Adventuring into parts, cages, and headspaces unknown

Hi all,

I'd prefer to go by Bella here on CM, and I'm obviously pretty new around here.

This thread is intended to serve as a stream of consciousness style documentation of my entire mental journey up until the point in time that I am typing this out, and hopefully much further beyond into the world of chastity and self-cage play.

Before I dissect and wax poetic about how insane I am in so many words, I would like to open by saying that this entire place is pretty stellar, and I'm refreshed by the 'realness' of how people from everywhere are open about what makes them 'tick', or in many chastity cages across the site, what doesn't make them tick

I've spent entirely too much time thinking and feeling all types of thoughts and emotions when considering what I am going to write here-- so, I'm gonna be ambitious and plan to share most of the intricate, intimate details of my process.

The broad level overview of 'me' is not exactly thrilling or exceptional, but, at the very very least, it will give adequate context to what follows later.
________________

I'm currently 39, married with kids, partner is painfully vanilla and after a lot of soul searching, came to what is now in hindsight blatantly obvious realization that for me, I am clearly non-binary.

I had only ever accepted a mental label of 'bi-curious' because I kept telling myself that "I was 'just curious and open-minded' and that doesn't mean I'm actually _______"

To that end, honestly for a good long while, it kinda fit. I've never experienced true dysphoria and I love, love, love the ladies.

The amount of women I've been with is actually north of my current age, at least 40+, owed largely to several years living in a tourist-based city where I was a late-night bartender in an amazing location -- literally across the street from the ocean.

As it turns out, being slightly above average looking and possessing a blind confidence in being myself no matter what, fixing some great tasting and exotic cocktails, while also listening to whatever they have to say or what's on their mind without interruption or interjection is a fucking AMAZING recipe to get laid in your 20s.

It's also a fantastic formula to have several different women per week climbing into my bed, having me bury my face in between their thighs until their lower torso is visibly quivering. Pivoting from teasing and tasting to finishing them off by swapping between full PIV with lots of deep swirling strokes, pulling completely out, leaning down to flick her clit with my tongue and tasting that intoxicating ladyjuice is the thing I always enjoyed the most. I did discover throughout this coming-of-age experience that I really really really enjoy eating creampies, but only specifically the creampie I helped to make.

As a former bartender, it's really hard to not sound romantic reminiscing about regularly taste-testing the sexiest 'cocktail' any self-respecting bartender could ever help create. The sheer delight of swirling my tongue and teasing her already overly-sensitive clit while a steady trickle of my seed mingling and mixing with my lover's juices gets lapped up eagerly so that the only evidence of our soiree is across my lips.

I had a rule that my roommate at the time thought I was "kinda gay" for implementing, but it was a personal preference....
My rule was, if after I finished cleaning the creampie they would kiss or snowball that between us and make out afterwards.....I would actually call them back or set up something down the line again.

On the flip side of things, my experience with guys begins and ends with a long-time childhood friend that moved away from the area shortly after high school graduation. Without detouring into another 2000 words about this, I'll summarize:
Yes, I've sucked a dick and loved it, played with p-spots, edged each other to where we spent an entire weekend where we were 'playing a game' that we could only touch the other's dick, and if you came first, you sucked more dick until the 'loser' comes, and you had to swallow.

All in all, fucking hot.

I've never been explicitly against being with other men since then, but never actively was into looking to make anything else happen. I guess I was just a little too girl crazy. And yes, despite thoroughly enjoying feeling the head of his cock twitching in my mouth and against my tongue pumping a nice thick load down my throat-- it's not quite the same. It has never driven myself to near madness in the way that those creampie cocktails have.

So, while I have experienced and thoroughly enjoyed playing 'both sides of the plate' , I have never really been a submissive person at all. Sure, sucking cock isn't the most dominant act one could participate in, and I've never been opposed to getting fucked by a real worthy man-- he would have to be exceptional in many ways to consider him worthy of having me temporarily live in that grey headspace area of 'switching.' Hey, what can I say -- butt stuff is mighty fun!


