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Advice needed for this newbie

Discussion in 'The Foyer' started by Curious and learning, Apr 11, 2017.

  1. Hi everyone,
    I am VERY new to this type of lifestyle. I was dating my boyfriend for over a year before he introduced a game to me after I mentioned seeing a tv show about Las Vegas Gigolos and a women who paid a gigolo to wear a chastity cage for a few days. He said that this device intrigued him and he purchased a cage and wanted to know if I wanted to play a game where I got to have an orgasm any time I wanted (since I orgasm quite quickly and it takes hime a while) and I just had to tease him. i would do this for three weeks until we left for a cruise. Being the competitive person I am, I took on the challenge but lost the first day. After I came and teased him, he wanted to cum so I let him. He kindly told me I was soft and it was left at that for a while. At this point I still did not know this world existed. I told him I wanted to play the game again and I was surprised how thrilling and exciting it was to have the key to his cock lock.
    He asked to me to tease him to the point of cumming but not let him release so I did as he asked. I then did research on this and found out the term was edging. I shared this with him, which he already knew, but it excited him that I took the initiative to start reading and learning about this. The more I read and shared with him what I read, the more it prompted him to open up to me that this is something that has interested him for 20 years but he was never in a relationship with someone who would embrace it. I, on the other hand, find all this exciting. I was also pleasantly surprised how much it excites me to have him wear my undies especially while he's at work. We have shared and talked about different things to try, what are the hard limits, etc. I have come up with a set of rules which we have agreed on.
    Where I am in serious need of help:
    It is difficult for me to embrace this stern persona for him. After reading about punishments and tasks, it's hard for me to really separate this from the same punishments I give my kids (ex. writing lines) which is a bit of a mind@$%#.
    I watched a video from this site about a mistress who does a session of tease and denial and the same couple does a video of breaking your man. I must have listened to the videos at least 20 times to learn how to talk and what to say during these sessions. My problem is my boyfriend takes a VERY long time to get to the edge and I run out things to say even though my talking helps him get there. During our T&D sessions, I have him tied up, sometimes he has a prostate massager in, I ride him and I orgasm, and we have sex with him on top and as soon as I orgasm I push him off. He's getting bored with the T&D sessions and I don't know what else to do, say and/or try.
    This past weekend we dressed up...me in a Domme outfit and him in a french maid outfit. That was exciting but he wants more from me. I tried a T&D session that night that he got bored with it. He wants me to come up with punishments and weekly or daily tasks and when I can't or I just use something I read on the internet, he's disappointed that I wasn't creative or didn't come up with something myself. He will ask me all day what I have planned and I feel a ton of pressure and it's becoming very overwhelming. I've tried to explain that this is something he has been fantasizing about for 20 years and it's really only been about 2 weeks for me. He knows I read things throughout the day and therefore expects me to remember everything I've read and be great at incorporating it into our lives.
    We do have a cockcage but the current one is very uncomfortable for him to wear. He has a new one that will be arriving in roughly 3-5 weeks (being made and sent from England).
    I want so badly to be a great Domme for him and I'm hoping that this community can give me ideas for the tasks and punishments. Any and All feedback and ideas are welcome.
    Hard lines are no scat or peeing.

    Thank you in advance for your help
    richard likes this.
  2. Sounds like he is not into chastity, but rather BDSM. Chastity is a small part of his fantasy so you may have more luck in a BDSM forum. I was into BDSM as my sex life for 47 years and chastity played a tiny role in it. Try Fetlife.com. They have some large BDSM forums that may better suit your husband's fantasies.

    Many guys want to be dominated but after the initial excitement wears off, they do not want to play again. I have seen this over and over again. Many wives will humor their husbands as my wife does. She will try anything I ask her too because she knows that once the excitement goes, I lose interest and mover on. No one really wants to be a slave for 24/7 and constantly be punished and treated like dirt. No one wants to do all the household chores plus work to come home to a whipping. Most guys masturbate to that stuff online and then they want to do it in real life. Real life is not like porn though and in your fantasies you only feel arousal and not the bite of the whip or any other punishment which is unpleasant.

