A Life Altering Revelation

Discussion in 'Female led relationships' started by tiffiny, Nov 20, 2009.

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  1. tiffiny
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    tiffiny Senior Member

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    Ok...Ms Linda and I are now home from the gathering and spending a week with Mistress Michelle and Pet. Aside from the many hours on the road both there and back, the past two weeks have brought sooo many things to light for me in MY understanding of myself.
    The frustration and questions that have consumed me for these past 40'ish years of my life i feel have been answered for the most part. I have struggled within myself for the past 10 years or so in trying to bring out into words to Ms Linda just what it/they are that brings me joy. To a place where I so long/ed to be.
    Let me take you back to when Her and I first met/talked.
    I placed an ad in the paper almost 20 years ago. I had a few replies, met a few Women. Then one day i receive this letter in the mail. Aside from all it said, It said "if your interested, call me." and She had Her phone number. After some " should I, shouldn't I." talk in my head, I called Her.. No answer.. I left a message saying something like "i tried, now if Your interested, call me." and hung up..
    I know at least a day went by with no call. My mind says so be it. Then one day the phone rings and SHE is on the other end. I can not discribe the feelings I was having at that point. But yet,there She was,, on the phone with ME... From the very first word out of Her mouth this strange feeling came over me unlike any I have felt before.
    Now there is "love". But THIS feeling went WAY beyond that.. I have heard of "soul mate" before. But until I heard Her voice, I assumed it was just a phrase..
    Well. That was almost 20 years ago. and to this day I KNOW She truly IS my soul mate. She would have to be in order to put up with what I have put Her through these past 12 to 15 years. I have pushed Her to the brink of wanting to move on. But,, Yet,, Here She is.. I swear, as God as my witness, there is NO stronger woman on this planet.. Over the years, I have pushed and prodded Her into DOING as I wanted. I have added and added "things" I want. It had gotten to the point that no matter what She did or tried to do, it was never enough for me. And the fighting became worse and worse.. To the point of breaking us up. for real..
    Understand,,, I know with Her being my soul mate the odds in us parting our own ways were slim. So it comes down to how we choose to remain together. fighting on almost a daily basis, or come up with a way to mend what we have. I have tried to get Her to understand me. And She trying to find ways for me to understand Her.. But,, no matter what I or She said or did, nothing came to light..
    So,,, in Her seeing the "fall gathering", She had decided to attend. Now I do not remember if She and Mistress Michelle were in contact with each other before this time or not. I believe so though.. But, Ms. Linda and I figured this would be a good way for her to get a better understanding of what it was that I was looking for. And for Her to learn in ways from others.
    As it went, over the course of time, I too would be going.. Then not going. Then going.. There was a time there for awhile I did not know if my ass was drilled or punched. I would play one of my "games" on Ms Linda and She would not "bite". And in Her not biting, it would piss me off and send me into somewhat of a rage. As with a lot of things in all of my wantings, Ms Linda would lose Her Mind in trying to understand me. In trying to please me.
    For me, this all HAD TO BE forced on me. I had to have it done in a way that gave me no choice in what was to happen. For me, there WAS no other way.. It all HAD TO BE REAL.. Real force.. beaten down with no way out.. To me there could be no other way. I wound up putting our marriage in a state of complete disarray. We had come to the point of a total melt down in our marriage. Ms Linda had tried all She could muster in doing what I I I wanted. {and for that my love,, i AM SO SORRY for what I have put You through these past ten years or so..}
    So now let us move to the time of about a month or so before the gathering...
    As it went, Ms Linda at some point in Her chats with Mistress Michelle asked what Her thoughts were in dealing with me. '[i think..] And then in time I had started to chat with Mistress Michelle and had said MANY things to Her that I now feel ashamed about. I even went as far as to tell MM that if "it/they" did not happen "this way, or that way" I would be pissed.. [You want to talk about feeling like a TOTAL ASS now...??] I did not know what Mistress Michelle said about me until I "cheated" and went into the I.M. history and read many conversations that Ms Linda and Mistress Michelle had over the course of the summer. [And for doing that Ms Linda and Mistress Michelle,,, I CAN NEVER APOLOGIZE enough.. THAT will never happen again. You both have my word on that..]