While I'm somewhat far removed from the vitality and energy of my rather promiscuous youth, I want to pivot these thoughts to the main attraction of this entire site, what has me now wearing a cage as I type this, a self-inflicted ticket to evolve myself and improve my life.

I've had spurts for the last 25+ years of crossdressing and have felt the feminine energy that dressing gives me and it's practically a revelation at the point of my life where I am currently.

There was a spark to fuel the fire that has been bellowing up within me that began around the time of the original COVID lockdowns of March/April 2020, my partner and I were having a conversation about this mutual friend of ours , let's call him "E". E is highly successful in the medical field and by all accounts from the outside, is living his best life.
E is the husband of my wife's best friend and E and his wife are our same age but they've been together since they were 14(!!) They've never 'been' with anyone else and because of this I believe, they like to be a little bit more open when they've had a few libations under their belt.

E, unprovoked and unprompted-- started talking about wearing his wife's clothes because they were "the most comfortable pieces of clothing he's ever worn." E does not know about my history but I wanted to nod my head and tell him to preach some more directly from the gospel of femme.

A week or so goes by, and my wife and I were just talking about how womens clothes do FEEL better , and so I said, hey, let's get a matching pair of leggings. My wife acquiesced and so a few days later, we are laying around watching TV in our matching leggings. I'll spare the details but whether or not it was a reaction to being more open with dressing or perhaps it was the edible we shared, but the sex that night was absolutely mind-blowing. After 16 years together and many mutual orgasms, that night would easily make top 3.

Embracing that side of me and after years of aching to express the 'prettier' side of myself while also rekindling my love of dressing en femme has come to me exploring every angle of what I actually like.

So far, if you're still reading, I would give you exactly one cookie because cookies are awesome. This all has so far been consisting of typing, erasing, rephrasing, erasing again-- rinse/repeat in a painful but cathartic means to exercise the details of how and why I'm here.

It has been simultaneously both liberating and terrifying because I've lived the vast majority of my life as a relatively average, straight cis white dude.

That being said, I feel compelled to spell this out explicitly up front: I have no use or desire to use or feel entitled to any type of privilege, however it is implied. I'm not going to judge anyone for any reason other than solely how you are as a person. I don't care what color of the rainbow your skin happens to be, I don't even care what is in between your legs, but let's be honest here folks, an asshole is an asshole...is an asshole....so don't be one if you can help it!




We're goin' way way back.
22 years ago I was a senior in high school and wanted to be any sort of professional writer, pre-social media etc. That senior year I was the editor-in-chief both semesters of the school newspaper class-- and the teacher let me run the show completely. I was absolutely hooked.
My first month of my freshman year of college was when 9/11 happened. I will always remember having an 8am Journalism 201 course the day of 9/11, where we had been tasked with at the end of the previous class-- to read 4 different newspapers in their entirety in the next two days. So, as this grey-haired "Emmitt Brown-vibe" professor liked to conduct his business, we started out the day with a 10 question current events quiz.

I wouldn't be able to tell you what was on that quiz, but I did get a 90 for citing the wrong paper on one of the answers.
And then everything changed, and I lost my built-in passion for wordplay and writing.


TA kind of imposter syndrome is a fickle bitch to wrestle with, and while I am norrnally what most people would tag as shy or quiet to people I've never met, I have no option to be anything OTHER than an adept conversationalist because of my job. Years of social anxiety mixed with a job that forces you to constantly speak with and have conversations with strangers for hours at a time really tests your sanity and patience.

I'm tall (6'4") , husky and my voice is naturally deeper than most men, I have a slow and calm cadence when speaking, and although i am not a huge fan of my voice, at least once a week I routinely have middle-aged women tell me unsolicited at work that they could " listen to me speak all day" and others have said "Let me know if you ever get to be on a podcast because I'd love to just open a bottle of wine and listen to you for hours."

Side note: While my partner is my best friend, and we get along great, have a relatively healthy and normal sex life together, she doesn't masturbate, doesn't want to use toys, vibrators, wands, or anything else despite us spending money over the years to experiment....

and ....It's a little bit of nipple action into PIV for her.
That's all she wants.
She insists on that being all she wants.
I'm okay with this, because if she's satisfied then everything else I do myself is just a bonus, and because my love for her is greater than my insistence on involving things she wants no active part or role to play. She knows about my dressing and femme persona whom she has told me "should come around more" but with 2 kids, 1 being younger...it's hard to just 'bring her out' on the fly without potentially very much confusing family. I don't fear their response , I just don't want to cause any unnecessary grief because they don't understand what Daddy is doing.

TL;DR so far: Since the 80s , decent looking and personable cis tall white dude has occasionally dressed and presented as female, but would just buy clothes at a store like target or walmart and wear them when alone at home. Lately, I've learned makeup and lots of other girly things that I have been utterly obsessing over --- "Oh, holy shit....I've been 'window shopping' online at a dozen different clothing labels imagining myself in those clothes...for the last 3 1/2 hours.


One of my ultimate goals with my spouse from all of this exploring? Making love to her as if we were two twenty-something lust-filled hormone fueled lesbians exploring each others bodies, with me taking a dominant role, tying her in some light bondage, eating her pussy and ass like groceries and then for the finale,hold her above me and force her down onto my cock , grabbing both asscheeks and bucking so hard like she entered a bull-riding contest with lots of money to the top performers....all while I'm wearing a bra, panties around my ankles, and buttplug in my ass. I suppose it's nice to have stretchgoals.

I am and have been for some time now in a headspace to where I am so much more comfortable in my skin presenting as a woman, but because of my existing life and also with the conflicting nature of submission vs. my naturally and insistently dominant persona -- this is not something I anticipate will be 'fufulled' to any meaningful degree outside of words on a screen and various sites like the one we're using now . I feel like I'm doing a massive disservice to myself if I'm submitting willingly, or unreasonably according to someone else's whims in regards to the idea of 'never escaping the cage'.


Oh, you're still here? Cool, thanks for bearing with me.

So, chastity.

I've always had the fascination and the hard-on for it, but the whole motivation I have for starting this journey and exploring self-locking chastity is that its extremely hard for me to put my head in a space where it involves me not having control. Time and time again, if I'm submissive, I feel that the only way I'm comfortable with that is if I'm only submitting to myself.

Confused yet? Yeah, me too.

I have started in the last week or two caging myself for increasing lengths of time. It's been a challenge to find the right type and style. I am a grower (3.5in flaccid, 6.5in hard and quite girthy) and I've found that a nub cage is the most comfortable for me.

I started with a HT knockoff that honestly felt too big, although I filled it up relatively easily, I really couldn't wait until I could try a much smaller, more restrictive device, and the nub is great. There's something about looking down and just seeing a little pink 'clitty' that is a pure dopamine rush mixed with intense feminine energy to someone who has only seen or watched videos about it until I allowed myself to explore this entire world inside myself that had been kept at bay, at arms length for the better part of two decades.

After a cumulative lock time of about a week so far, I can say early impressions of chastity in general have been far above expectations. I have a healthy drive and feeling the restriction of the cage is honestly the most unusual but satisfying and fufilling type of edging I have ever had the pleasure of experiencing.

Why am I caging myself? Glad you (didn't ) ask.

In short, it's my own personal preference and dictated by feeling that the only person who should dictate my wants and needs is myself. I don't prescribe to the notion that I am, myself, some sort of wild animal that is only ever trying to get my dick buried in a tight, wet hole.

I have lots of interests and even the occasional hobby, so I suppose you could say I already am starting to feel and experience the actual freedom that being caged brings me. Bonus points for it also instinctively making my tight virgin ass quiver when touched and my B-cup tits and nipples tingling with delight.

The longer I experience chastity and reap the benefits of the focus it fills me with, the more I do start to believe that if there were no consequences/downsides, I would just live as a trans woman who's life goal is to convert straight men into obedient sissies and be a keyholder
so that theey don't have to bother wrestling with the demons that I have....


To be continued...




While I have so so much more to word-vomit all across this blog or journal, I think t am going to withhold for now, gauge interest and conversation potential before I continue inro

 

Hey ya’ll,

thanks for taking the time to read through my ramblings and share the apparent ‘looking into a mirror from the past vibes’ that it seemed to give…

Just curious— for any of you reading and thinking some of what I describe sounds like a ‘past you’ — my follow-up question would have to be this:

Did any of you hit a point where things went dramatically one way or another (i.e. caging for longer periods, feminizing, becoming more sub than switch, or vice versa?)
Also, regardless of how you answered that— what’s the long term goal with the chaste lifestyle for you?

I have been stewing over continuing to share more of my more recent exploits and cravings but I’ve also been playing around with the idea of starting to write fictional short stories of scenarios or situations involving D/s, chastity, etc for fun .

I haven’t been online as much as I’d like to have been over the last few weeks as I am just getting over having a nasty bout of the Flu while also caring for my youngest who has just been getting over RSV last few weeks have been hell but I am hoping that with a little extra time on my hands, I can give a few folks around these parts a little extra holiday cheer

 

Also, a brief-ish update on self-caging.

I wrote this first post about 6 weeks ago— and I was under the weather for at least two weeks of that time— during that time, no cage, no dressing, no play— just was focused on getting well!

outside of those two weeks, and especially over the last 2-3 weeks , I feel like I have levelled up considerably in my hands-free game.

I didn’t address this in my first post , but to state for the record, prior to starting to cage, my adventures into butt stuff have been limited but have been consistently inconsistent since I was a teenager , (so, last 20-25 years )

I’m no size queen, and I am an anal virgin, but not with various sized toys. Eating an edible, using a prostate massager and either meditating or trying something like Mindgasm is definitely highly highly enjoyable.

I could ramble on about how fucking good it feels when you have a suction cup dildo positioned just right— thrusting your hips and just stroking that p-spot as your cock turns into a leaky faucet with a steady stream of thick prostate fluid as it flaps around with those back and forth — up and down motions …but I’m not here to talk about that. I have yet to experience a true prostate orgasm but it’s on my to-do list.

What I did want to share , eagerly, is my new fixation on nipple play .

I have not previously been into nipple play or really explored anything related to them ever before, so I’ll give you a play - by - play of my experience, awakening and maybe throughout, a nice and not too subtle how-to

So to set the stage , since I had been under the weather and butt stuff had kinda been off the menu for that reason— but still feeling the urge to tease and edge myself, I decided that I was going to explore what also kind of felt good if I tried but always stopped after a minute or so.

for those uninitiated with nipple play and who are caged and possibly horny but don’t want to do the prep or just don’t like to do buttstuff— I have one clear ‘shout it from the mountaintop ‘ message for you: what are you waiting for ?? Grab some oil or some lube and start rubbing and teasing them because the payoff is… well , I’ll get there — I promise!

had previously purchased a cheap pair of nipple suckers and had never used them. I started by using some coconut oil , putting some around the nipple and some around the inside ring of the sucker … attach them , wait 5 minutes or so … pull em off and oh baby— they will be sensitive as they’ve ever been .

I will preface all of this by saying while I probably watch more than my share of porn— it’s honestly just distracting and was able to explore much more freely with some calming low frequency binaural beats/ meditation type music . Kick your legs up, slap on some headphones, close your eyes and keep rubbing.

while I’m sure it varies wildly from person to person, my nips are pretty small , they were ‘inverted’ and areolas only about an inch in diameter. A week of daily nipple sucking has all but corrected the inverted nipple part, and just as working the p-spot is about re wiring the brain to focus on pleasure from other sources , it works generally exactly the same while stroking your nips.

When i first started, I didn’t feel too much but I knew I started to feel something when after rubbing them for a few minutes I started flexing the muscle you use to hold pee— and every time I did, when I would lightly graze over the tips of my nipples and swirl them around while rubbing the base of the nipple, putting the slightest amount of pressure on the skin— I felt sharp pleasurable tingling in the same way you would if you were just holding your dick and just starting to rub one out .

this made me immediately motivated to chase those feelings— and see where they took me.

