Am I missing something?

There is no such thing as topping from the bottom.

It's in your head because it's a 'cool' thing to write on a forum, but as all should know by now, the real power is in the one that submits. Because that person has the power to say 'No'.

Anything that happens, only happens because the bottom allows it to happen. I suppose it could be said that all bottoms are topping all the time, and the top is just a performing monkey who thinks they have a will of their own.

At the end of the evening words are just words, and meanings are whatever you want them to be.
Do whatever works for you.

 

With all due respect, I must state that I reject your supposition that those are the two choices that are available. The best part of this lifestyle is there is no right or wrong on how to do it as long as you follow the SSC (Safe, Sane and Consensual) theory. If you believe what you are saying and it works for you and your significant other that is wonderful.

My Wife/Mistress and I have a different dynamic as I am sure many others here have different ones from both of us. There always needs to be some shade of gray. We don't live in a world of black and white, we never will. To quote my therapist, those who live in a black and white world are delusional (not saying you are, just using a paid professionals statement for example).

For instance, in our home, I do the cleaning, I do all the laundry, I make the bed. She does the cooking and the shopping and carries the garbage to the road on Wednesday nights. If I'm up and think about it I may do it for her - not because it's expected but because I love her!

I take care of ALL the bills. However, by my mandate we sit down together and pay them together so if something happens to one of us, the other knows where we are financially. However, when we bought my car for my birthday - she did 100% of the shopping for it. I went out and sat in a couple of vehicles and said I want this SUV and she found the options, color etc. Once she had 5 options she showed them to me and said pick one. I did and she brought it to my office for me.

I'm locked in chastity - up until recently that has been far between sessions and never more than 4 or 6 hours because it would hurt me. I'm now at 19 hours of continuous lockup because I took it upon myself to lock up in an old device that I hadn't tried in 2 years and it went perfectly!

My point again is I'm no better or worse than her, you, your significant other or anyone else on this site. I do not judge you for your ways, but don't judge others for theirs as well. Try to step out of your perspective and look at others and you may find something that makes you happier or you may find you're already as happy as you wish to be and that's wonderful.

So in summary:
SSC - Safe Sane and Consensual is mandatory in this lifestyle
MKINYKBIO - My kink isn't your kink but it's OK. - This was taught to me 20+ years ago in my local group and has served me well.

Finally,
If you would like to communicate this openly and discuss I would be open to that at anytime.

 

I think there are merits in both points of view. The idea of the sub being the lowest of the low is hot, and I think this dynamic is one of the most exciting parts of chastity. But I'll throw this in...if we are so unworthy why would you want anything to do with us at all? I mean that a good sub (and I'm not saying I excel) will bring happiness to his lady and that surely elevates us beyond bottom of the food chain.

 

If my KH told me to obey, I would do as you asked. Point taken, thankyou for clarifying.

 

1. I'm not your hunny.
2. insert point 2 here
3. It's your idea, so presumably it's in your head. I was merely responding with my thoughts on the matter.
4. I don't care what you do or how you do it and I wouldn't presume to make any statement suggesting that you or anyone else might be 'doing it wrong'. Just have fun being you.
5. Point 2 is humorous.
6. Happy New Year to all!

 

I have had this discussion with vinny as well, he is big on “subs have all the control because they can refuse”. I don’t particularly agree, and I do think topping from the bottom is real.

Just the other day I was reading a thread here where a guy was talking about how much he wanted to please his wife. He wanted her to lock him longer, wanted her to be more aggressive, wanted her to take him further...I told him “that’s a lot of I wants lol”. I believe in communication and knowledge. Of course it’s ok to tell your lover what turns you on. Her knowing what makes you tick and what turns you on is information, knowledge is always better than ignorance.

The point is she doesn’t have to do anything she doesn’t want to do. I have given her consent to make the sexual decisions and discipline me for behavior. Yes I could find a way out of my cage, or just refuse discipline, but that would lead to consequences I am not all that fond of either. Permanent change in our dynamic or relationship. She wouldn’t take too kindly for me to quit and start and quit whenever I felt like it. It would render her control as an illusion, and she would stop.

Lock me for a month, now unlock me, I get a ruined orgasm a week, full orgasm after a month, use the belt on my ass then the paddle then the cane, now tell me I’m your bitch...that is topping from the bottom to me. He is telling her exactly what he wants AND expects to happen. I’ve mentioned things that excite or would make me more submissive...honesty and pegging for example. I think it’s super hot when she is honest about my size, she ended up liking the idea so will tell me she doesn’t need my little cock and would rather I get the strapon. Pegging I am not fond of but think it puts me in a submissive state. She tried it a few times but haven’t since. She obviously didn’t care for it, so she took it off the itinerary. All that is up to her. She can do all of it or none of it, the point is that if I kept asking her to peg me, I would be topping from the bottom. Telling her that being taken at any moment and used for her pleasure would take me down a notch or two, is knowledge and can be discarded if she doesn’t find it useful.”

