Advice needed from our Trans members

Discussion in 'Off topic discussions' started by Jasmic68, Aug 5, 2019.

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  1. Jasmic68
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    Jasmic68 Active member

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    Apologies for anyone looking for a lighthearted topic. While this is off topic it isn’t exactly light hearted!

    I know that the Mansion has an incredible depth of characters amongst its members. The variety of people here and the many ways they use or approach chastity is one of the reasons I am still here after nearly four years. I am hoping that amongst this group there are some people who are either transgender themselves or through other means have experience with transgender people, and that they can give me some help and advice. In fact anyone with thoughts or opinions are welcome to join in.

    A few days ago my son, in his early 20s, told my Wife and I that he is transgender and intends going through the process that will see him transition to trans female. This came (almost) completely out of the blue. Literally the day before my Wife and I had a conversation about him and little things we had seen that meant when he did tell us it wasn’t a complete shock. He has lived away from home for a few years but due to money issues had to move back in with us earlier this summer.

    I don’t know how I feel yet. Although I have no issue with transgender people I do not know any personally. I think there is a difference between knowing someone who is trans and that person being my own son. My Wife has taken this a lot harder than I have. She isn’t doing anything drastic, but she isn’t talking to him and things are very tense. She has even half joked that maybe the job she was recently offered in New Zealand isn’t such a bad idea.

    Our son has caused my Wife all sorts of grief over the past few years and I think this is one thing too many. I have just read that some parents grieve over the perceived loss of a child and I would suggest that my Wife very definitely falls into this category.

    If anyone else is trans how did their parents react? I am not going to try and stop him, but this isn’t going to be easy for us. While I understand he is doing this because he feels it is right and will make him happy I also feel he is being incredibly selfish. I cannot go into details as to why, this is not because of the impact on me or my Wife, but it is because of the impact on somebody very important to me.

    What is funny is I was tempted to go and put on some of my own women’s clothes and say you aren't the only one who is happy wearing this stuff. What he doesn’t know is directly because of him my Wife and I have had to sacrifice a hell of a lot of our own personal and intimate life. The one thing that made me angry is that because of him (and separate to the trans thing) that side of my life has had to be abandoned just as it was getting started. I never wanted to transgender, but my Wife had been exploring dressing me in female clothes. Aside from the chastity lifestyle it was something we both really enjoyed.

    I suppose I am asking if anyone has any experience of transitioning, or of knowing someone who transitioned and how the process went. What was the impact on family members? What has been the long term experience?

    My long experience of chastity and the way it has reprogrammed my brain into being a more calm and thoughtful person is helping. I really want to be able to support my Wife through this, I just don’t know how.
     
  2. Ms. Joanne
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    Ms. Joanne Active Trans woman

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    The first thing you need to keep in mind, is that your child is still your child, no matter what. Understanding is not required but you must be supportive and discuss it with your child in a manner that is supportive, but not condemning, even if you don't totally approve.

    I'm sure it is a great shock, but also consider how hard it is for your son to admit his feelings to you. That takes immense courage. My parents are very intolerant and personally I wouldn't run that particular risk, for I feel it would end badly. I'd like to think my parents would still love me... but there's always that question of whether it would go wrong, that they'd hate and despise me... think I'm weird or ill. Nevertheless I am transgender, and that is never going to change.

    Show your love and support as parents, that's really the best thing you can do. Most transgender people feel very alone, or they feel shame and guilt. If you compound that it will only make matters worse. I hope this helps, but trust your instincts as parents.
     
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  3. sandman9355
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    sandman9355 Junior Member

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    My advice would be twofold, and seemingly a bit self-contradictory. One, do your best to make him/her understand that no matter your own feelings at the moment, you will do your best to remain as good and loving a parent as you can. Two, help him/her check and understand both the reasons for this and the eventual consequences.

    My reason for the second piece of advice is you saying this came out of the blue. Sure, some trans people have shown little to no telltale signs during their childhood, but if you never saw any hints of this, such a sudden revelation should not be an impulse for any irreversible changes. Depending on many things, including such factors as where you live, there's a good chance your child might not be actually trans. And some of the other possible explanations for this shouldn't be ignored. Is he/she seeing professional help?

    Now, let's accept your child is in fact trans.

    As for this being selfish on his/her part, consider this. If your child really is trans, then she has always been trans, and it is not something she chose. This is not your son being selfish. This is your daughter, who has spent years living in a wrong body, finally finding her way towards a better life. From what you wrote, I feel that any sacrifices you have made regarding your personal/intimate life were your own decisions and blaming her for them would be unfair. I'm not belittling your loss - I'm trying to say that as far as I can tell from what you shared here, your daughter didn't push you to sacrifice your wife's and your intimate play.

