Folks, My wife and I were raised as a fundamentalist Christians. We were taught that masturbation is evil and sex is for procreation--pleasure is a happy, but not required, byproduct. The first few years of our marriage were predictable in terms of sex. We got pregnant, had kids, got busy with work and career. It was a bumpy road, sexually, but we kept at it. We've been happily married for 40 years and it has been a long, slow evolution. I can't take much credit; I just took a normal interest in her pleasure. Given our context, even that was revolutionary. These days I'm delighted to say that it is usually not a question of whether she has an orgasm, but whether she has more than one. I stimulate her digitally and then also like her to be on top so she can move however feels good to her. In the last year (yes, we still experiment even at our advanced age!) I've started giving her oral sex. I love giving it, but I don't think I'm very good at it. She climaxed during oral the first time just last week. For those of us with this kind of background, sometimes it takes a while to get psychologically used to accepting something as pleasurable that was previously prohibited. Back at the ranch... I'm a huge sub. My only wet dreams as a kid were of being dominated--and I had never even seen anything of the sort. There's no question in my mind that it is my natural bent. I have pitched chastity to my wife as a sex game: She can lock me up in the morning and keep me that way for as long as she wants. When she hands me the cage I also take my Cialis (hey, we're old, not dead). The nice thing about Cialis is that it is good for almost 24 hours. Usually we have PIV sex that night, but I'm teaching her to torment me a bit, LOL. I'm hoping to have her cum and put me away wet, as the saying goes. I love giving her control over my male member like this. Her first question when I finally got into the chastity cage was, "Where's my key?" ... now you know why I love this woman. OK, so, finally to my question: What is the next step towards helping her to dominate me without getting so shocked she jumps off the train altogether? For example, I would LOVE to get pegged. The whole role-reversal dynamic... I'm having a hard time not touching my crotch just thinking about it. But that is, for now, so far from her experience and out so far out of her comfort zone that to broach the subject would be counter-productive. Not only would she think it perverted, she'd wonder if I wasn't a closet gay (I'm not... I want a dominant woman to do me, not a man). We are new to chastity so there is time to explore and get more elaborate. We are not in a hurry. But I wonder what is next? Bondage? I'd love to be restrained. A flogger? That is a 50 year long fantasy. I'm a patient--but very horny--man. Thankfully, my naturopathic doctor sympathizes and has prescribed testosterone cream. I can't keep up with you young bucks, but I think I could keep most women happy. My wife has a smile on her face most days. Oh, about 15 years ago I talked my wife into licking my nipples, but just last year I took a stab at having her bite them a little. She forgets that I like that, but that is at least on the table. But keep in my mind that I have very slowly and very patiently introduced things that are my turn ons. I'm pretty sure if I told her I wanted her to be a dominatrix she'd freak out. But she loves me and is willing to do individual activities that I like. My thought is that if it walks like a dominatrix and talks like a dominatrix, it is a dominatrix, LOL. Anyway, now that I've found this site I have to wonder what advice y'all would give, and whether anyone else has trod this road. Thanks in advance!
I'm trying to think of some half measures that you can suggest without scaring her away. My wife is a little timid and vanilla, but she has found that she enjoys playing with me using a whartenberg wheel, so you might just buy one. Let her play with it on her arm to see it's pretty risk free, and let her know that you would love her to use it on you. I think it best to be honest with her and mention it as a start towards something else. Try to be vague, but when she pushes, tell her that you would like her to tie you up so that she can be totally in command. Tell her that you are turned on by the power switch, and want to explore it with her. Don't pile too much on her at once. Let her consider just a couple baby steps. Hopefully she will experiment with you a little bit and after a while you can introduce something else. Pegging is probably a long way off, unless she really takes to the change in dynamic. Think of it as a wish that may never come true.
