A New Chapter Unfolds

Everyone is different, and what is long for one person might seem short to another, so you don't read too much into the exact details. But here's what I observed with hubby over the last year or so...

* There weren't really big ups and downs with weekly orgasms. Hubby definitely ached for that release, especially if there was a lot of teasing. But there wasn't a big shift in attitude afterwards. Keep in mind that weekly was our normal for years and he was very used to it. Back when we first started, waiting a week was very difficult for him.

* Hubby gets progressively more submissive when denied for longer than a week. I see the most change in that second week, and it appears to plateau after three or four weeks. An additional month, when I push him that long, is very much like the first month.

* I'm starting to suspect that the "drop" isn't instant. There's certainly a lot of physical and emotional release during orgasm, but hubby's submissiveness doesn't disappear completely. It's just sort of in the background. If I reassert my control quickly enough, then that seems to reengage his submissiveness and significantly reduce the drop. But if I don't lock him up then that remaining submissiveness continues to evaporate and it takes a while to get back on track.

* Hubby's still getting used to this. We started back in April, which feels like a pretty long time to me. On the other hand, he hasn't gotten much practice at "being locked back up after an orgasm". What might have taken only a few months to sort out before may take years when there's a month between experiments.

 

There's absolutely nothing wrong with 3-5 days.

Hubby and I have been playing with orgasm denial for something like 15 years. When we started he was getting a couple orgasms a week. Every once in a while I'd make him wait a full week, but in general he was waiting 3-5 days, just like you. I remember those days very fondly. That's when we started having sex a lot more often, hubby's oral skills improved nicely, and I got used to daily orgasms. We started to communicate better (about lots of things, not just sex) and grew closer. Everything was still super vanilla... except that more often than not our evenings ended without hubby having an orgasm.

After a little while we switched to weekly, which turned out to be a sweet spot. For many, many years that was just the right balance between anticipation and release. We'd experiment with longer durations now and then - usually as some special occasion - and inevitably wind up back to a weekly routine. I read stories of others going months or years, and that sounded exciting, but in the end weekly was what worked best for us. We were still doing that as recently as March.

Hubby and I seem to have established a new normal of monthly. Maybe it will stick. Maybe not. Either way, I'm pretty sure monthly wouldn't have worked for us a decade ago. We're older now, and hubby's libido isn't as strong as it was when he was younger. I'm not entirely convinced that current hubby waiting a month is any more difficult that younger hubby waiting a week. There have also been many years for hubby to get acclimated to denial. A week doesn't have the same "kick" it used to, so after more than a decade of that it takes something more to spice things up. Even so, I wouldn't be that surprised if we return to weekly at some point, or maybe split the difference at two weeks.

This isn't about one number being better than another. It's about exploring what works best for you and your partner. If waiting 3-5 days has created some excitement and intimacy for the two of you, then that's perfect.

 

I don't think it's that simple for me. A big part of "what I want" is for hubby to be happy, and I find it impossible to separate my needs from his. I can't fully enjoy the "key holder dynamic" unless I know he's enjoying it as well. A lot of the last six months has been figuring out what works for us and what doesn't. Which adjustments are easy and which are difficult.

I like the "zone" hubby is in right now. His tiny gestures, his reactions to my verbal teases, the way his body responds when I unlock his cock... it's all wonderful. I feel loved and cherished. Hubby's in a near constant state of sexual anticipation. He makes me feel so amazing that I want to return the favor. I want to give him a treat. Maybe an orgasm.

But I worry that will take us out of the zone, and it will maybe take a week or two to get back. Yes, first world problems... none of my friends get to experience anything like this ever, so it feels a petty to complain that I might have to give it up for several days. That's the essence of my inner conflict: I want to do something special for hubby, but don't want to leave the zone.

I don't fault hubby for this. He's not whining or complaining. He's adjusted to monthly orgasms remarkably well. He can't help how is body works, or how an orgasm will impact him emotionally. I don't want him to pretend to be "in the zone" when he isn't. Remember, this only works for me when it is truly working for both of us. When we both are enjoying it.

 

Back when our normal routine was the honor system and weekly orgasms, we'd occasionally break out the chastity cage and play for longer - typically a month, sometimes a bit more. Hubby would get kind of on edge after a couple weeks and a ruined orgasm was the perfect way to let off a little pressure without diminishing his desire. To me, it was like the best of both worlds, and I got quite good at timing it just right.

When we switched to full time chastity earlier this year, hubby and I had quite a few discussions. One of the things I learned was that he found ruined orgasms to be so frustrating that he'd rather do without them entirely. I was skeptical that he'd be able to last more than a couple weeks before getting cranky, but he's proved me wrong.

Perhaps it's worth revisiting ruined orgasms. I wouldn't want to incorporate them as a "treat" if he still hates them, but his feelings could have changed. Maybe it all depends on expectations. I had this habit of giving him a ruined orgasm instead of a regular one... the ultimate bait and switch. It might be a lot different if he's not expecting a full orgasm.

 

Hubby is often reluctant to talk about sex, but I pushed a little and he said that from a physical standpoint a ruined orgasm felt good, but it wasn't worth the "mental whiplash" (his phrase, not mine). Looking back, the ruin was often a "surprise" where I let him believe he was going to have a real orgasm, only to be ruined at the last moment.

I told him I was going to give him a ruined orgasm later that evening as an experiment. The change in expectations made a huge difference. He said it was still really frustrating immediately afterwards - like having an itch that you cannot scratch. But once that passed he thought that overall it had been enjoyable. Nowhere near a full orgasm, but definitely better than a normal edging. He was still horny afterwards as I locked him back up, and I haven't noticed any "drop".