    Once I asked my wife to punch me in the balls because I was nagging her about that. I could not get that fantasy out of my mind. She hit me so hard that I was sore for a week and did not ask her to do that for many years after. Her girlfriend loved that and my wife likes to hurt them a little now but she knew how to dissuade me from my fantasy. If he thinks being paddles is exciting, paddle him until his butt is like in my pictures and he is crying. A true masochist will want it again and again. Someone who just fantasizes about it will not want to do that much anymore. Good luck for try some BDSM websites. I can give you a very long list of punishments but they will be too extreme for your liking.
    wLOCKridge likes this.
  3. I appreciate your insite. He really is in to the chastiry life. We're waiting on the new cage so I. And put him on lockdown. Whenever I asked him what time frame he would like to work up to , he responded with cunning once a year. I told him, I couldn't go that long.
    He is also into the BDSM so I'll check out that site as well. Thanks again
  4. His problem is he is topping from the bottom.first of all relax and take it slow and wait for the proper chastity belt to arrive and then lock him up for a month at least.
    remember this is about you been the queen, Not you been the sex slave to all his kinks
    and keep asking questions but take it slowly.
  5. Than
    Thanjnyou for the advice. You're the sone xo d person that has said he is topping from the bottom. I think he has wanted this for so long and he's so excited, he was me to immediately be great at it. I like your idea of taking it slow. Will incorporate. Thanks
    spider203 likes this.
  6. I really should have proofread before posting.
    Thank you for the advice and you are the second person...is what that was suppose to say
  7. Hello Curious and Learning
    Wecome to the Mansion as you have been told above he is topping from the bottom.
    Until you learn more from here and other sites he is the one with the knowledge.

    Depending on what device you have bought it will take a bit of time to get a proper fit.
    You can't just lock him up for a month that would end in tears.
    It takes time to adjust to wearing a device.

    First you need to get a good fit once that is done then trylocking him a few hours at a time.
    The next step I would suggest is lock him overnight.
    Its not a race or a competition go at your own pace and enjoy yourself.

    There are loads of threads on here that will give you the information you need.
    I am sure the ladies on here will answer any questions you may have.
  8. Hello Curious,

    I too am new at this. Have you had an open discussion about what each of you wants from this new relationship? For example, is one - or both - of you desiring BDSM or are you looking for something more FLR? Never assume what is wanted and desired - especially when developing this kind of relationship. Sit down, do research *together* and discuss everything!! When we (me and gastone) decided on a FLR, we drew up a contract that we both agreed on and signed. Right now he's locked up for 90 days (for starters). This 90 days enforces in his brain (the big one) that I'm in charge and what I say - goes. And don't think because he's locked up - you can't get your releases.. he's there to do whatever you want whether it be pleasuring you - without him being allowed any pleasure - or making sure your mundane needs are met such as cleaning, getting your coffee/tea, etc. As the Mistress, its not all about words, its about actions. When he's locked up and he wants you to be vocal - don't give it to him.. say only what you want to say - when you want to say it. If he wants some play time, make him play with you and not allow him any pleasure from it. When he begs and sweet talks for a release, milk him and make him drink it. Establish your place as the one in charge of everything from mundane tasks to pleasure. And just so you know, I am not - in no way - a proponent of demeaning or abusing another individual - to me, that's not what this is about. I'm simply re-educating his brain and creating a beautiful marriage in the process.
    wLOCKridge and spider203 like this.
  9. I agree, he is definitely topping from the bottom and, if this is going to work out for both of you, you need to let him know in no uncertain terms that it stops and stops now. I also agree with Vinny, (he's forgot more about this lifestyle than I'll ever know and I/we've been at this 20+ years.) It seems like your SO has a strong BDSM leaning as well as a chastity desire. That was good advice, the next time he's bothering you for a spanking, tie his hands behind him tightly and tie his feet so you have control them bend him over the bed and let him have it until the tears are flowing freely and he's begging you to stop, then give him some more. Then leave him like that for awhile. Before releasing him tell him that, in the future, whenever you tell him to put his hands behind him, he will do so and if he doesn't immediately comply, you will give him back the keys, game over. That's what is known as punishment. You don't have to be a leather wearing Dom but you do need to set some rules and let him know that you are willing to enforce them.

    If he gets bored with the T&A sessions that you're doing for him then it makes me question his commitment to the lifestyle. He should be thanking you for any attention that you show him and feel lucky that he has someone willing to participate, many do not. Also feeding our fantasies is like feeding a dog, the more you feed it the more it wants until it weighs 300 pounds.There are a lot of up's for both parties in this lifestyle, there are also a lot of downs. He has to be willing to accept both. The fact that he intimated that he wanted you to deny him an orgasm for a year tells me that he has no idea what he really wants. I'm locked down 24/7/365 no exceptions, no excuses unless she says so, and that's not often, but my average is about every 2 or 3 months. If you two are successful the 3 c's are a must. Communication, commitment, and compromise. Without any of those it will fail. Here's a test for you; tell him that once you get him in a properly fitting, long term device, that you want to get him a PA piercing to make sure he's locked up real good. His reaction to that will tell you much about his level of commitment. It doesn't matter if you are serious or not, only the HE thinks you are. Why waste a bunch of time, money, and effort on something he's just going to get bored with? Also, you don't need to talk, act, or do things like anyone else. If he really want's a Mistress then he get's the Mistress that YOU decide to give him, not the fantasy one he's made up from the porn clips in his head. Remember SHE who has the keys makes the rules.

    Hope this helps some.
  10. Really need you to give ideas to pbutterfly like milk him and make him drink it humm.
    Mistress Lynda likes this.
  11. Mistress B

    Mistress B Mistress B
    Staff Member Moderator

    Feb 29, 2012
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    @Curious and learning@Curious and learning Oh Dear, where to start. Welcome to the Mansion. This is so wrong. Your thread and comments are full of he and him. Who is in charge here ?? It seems like he is to me. If he wishes for you to be his Mistress then he must learn that it is you that is in control and you that will tell him what happens and when it will happen. There is little in your comments that tell what you are enjoying from this, it's all about him. Listen to him, by all means, but don't rush to do anything you're not sure about.
  12. I cannot begin to tell you how helpful this was. Total lightbulb moment. I really need to readjust my thinking and you are helping me do this.
    RubberDuckDK, Jbriton and wLOCKridge like this.
  13. This is extremely helpful. I do feel he has this image built up in his head and I need to break it. I did feel he should have been very thankful that I not agreed to play but was willing to please him at all. This is all so helpful in helping me change the way I'm thinking.
    wLOCKridge likes this.
  14. Thank you so much for your inight. Just to clarify, Gaston is locked up for 90 days without any type of teasing or pleasure?
  15. Three months is about right for starters. Many here have gone and do go much longer. It's called teasing and denial for a reason. See how he handles 3 weeks and, provided he doesn't whine too much, maybe give him a treat. If he doesn't behave, give him the whole three months.
    Curious and learning likes this.
  16. That's correct - well 1/2 correct. -- I can tease all I want to and all he can do is smile and take it. Or as Jeff Dunham's "Walter" once said.. run to the end of his leash and bark.. LOL (and there are days that is literal - as I will put his collar and leash on him and he has to follow me wherever I go).
  17. Whole 3 months.. the occasional paddling (no blistering - just a nice cherry - stinging red) and toss in a few milkings for good measure!!!
  18. richard

    richard Just me
    Staff Member Moderator

    May 17, 2008
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    Enjoy yourselves.

    Remember the only rules there are, are the rules you make yourself.

    Have fun.
    Curious and learning likes this.
  19. Welcome to the mansion! Please do not read anything I write beyond this point. If you do, then don't do anything I suggest. The following is for entertainment purposes only... Mainly my entertainment sooo.... You have been warned!

    Wow, he's getting a custom device from England. That's cool.

    First off I have lots of questions How old are you? How old is he? You mentioned your hard limits. Are scat and peeing the only ones? What do you want to get out of this? Are you just doing this for him? I know that all of this is interesting, but where do you want it to go? Did you know that he already knows where he wants it to go and that he has the whole thing all planned out? Are you ok with disregarding his comfort for your pleasure? Outside of all of this chastity and Female Led Relationship stuff, in the real world, what is your fantasy? You have been together a year and now he has revealed his kink, how do you picture your private life with him in 5 years? Are you going to be strong enough to tell him "No!" when he wants to have an "O"? How will you handle him wanting to talk with you about orgasms or chastity every day?