Welcome here and good luck on your journey! My Wife and I were also raised with very "puritan" moores. We both experienced a little bit of kink in our previous relationships, but nothing that could be considered extreme. We met almost 11 years ago. We have been married for 4 years. Neither of us wanted to rush into anything. We wanted to build something extraordinary first. When we married, we were both still very vanilla in our expectations of each other. We had regular sex in the style that we were both accustomed to. Then, things changed. I have always been a closet freak. Turns out, She was too! I was strangely drawn to pegging porn. (Long story) I ended up buying a few "toys" and hiding them in places She would never look. She went out of town almost 2 years ago for 5 days. During that time I brought out my toys and enjoyed myself immensely. The day She was to return, I put them all away. The thing that I forgot to put up was the butt plug that I had slept with inserted for most of the nights She was gone. She returned home and deposited Her suitcase on our bed. The plug rolled onto the floor. She sent me a picture of it and asked "been having fun without me?" Maybe it was a Freudian slip, maybe a lapse in memory. Whatever it was, it started a conversation (however awkward) that lead to the place we are at now. She will often smack my butt at some point in the evening and tell me "you better wash that thing out before bed tonight". She, then, will come to bed wearing Her strapon and make me moan until She is tired of it. Happy days!
A next step I long for: Facesitting with light smothering. That seems like a short distance from me giving her oral, no? We've joked about her tying me up for years, so I told her I was going to buy some restraints. I think she thought it was a joke, but I put them on the bed tonight (she's away). I look forward to lifting up the mattress and showing them to her. We'll see how it goes this week. My dream is for her to put me in the restraints (spread-eagle), straddle my head, and put all her weight on my face as I do what I can with my tongue on her clit... Like I said, I'm not so sure I'm good at oral. She said that it was "almost too intense" for her to cum. Not sure I understand what that could mean.
Oh, I love whartenberg wheels! That is a great idea. I totally agree about baby steps. To be honest, even though I have the kink bent, I still have to work through things myself. That's one reason why it has taken us so long just to get to this point.
You could also try light restraint play, you don't need cuffs etc, just a scarf or tie will do and is non threatening. Same thing for sensory play, drape something over her eyes (or have her do it to you) so that vision is impaired. Its amazing what losing your site does to your other senses, completely different to just closing your eyes. Pegging is fantastic, I wish Mrs Sen would engage more, but it is quite a step from "normal hetero" sex to her wielding a strap on. Has anal play ever been discussed? Do you engage in solo anal play? You could gauge reaction by broaching the topic "I read about it in a magazine / website" what do you think sort of way? Best of luck
The metal cage with pin screws that you show as a photo of how it is “there” is something, so to say, very radically far away from vanilla sex. Does your wife appreciate or at least tolerates its’ view? Does she know what use of this screw holes could be made of?… if the answer is yes, than your wife could reach out quite far from vanilla and puritan sex
I have to be careful with the "I read about it" approach. She is very anti-pornography, which I do get: It isn't healthy for me, for reasons I don't fully understand. We started buying lube from Adam & Eve online a few years ago, and their products often have significant comments. It is OK for me to mention that I saw something in a comment--and virtually all subjects are broached there, LOL. Anal play is probably off limits for now. I'm at risk for asking for too much, too fast. She is going to lock me up again soon, and is at least enjoying seeing me excited about it. I also bought some bed restraints and a Whartenberg wheel. I'm hoping she will eventually put me into spread-eagle bondage and torment me with the wheel, culminating with her on my face. Hopefully the latter is an acceptable next step from me giving her oral. Given that just 5 years ago we were plain vanilla-only, that's quite an evolution, so if we get there I will be ecstatic.
"I'm hoping she will eventually put me into spread-eagle bondage and torment me with the wheel, culminating with her on my face. " My dream came true. It was intense beyond belief! And I'm locked in my cage as I write this... and straining against the bonds, and in pain thereby. But a welcome sting it is. Thanks to all who gave me ideas and advice. More than anything, it gave me courage to take the risk.
