1st time doing chastity as Alpha male...guidance please!

I would suggest putting the cage on and not saying anything. It sounds like she really enjoys the cage but does not want it to be the focus of your lives. Be extremely nice to her, maybe bring her flowers or something to make her feel special. Let her figure it out and do not make it a big deal. From what have read from your posts is that you sometimes come across as needy and that is a turn off for her. What really worked for me and is let her take it at her pace. Cuddle with her in bed tonight and she will know it is on but do not talk about it. Honestly I would try and limit the discussions as much as possible. She will know it is on but does not need to be reminded constantly. This is what worked for me and eventually she just said she wants it on all the time unless she wants sex. Good luck!

 

One additional thought, I think she needs to find her way and not have it be always about your fantasy. It sounds like you are telling her how and when to do it. Let her decide her way. It might not be exactly your fantasy but until she does it her way she is really not controlling your penis you are controlling her.

 

I am saying nothing of the intent or actions of the OP; I did not read through all 16 pages of this thread.

I posit that a good number of the denizens of this site are controlling their "dominant" partners. I include myself in that description. If it were up to my wife, chastity and orgasm control/denial would not be a feature of our marriage. I have asked something of her which precludes our arrangement as being wholly on-sided in her favor. I don't think complete and total submission and deference to one's partner is a sustainable model for most relationships.

I would advocate for a compromise whereby everybody gets something they want. In my case, that means my wife is agreeing to engage in this kink of mine and in exchange she gets something she wants. Ultimately, what she gets out of it (I hope) is worth (way) more than what she has to put in.

 

I think the two of you need to have a serious discussion about how chastity fits into your lives. It sounds like you need the control that a cage provides to curb your masturbation habit. It also sounds like she enjoys the power of you being caged - to a degree. It doesn’t sound like either of you want to chastity to preclude you from having a sexual relationship - and that’s okay. But to do so you both have to learn to be open and honest with each other In order to merge your desires and develop your respective roles as a couple that practices male chastity.

She needs to be told about the spare key. You’re either caged with your cock under her control, or you’re not. Having the ability to get out whenever you want is not being honest with her or you. She also needs to understand that it is now her cock, to use or ignore as she sees fit. If she wants to tease it, she can. If she wants to make love, she can. If she wants to give you a ruined orgasm and recage you, she can.

You need to understand that making a commitment like this isn’t a plot line in an erotic story. Being caged doesn’t make you a slave or cuckold automatically. It simply is a device to prevent masturbation and help you focus more of your energy on your partner rather than your hand.

She’s fortunate to have a partner that realizes his masturbation is affecting your relationship and is willing to be caged to get it under control. You’re fortunate to have a partner that finds chastity and control to be sexy. Now, you need to celebrate your mutual good fortunes in a way that works for both of you.

 

Joey,
You say you never felt more alive then when she was your key holder for three weeks. Why? Does she know that? Did she feel that way too? Why? These are all questions you both need to answer in order to move forward in a chastity lifestyle. Discuss what you both liked and what you both disliked and come to a consensus on what works in your relationship.

Thinking you’re doing enough to help while she thinks you’re not indicates a disagreement in expectations that needs to be resolved. Also know that constantly asking for relief is a turn off. Learn to deal with it.

 

The first thing you need to do is figure out what you want first. From what I see in your posts is sometimes you like the cage sometimes you are not into it and sometimes you unlock yourself and do not tell her. Where do you want it to go? This does not need to be a permanent decision but can evolve with time but at least get an idea. You also need to figure out what you want the relationship to be. It sounds like you know what works and what does not, is this something you want? The answer about the cage fixing anything is absolutely no! You need to talk this out in an open and honest conversation. You have to be honest with yourself and you need mutual agreement about what your relationship will look like and how you will proceed. The cage has been a huge improvement in my relationship to stop me from masturbating and pressuring my wife for sex when she was not in the mood. We discussed the issue and tried the cage until one day we were discussing things and she said if it was okay with me she would really like it if the cage was always on except when she wants sex. I agreed even though sometimes I wonder why and get frustrated but overall I know it is the right decision. I am not a caged slave, submissive and we have an amazing sex life but this was our mutual agreement. You need to figure out what is yours but first you have to be honest with yourself.

 

To answer your question I would highly recommend having a solid relationship first. Chastity can do some marvelous things, for sure, but IMHO it is not a tool to fix a problem relationship.

