless it's something She truly wants and pursues, it wouldn't do anything for me.
    Joroincharge and GoddessMhistina like this.
  21. Great to see interaction. I wish I really could understand why giving control to someone liberates how I feel. The one I love has the control
    and what she does has reasons. I never feel put down or made to feel that I am lesser of a person. The dynamic relationship is very hard to
    explain. I know what I want, to give her the key and give her the the power to change my life. I have changed because of things she has
    shown me. I don't know how it works, but after being married 37 years something must be right.
    Nicoftime and gary170 like this.
  22. Joroincharge

    Joroincharge Lock em up - 24/7/365!!
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    Mar 10, 2009
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    That's it. She's got to want it herself and to BE a control freak, as you put it. So she's got you by the balls every which way and nothing you can do about it. Then the sky's the limit.:):):):)
  23. Indeed. If she wants it, she'll gradually take over your life and you'll thank her for it.
  24. I used to be the control freak, if it's not the chastity increasing my submissiveness :oops: I must be mellowing in my old age :rolleyes: