A Wish Cant Be Taken Back

Discussion in 'Female led relationships' started by Beta-Jeff, Oct 11, 2021.

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  1. Beta-Jeff
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    Beta-Jeff Member

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    My first post here on the community ...

    My name is Jeff. I am 34 years old and am married to an absolutely gorgeous 26 year old woman named Sarah. We have been married for a few years and had a very average marriage in which I completely dominated. This was in the bedroom and in life in general. All decisions were made by me, in all areas of our life. This being said, our marriage hasn't been great. We were growing apart and having serious fights, some going a bit too far. Inevitably we were on the path on divorce on day, maybe sooner than anyone realized.

    I admit that the struggles in our relationship were mostly due to my own ego and narcissism, among other things. I had no faith in my wife to provide and protect the household like I could. I had become addicted to masturbation and did it at least once per day, watching porn while I did it. The sexual connection between us became nonexistent to the point that I was literally refusing sex with the most beautiful woman I have ever met.

    I had never really opened up as a man, as my upbringing demanded strength and the complete lack of emotion, but secretly I have always desired to be submissive. A lot of the porn I was watching was BDSM, where I was pretending to be the girl, as it made me feel a bit weaker physically and the idea of being forcefully dominated ruled my secretly kinky thoughts.

    For some reason, I chose to bring up chastity to her. I had researched it and found it really sexy, having no idea what it actually meant. I read that it had psychological effects on males and made them more subservient to their keyholder. So ... I presented the information to my wife, had a discussion, and gave her the space to process it. She read and researched for several days and agreed to try it, though it weirded her out badly.

    We ordered the first device, the Locked in Lust anti pullout with several adjustable rings. I'm pretty sure its super similar to a CB3000 or something like that? Anyway, it was an absolutely awful device and I had a lot of medical issues using it. The experience was nearly ruined for me. I did end up ordering another device as I wanted to keep trying, which was the Holy Trainer v4. It was dramatically better than the other and I was able to wear it for more than 1 day.

    I had made several attempts at longer term, and some of the attempts ended up working quite well. The longest I had been caged was around 3 days and there was a point where the house was sparking clean from my servitude. She got a small hinting snapshot of what life could be like in this dynamic, but it always ended for some reason.

    Months had gone by since we had last tried chastity and I brought up locktober to my wife. She was intrigued and ended up writing our an entire 30 day plan for locktober. Though we had not made it more than a couple days and i had not trained in a cage for months, we tried again. For some magical reason, I had no pain or issues this time. Overnight we entered locktober with full steam ahead.

    The first couple of days were easy, well ... as easy as they could be from quitting daily masturbation cold turkey. Then ... it got harder. I was not prepared for what came mentally. My mind started to unravel as the days continued. My defenses fell and I transformed into a domestic servant for my wife. The urges are like some crazy duality that I wish for abuse one moment and wish to quit the next.

    In a matter of a few days, she transformed me from the dominant in our relationship to her plaything that serves her every need, cleans the entire house, and follows her every command. Over the last few days, I see a happier woman than I have ever seen in my life. I have opened my emotional doors and she has opened hers. Honestly, I feel closer to her than I ever have. Our connection is absolutely unreal and I see that she is 100% in love with her new role in our marriage. This is the most terrifying part of my experience so far.

    I have seen strong indicators that locktober is just the beginning. Its highly likely that she has zero intention of stopping and that this will turn into a permanent change. She told me that this is now and FLR and caged or not, I will obey her and know my place. This is a 24/7 dynamic, not a part time thing. I feel that the further we go down this path, the less of a chance I have to turn back. My resolve is weakened by the day and her power grows tremendously. It can be seen in her body language, behavior, and demeanor.

    How does one deal with the reality that this just got a lot realer than you may have asked for? How do we continue without unraveling our minds further? How do I stabilize these crazy mood swings? How can I learn to embrace my new place in life as her submissive husband?

    It has only been 10 consistent days of chastity and there is no sight of an end. Any advice is appreciated ...
     
  2. Andy80
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    Thank you Beta-Jeff for sharing your personal journey. It's good to read that it's working out for both of you. Other CM members with similar experiences with their wives will probably put it better, but my advice (obvious though it may be) is to keep taking things a step at a time, and communicate regularly, which sounds like you are.

    As you stay locked for longer, you'll probably find some of those challenging early frustrations ease (it takes a few weeks for the male body to adjust to a lack of orgasms) and it often then reaches a plateau of lovely warm and fairly constant low-level arousal, which in my opinion feels just heavenly.
     
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  3. NEsubhub
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    NEsubhub Active member

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    I find it interesting that the power exchange in your relationship has happened so suddenly.
    Like yours, our relationship began with myself dominating our house and bedroom. My Mrs is now the authority figure in the relationship. I'm certainly not complaining, but it's taken some time to get here. Trial and error and lots of communication. The more she realized how powerful her role was, the more she flexed her muscle. The rules and expectations changed over time. They continue to change. She was raised to believe that sex always resulted with the man having an orgasm. If she didn't have one, it was okay. That same woman now has an orgasm "every time", and if I don't, it's okay. It's her pleasure that is most important.
    Thank her for taking control and making your relationship better. Enjoy the journey as your relationship grows. Put her needs above yours and reap the benefits of a happy and content wife.
     