    Given some of what was said about me in the history files from both ends, I all but gave up in attending the gathering.. I mean,, How could I face Mistress Michelle ?? Given that in the past I called Her a "fake" ?? Shit.. I consider myself VERY LUCKY that She even allowed me to attend the gathering. From the very first time I saw Her on that "other site", I knew here was AND IS a very special Woman.
    It was not long after I was chatting with MM, that I also started to chat with Pet. Now here is a man that has a way with words. He seemed to have a good understanding of what was going on in my head. I knew he had to know what he was talking about. I mean the guy is a Packer fan.. That in it self says alot..lol He just has this way of making you feel right at home in just talking to him. I don't know how many times he told me to "just listen to that little voice in your head." wise i'm telling you. Wise.. Thanks Pet..
    So now we move to the trip to VA. for the gathering and to meet MM and pet. From the very first moment W/we met them, they both greeted us with open arms. We both felt as though we had known these people for years. Even though the drive there was long, something said it would be worth it.. And trust me,,,, IT WAS..
    As I have said, the "main" reason for this trip was in our/my hopes that Ms Linda and I could find a way/ways to get back on track with our marraige.
    Me,, "thinking" I knew just what i "needed" and what it would take to get me there. {what a dumb ass I was..] And Ms Linda hoping to learn from others what it was that I was looking for and what it would take.
    The first day of the gathering went well. But along came Saturday.. As it went, Little Pet was strapped onto the bench. And Mistress Michelle opened up on him like I have never before seen done to someone. I could not imagine myself having to go through what I [thought] i wanted,, needed done to me. Even though I was not the one on the bench, i FELT each blow little pet was given. I felt his pain as though it was my own.. I all but lost it at that point and had to leave the room... It was at THAT POINT that i realized that everything that I wanted,needed done to me did NOT have to be FORCED on me. Why what was happening to him made that change in me i do not know. All I do know is at that point, something "flipped" in my head and SOOOOOOOOOOO much became so clear to me.. I was at a loss for words and emotion for the better part of the gathering from then on. Not in a bad way, but I had come to see things in a much different way. It took me the rest of Saturday and the better part of Sunday to "refocus" my thoughts. And once I had reorganized my "wants and needs" , things just seemed to flow much smoother. For me and Ms Linda.
    What I am now feeling has very little to do with "me," and is now far more focused on Ms Linda's and my needs. On OUR needs.. The thoughts and idea's that all this HAS TO BE about what I need are GONE.. I have come to see that in order for "me" to get what I want, what Ms Linda wants has to come first and foremost..
    As it went, the gathering ended and we stayed with Mistress Michelle and pet for another week. In hopes that Ms Linda and I could come away in ways that would strengthen our marriage even further. One of the biggest problems Her and I faced over the years was in my trying to get her to understand just what I was looking to get out of a "beating".
    As it went, in one of our "sessions", MM had me on the bench and was beating away on me in a way that for me, was too hard. Now... I knew that I have been trying to relate to Ms Linda for over 10 years in just what I "needed" in this. And given the fact that I knew MM would DO as She pleased to me I did not want to go into a "rage" and ruin it for everyone.. At what seemed to be the last moment, it hit me,,, "guide Her along the way"..HOLY SHIT!!! HOLY SHIT!! and JUST LIKE THAT, I/we had found a way that I could help Ms Linda into SEEING, FEELING where I/we WANTED to go over the past years.. I mean to the point of letting Her know how hard, where, and how often to "hit" the mark..
    This break through in itself has and will become a huge part in our lives until Ms Linda "gets the feel" of "me" and Her.. I am confident that in a short time that Ms Linda will HAVE a good hold on the total control over me in both body and mind..
    I can not tell you how LUCKY and blessed I AM to have a wife and Mistress that did NOT give up on me or our marriage. For Her to have put up with me for so many years as I was,places Her on the top of the world as far as I am concerned. For She IS MY WORLD.. I can only pray She now lets me show Her just HOW MUCH She truly means to me.
    And Mistress Michelle and pet,,,,??? I know You two may be getting sick of hearing this,,,, but,,, The two of You can never fully understand what it is that you gave back to Ms Linda and I. Right from the chats, to the gathering, right on through the week we spent with the two of you. words can not discribe the feelings we have for the both of you. but trust me when I say,,,, the tears are that of joy..happiness.. and gratitude in ALL that the two of you have given U/us.. W/we love the both of you very much.. Thank You both..

