Last night I asked my wife if I could take a Viagra before our morning tease session. She agreed and said that she would like to give me a ruined orgasm, but would not, because she didn't think that's what I wanted. After she took control of my orgasms, I suggested she allow me 1 to 3 orgasms a month to include ruined orgasms. So now I suggested that she could count ruined orgasms as 1/2 of an orgasm, and allow me 0 to 2 orgasms a month, which means she could give me up to 4 ruined orgasms a month. She really liked that idea. My question, am I leading from the bottom...and if I am, is that a bad thing?
Imagine this. You tell her that you think you could get this many orgasm, and that many ruined ones and so on... She stares you down in silence for a few seconds... then tells you it's up to her to decide, and one orgasm a month is more than enough in her opinion, so that's what it will be. How would you feel?
As a former cocksucking bottom, I can testify that leading from the bottom is natural and often inevitable. Topping, both physically and psychologically, is demanding. As a submissive husband, it is enjoyable to have my wife do all of that work now. And she's happy to oblige.
I don't think it is leading any one to any thing. You are being open and sharing your desires. Your wife is obliging because she loves you. When she asks you fulfill a desire of hers you oblige because you love her. Ideas are constructed in or brains through exposure to concepts and stimuli. If no new concepts ore stimuli is introduced, no new ideas. I am the sexual deviant in our relationship. My wife while not timid was certainly not the sexually adventurous half, however as I have been being open with my desires and exposing her to new concepts she is now coming up with all sorts of devilishly wonderful ideas. I used the analogy of an excited puppy dragging its owner by its leash down a path. Now that puppy is starting to be heal trained.
Your reply made me smile DonnaSue. From my time before we went down this path I was the boss, and it is necessary in my job, so it takes relearning to not try and control everything. I know we have a much more harmonious relationship with my wife in control.
@Cincy Right? I guessed so Topping from the bottom is not bad, if it is what's best for you and her. If you think my message was a real turn on, then you have your answer. Go to her at an appropriate moment, and tell her: " I think I have been trying to set the rules of chastity, probably out of fear, but I realized it could be really fun, if you'd set them, according to your needs and what you think is the best." Then see how she feels about it, and what happens next
I've been locked up for 7 years and I haven't found a rule book on "How to Lock up your cock ". Every relationship is different and for it to work both people need to benifit from the change. So what does She want and how is She benefiting? I have found from experience that the better you treat her and the more control you give her over when and what happens when you get released the better the Chastity relationship works. In my Opinion you should start thinking about how many orgasms She wants you to have, and when She wants to unlock you.
I think there is way too much emphasis put on the sin of topping from the bottom. I think the best advice people have offered me have centered around open and honest communication. Any open and honest communication around chastity is going to have to include some discussion of when, how often and via what method you will have an orgasm. For you to engage in that open and honest communication you're going to need to provide your feedback. Also if your wife is anything like mine, she is still confused by and learning her role. Offering feedback like "what you did last night was really hot and I enjoyed it tremendously" is going to have some finger pointers saying shame on you topper from on bottom. To me the very firm line we have in our relationship is that I can share with her my thoughts and desires, but she decides everything. If I try to force something or negotiate something I have crossed the boundary out of submissive role. Everything I want (sexual or otherwise) is a request. Some friends emailed me recently to join them on an evening out. I forwarded the e-mail to my wife and asked if I could go out with them. She gave me permission and I went. Was I topping from on bottom by making the request? She got no pleasure from this. She had to take care of the kids without my help. It was just about me going and doing something I wanted to do. Asking for a format of orgasms is no different. Just make sure you're asking.
Thanks for the advice about honest communication, and I agree, but I am a little afraid to tell her how long to deny me, because she will do it. I love my orgasms, but I also love the feeling of being horny, on edge, and totally submissive to her. She seems to prefer ruined orgasms because of little or no down time, so that may be my future.
In our female-controlled marriage I cannot top from the bottom because I am not allowed to ask my wife to do anything. I do as I am told. I would love her to peg me but she is unwilling. She says that I can get the same sensation from my anal vibrator and she is correct. Her decisions always are sound and I am happy to obey them.
That's great, but it would appear that @Cincy doesnt have a wife who is that confident yet. Maybe she will get there one day but, for now, any reassurance she gets that what she is doing is fun for both is going to help her become confident. As long as you don't demand then I wouldn't worry. Talk about your desires but let her make them her own. In all honesty when your wife starts having fantasies involving her role as your keyholder Mistress it is far better than any fantasy you might have had before.
not if she lets you, I have not been teased or had an orgasm for 3 months, she said if I don't talk about it she may grant me an erection. count yourself lucky my man!
In the beginning until she learns herself. It takes open communication, suggesting ideas to try. As long as nothing ruins it for her and she is enjoying this herself now. Eventually she will have the confidence to just finally take all the control, allowing you to get released and possibly mess whenever SHE feels like it. Be careful what you wish for tho, you could find out your not getting unlocked for a very long time. Its all about her orgasms for quite a while. Like months at a time. When that day comes, I sure hope you have a quality and properly fitting cage.
Sharing your desires and wishes isn't topping, especially if you are requesting in a submissive way. She's still the boss and still makes the rules. Sometimes they agree and sometimes they don't. I found out today I may be going the way of a sissy maid, even though I'm not much into that, because that's what SHE wants. I can tell her that's not my thing, and did, but then repeated she's the boss and makes the rules and I follow.
I think it is, but if you both are comfy with it, who cares? Too much is said about the protocol of chastity play, just ask yourself this...are you both happy? There are many things I wouldn't do myself in regard to chastity play, and telling her how many orgasms I get is one of them...but that's just how we roll, if you two are enjoying a healthy relationship then there is no issue.
This is one of the paradoxes of chastity. We want to have an orgasm otherwise it really isn't denial, is it? My wife and I have had this conversation many times especially in the beginning. She would point blank ask me, how long should I make you wait? I think the best answer I have come up with is as follows - "I think you should let me cum sometime between right now and never. I love my orgasms when they come, but I hate the crash afterwards and I'm always disappointed with myself for not holding out longer. Bottom line you should do whatever you want, because your choice will never be wrong". Through that constant dialogue she has gained confidence in her decisions and she rarely asks me anymore. I've stopped really doing exact orgasm tracking because it feels like keeping score. I know my last PIV orgasm was late July, around our anniversary. My last full orgasm via her using the wand on my cage was shortly after. I've had 2 or 3 ruined orgasms since then. No idea when or if anything else is going to happen.
Sounds more like "suggesting" from the bottom, to me. Which, in my opinion, is a great part of any healthy relationship with good communication. It's a great way to establish boundaries, find common ground, and generally have a good time. I've topped from the bottom before (and been dommed from the bottom) and it's pretty different from what you're describing. No matter what, though, remember that it doesn't really matter whether or not you conform to arbitrary definitions of top/bottom/sub/domme when what's really important is that everyone is enjoying themselves.