3 Months and Still Slow

A lot of us have been in your shoes and I can tell you right off that you need to figure out what you want from chastity. I think for nearly all of us males Chastity starts with the desire of really kinky sex with our partners. We introduce it to them and things don't progress the way we want and we get discouraged and upset about it. However one key thing we often forget is that many of us promised our partners that chastity is going to be all about their pleasure. The most common mistake we men make is that we make chastity more about than we do our partner.

The other side that you need to watch out for is being pushy, there is nothing that's more of a turn off than a submissive trying to tell the domme what to do to them, also called topping from the bottom.

I started out the same way, thinking I was trading in masturbation for kinky sex and a 24/7 mistress. I kept thinking that any day now she was going to come out of her shell and be the mistress of my fantasies... I was dead wrong and the more I pushed and the more books I bought her were doing nothing but making me more frustrated.

Then I finally had an epiphany, I was trying to get her to do everything I wanted instead of what she wanted. In fact I don't think I ever even asked her what she wanted. She really likes Chastity but not all of the associated kink. Once I finally made it about her and stopped worrying that she doesn't really want to use a strap on on me among other things out D/s dynamic grew just a little. The more I submit the more confidence she feels in herself and appreciates that I am making this relationship about her. I would describe us as a vanilla couple with a little kink on the side.

As for you, 3 months is a drop in the bucket when starting this type of relationship. We've all read the crazy stories about how some couples just immerse themselves into the lifestyle but believe me it's not as common as you think. The grass always looks greener but a lot of times other factors are at play when you read others couples blogs and how kinky and crazy they get. In sones cases they are already into the kinky shit and just happened to add a chastity device to their play. My Ms and I are 3 years in and like you I thought we'd be much further a long at this point. But that begs the question of from who's point of view are you further along, from yours or hers?

If you really want this lifestyle to become anything close to what you hoped then you need to truly make it all about her. Sure you can ask for things or make suggestions but don't pester and whine when she doesn't want to do what you want to do. The best advice o ever received in regards to encouraging your domme to grow is PATIENCE!!!! I can't emphasize that enough and even when I thought I understood that I still was screwing up big time.

Save yourself a lot of angst and frustration, stop worrying about the kinky stuff andvwhst you want, make your wife feel like the queen she is and let the rest fall into place. Things may never progress far beyond vanilla that's just how some people are. If you enjoy what you have right now then you should encourage it with your obedience and let things happen for her by her seeing changes in you. Trust me not one of us is perfect and other people are incredibly lucky with what their keyholders do but the majority of us start out just like you.

 

I forgot to add, if she's interested in you finding her a book to learn more about the lifestyle my two suggestions are typically "Male Chastity" by Lucy Fairbourne or if you check out this link Mistress Jules has written several books and although I havent read all of them, from what I have read, her writing is down to earth and realistic http://mjkhscotland.co.uk/books-written-by-mistress-jules/

I have read quite a few other books on the subject and most are garbage. I'm sure some of them even written by males under the guise of a female mistresses.

And it's not necessarily that you need to "double down" on your efforts for her. You just need to show her and make her feel that she is your number one priority. Drop your expectations for the kind of sex you want and just go with the flow.

 

Keep it simple. She unlocks you when she wants and you don’t bring up FLR or any other kind of kink. Let her make the next move. Don’t bring up any tease and deny and don’t pout. She will eventually do some reading and go from there.

 

When I read your post @Vinsint I was going to give you some advice from my experience. Over the last few years. But than I read @Wonderwomanssub responce to your post and to say it simply "He Nailed It " Thanks Womdewomenssub you saved me a lot of typing.

When you hand the key over to someone else everything changes its no longer Just Your Dream or Kink its your Keyholders to. If you've built your relationship on Love,Trust and Commitment to each other than it'll work out in time. This is also a major change for her so be Patient.

 

I think the issue might be that you're making chastity *about* you. What does she want from it? Or at least, what can she get from it? Perhaps well before she'll tease you, she needs to feel confident in taking pleasure from you.

 

Thank you for this post. Being 1year into an FLR relationship and learning to control the reins .....slowly ...,it’s good to see I’m not alone and I’m not doing it completely wrong.

While I wish I could just go all in full force it’s judt not my nature and I tread water a little too long sometimes. I do snippets of new fun here and there but Hopefully in the future I’ll feel more comfortable and break out of my skin.