    [Ms] Linda,,,, You are my life.. You have put up with my being an asshole for so many years.. You would not leave me alone in my needs. You my love stood beside me even in the darkest of times.. I can NEVER repay You for what You have done for me over the years.. I can only move forward and show You what You truly mean to me.. Thank You Maam, from the very bottom of my being.. thank You..

    Love,,
    tiff
     
  2. disciplinedpet
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    Well i have to say as i am fighting back the tears from this heart felt post, that the Gathering was very good . I can only hope that others learned some things that will help. Tiff you are some thing to open up like this & see that "the light bulb" went off for you. By you being able to let Miss Linda know just how , where , how hard ETC. We didn't come w/instructions, especially in this life style! This comminication back & forth in whatever each of us desires in this lifestyle is of THE UTMOST IMPORTANCE ! Number 1 for things to continue & grow. To find the likes & dislikes to make it a special bond between your Mistress, granted some of the dislikes will be used for amusement or punishment ! But it takes alot of work to 'figure out' things between some. Other have their own ways. Just my opinion, thanks Tiff & Miss Linda . Your friend ,disciplinedpet:love0014::anim_37:
     
  3. S&S_MISTRESS's boy toy
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    tiffany, I am very happy for you and Ms Linda that you were able to have this very important, eye opening experience, and that you took the time to share it with others.

    Good luck to both of you !!
     
  4. forevermore
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    forevermore Member

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    tiff,

    I am speechless. Thank you for sharing such a special and private moment. I cannot tell you how happy that I am knowing the weekend had such a profound affect on you. I know we talked several times privately during the party and discussed many deep topics. Having attended MM first gathering last year, I knew full well how the emotional highs from the party are hard to carry forward afterwards. Which is why I am so, so happy to read your post and to know that you are taking what you and Ms Linda learned and experienced and are using them going forward.

    For me, meeting both you and Ms. Linda was truly a treat for me that weekend. I only wished I could have been around for the after party. Keep the faith and keep an open mind and enjoy the journey, where ever it takes you.

    little pet
     
  5. tomf_22033
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    tomf_22033 Active member

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    tiff,

    Those that know me, know that I am not one usually at a loss for words. But this is an exception and it took me a bit to come up with what to say. I guess I can only say a few things that I hope mean something to you and Ms. Linda.

    Your post clearly shows your love for Ms. Linda. It also seems to me that you are struggling to find peace in yourself with what you want and who you are. Now, please don't take it the wrong way, as I've yet to meet anyone who doesn't go through this. Just some aren't willing to admit it! So kudos to you for posting. Anyway, if I can offer one thing about this is to not be afraid to talk about how you feel with Ms. Linda, MM, pet, little pet, or any of your friends who have "been there/done that". Be true to yourself and enjoy the special relationship that you have.

    As for MM and pet, all I can say is that one doesn't have to search this site very hard to find people feel about them, and why they are so loved and adored. They are truly very special people and those of us who have been blessed with having the honor of meeting them and becoming their friends are very lucky.

    Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is enjoy your journey, live your life to the fullest and know that you have some great folks who are your friends (even if you drive a Dodge! ;-) j/k)

    Tom
     
  6. susie q
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    susie q Dear friend of the Mistress Michelle clan

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    Dang tiffany that was wonderful ..had me bawling ...but i thank you for sharing as it cleared up alot that i wondered about from a previuos post you had made about MM and pet really helping/saving your marrige had no idea there was a problem and as usual its none of my buisness.I missed a great gathering and a chance to meet you both and it still bothers me but moving on and im sure we will get another chance ..thanks for sharing that heart felt post and im so happy that things are better for you both :happy0158:
     
  7. Mistress Watchful
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    Mistress Watchful Dont believe the hype ;oP

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    :love:

    That was beautiful tiff.