It hasn’t been 5 minutes longer and the more I teased my tits with my cock locked in a HT-nub, the pressure started to grow. This was and seems to be consistently a distinctly different pressure than just getting hard … I was lightly pressing against my nub cage but the real tension was in and around my areolas as they started to clearly tingle. It was the same tingle that you may get when you are incredibly horny and your partner grabs your cock. What i must emphasize is that this is The bite your lip and keep going kind of tingle.

in case you are curious, honestly, what I describe started to happen regularly ( and still happens) after about 5-6 days of light, and extremely casual 5-10 min of daily nipple play. I’m talking about just grazing across your chest through your shirt and giving them a little flick and pinch until it felt good… stop for a few minutes , do it again randomly etc until you are at least making yourself feel good vibes or ever so slight pleasure ‘twitches’ every time you deliberately touch them. Your mileage may vary so it may require more or less time to really get those puppies howling for more

so, back to ‘the awakening’…

As I continued to rub in a circle, circle, across the middle and then back across the middle motion for what felt like forever but was probably only another 5-10 minutes .

Again, I was motivated to chase down what I could and I just relaxed enough to tell myself — if it feels good don’t stop just roll with it.

At some point after this , I started to feel fullness in my chest and abdomen, a growing fullness that was continually growing as I continued to pinch, tweak and rub my nipples .

what really levelled me up was one of those toys made primarily for clits that have ‘suction’ while it also has a younger that vibrates and licks relentlessly.! These toys almost all look like a rose, but with one nipple free for my to play with , I attached the ‘licker by using the suction button that sucks a decent portion of nipple and surrounding skin into the chamber to give it the largest target it can have .

I knew I was in for a ride when , at the moment I turned the toy on… I could feel one of my inner thigh muscles start to quiver involuntarily .

I turned the toy up a speed and changed the rhythm , which felt like switching from 1st to 4th gear while driving a stick shift car…. And what followed from this point on was — to be the understatement of my year— a tad bit unnerving while also being some of the strongest pleasure I’ve ever felt in my life.

when that toy kicked into high gear, I was trying to match the speed and stroke with my hand across my other nipple, and it was made incredibly hard to follow when my abs and hips started to buck vigorously .

the only way I think I could adequately describe the intensity would be the Death Star laser firing sequence from the original Star Wars a new hope.

it was as if I was pulsing, throbbing and shooting beams of sexual tension from my chest , down my body and out of my caged cock. But it was more than that. But…It wasn’t singular. It wasn’t a pump and dump refractory period let down…. I had at least 3-4 additional tsunamis of pleasure coarse down every part of every muscle that was capable of feeling feelings . I’m not entirely sure how long that had taken but my guess is that it wasn’t too very long. I had 4 hands free dry nipple orgasms
Within the span of 10-15 minutes .

the best part about afterwards? I was still horny but also immensely satisfied , felt drained but after I put a shirt on, the shirt might as well have been it’s own toy as I practically lurched out of my seat the second the fabric rubbed against my tits.

at that point , I was in a clouded state of disbelief . I had a full blown ‘sissygasm’ without even touching my butt… I had no intention of having an orgasm when I started , and honestly didn’t even consider the possibility that I could even have any type of nipple only orgasm. Just— mind altering. Simply, ‘Wow! ‘

That was the prevailing thought in my mind for the rest of the day and several days afterwards.

This happened about 12 days ago from the time of me typing this — and since that time , I’ve played with them a little bit most days— with each time that I’ve dedicated more than 5 minutes time being extremely productive.

I’ve been able to have AT LEAST TWO DRY CAGED ORGASMS within just several minutes of one another each time I dedicate roughly 10-15 minutes to playing with them. This is with no toys in the butt, and no vibe on cage. Purposefully made cage and ass off limits to see if that would help me focus and —mercy on my soul— talk about happy accidents.

The first time so far has been the most intense but each time feels like a true revelation. As I’m typing now, mid sentence, I stop to lick my finger and rub across one of my nipples that almost immediately sends tingles across my chest and down my back .