    As for your wife possibly feeling she lost her son, the cold harsh truth is she never had one. She had a daughter, who probably spent years fighting metaphorical demons inside her own head. Is there a chance you might be able to convince them to sit down and have an open and honest debate? Maybe if they both acknowledge the mistakes they've made in the past, and if they honestly do want to make ammends and reconnect, they'll both feel closer to each other afterwards.

    I hate to sound too dark here, but I've known a MtF teenager for whom a perceived rejection by her parents became a big contributing factor to her suicide attempt. She survived, but some of the damage was permanent and *bad*, on the level of losing your dominant hand and more. So no matter your own personal feelings at the moment, tread carefuly.
     
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  4. cshorts
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    cshorts Locked in love for SL

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    I strongly support the second part of @sandman9355's remarks. My family experience is with a FtM nephew.

    Someone who is genuinely trans is not making a choice: it's who they are. Just as someone does not choose to be homo or heterosexual.

    You sound, from describing yourself, like you might think trans is the same thing as cross dressing. No. Trans is about identity: what gender you are, all the time (unless you're genderfluid or non-binary in which case it's not one all the time, but still about identity). Cross-dressing per se is a kink: a male who gets excited by wearing women's clothing is still a male. (A trans person may want to wear gender appropriate clothing, but then that's not cross-dressing! E.g., for a MTF. Wearing female clothing is a woman dressing as a woman. Nothing kinky about that.)

    Good luck -- learning that you didn't know something important about your daughter's identity wont be easy. But put your child first, accept that it is her life and she is who she is, and it will all come out fine in the end.
     
  5. Jasmic68
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    Jasmic68 Active member

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    Thank you to all of you who have replied. I knew I could rely on the Mansion to provide me with things to consider and respond to. I am actually trying hard to not cry while I write this, some of what has been written is definitely having an impact. I haven’t got time right now for a full response but I will definitely be back later.
     
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  6. Jessica Alexander
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    Jessica Alexander Trans woman not a mistress or Dom

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    Your son didn't decide to be trans but DID decide to tell you something very important and personal and was probably one of the scariest things they ever did. It's a long drawn out process in the UK and often takes years to even get on hormones on the National Healthcare system. The good thing is that as a teen and early 20's , they will have a very good response to hormones if they decide to go that direction. I'm not sure where you consider it selfish to want to align the body to the mind (can't align the mind to the body). Being trans is hard and many attempt or commit suicide and that rate is drastically reduced if the parents are supportive and compassionate.

    It's really hard to focus on other things in life when your brain doesn't match your body. It's like always having pebbles in your shoes or an injury that hurts every time you move. Work, school, relationships, etc., are much easier when you deal with that issue.

    They need a good therapist now so they can make an informed decision with what to do. After that, it's your job as a parent to get on with living and be the best person they can be. I never wanted to be trans and would still take a pill to align my mind to my body but there is NOTHING that will do that long term. The most important thing I've learned about gender identity issues is they only get worse as you get older. Please feel free to message me if you have any questions! I'm currently 2 hours ahead of London time so we are close to the same time zone.
     
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  7. Jasmic68
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    Jasmic68 Active member

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    I have a bit of time to respond to your posts now, so...

    Thank you so much for responding to my questions. I was fairly sure we had some Trans members of the Mansion and I am hugely grateful you took the time to reply.

    I agree that it took courage for him to tell us and I told him so. While my Wife has been unable to talk to him about this I have spoken to him a lot over the past few days. (My Wife’s usual response is to internalize things until she has come to terms with hem herself. This can take several days and there is no point trying to rush her. This is something I have become very aware of through our exploration of chastity.)

    Good luck with your own journey particularly in terms of how it goes with your parents. Our son knew we are open minded, we have gay friends and work colleagues and also have friends from many racial backgrounds, so he was fairly sure we wouldn’t be too intolerant. The one gap in my friends or work relationships is with anyone who is Trans, so I had no experience of at least knowing what they had been through.

    As it stands, not yet. He has only really come to terms with this himself for a period of three or four months, having apparently wrestled with his feelings for a year or so. He has felt different for most of his life, but that didn’t come across to us as any gender based issues. As far as I am aware the UK health service, the NHS, demand that anyone who wants to transition must have counseling first, and then they have to live as the gender they want to transition to for a few years.

    Our problem is that my Wife and I live outside the UK and as long as Brexit doesn’t utterly destroy our chances of remaining in Europe we intend to stay. This means our son cannot access the support he needs. He has basic health cover through us in Europe but this doesn’t allow him access to what he needs and unlike us he doesn’t speak the language. The knock on effect is I have been talking about trying to support him in getting back to the UK, but he has taken that as a form of rejection, when it was anything but.