    :love0059:
     
  8. Mistress Michelle
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    Mistress Michelle Magical Mistress

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    tiff, this post is beautiful. Its hard to believe how much you have changed over the person I was chatting so much with before the party. From all the discussions and chats we had and the ones I had with Linda, it just seemed you were so angry for some reason, you needed so much and frankly I was afraid you were going to not get out of the party what you wanted. Now as it turns out, what you thought you Wanted was completly opposite of what you Needed. I am extremly happy that I was there to witness this transformation from Pat, (the Its My way or no way), into tiff, the careing sweet one who understands now how wonderful submission can actually be.
    I have said this many times before, it is VERY difficult for a Woman, even a Mistress to do the things Her partner wants, or even begs for. It takes an open communication and alot of work! It dosent come natural all the time. Linda and you have a long life and history together, you will continue to have to work on this, to practice what you both need, but as long as you are open, honest, careing, and commited to pleasing Her, you will reap the benifit.
    Make Her comfortable in every request, listen to Her concerns, be understanding and work together to come to a mutual place where Both of you are comfortable and it will work everytime. If She feels threatened, or uncomfortable with something talk about it and come up with a compromise.
    I and pet are extremly lucky to have met the two of you and to have had you here for a week after the party. We enjoyed you being here and cant wait to see the two of you again. I have a deep connection with Ms Linda, and I never want to loose that. Hopefully we will meet agin in the spring, I just cant wait for that 20 hour drive up there!!! LMAO

    Take care tiff, and listen to the voice as pet has told you, you'll be amazed how smart that voice can be when you listen!

    Mistress Michelle :sex020:
     
  9. Ms.Linda
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    Ms.Linda No longer a member

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    tiff-

    I wanted to wait a couple days, read this again, and process all it said before responding. you and I have been through O/our own personal
    hell over the past few years. There have been times when it would have been so easy to simply walk away and not look back. Yet, neither
    of U/us did. you are so fond of the phrase, "everything happens for a reason". Well, maybe this was O/our reason. As you have said, W/we
    can't go back and change the past and can only go forward from here. Let U/us take that journey, My love, hand in hand, side by side and
    not look back.

    you are the reason I am who I am. I love you with all My heart and soul.

    Ms. Linda (your wife, your soul-mate)
     
  10. Rachel
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    Rachel Owned by Mistress Michelle

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    tiff what a wonderful post this is. i am happy for both Ms Linda and you. i would like to thank you both once more because while all this was transpiring you found time to help a confused sissy. tiff for you to take that time for me was very nice of you and something i surely didn't expect. You are a SPECIAL person.

    rachel
     
  11. tiffiny
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    tiffiny Senior Member

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    I thank all of for your concerns and ideas. I/we know this journey will have it's ups and downs along the way. And when W/we run into a "road block," I/we are sure with the help of all the friends we have made along the way we will find a way to get around it/them.
    I am very confidant [even though there will be "bumps" in the road,] that Ms Linda and I will be/ARE far better off in this new road W/we have chosen. We have already hit a bump or two. But through U/us talking, the "road rage" is not there.. THAT in it self is a huge step.. Sloooooow an steady.... will win this race...

    PS.. And Rachel,,, Those talk's helped me too..

    Thank you all.
    tiff
     
  12. chaste777
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    chaste777 chaste777

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    Good luck on your journey into permanent chastity. I am extremely jealous!

    I am only wearing a CB-6000 and am now keyholded by Mistress Lucy (LittleLucyMK). However, I'd be more than happy if Mistress Lucy wants to keep my keys permanently! Mistress Lucy knows I want to be permanently chaste and permanently orgasm denied. :confused0068: I will not complain if she decides to keep my padlock keys permanently.
     
