Advice please

Quite out of the blue, don't know what came over me, i pointed out to my wife that we kinda already had an FLR in a semi jocular fashion. But she took it seriously and agreed.

So far so good, right? No, she said that this may be why we don't have any intimate relationship because she was essentially having to act as parent.

Not the time for a bigger conversation so we left it there. But, hmm, don't agree with her assessment.

And thus, the point of my thread: how should i proceed? Should i proceed?

Nothing has materially
changed, she is off on holiday with the children next week, i am still at work. Not sure if that's relevant but does give some time.

Thank you all in advance.

 

Apologies, it's a long story that i have posted before, but i shall try to keep things brief.

My wife and i have had a sexless marriage from the beginning, but she had just had a child so i didn't see any warning signs. Stats: 23 times in 11 years. Previous to marriage we did maybe once a week on average until i said no to her initiation once. She had never said yes to my initiation, ever, but did once in 2015. Me saying no apparently made me less of a man and useless. We entered our first drought (from May 2007 to August 2007, which was an attempt at slightly angry make-up sex when she 'forgot' to take birth control and requested i not use a condom because it irritated her down there - a pattern begins - it was not fun and coldly mechanical). No sign of anything remotely approaching an FLR or similar and, well, i didn't know i was submissive.

Before we married i told her about my cross-dressing - it was the right thing to do and only fair - but she ignored it and my attempts to allow her to understand what it was. Now, i did this respectfully and with reassurance, no dressing and being in her face about it, but i knew it was important that she knew - not everyone wants that in a marriage partner. i had a couple of friends (female friends) who had agreed to help keep me honest and one of them shared my cross-dressing with my not-yet-wife early on. She ignored it. She did not want to talk about it, so we didn't.

In 2011, after three years of waiting, i broached the cross-dressing again - we hadn't had sex except to conceive our second child since 2007 (5 times in three days, just sex, it was... well, it wasn't fun at all, but it was all i'd had since 2007 so i didn't care). She responded as if i were bringing it up for the first time: anger, disgust, the whole lot. The years of Hell began, at work as well, but that is not relevant here. She had just recovered from PND and i was about to fall into depression. She told me it was all my fault, everything, and declared that i needed to "get fixed". However, unbeknownst to either of us, i had ASD, i was not fixed, i got worse and just stopped talking about my feelings. She started 'punishing' me by ramping up pressure on my time until i nearly broke several times.

Finally, in 2013, she agreed to try again with me and we actually enjoyed some sexual relations (five times over eight days, this was more fun and playful, but that playfulness was what turned her off, apparently). i thought it was going well, but it ended in short order and then there was nothing except one very odd occasion in 2014, where she seemed vacant the whole time but initiated sex and then sort of checked out for the whole thing, until 2015. About once a month for nine months (once we had it twice in a month!). This lasted, but she got busy again. Books, writing, work, children, gardening, facebook, TV series, all got in the way. This was my fault for not asking soon enough/too early/not often enough/too much/too late in the day/too far in advance/etc. Another drought.

She always wanted a third child, i did not. Every time we sort of maybe were having sex she would bring it up and then cease when my views had not changed. In 2016, once in May and once in June, i didn't get a condom on quickly enough (June) when she offered to have sex, a third child resulted and, since that time, we haven't had sex.

In August of 2018 i bought a chastity device. She found the parcel, was angry that i had bought something to do with cross-dressing. i told her i hadn't, that it was a chastity device. She said "i don't see what else it could have been!" She did not discuss further. We co-parented and shared a house. i got depressed again, she said that she was happy, i was the unhappy one who needed to be fixed. i got diagnosed as ASD in December 2017, she said she wasn't sure she could deal with that. It meant i would never get better as a person. She'd been crying about the end of our relationship since 2006 - that's two years before we married and the year we met, by the way.

In October 2018 we discussed the end of the relationship. It took until December for her to say that she would try to repair things and admit, grudgingly, that the lack of physical intimacy was down to her, not me. Things... weren't as bad. But then they nose-dived at the end of January so i went into chastity, without her knowledge, in February in an effort to cope. i came here soon after and learned several things in short order:
1. i am submissive
2. i like the idea of an FLR, it may explain why i put up with this for so long
3. i can't afford a divorce or living apart
4. i love her
5. i love my children

i shared these things with her in April. She looked up some dodgy websites on FLRs, about slavery and written by a male fantasist, and said that she would never do anything like that. Never. Discussion over. A week or so afterward she uttered the line: "if all you want me to do is 'put out'" she spat the words like they were poison "then there's no point, get a divorce, I'm never doing that!" Refer to point 3 above.

So we continue. She says she will try harder and she has allowed me to kiss her, stroke her hair, have hugs (but never pressing together, too much chance of sexual touching). Even tried being romantic. My attempts at romance are... uncanny valley, apparently, i get them just wrong enough that they are off-putting rather than endearing. Compliments i give are botched, again according to her, and just not quite right. So they are meaningless and end up making us less close, not closer. Still, things seemed better.

Then i said what i said.

She meant that an FLR would make her like a parent to me. She has accused me of being more work than a child (and having a teenager's concept of a romantic marriage: where we hold hands or have sex or hug or even just play around in the bedroom - not kinky just having fun - as i am emotionally immature) since about 2008. Since we got married.

Cool. How?

 

Ahahahahahaaaa. Sorry.

i do the pots, do the shopping (she insists on making the list), make the lunches in advance, look after children so she can work of an evening, hold down a full-time job as a teacher (with all that entails), do extra marking to keep our finances afloat (we need about £2k extra a year just to stay in the black). i do the bills, finances, take the children to various clubs and whatnot. i clean the floors, vacuum, do the laundry. i am not allowed to cook, part of the 'punishment' from 2011. i have supported her running a magazine (after a year it broke even, then she stopped), writing fiction with various friends online, running a parenting group and now writing proper published books (three so far and counting), freelance articles and running a twitter thing (they paid for a wood-burning stove and redecorating). She hasn't done the dishes since 2010 nor the laundry since 2016. i have done this, and will continue to do this, without complaint. Oh, and we had a pet that was my responsibility (despite me not wanting a pet) between 2007 and 2018 to which she did nothing - it was a chinchilla.

i know that she does not want to play with TTTWD (gate-keeping, nice, full marks) and i have never asked her to. i know she would say no. As i say above, we haven't had a sexual relationship either. Don't worry, i'm not asking her to take a part in TTTWD (why not say chastity? Are we that exclusive?) nor was i really asking her to run an FLR, merely pointing out that our marriage looks like one. Her response intrigued me, hence my asking advice.

i am not a strong man. i am not a good man. i am not a catch. i am a bit of a shit, i know. And i know that i am not good with the children. i am the cause of their ASD by dint of me having it. Eldest is 11, middlest 8 and youngest 2.

You know, i don't have a lot of energy or time either.