    Now on to you and your super awesome post! It appears to me that the issue is one of lack of information. You need more of it to know what to do. He has no idea how lucky he is to have someone who is interested in participating in his fantasy... But what about your fantasy? I always suggest going to - www.aboutflr.com do the 60 minute introduction

    Just continue with all of the links at the bottom of the page

    In other words he is telling you what to do then making you feel bad if you can't perform HIS fantasy. I would be willing to bet that he has lost himself in the FANTASY of porn. He wants you to be able to do what he has seen online. None of that is real. There is a script, paid professional adult performers, a lighting crew, a film crew and everything is edited to make it perfect. You are not perfect. You are real. As soon as he can see the difference between fantasy and reality you will see a real change in him. REMOVE the porn option and let yourself be his only outlet for intimacy. Soon he will be fantasizing about you instead of a scene or picture he saw. The easiest way is to install net nanny on his computer and phone. But he won't like that. You could just trust him to stay away from porn for a while, but he won't.

    You could take the device away and tell him that you want him to earn it. Set an orgasm schedule. If he makes it a couple of days with no device and no orgasm, let him wear the device for daytime only. Increase the time to one week, then two. Getting through the first week to 10 days is the hardest. Ask him to tell you if he doesn't make it or cheats. (You can use this information for punishment later when he doesn't expect it.) Make lists of chores you want done daily (dishes, floors swept/mopped, clean the bathroom, cooking, laundry etc) If he does a good job, THEN YOU EDGE HIM. Get what you want out of this. Make it fun and nice for you too. I stay away from night time device use, because I value my sleep and night time erections really suck in a device. Maybe you could use that as punishment later? Just saying.

    I couldn't agree more. He is in charge. That is easy to change. I read a lot of spanking enthusiasts prior to this post, but that may be what he wants, and playing to his fantasy is a reward... SPANKING IS A REWARD! That is why it's not the same as with your kids. There are a thousand non lethal ways to punish him or persuade him to stop bugging you (i.e. tie him up, shave his balls then put ben gay on them and leave the house for 30 minutes) but the best way is to understand his motivation and use it to accomplish your goals. So here is my favorite psychology subject for motivation.

    Operant Conditioning - Allowing the results of his actions to determine his future behaviors. Tell him something positive and something negative that will happen if he does or doesn't do something. In the future he will always opt for the positive result. Below are examples of how to get him to do what he wants.

    Positive reward - Give him something he wants for being a good boy and making you happy (yard time (release from chastity for erection with no "O", teasing session, Penis in Vagina sex (PIV sex), allowing him to pleasure you (it is it's own reward) without an "O")
    Positive punishment - Give him a punishment for not following directions or doing a bad job. These are ususlly short term immediate punishments, but long term ones are good too. (Stand with no shoes on and his nose on the wall and hands to his side with no words for 10 minutes, writing lines in a punishment notebook, he has to eat food with no seasoning for one week and only drinks water)
    Negative reward - Take away a reward. (Chastity is a reward - take away the whole game, no tv shows he likes for a month (sports?), refuse to play sexy games with him for a month add time to his chastity
    Negative punishment - Take away a punishment. (He has had excellent behavior so he gets to watch TV again, or have beer again or something)

    Here is an example of how I would do this if I were you:
    Him: Honey can we have some sexy time tonight?
    You: Maybe. I'm not in the mood right now, but if you get me a glass of wine, and rub my feet I might feel better about it later do you have your device on?
    Him: I don't have my device, but I'm on it.

    He leaves doesn't come back for 5 minutes, you get up to go see what's holding up your wine. He has put on his device but made a side trip to the computer to look at porn. You hear the click of the mouse closing windows as you approach.

    You: Hey babe, where's my wine?
    Him: Oh, yeah, I was getting it and I decided to check my email. Sorry. I'll get it now.
    You: Great! See you in the bedroom in a minute.

    You leave, get him a pencil and a notepad, and meet him in the bedroom. He arrives with your wine, but forgets the foot lotion (because he got distracted by the porn and forgot).

    Him: Hey babe, here's your wine!
    You: Oh good. I have something for you too. Did you put your device on?
    Him: Yep. So what do you have for me?

    You hand the notepad and pencil to him. He opens it up and thumbs through the empty pages

    Him: Are we using this to make plans for this weekend or something?
    You: No, I have something even better in mind. Could you please make a list for me?
    Him: Sure.
    You: Write, "I will install my chastity device as soon as I come home from work and porn is off limits."
    Him: Got it. So do you want me to post this on my monitor as a reminder or something?
    You: No, I love you too much for that sweetie. Go sit at the dinner table and write that 300 times. And could you be a dear and number each line. I don't like to count.
    Him: Uhh...
    You: Oh. And you forgot the foot lotion. I guess I'll have to wait for my foot rub until you are all done. Please don't get distracted next time. I would rather spend quality time with you having fun. In fact I have decided that I want to get started with sexy time early tonight. I want you to go down on me. Now lets see if you earn your way out of that device after my orgasm.