  13. chaste777
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    chaste777 chaste777

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    Please let us know when you use the cut off screws and become permanently chaste! You lucky person, you!
     
  14. tiffiny
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    tiffiny Senior Member

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    Well chaste777,,, As I have said,, the idea that all that WAS to happen was ALL about what I wanted. Now it is and shall remain, "This" is no longer JUST about what I want. So,,,, given that Ms Linda was not to keen on this BEING permanent, I do not know where THAT aspect in O/our journey lays now. Hell, given what has happened these past three weeks, I don't know if being permanently chastised is what I want now.. MANY things have come to light with the gathering and the time W/we spent with MM and pet.. I will never again see any of "this" as a "what i want/need". The way everything IS being seen by me now is what WE want...
    I'm not saying that my being placed in permanent chastity is NO MORE,,,, but what i am saying is that will be OUR decision. Not just mine..

    tiff.
     
  15. chaste777
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    chaste777 chaste777

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    I am pleased to hear it -mutual consent! Consensual being one of the three golden rules of kink.

    Good luck with whatever you choose to do. I am still a little envious of that silver tube and the thought of screws being fixed to it! If only that were me!
     
  16. RubberDuckDK
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    RubberDuckDK Mistress slave

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    I am happy for you both

    Tiffiny: I am new to this forum and don't really know anyone here. Thus I try to be humble and open when I become spectator to a "work in progress" as your journey apparently is.

    I was moved by your entry and recognize many of the mechanisms that you describe. It made me think. I don't know you so I will not try to be wise on your behalf, but I do know the feeling of having needs that makes other peoples needs appear less important and it's a horrible way to live.

    Mistress and I practice SM or whatever it is called and when we met a few years back, it was -among other things- a question of needs. We knew that we had (and have) a deep connection, but SM and its border transgressions was our point of departure and a source of exploration of each other. We reached a point where we questioned this approach -it appeared futile- and continued our search. We stumbled upon chastity after years of having it in the back of our minds. I hesitated.. Properly because of the potential ultimate lack of control over my sexual desires, but (or because of that) it now appears to be the last part of our journey. "The last part" because it is not about my desires anymore. It was -in my fantasy- my desire to be locked up but now that it is actually real, I don't really have a choice anymore. My desires are controlled by my mistress and due to the mindset the belt induces, it is now her desires that dominates in my mind. The tail does not wag the dog anymore..

    Well.. I'm just saying that discovering the aspect of a relationship where her needs become prominent and tangled together with mine is something that not many people experience. SM -or relationships in general- are not about meeting each others needs but about not knowing the difference.

    It makes me feel happy to hear about your experience and I truly hope that you and your mistress have found a way to move forward. Chastity or not.. The insight you gained is what I wish for us all.
     
  17. tiffiny
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    tiffiny Senior Member

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    RubberDuckDK..
    WOW.... I am so glad to hear from someone that WAS as I WAS..
    And you are right in what you say. This lifestyle is a whole lot better when one figures it out that when BOTH parties are accounted for, things become so much healthier for both parties instead of a want for one self..
    Thank you for your input.

    tiff
     
  18. RubberDuckDK
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    RubberDuckDK Mistress slave

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    Tiff: You are welcome. Thanks for sharing.
     
  19. disciplinedpet
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    :EM_Kung_Fu_Panda004 Isn;t it amazing when you communicate to your Mistress/ wife in a way that is not threatning what can happen!:happy0187: Things just seem to work on another level that is hard to explain, but has such amazing results ( that both parties tend to want that cigarette) afterwards! lol ;) Congrats to all that have read Tiff's break thru & have been able to make their own !:jumping0045: Keep up the work in this llife style, As even in the vanilla world things there needs to be communication! Later ,disciplined pet:anim_37::character0114:
     