    This was an example of my immediate emotional response to what he told us. Oh, fine, go ahead, just as long as you are happy, that’s alright. Oh, by the way, if we are doing things to make us happy, I’m doing this, this and this, things I gave up because of you!

    I’m not saying that this response was mature or even voiced to him, but it was definitely felt. I can feel it bubbling under the surface every time he says something about this making him happy. Every parent makes sacrifices for their children. At least they do if they are decent parents.

    By the way the selfishness isn’t in terms of the impact on me or my Wife, but on other complicated issues. I don’t want to write about them here because while relevant I don’t think it is appropriate.

    This is probably a large part of what is causing my Wife to worry. She works in the health service and is very aware of the prevalence of suicide amongst the Trans community. I think ultimately this will lead her to supporting him/her through the transition process but she has to work out her feelings first.

    Not yet. As I say until she has sorted her own thoughts out she won’t be able to talk about this. This is just the way she is.

    I agree. The word ‘choice’ is so problematic. I suppose the choice is to do something about the issue, although choosing not to do anything could be ultimately far more damaging and catastrophic for all of us.

    Absolutely not and I apologise if that came across in my original post. I do worry that he is confusing the possibility of being transvestite with being transgender. Eddie Izzard has always been one of my favourite people, he is utterly incredible in every way possible, and his openness of being transvestite and his stories of how he was treated by society is a large part as to why I have tried to be as open minded as possible. It helped me push away any feelings of discomfort around gay people I had that had built up from my youth, even though he isn’t gay. It just helped me see people as not being a threat just because they are different to me.

    Thank you all again for your help. It has already instigated a conversation with my son that has helped me understand what he wants better. He wants to stay with my Wife and me even though this will delay the start of the process. He is also aware of the waiting list on the NHS and as a result is looking to privately fund the start of the process.

    This better understanding is exactly what I was hoping would happen.
     
  8. sandman9355
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    sandman9355 Junior Member

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    Now that we know a bit more about the situation in regards to the availability of professional help...

    Any chance you might take advantage of the fact that you speak the language of the place where you live to talk to some local trans-supporting groups? They might know something you don't about what help is available to your child, or some of the members might be reasonably fluent in English and willing to talk to your child, or they might come up with something totally unexpected, because they likely have way more experience in these matters than you do.
     
  9. PouchPantyLover
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    PouchPantyLover Active member

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    You have already received some great advice. I especially support the concept of therapy and/or counseling. Not as either an advocate for or against transitioning, but as a safe place to discuss it. While this is quite different my 13 year old daughter recently told me that she thought she might be gay or bisexual. I told her that I loved her regardless of these choices, but that she shouldn't be in a rush to label herself. I also told her to not confuse emotional love with physical love. I think young people (20 is young) can be very confused by the process of becoming adults. There is a desire for a silver bullet and the idea that happiness is one step away as opposed to within ourselves. It may very well be that your son has actually been your daughter and this transition is part of her journey. It also might be that your son is confused by his own sexuality, his desire for womanly things or simply looking for a dramatic change that will turn his/her life around. Finding that safe place and that calm and trusting source to take this internal conflict out into the open and analyze it is a critical part of this process. Also my wife is an internalizer as well. It takes a balancing act when to draw them out, but at some point that is going to be something you will have to deal with as well. Good luck with all of this. You have a good heart and head, so have faith that you will see it through.
     
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  10. nathalia
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    nathalia Active member

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    If I may add my bits, I think it would mean a lot to your child if you could start using feminine pronouns. As others have said you now know your son was in fact your daughter all along. It took her a lot of courage to tell you what she feels and the best way to show her your support is to use she/her. Of course if she's not out to other people, then only use she/her in private (i.e. don't out her).

    I recently came out as questioning my gender to my parents. It is hardest thing I have done. I was so scared of loosing them by coming out...
    I'm 37 years old and they had not idea of what I was going on in my head and in my life. Like you, they think it is coming out of the blue but in truth I have been feeling that way since I am a teenager. I am a bit annoyed at their struggle to understand but pointed out to me that it took me 25 year to come to terms with it. I can't expect them to do it instantly...
    My other advice is to keep talking to your daughter and let her go at her own pace. To realise you are trans is scary and emotionally draining.

    I don't know where on the continent you live but I'm sure it should be possible to find therapist who speak English. Try the big cities nearby where you live. I am actually in the opposite situation from you. I am from the continent but live in the UK (and I'm equally scared of brexshit). My country of origin have good care for transgenders but, If decide to transition, I'll do it in the NHS because it is where I live.
     
  11. Jessica Alexander
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    Jessica Alexander Trans woman not a mistress or Dom

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    I may ask them what pronouns to use for now. They may not feel comfortable with that yet.
     
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