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Am I leading from the bottom?

Discussion in 'Chastity and orgasm denial' started by Cincy, Dec 3, 2017.

  1. I love it when my wife teases and denies me for about 3 weeks, the horny feeling increases from day 5 to day 15 to the point of being delirious, then levels off but still feels great. My wife on the other hand likes to give me a ruined orgasm at least once a week (she calls it a spoiled one). I asked her to deny me for 3 weeks and then for the next 3 weeks she could give me as many ruined orgasms as she wants, and she agreed to give it a try (of course she can change her mind at any time and the chance of me having an unauthorized ruined orgasm is great).

    Am I leading from the bottom and if so, is that a bad thing?
    tonedslave likes this.
  2. Yes you are topping from the bottom. Not a good thing, on principle. However, this instance does not sound too serious. It was really just a bit more than a suggestion, I guess. And suggestions are OK.
    Cincy likes this.
  3. In my female-controlled marriage I am not allowed to suggest anything. That is rightly considered topping from the bottom.
    Strict Sir and Cincy like this.
  4. I feel like it depends on your relationship with your partner. Is it always such a bad thing to suggest something as a sub? I guess that depends on how deep into it you are. If you truly want to be in her control, let go. But, if you have desires ask away, although, you may have to deal with the consequences ;)
    Cincy likes this.
  5. Purely by definition I'd say yes, you are topping from the bottom. Is it a bad thing? I think it depends. I always advocate talking to your keyholder about it and seeing what they think. Some people are into it and others aren't. As long as everyone is having fun, you're doing it right.
    Cincy likes this.
  6. I'm not sure if she really agreed with my suggestion but it's been over a week since my last ruined orgasm (I almost went over the edge this morning). I'm not going to bring up the 3 weeks again, and if she does, I'll just remind her that she owns my orgasms, and only she can determine when and what kind. Of course she already knows that. I think it's better if I don't know the future.
  7. I just follow her lead.
    Cincy likes this.
  8. While it certainly appears that you are "topping from the bottom" per se, there is a fine line between that and having good communication in an FLR.
    It matter much more how She feels about it instead of what anybody here may think. After all is said and done, She is in control and, as long as She knows that She can do whatever She wishes freely and without constraint, then it is just good communication, which is really more important.
    Cincy likes this.
  9. Mistress Jules

    Mistress Jules Professional Dominatrix and Owner of Lockit
    Staff Member Administrator Moderator

    Oct 27, 2013
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    It would be a very sad situation if at the beginning of a new way of doing things two people could not communicate. Topping from the bottom is not a good thing, communication is essential.

    As you begin this journey it is very seldom straightforward and it absolutely changes as time goes on. The length of time you can be locked changes, a lot of the time a ring size can change. Sometimes what was impossible at the beginning becomes the new norm and without letting your partner know neither of you will gain the full benefits from your chastity.

    @lockit@lockit and I are lucky that we have both here and other forums where we can let of steam, put up suggestions etc. He stupidly put up a thread here about a cruel Mistress fantasy. He got a fright when that one came true for a while. I have read that some couples have a book that they can write in or some other way of communicating that does not involve sitting having a conversation so allows a bit more freedom.

    When you find yourself telling your partner things that are for your benefit and not for hers, that is most definitely topping.
  10. I agree with Mistress Jules. As a lifetime bottom I can attest that it's foremost about her desires and demands, not yours.
    Cincy likes this.
  11. How would your wife know about what you experience in that day 5 to 15 unless you tell her. She might be doing something, thinking it is what will have the biggest impact on you and it really doesn't. Providing feedback on what made us excited, aroused, happy or sad is essential communication for a couple. If someone else wants to call it topping from the bottom, let them. My wife and I have gotten to the point where we have highly effective punishment sessions, but it didn't just happen. There was a lot of communication about what I was experiencing before, during and after the punishments. Because I was open with her and communicated it allowed her to grow into the role. If I had simply said "whatever you do is correct" all the time, she never would have gotten the insight she needed. If your wife is a professional dominatrix, just let her call the shots. If this is a journey for you both, err on the side of over communication, even if it means "topping from the bottom".
    Cincy and chasteta like this.

  12. I think you are too masochistic for your wife. That said she is happy to play with you like this be grateful!!!!
    Cincy likes this.
  13. I had to look up masochistic and you may be correct, but I'm not into the pain part, and the reason my wife likes the ruined orgasms so much...she does not notice any down time, like with a full blown orgasm. She likes to keep me horny all the time, and I love the feeling.
  14. being a top i would say it is wrong to top from the bottom and it appears most think it's the bottoms fault or wrong doing. i seem to view it differently. if i am a good top and my needs and desires are fulfilled i would suspect the bottom might just have some desires of his own. it's only natural to try. if he succeeds it is my fault. i would have failed and i would need to take corrective action. or i shouldn't be on top.
    Cincy likes this.
  15. So the cardinal sin is failing to top from on top? Thus encouraging the bottom to try and take control? Interesting theory as it does match my experience. When my wife is being very dominant, I fall more naturally into line. When she gets very wishy washy or "kind" I tend to struggle more and be more assertive. Still I fall into the communication is good camp. Especially for couples. I would imagine it's different for people that enter a relationship already in these roles or those that see professionals. For the couple that discovers chastity and is on a journey of mutual discovery any communication is good, even if some see it as topping from on bottom.
    Cincy likes this.
  16. Thanks for your response, my wife read all of them with keen interest, but didn't tell me if it changed her mind about my suggestion...until last night. Last night she had a wonderfull orgasm and then allowed me a nice tease session. During the tease session, she asked me when my next orgasm was scheduled, I said "whenever you want it to be". I was hoping she would allow me an orgasm, or at least a ruined one, but she said "I'm going with the 21 days". It's been 11 days, and my balls ache, but it feels wonderful.
  17. Probably not. You've had longer to think about all this. At the moment you're acting more like a really good waiter guiding a customer through an unfamiliar menu.
    PouchPantyLover and Cincy like this.
  18. Well, she couldn't wait. After her morning shower, I got a nice tease session, after a few minutes, she told me to stop, I was getting too wet and too close to the edge. I asked her for one more rub, I knew she wanted me to spoil it, and sure enough, she said, "spoil it". It didn't take me long, another rub and wait for 4 or 5 seconds, but nothing, another slight rub, and about 5 seconds later, it dribbled out. It was such a nice cream pie, I asked her if I could do my clean up duty, as usual, she said yes. Not sure about the future, but thats the way I like it. Not sure if she will pay attention to any of my suggestions. Life is good.
  19. Topping or guiding ... the latter may be acceptable at times but it can be a fine line. A way round any cause for confusion especially if you are just starting out with TTTWD is to have pre-arranged time set aside to talk about about how things are going for you both and what you each may want or eant the other to try. Its just communicating and it can be a big help. The best time for this pre-arranged time for this will probably be known to you both and one advantage of it is that it is a time when you are both expecting the the other to be talking only on this subject...it can cut out hesitancy and reduce inhibitions so more truth can out.. so to speak.

    Also do bear in mind that timing is important ...after a period of denial and before he has had whatever kind of orgasm he is more likely to agree to things that he would not do ordinarily if he had just cum for example. The opposite can be also true.
  20. Exactly! Well said.