I'm so fucking horny today. I don't know the last time I had an orgasm- a couple weeks to a month. At the beginning of February I had a really tough therapy session around the topic of sex and kink, and suddenly everything to do with being horny made me want to cry. I couldn't read smut, I couldn't watch porn, and I sure as shit couldn't domme anyone. I think I had one or two orgasms after that, and way more attempts. I'd start out in a great mood, but after a while I would get so sad and anxious. I've always had a lot of anxiety around orgasms, and it's gotten worse as I've gotten older. My mental health meds make it even harder to come. It takes forever, and that's a long time to try to keep Feelings at bay. Trying to have orgasms makes me sad, but being turned on makes me happy. I'm hoping that if I make a game of it for myself, I'll find the fun in being a domme again.
I had a wonderful online session with my favorite sub last night. I felt a little desperate, and my domme powers were back in full force. It felt incredible. I kind of want to cry thinking about it. He hadn't fully cum in weeks because a. My mental health has been sucking and b. We kept missing each other on kik. He came online at the perfect time, and it felt like the internet equivalent of shoving him down, ripping his clothes off, and jerking him off roughly. I missed that connection and the soaring feeling of power that comes with it. The mental state of self denial is pretty cool. I didn't realize how much my own libido anxiety gnaws at me. I love being able to acknowledge and even revel in being turned on, but without the quagmire of intrusive or dark thoughts about orgasms. I mean, I'm absolutely still having a lot of intrusive thoughts. They just feel a lot less threatening. Like, it can be scary when there is a storm outside, but it's a lot less frightening if you know you won't have to open the door.
Woke up feeling so down on myself. I have been working on self love for years, but days like this make me realize what a thin veneer it is. I don't like looking in the mirror or inside my own head and hating what I see. A win: I was able to work (camming) for a couple hours! It's definitely been a relief to switch my focus from orgasm (complicated feelings) to edging (which I love). Weirdly, I love my body when it is on cam. I love watching myself. Maybe it just brings out the voyeur in me. In my personal life, I started talking to a new sub online. I enjoyed the first couple days, but I realized that it's pretty one sided in terms of effort and interest. So far he doesn't seem all that interested in me, only what I can give him (experience in femdom). We'll see how that shakes out. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Not high hopes that suddenly he'll be interested in pussy eating :/ I'm so lucky to be with my wife. We take care of each other. Just thinking about her reminds me that "no, your standards aren't too high, your needs aren't unreasonable. You're just a little picky" lol I'm the midst of it all, I fluctuate between thoroughly enjoying self denial, and wanting to cry. In some ways, it feels like I'm wasting time. Like when I die, I won't have had as many orgasms as I want
Had an orgasm last night and another one today. I had a wonderful sex sesh with my wife earlier, though I didn't try to have an o with her. I knew it would get in my head, so I let her know beforehand that we'd stop when I felt totally melted. That relieved so much of the pressure I put on myself to come quickly so we can be done lol. I feel weirdly reassured. Heading back into denial, it feels much more bright. Fuck and goddamn, turns out good orgasms are good for morale lol.
God I suck at self control. But to be fair to myself, I don't really have any motivation for self denial other than "sometimes orgasms make me sad". The subs I play with desperately want to be good. Even the brattiest ones want to be good for me, they just want me to work for it. It's easy to motivate them, I just say "I want it". Maybe add a little incentive... It all just comes down to figuring out what I care about. I need to find a way to reward myself that isn't just "I can do whatever I want". But like.....