Go slow. Communicate. First priority is her pleasure . Make sure she is well satisfied and taken care of her needs first Allow things to happen organically but you can help things along. I was in the same boat more or less. My wife and I have been together for 16 years, married 11. She's quite vanilla. I was always kinky, before her,i had kink filled relatiosnships but she had no interest. Sex life was getting mundane. Especially after having kids. Before chastity, it was once a week, maybe every two weeks. Same foreplay, same position, just going through the motions to get it done. I would masturbate the rest of the week. Finally built up the courage to introduce some kink. First time in a long time, we went on vacation together without the kids. Brought several toys to surprise her. Vibrators were a big hit. She looked at the chastity cage perplexed and said why you want wear that? Anyway, I took a different approach, talked to her about the benefits, and she had a completely different reaction the second time around. That was 10 months ago. I have been in chastity since. One orgasm every 4 weeks initially, now every 6 weeks lately. Within the first month, she brought up sex. She wanted sex but she didn't want to let me out of the cage. I took that opportunity to talk about buying a strap on for me to wear to pleasure her. She was apprehensive at first but I went ahead and bought one. Now she has a name for the strap on and loves it. At some point, the idea of using the strap-on on me must have crossed her mind, as she brought it up one night. Again, I jumped on the conversation, and one night she tried pegging me. It was not too successful but it got the ball rolling. We have become better at it. I also made a reddit account for both us and joined various chastity subreddits. Gives her a chance to see what other couples are doing with chastity. that lead to her learning about milking the prostate. I also found a pretty good vanilla friendly blog of a woman who talks about the basics of chastity and other play. It was not extreme at all to scare my wife off but gave good ideas and explanantions. So my advice, take it slow, communicate with her, keep her satisfied, let things happen organically. You can help things along like I did but I didn't push anything. Where we go from here, who knows but I never thought in a million years my vanilla wife would have me locked in chastity, let alone, peg me or stick her finger up my bum to milk me lol.
Many women struggle with guilt when denying their partners so find away to alleviate that. Buy a Kitchen Safe from Amazon and play some games. Maybe roll dice , draw cards, but ANYTHING that makes it so that she isn't the one carrying the burden. Roll a 3 and the keys go into the safe for 3 days or a 4 means you get to have her anyway you want. Or you could make a wager of $100 and whoever gets desprate enough for PIV breaks a glass jar that is superglued and holding the keys. Take things slow and don't push her into something that is going to change the way she sees you because once a woman sees you in a way that really turns her off, it's hard to go back.
There is a saying where there is will there is a way. That’s not entirely true. Sometimes it’s best to know your limitations and work on plausible expectations. If she has an issue with porn, lubing you up and pegging is probably off the table and always will be. I’m sorry. It’s a lot to take in. First off there is the taboo portion of a man isn’t supposed to like those things and she may not be willing to ruin her illusion of you. Second is it’s your butt, and butt stuff is taboo and naughty. Lastly, it’s anal play, which yes can be relatively clean and yuck free if everything is planned ahead and proper set up happens, but it’s still butt stuff and it’s always going to have a little yucky element. The saying shit happens comes to mind. It sounds like you are doing well introducing some of your other turn ons! You mentioned a crop, I bet a paddle or spanking tool would be an easier sell in a religious household, then say…fucking her husband with a dildo. I actually mentioned domestic discipline and my wife went from just for fun playful slaps, to “when you are naughty you get the paddle” actually she hasn’t in awhile, must be because I’m so good lol. Seriously though, it sounds like you’re doing great, and not overwhelming her. Just keep sticking to small pushes towards the edges, no big leaps.
I like the idea of letting the dice decide! She is OK with sex games--chastity itself is a sort of sex game for us. I've not worked up to 24x7 yet, anyway: I've had some issues with my first device, so I'm waiting for a new one to arrive.
I'm very happy with our current place and hadn't even thought (dared?) to think about really asking for a paddling. But she is OK with biting my nipples now, so who knows? I think your advice not to rush things is spot on. I can wait a while on that. But the thought of a good paddling or flogging makes me really hard, so I hope we can get there.
I think out of all the FLR stuff, discipline is probably one my wife actually liked most. Chastity is way up there, but she seems to have a bit of fun with giving me a red ass for sassing back lol
None of my suggestions are based on experience or knowhow. Perhaps think whether she might want it or might freak out. Then decide whether you wish to risk it just for some more sex (or in our case denial haha. Dopamine then). As someone else said somewhere else on here today; There is a lot of "I" in there. So my first suggeston is... Start making it about her and what she wants, and a lot less about what you want. "The journey of a thousand miles starts from beneath your feet." Tao Te Ching, verse 64, Stephen Mitchel My second is to talk to her about everything. Tell her that it's all a fantasy, it doesn't mean you want to see it all through (some fantasies are best left that way). Then ask her about her fantasies and then work on HER fantasies. Your turn will come. Personally I'd steer clear of ANYTHING that might in any way be interpreted as might threaten her or her security with you or her family and friends. e.g. if you say you want to wear womens panties her first thought *might* be "omg he is going to want to wear dresses when we are out and I will die socially, we'll have to relocate", and that might cause panic...so think of the worst potential knock on effects of whatever you reveal. Only you know really. Good luck.