 

We are doing great honey, look back to the beginning and remember where we were. Remember my reactions toward our relationship and remember the resistance you had towards this lifestyle. I know it’s a slow process and yes it’s maddening sometimes but We have done some amazing work over the last year. We have to crawl before we walk and walk before we run.

 

Every time you think about something that excites you, write it down and make note of the time. When it happens the next day you must do something nice for her, if your issue continues, then state every time I think of this, I need to do "2" things for her for every infraction. Continue that cycle and once you start going days without doing it, then you can remove one from the cycle (presuming multiple actions per infraction).

You need to find reading material that supports women and makes her life better and help condition that your desire is for her betterment. When she asks if there is anything you can do, then you can talk to her and say there are things I am interested (kink wise), here they are can you review them and please think about them as they matter much to me. If cuckolding is one of them, and she states no you can also state fantasizes are what I desire and we implement some as long as you feel comfortable and I don't want any other person just you.

 

I’m curious if she would want to start with a more general book than Chastity? Maybe Female Lead Relationships in general?

 

I get essentially 2 things from this.
1) You are unhappy your wife is not indulging your desire for chastity in the ways you would like
2) You want to experience being a cuckold but you don't want to be a cuckold.


My advice is simple.
- Figure out what you actually want
- Talk to your wife about it
- Hopefully find some middle ground you'll both be happy with

While you're at it, why not try to find out what SHE wants, and do something for her!

 

I know from my experience, people who are aircraft mechanics, or aeronautical engineers, are very intelligent and can pay attention to detail better than most. Give Her the same time and attention you would to a Pratt & Whitney, GE, or Rolls Royce engine. It takes patience, time, and love. I'm sure you understand.

 

Sorry for the late reply, that sounds like a good idea too. There's no perfect formula for this so you have to experiment with your own recipe so to speak. Something I've also learned here is that you should enjoy the journey together versus searching for an overall end result.

 

It took my wife almost two years to become a good keyholder. On many occasions I would have to tell her that I felt locked up and forgotten about. I felt as chastity was just an excuse to not have sex with me anymore. Communications is crucial because while we feel the effects of chastity all the time, our keyholders are not thinking about it as much as we are or at all except for once or twice a week. I think it important to explain that chastity is not about not having sex but rather about having sex minus the orgasm for the man.

 

I reread this post today. It is brilliant and clear and should be required reading for all men in chastity. Great stuff @Wonderwomanssub.

 

Spot on. Brilliant. This should be engraved on a brass plaque over the headboard. My biggest fear is being locked-up and forgotten. No sex drive? No problem. Just lock him up and forget about it...

 

There are a lot of good parts to what I said but in a years time I wrote that there’s one edit I’d like to make. A lot of us drum on about “it’s all about her” including myself, especially this last year, but I have since changed my thinking to it being “all about the relationship through serving her”. The harder you try for her as well as to improve your relationship and take your own selfish ambitions out of the equation, the more your partner will respect and appreciate your efforts. It’s entirely up to your partner on how she decides to respond to your efforts or for that matter non efforts. Don’t expect changes overnight, this is like trying to grow a sensitive plant that requires care and nurturing as a seed. Then as it begins to sprout you both help shape it’s direction. Ultimately it’s our dommes that decide what the plant is going to be and how fast it will develop. All we can do as subs is politely give our input and help prune the plant through her guidance. A partner that truly loves you knows it can’t possibly only be about her. It’s fun to think that and even tease that scenario but anyone living in a successful relationship knows the relationship relies on both partners being content in their roles and each getting what they need. Coming full circle notice how I said getting what you need, not necessarily what you want.

I can’t say that I’ve gotten everything I’ve wanted out of this journey up to this point but there is still slot of road ahead and I wouldn’t trade this adventure with my wife for anything. Starting chastity and a FLR has helped me mature and look at life differently, even made me more patient.

The hardest part of chastity for beginners in my opinion is understanding that nothing is going to change overnight. We are now at year four which is hard to believe, I can’t say our kink has changed substantially but her attitude in regards to being my domme has grown a lot. We are now beginning to enter a period where the nights will be ours again and not consumed with homework, papers and exams. I’m excited to have more time with my queen but I know better than to have high hopes/expectations that our dynamic will massively change with this new found time.