Full disclosure and since I am self caged— One time I had one , stopped rubbing my nipples and took my cage off… threw on a cock ring and alternated nipples while stroking one out. All said and done, I could have drowned a colony of ants with the thick and massive loads I was shooting.

So, TL,DR: nipple play is, for me, something that I’m actually now retroactively upset that I had completely, totally neglected for virtually my entire adult life. Now, I practically can’t stop touching them and making myself squirm with every tweak.

Utterly life-changing. (Sorry/not sorry for that pun
11/10, highly, highly recommended.


I’m sure I’ll continue to type up more of my exploits and if anyone has any questions or curiosities regarding any of this , I will GLADLY be your guide and answer or comment on anything you have for me.

To kick it up a notch tonight , after sharing my discovery with my wife, she agreed to be a ‘substitute sucking/licking nipple toy’ and she’s curious about how it’s even possible (and judging from her initial reaction , perhaps a tinge jealous too lol)

p.s. good to be back ya’ll

 

Hey ya'll,

I had been working on a piece of fiction , a short story/scenario tonight that I shortsightedly lost completely because I had a ditzy moment and clicked on something that redirected me off of the page....and for whatever reason I just did not just type it outside of a forum's textbox.

I was probably at least 1000 words deep when that happened and because it is now after 1am it has killed my motivation to start again tonight. So, sadly, something new to share of the fictional , creative variety is not making it's debut tonight.

With that being said, is there even a demand for that type of content?

If you're wondering what the premise is of what I was balls deep into writing-- I'll indulge your perceived curiosity

it is essentially part 1 or episode 1 of a serialized style series of short stories where a fictionalized fantasy version of myself is a relationship 'fixer' for hire, whether it be a desperate limp dicked husband who wants to know how he could ever please his wife again to the more ambitious but my personal favorite scenario involving being in situations where the wife or girlfriend or partner desperately needs my help in 'correcting' an unruly or out of control, disrespectful husband.

The particular scenario that is intended to be episode 1 involves the latter, where through some thoughtful discipline and some proper humbling, there is quite the happy ending involving my character playing the role of both the husband's keyholder/mistress slightly against his will while also being his wife's 'bull' or stuntcock.

To anyone who's ever dabbled in erotic / adult games, this is a scenario that would be the exact opposite premise of the game "The wife trainer files", where you, the main character are hired by desperate husbands who have wives that have varying quirks to them that endanger their relationship or marriage. It's very well-written and I can share a download link to anyone curious.

All things considered, even if it's not the most exciting scenario for you--the reader-- my goal would be to convey a sense of conviction and sincerity in the characters to make it both universally erotic and a means for me to explore various headspaces that I occasionally find myself inhabiting.

This would be something more than just jumping directly into the action, but rather fleshing out the dynamics of the relationships in question and setting the scene with the equivalent of a 'porn plot but actually compelling and not just fluff'

So, for anyone watching/following/reading this, hold on to your butts (and cages) because I'll likely be posting part of, if not all of part 1 at some point tomorrow (12.18)

If it has a place or even just a niche audience that enjoys the content here, then I plan to make it a regular attraction .

Thoughts/comments/questions? Feel free to let me know .

Bella

 

Hi there,

Thanks for taking the time to read and ask a question. They arent nearly as advanced or expensive as the medical variety. I typically will use these for only 5 minutes or so at a time with plenty of oil/lube. any longer and i find they get a bit too puffy and have to wait a few minutes for the puffy-ness to subside. I've also tried nipple clamps but even adjustable ones I find are rather awkward to keep attached, as my areolas are on the small side.

the ones specifically I have and use are identical to these

 

As we all prepare to enter a new year, I leave you with the deepest, most thoughtful self-analysis I can provide.


I am the result of 14 billion
years of cosmic evolution,

I am a thermodynamic
miracle.

I am the waking universe
looking back upon itself.

I am a huge fan of thicc thighs
and anime tiddies.

Happy New Year A/all.