> Start making it about her and what she wants, Hmmmm. Point well taken. > My second is to talk to her about everything. Tell her that it's all a fantasy, I'd say we're a lot closer to that than most couples who are... like us. But you're definitely on to something there. I think there's a natural seque, too.. "Now that you know some of what I fantasize about, what are some of your turn-ons?" I already know a few just from being observant and caring (a LOT) about her orgasms, but it seems important to give her a chance to verbalize her own "dirty secrets"... Sadly, that's probably what she was taught they were (I know I was). It takes an incredibly safe environment to lay those out there. But oh how I'd love to hear something that surprised or even shocked me. Thanks for the idea. > Personally I'd steer clear of ANYTHING that might in any way be interpreted as > might threaten her or her security with you or her family and friends Oh, man, yes. The taboos are strong in our subculture. But what goes on between a husband and wife in the bedroom is pretty wide open. Fortunately, even my fantasies are pretty tame in the larger scheme of things. The "weirdest", pegging, is probably off the table, but that's OK. I'm not sure it would work out so well for me even in the hands of an expert. I wish I'd had a reason to find out about 25 years ago, but that ship has probably sailed. As I've shared previously, I'm enormously happy for the evolution of things in the last couple months. My wife likes to tap my cock to see if I'm wearing chastity... that is so hot. I don't know that she fully understands what it does for me, but she cares that it does something I enjoy. And she has a strong enough personality that being dominant on occasion is not a stretch. I've always been attracted to strong women and married one--a very good one. She *has* joked that I need a spanking a few times over the years. You don't think... nah, couldn't be. Maybe she really wants to give me one, LOL.
Quick update for anybody following this: I've been locked 24/7 (save cleaning and inspection time) for 6 days straight now. The three to four weeks prior to this were basically trial runs and selecting and getting used to a device. And talking... lots of talking. She is so cool and, thankfully, so very horny. The best comment was after her orgasm last night (and yes, I was denied and stayed locked): "You're going to turn me into a sex machine." Dang, I hope so. I've told her a couple times I'd like for her to come home from work, pull off her underwear and demand that I service her orally immediately. I expect it to happen soon. At a bare minimum (a pun?), I eagerly await her arrival home. I've told her--and it is SOOOO true--that she is the star of the porno in my head. I give full credit to my locked cock for that. I don't understand the psychology of it, but that is definitely how things have worked for us. I'm going to enjoy this phase of things for a while. I bought a couple books for her to read on my Kindle--so she can see the highlighting. Sooner or later she'll ask me why I highlighted the discipline and spanking sections. I know there is still a lot of ME in all this, but with each passing day of lock up I do seem to be focused more on her. I even joked via text message that when I volunteered to do an onerous task for her it was really "...the lock talking." She thought that was hilarious. Interestingly, it is true. Very true.
Had to take a break from the device yesterday, had some chafing, so I took almost 24 hours off and applied Cereve`. I noticed my usual attitudes returning--which are not bad, per se, but they are certainly less altruistic towards my wife. The chafing isn't all the way gone, but the new device happened to get delivered (all metal vs. plastic). I put the new one on this morning and my emotional state changed nearly *immediately*... I wanted to please her more, and got more gratification from doing so. What is this magic? I've read some e-books so I'm not completely ignorant, and maybe I'm just susceptible to suggestion. But once I was in a cage, I felt it before I even read about it, and now it is overpowering. There is a sexual "tint" to it, but honestly, in my current state of mind nothing would make me happier than to give her multiple orgasms daily for the next month and stay totally locked up. I've lost track of time, but I think today is day 8 of what was intended to be continuous 24-7 lock-up with my wife holding the key. I had about three weeks+ of trying to get used to the old device part-time. Because I like 24/7, I decided metal was better and more hygienic. Sitting in my office chair for long periods is still a problem. I hope I can figure this out--that's why I'm chafed, I'm sure.
The stainless steel will generally chafe a lot less. And allows the use of better lubricants as well. And yeah, once you're hooked, it's over. Sorry; we should have warned you.