I'm not sure how I want to incorporate this into our routine, but it's nice to have options.

 

I'm not sure if ruined orgasms should be something kind of special to break up some months, or if they should be fairly regular. If regular, then is a ruined orgasm in the middle of each month a good balance? Could we use it more often, maybe even weekly, and still have everything click? If ruined orgasms start to become frequent, is monthly still a good schedule for real orgasms, or do those become less common?

I know we'll have to experiment and find out what works, but those are the sort of questions I had in mind when I said I wasn't certain how to incorporate ruined orgasms into our routine.

 

Hubby and I just had a very good conversation about chastity. But I think it really started on Christmas. Hubby's anticipation grew as the holiday approached, and I'm sure he was expecting an orgasm. It had been six weeks since his last real orgasm, and I do have a weakness for holidays. But I was enjoying teasing him far too much to let it end. So I made it clear he was done with orgasms for the year and would have to wait until 2023. I'm not sure how much he believed me. I think somewhere deep inside he still expected a Christmas surprise.

I edged him several times throughout the day, but always stopped just short of letting him explode. In the evening I teased him once again, keeping him right on the edge with the lightest of strokes. He begged me to let him cum. I reminded him that he had already used up all of his orgasms for the year and would need to wait another week. I continued to hold him there, just a few strokes and then pausing lest I push him over the edge.

That's when hubby surprised me by asking for a ruined orgasm. Earlier in the year hubby revealed to me how much he hated ruined orgasms, and I was caught completely off guard. I took a few moments to consider (all the while keeping hubby on edge), then finally agreed to a ruined orgasm. But there was a catch... a ruined orgasm now would push back his next real orgasm by an extra week or two. I thought for sure he'd decide to wait for a real orgasm, but again he surprised me by eagerly agreeing to the deal. I demurred, and made him beg a little more, pleading with me to ruin his orgasm. He was so very close. A single stroke, then a pause. Another stroke, and a longer pause. At that point it was really just long pauses with an occasional stroke, bringing him ever so slightly closer each time. Then during one of those long pauses, without any contact at all, his cock throbbed and the cum just dribbled out as hubby groaned. Afterwards, he even thanked me. An hour later it was as if he hadn't cum at all - he was just as eager and desperate as ever. It was perfect.

I took a different approach for New Year's Eve. Originally I had planned on letting hubby cum right after midnight, but after our deal on Christmas hubby knew he was going to have a wait until we were further into January. So I decided to go the other direction and not unlock him at all. I welcomed the New Year with two wonderful orgasms while hubby remained secure in his chastity cage. I kissed hubby goodnight and whispered that the year was off to a good start.

However, I still really wanted to check in with hubby about everything. We had made some big changes in 2022, and the start of a new year felt like a good time to make sure we were still both happy. Hubby's very quiet person and it took a couple days before I found the right moment to talk.

Perhaps most importantly, hubby was happy with how chastity had been working and wanted to continue. I was very happy to hear that. Though I was reluctant at first, I feel like I have grown into my role as keyholder and I love where we are at.

Hubby's only complaint is that he doesn't like having to wait a month between orgasms. He wishes we could go back to weekly, or maybe every two weeks as a compromise. This wasn't a surprise - it's really been the defining tension in our chastity experiment. I pointed out that we had tried that and it didn't work well. I wasn't going to try again without a good reason why it would be different this time. I also mentioned that from my perspective our dynamic is at its best after he's been denied for two weeks, and I'd hate to keep resetting things just as they were becoming great. After some consideration, he agreed that more orgasms wasn't the answer. He just wished it was a little easier. He had expected to get used to waiting a month, but he said after a week or so his body still craved that release, and after two or three weeks he would start to get irritable and was fighting those impulses.

I asked how he was feeling right at that moment. "Horny", "devoted", and "aching" came up, but "irritable" was nowhere to be found. I pushed him on that, noting that it had been almost two months since his last full orgasm. He agreed that the ruined orgasms had been helpful. He even admitted that he had enjoyed his "Christmas present". He said that he hated when I used the ruined orgasm as a "trick"... leading him to expect a full one and then ruining it at the last second. The disappointment in that moment sort of overshadowed everything else. But that when he knew it as going to be ruined, then it was overall a good thing. Still nowhere near a full orgasm, but certainly better than nothing.

He asked if we could add some ruined orgasms into our routine, giving him some sort of release every week or two. This sounded wonderful to me. In fact, I would have suggested it myself if hubby hadn't gotten around to it. However, I also like to push hubby and negotiate a little. I immediately dismissed a week as being far too short, and said two or three weeks felt better. Hubby nodded.

"But there's a price to pay for all of those extra releases", I said. "If I'm going to be generous with ruined orgasms then you'll have to wait even longer for a full orgasm."

"How much longer?", he asked meekly.

"Oh, I don't know. I want them to be special. Very special and memorable. Probably just a few per year."

He looked both excited and terrified.

 

I'm thrilled that hubby has embraced ruined orgasms. From past experience I know they are an essential ingredient for longer stretches of denial with hubby, and I love how there's no "drop" afterwards. One time I teased him a second time less than an hour after a ruined orgasm and he was just as horny and desperate as ever. Anyway, I'm glad that hubby now sees them as a positive.

Hubby's record is 11 weeks, and like you said his desperation more or less leveled off after that initial month. I hadn't intended it to be so long, but each week it was just so easy to kick that orgasm further down the road. This time it feels a little more intentional. I want to wait at least until Valentine's Day, or perhaps even until his birthday in March (which would be four months). Regardless, I will definitely stop the ruined orgasms a few weeks before that.