  4. Beta-Jeff
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    Beta-Jeff Member

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    Funny thing is this is far less about sex and far more about making her life as amazing as possible. I absolutely hate the, "no orgasms at all" but it really opens my eyes to other things when my attention isnt on myself and sex. This is the most interesting thing I have ever experienced in a relationship. I am nervously excited to see where it goes.
     
  5. Jah Rubbings
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    Jah Rubbings Jah Rubbings

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    It's taken us a year to get to where we are now. I'm still heading in to uncharted territory this Locktober. Just bear in mind that 31 days is a long time, and you are just starting out. Communication. FLR, yes but your needs are important too. They will just change. Keep a journal, I find mine helpful.
     
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  6. true42
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    true42 Owned member

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    Well, you've somehow gone further in a few weeks than most men seem to go in an entire lifetime of trying, so while it may be terrifying, there are lots of guys around here who would trade with you in a heartbeat :+1:

    Your narrative sounds like a good start. Don't worry about the twists and turns ahead. The improved communication and openness alone is worth pretty much anything!
     
  7. HusbandX
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    HusbandX Active member

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    You've made a commitment, even if for a short duration, to focus on her, and. you're discovering what that means and how good it can be.

    I found that I had more time in a day. I had more mental capacity, more creativity. While over the short term, I found myself returning more and more to think of release, knowing I couldn't have it liberated me. I didn't focus so much because I knew I couldn't have it. I overspend, and when I don't have money, I don't look for things to spend it on. Same with sex; I wasn't looking, and consequently avoided doing the shopping, such as looking at things which might otherwise make me think of sex (pornography, for example). Instead, I found other things to absorb my attention, whether it was conversing with her, studying for work, or my writing. Our relationship improved. Fights evaporated. I noticed a tendency in myself to be more respectful to all women, but also to men. As a male, I felt like sex drove me, but as a chaste male, I felt like I drove me.

    That level of self-realization, the epiphany, as I call it, didn't last. No more than the magic of being in love stays forever, but that eye opening period doesn't need to. It's indelible, an impression and an understanding that is about growth. Once you understand what's been controlling you, and realize that you have control, and that it's okay to give up a certain amount of control, the journey goes on. Your chastity is an exercise, a way of life, even if temporary, but that sacrifice is at the heart of what all sacrifice truly is: giving up something good to get something better. You're realizing the better, and that realization will be the key you need to apply it in all facets of your life.

    Chastity to me doesn't necessarily mean no orgasms. Chastity is the control, it's the focus, and it's the prioritizing. My wife gives up nothing to chastity. She may have sex whenever she likes, and when we have sex, it's not an end to chastity. It's a reinforcement of our marriage, our exclusivity, and a commitment. It's a celebration of her. Though it's become a rarity in today's world, the classic "I'm saving myself for marriage" doesn't have to end at the altar. "I'm saving myself for my wife" is the essence of what chastity is, with hers the deciding vote, and perhaps the only vote, as to the terms.

    Enjoy the ride. it has calms and rapids, highs and turbulence, but so long as you stay afloat, the benefits far outweigh anything else, and if you fall off the raft, you need only call for help and get back in. So long as she understands that it's her choice and there are no penalties, no wrong choices, work with her, as any marriage should, and know you're going the right way.
     
  8. Chastity lord
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    Chastity lord chastity lord

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    Beautifully said, My journey is at the start also, , chastity is amazing and the changes you experience are completely foreign.
     
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  9. slappy
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    slappy Member

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    In a similar situation but having a tough time giving up the control ..sounds like you figured it out.
     
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  10. Beta-Jeff
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    Beta-Jeff Member

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    Not sure if I have it "figured out". I'm on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. Last night, I was having a complete breakdown and feeling rejected. Ive been having a really hard time processing these waves of emotions.
     
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  11. MissyB
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    MissyB Active member

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    Hope it continues to work for you and your partner. Good luck and enjoy. Thanks for sharing.
     
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  12. SubSnuggler
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    SubSnuggler Owned by Fiona with the Magical Velveteen Pussy

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    I totally know what you mean. And it doesn't stop even years down the road. Our marriages are an evolution. Sometimes the change is rapid and unsettling and sometimes it's like the frog in the proverbial pot of water being slowly brought to a boil. Either way, it's just natural to have these doubts. If you are a male in a FLR, you are going to have them.

    The best thing to do is communicate with your wife. You've already shown that you are better at doing that than 97.8% of the other men around you. Now it's just about closing the loop and keeping that communication continuous and open.