    If that doesn't work you could always play to his fantasy and give him what he wants without all of the work. You don't have to do any of the spanking or whipping or anything. Go to fetlife and find a Pro Domme in your area. Make sure he has on his device. Blind fold him before he gets there, walk him in and drop him off. Leave him just like you would a kid at a baby sitter. Go get your nails done. Even better take him to a male Dom if he's been particularly bad.

    That would really screw with my head.

    When he gets back into the car you could ask, "Hey honey! How was your play date?"

    I love writing this stuff. If you made it to this point... Sorry it was such a long post, but it was fun. Good luck!
  20. I wish there was a super like button. This is AMAZING. Thank you so much for explaining, teaching and giving examples.
  21. @Curious and learning@Curious and learning my wife and I are pretty new to this too and you have gotten great advice from some way more experienced people then me. I will add that when it is new for both of you, that it takes awhile to learn what you both like. I will offer a few simple ideas you can use if they seem to work for you. Most important thing I would say though is if it takes him a long time to cum, he clearly doesn't need to cum yet. Orgasm denial coupled with teasing and edging will bring him to a point where taking a long time to cum isn't an issue. Number one rule is he never has an orgasm without your permission.

    Secondly tell him this is his fantasy and that if he wants it indulged he better do what you say. I cheated and masturbated at one point while my wife was away and she offered me the key back and said if you can't follow the rules I'm not going to participate. If he is really into this he will agree to submit to your authority.

    Thirdly don't feel like you need to be hyper creative. Just make him do stuff for you. My wife will just tell me you're giving me a massage tonight or I want the bed made everyday. Just reinforce your authority with little things.

    Fourthly when you do have a tease and denial session let him know your sick of him wasting your time by taking too long to cum. Set a timer or do a countdown and tell him if he doesn't cum in the allotted time it means he doesn't need to and he can wait another week.

    Final suggestion, set aside some time every few weeks to step outside of the dominant and submissive role to have a candid discussion about what you each like and dislike about this lifestyle. My wife and I just did this where we actually wrote down some things we liked and didn't like. I was delighted to hear that she was enjoying our sex life more and this made her a more active participant. She used to avoid sex, because she knew either she would have to finish me off after her orgasm or not have one herself. She loves that she can have an orgasm and tell me that was nice. goodnight.
    boisub and sissybitch like this.
  22. I think you have given some excellent suggestions there, how true the part about the small things is, All compliance with her wishes big or small is what it is all about for you and reinforcing control for her.
  23. Hi, I have sent you a few messages earlier. One thing I didn't talk about is time. Inability to instantly achieve erection or orgasm has many different factors. Since he hasn't been locked that long some don't really apply, but at some point they might.

    After many weeks in a steel cage, my body seems to learn that erections mean an unyielding prevention, followed by pain. It knows it can go to a certain level but self protection prevents a full erection. It doesn't always happen, but it certainly has. Other times if I don't hurry, I won't be able to remove the base ring because I got too hard too fast.

    And many things happen to a penis that is locked up without release that can prevent immediate orgasm. Sometimes I feel fine, no pain, and didn't notice any problems. She takes off my cage and start rubbing me and I notice there is a spot that is extra tender. Although I can maintain erection and enjoy the newfound joy of being touched again, each stroke irritates the spot. Orgasm can still happen, but it takes more work than either of you thought it would need. Sometimes it takes only seconds before I have to tell her that if she continues, I will blow.

    Wearing a cage on a penis is not natural and with it all sorts of weird little idiosyncrasies. Don't take anything too much to heart.
    sissybitch likes this.
  24. Totally agree with that
  25. Topping from the bottom....I just wanted to mention that it STARTS there. The question is where will YOU take it? He's either asking you to learn to take over and run with it to let him become your submissive or he is, as others have suggested, only interested in the fantasy of it all.
    Either way it's up to you to figure out but don't take the comments about topping from the bottom as a clear sign he's just into the fantasy. It's more important to not concern yourself with his wants and instead focus on your wants.
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