So I strongly disagree with the sub having all the power just because they physically can refuse or escape. Sometimes logically it’s not an option. Our whole dynamic and relationship was built around her being my kh. To take that power away from her would alter US. If I said I don’t want to wear a chastity device any longer and it wasn’t because of a medical reason she would: want to know why, want to know if I was planning on wearing it again, explain that she wouldn’t be comfortable going back and forth, and probably ask me if there was something missing that we could work on that would keep me from quitting. I couldn’t just demand the key without us having a meaningful discussion, and even then I doubt I would walk away unlocked feeling everything was ok.

To me control isn’t the ability to refuse anything, it’s the inability to want to refuse her anything.

 

As a devoted submissive male I can say that the bottom can top only if the top permits it. My wife absolutely does not and she has extremely powerful incentives, to which I happily have consented, to keep me from attempting to manipulate her.

 

If anyone is mildly confused at my suggestion that a top is just a performing monkey, then rest assured my tongue is mildly in my cheek. Everything is down to communicating and a shared agenda.
For me, control is in continuing even though my instinct is to flee. Controlling my mind, my rising panic, my overloaded senses, and still being OK. That is control.
For her, control is being able to call the shots, hold the reigns, wield the whip and to do so safely.
Either of us can say no. Saying no is just as valid a communication as saying yes. It doesn't mean either of us comes anywhere in a pecking order.

 

Did you even read my post?

 

No, I just wanted to make sure you got to the end where I stated that black and white thoughts are generally bad and that you don't have to be wrong for others to be right. You can also respect that others don't want to be treated like they are less than anyone else. I can honestly say I've never met someone as obstinate as you appear to present.

 

I never said that what you are doing is bad, in fact what I said was there can be two rights.

Viewing the world in black and white is actually very bad, not being able to apply reason and logic and seeing from someone else's position is bad (this is to answer your question, not stating you are bad).

Yes, I did read my post directly after I typed it, then again, then I posted it and read it again. I'm just going to lay this out here, destroying others self esteem or self image is a terrible idea, but hey if it's your kink that's great and you found someone that wants that. However there is no rule book for this lifestyle and if you have one that's wonderful but it's different for every couple and dynamic.

I will never allow anyone to marginalize me or demean me in any way and my Mistress would be very angry with me if I did. For the record, I'm a Taurus and I like the last word too.

 

You know, I am going to end this conversation. I have given it thought and no matter what I refuse to allow someone to mess with my mood going into the new year. So I wish you a happy new year and hope that whatever you do brings you nothing but happiness and health and wealth in the future.

 

Thats what makes CM a great site, There is no right or way to practice chastity.
Its one of the only chastity sites that allows that freedom.
There is very little kink shaming. It would be a very boring place if we were all the same.
Tolerance and mutual respect really does work wonders.

 

Topping from the bottom is NOT acceptable IMO!

 

I love contradictions. The world is full of them. Humans are full of them. We hold different standards for different things, it's normal.

I love nuances, shades of grey, or better still to think of it as colours of the rainbow. Once you are free enough to accept the world as a many nuanced thing then even black and white become part of the full spectrum of light, where white is a balance of all light spectra and black is just an absence. As such it only exists behind a closed door.

 

I think the only time there are ruffled feathers here is when someone implies that they are doing something “wrong”. We get defensive and react. I am a strong proponent of alternative viewpoints, it stimulates conversation and expands our perspective.

I’ve always thought how boring this place would be if everyone had the same story, did it the same way, and expected the same things.

I am grateful for members like you and others, even if I don’t agree on everything, it’s the differences that spark imagination.

 

Indeed, there are many rooms in the mansion. I prefer Mandy's, where men habitually are reminded of their bottom status.

 

I guess it all depends on what you consider topping from the bottom. Directing the action as it happens, sure, but talking before about what you're both fantasizing about doing to the other or having done to you? Nah that's a healthy part of any relationship. Also some people might be okay with surrendering control in some areas but not others. I know my wife doesn't want to be making all the life/finance decisions, but is more than happy to have control in the bedroom and around the house.

Everyone is different and the only important thing is that you are having fun.