  20. Ritabir
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    Ritabir Owner of riki

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    life altering

    tiff and everybody else..
    tiff, thank you for sharing this revelation of yours..you said quite well what many folks go through in relationships and you are truly blessed that Mistress Linda has put up with you and all the other voices roaming around your head trying to detroy the love the two of you have.
    She is your wife, lover and mistress and I am glad you have had this ah ha moment---this post should be put in your pretty underwear drawer and revewed on a regular basis.
    riki and I go through times of doubt and questioning but we always remember the love we have. We are conrades in our journies and journey.
    I am sure it is the same for MM and pet.
    Love to everyone...u all deserve it
    Rob:love0075:
     
  21. riki1
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    riki1 owned by Wife

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    tiff, thank you for your heartfelt words.

    tiff, thank you for your heartfelt words. When i first met pet he told me right off that he and Mistress Michelle had at one time come to a place in their relationship where neither was sure where it was going (this was before they became Mistress and pet). pet said they had a sit down in which he opened his heart and spilled his desires to serve and Mistress Michelle did the same. . . that was just the beginning of many, many hours and days of honest talk and emotion. When pet told the story i could still feel the depth and emotion alive and active in him.

    It seems to me all loving relationships are built on this foundation. It isn't about negotiating a good deal and it isn't even about asking someone to meet your needs, its about building trust and safety IMO.

    Mistress Rob knows about my desires and needs, she knows about my guilt and occasional depression, she knows about my struggles to accept who i am and the self-loathing i've had to overcome to get there. She has held my darkest secrets and i have in return held hers . . . her doubts about herself, her struggles to accept who she is, and so on. (We also know lots about the light and funny parts of each other too!)

    We met 10 years ago and tried to act out the trappings of a Femdom relationship, but it was only after we came to accept and trust what each offered that we really blossomed. Mistress Rob wants me to be who i really am and i want her to be her true self. i still have all my fantasies and wish lists and 'needs', but i've found they are a distraction. i've found my job is to help Mistress Rob become what she desires and Mistress Rob has the same agenda for me. We each want the other to be who they really are. (BTW, we've even reassured each other that if one of us realized this wasn't the path for us we'd support the other in that too. . .)

    i don't want to paint some perfect picture here, we struggle, but we talk a lot too, and i think we've discovered an important truth: once you fully trust another there's no real need to worry about getting your needs met, there's no need to make demands, everything will be ok, you get what you need.

    Youre safe and loved, everything else is gravy and there's lots and lots of gravy!

    i really enjoyed my time with both you tiff and Mistress Linda, and i am so happy you both have found a new beginning. Congratulations!
     
  22. chastityslavejohn
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    chastityslavejohn Mistress Irianna's pet

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    wow, well said riki 1. Mistress and i are soulmates. W/we are very lucky...as Y/you are.
     
  23. tiffiny
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    tiffiny Senior Member

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    Well. I find it a bit funny that so many replied to this post TODAY... it just so happens that I have "lost my way" in O/our journey yesterday. And at the time of this posting,,, things are no better.
    As things went over the past couple weeks, I felt a bit alone in what I was trying my damnedest to get comfortable in "being." Hints were given, but not seen.. My fault?? Her fault?? Our fault?? Lesson learned..

    tiff
     
  24. forevermore
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    forevermore Member

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    tiff,

    When in doubt, BREATHE, pause, and then listen to the little voice. I do hope you are able to think back a few weeks and envision all that you expereinced and learned while away, and then use that as your goal to where you want to go. I hope you are able to gathering things back together.

    lp
     
  25. Rachel
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    Rachel Owned by Mistress Michelle

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    tiff we all have our moments. When i have one it makes me think how NICE it was before, how much i miss it and what can i do to get it back. At the Gathering and MM's house after i saw a happy tiff but what i saw too was a happy Ms Linda and shouldn't that alone make you happy. Ms Linda loves you i know that for a fact she will forgive you so don't stay gone from her too long. Wasn't it a better feeling for you being happy then being pissy, for lack of a better term, tiffy. You were so kind to everyone and seemed to be truly happy. Try with all your might to get back there and you WILL succede.
    Took me a long time but what i have learned is if you have a problem talk to Mistress first. Most times you will find you really don't have a problem you just think you do. Remember all the advice you gave me and heed it my friend.

    your friend
    rachel
     
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