    I've posted before about what my Wife and I do- we have a meeting every week where we do nothing but bare our souls. The most liberating thing I've ever done as a man is tell every single last secret to my wife. And it's the most scary thing too. But when you do, and she accepts you, and tells you she loves you, and she wants to explore this new world with you by your side, it's all good my man. It's All. Good.

    The rejection is natural. New KH often don't realize that with their man all locked up, he's aware of it 24/7 and literally reminded constantly. They are kind of out-of-sight out-of-mind. Mine was. Just let her know you need her to tug on it and smile every now and again. Tease you. Let you know she's aware of your sacrifice and that she loves you even more locked up. She'll get it- she's just new at this marvelous role she's found.

    Could be worse- my wife locked me up and then announced she wouldn't unlock me for 3 months! I almost passed out from fright. She didn't realize that was an impossible task for me, and honestly she wouldn't like it either lol.
     
  13. Beta-Jeff
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    This is really reassuring to hear that someone has a similar experience. I'm not sure though if it is my wife that needs to give me that "tug and smile" every now and then or if I need to embrace the fact that my emotions dont really matter as much as serving her. Should she not be able to dominate in whatever way she prefers, even if that means that I am left feeling broken and ignored? I feel like this is my fault and that I need to find a way to channel the negative emotions into something that makes me a better version of myself for her. I'm just not sure how exactly I would do that ...
     
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  14. SubSnuggler
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    SubSnuggler Owned by Fiona with the Magical Velveteen Pussy

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    NO- your emotions absolutely DO matter. A successful dominant has as their top priority the health and welfare of their submissive. If you are unhappy and she doesn't care... RUN. Your job is to give her the information and feedback she needs to run a successful household. Yes, you are expected to work and you are expected to bow to her will on all but the most important things (kids, retirement, etc). But if you are miserable that household won't run smoothly and she won't be happy with you.

    Dommes and subs are like yin-and-yang, two halves of a whole. You need her and she needs you.
     
  15. ChasteCel
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    ChasteCel 7/6 on the TomAllen-Rectrix scale

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    Congrats! You guys have made it in about 2 weeks what took me and my wife about a year to figure out. It took me being free (unintentionally apparently) for about a month for her to realize she likes me caged up more. That point was about 4 years ago now and I've been locked in a cage most of the time since :) Good luck!

    This is one of the harder things to deal with. Assuming you go lifestyle and spend most of your time locked in a cage, there will absolutely be periods where she's not feeling up to it. Bad day at work, feeling ill, horrible phone call with her mother/sister/whomever. Those absolutely will happen. And it's natural to feel rejected. And these times may last a while. I know there are periods where my wife isn't feeling well and it could be weeks. "Locked and forgot" does feel like a thing.

    But just remember that she does in fact love you, and the act of keeping you locked up is an act of love in and of itself. And if you're really feeling it, I've found sitting down and having an adult conversation about how you're feeling is good.

    You do absolutely matter your emotions matter ... but so do her thoughts and feelings. If she's not feeling up to feeling you up all the time, then that's that. But if you're feeling rejected and broken then talk to her about it.

    It's only been a couple weeks so far, but let me offer one piece of advice I think a lot of people here will definitely echo - keep an open line of communication. If you're not "playing" for a few days or even a few weeks and this is a long term thing, then you *both* have to be okay with what's happening, and the only way to do that is to talk about it.

    Stay horny and good luck!
     
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  16. starflyer
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    starflyer Junior Member

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    Beta-jeff
    Just embrace it, your wife will love you for it
     
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  17. madams-sissysub
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    Enjoy your journey! And long may it carry on!
     
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  18. borbulls1961
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    borbulls1961 Madame Vanilla's property

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    Yeah. Sometimes it sucks.
    Just DON'T MASTURBATE.
     
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  19. BelindaMark
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    BelindaMark Guest

    Beta-Jeff, well written. We are into 4-5th year, may be more if we count prior years my wife was still the most dominant, confident . It took my wife to really take on the D/M role in FLR itself.
    But since pandemic my wife seem to take it seriously since she seem to realize what I want. Which is her being in total control. Now I too have days at end in chastity (max 9 days). Lots of touching , kissing and we are closest in our marriage
     
  20. bondinchas
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    bondinchas Active member

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    As others have said you've come a long way in a very short time, but not everything moves at the same speed. Emotional, bahavioral and hormonal changes take time, so don't be hard on yourself, take time to understand those emotions.
    If it's confusing put it on the shelf for a day and return to it. Explain how you feel to your wife but don't discuss it straight away, leave it for some 'quality time' later. If you explain something to someone and then park it to deal with later then your subconscious will often work in the background and come up with the answer for you.

    Be patient, change takes time and so does understanding it.

    But one thing's for sure. The changes you've made are already showing so many benefits, you shouldn't be in fear of them. Nothing except death is final, you can always choose go back to the old you, but having come this far, I doubt you'll want to.
     
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