 

That’s the thing about communication. You can’t be afraid to be open and honest about your inner most desires especially if you want your fiancée to take the lead. She can’t read your mind just as you can’t read hers.

Talk about what both of you liked and didn’t like about your experience with chastity. Do both of you want to play with it occasionally or full time. How will it effect your relationship good and bad. Etc...

If you’re afraid to be honest then you can understand how she must feel.

 

I totally agree with Open2njoy said and would add that you want this to be a benefit to your fiancée. From some of your previous posts it sounded like it was becoming a chore. Present this as something you want to make the relationship stronger and make sure you let her know your feelings towards her. If she agrees discuss boundaries. Also discuss this situation is something you will both be learning and developing. Make sure she feels comfortable letting you know that you are becoming needy or things are not working. It is easier to modify along the way instead of waiting until a full blown argument. If you focus on her first and be honest about how you feel caged make your goal being that she will try.

 

Expect long journey. Nobody pointed (yet?), but you simply do not have any experience of being locked for one month or even longer. All I read was few days in cage and being hornier and hornier. Yes this is toy 'for the fun' and works as expected. But the real play begins after ~2 weeks. The feelings are not like you have now. So aim for 2-3 weeks at least, without pushing her in any way. And expect your mind (& mindset) will explode

 

You both need to sit down and make a chore list.

You are now a father to a child and you need to help raise that child.

Your chores list must increase to include the care of that child as well as your Queen.

This is a team effort.

My list for a typical day when I get home from work:
-Clean up from their (wife and child) breakfast. Their Mornings are usually crazy.
-Pick up child
-Snack time
-Panio lesson
-Reading lessons
-Wife arrives home from work, so I wash her work scrubs
-Dinner, includes cooking and serving it.
-Ensure the lunch box is clean and ready for the next day
-Water bottles are chilled, filled and ready to go for the next day
-Masks for school/summer camp are cleaned ironed and ready to go.
-Dishes, cooking pans cleaned, put away or into the dishwasher
-My water bottles cleaned, filled and chilled.
-My thermos is clean and drying
-Help pick out cloths for the little ones next day as well as PJs.
-Shower time for the little one.
-Toothbrush time
-Ensure the doors are locked for the night
-Outside lights on
-Blinds closed

Then my Wife takes over and gets the little one to sleep.

Then I get ready for bed.

This is all done daily.

This is helping out.
This is the level of commitment that is needed to run a household and raise a child.

I chose these tasks because I work early in the morning, I start work at 3am, and I get home before everyone around noon.

My Wife gets the kiddo up, dressed, fed, makes and packs the lunches and off to school/summer camp and work. I pick up, feed and care for the little one until my Wife takes over. Then I ensure they have everything they need for the next morning to go as smoothly (as it can) for them.

These are the type of things you need to do to help out.

Are you doing any of this?

Ask her what chores you can take away from her and then not only complete them but do them better than she ever did.


Iso.

 

Now you are starting to get it.

You want to do what ever you can to make her life less stressful.

You are becoming the Knight she needs.

You are correct in letting her come to you. You are showing with your actions that you want your lives together to be as a team.

Because you are not just keeping your home running, you are not just keeping your Queen happy, you are both raising a child to become a self-sufficient human.

Keep it up.

You have made a good start and vastly improved on your previous behavior. But it is a start, so not take your foot off the gas. Put the peddle down and keep it there.

The life we lead is not for the weak or soft. The life we lead is hard but rewarding. Very rewarding.

What's more your child will see what you are doing and she will understand that you are taking care of her mommy and taking care of her. She will understand that you love them both. That level of trust you are building is how you become a Dad. Let me tell you first hand that being a Dad is the Best Job in the World.

Keep me updated as to how things are going and if you ever need help, shoot me a message.

Iso.

 

Instead of leading with your horniness, let her lead with hers. This can be challenging, extremely so, but it is the submissive mindset. You'll learn to turn it on and off and if you're truly a leader, an "alfa male", then this is a valuable skillset for leading others. You have to convince yourself that you don't run the show, the other person does. That even means not making assumptions about what he/she wants.

 

Yeah, sometimes you just gotta say, "chill out dude," and realize that it's not the end of the world. Don't askl what your wife wants but rather how things are goin. Can you help? No worries if not. Just be nice and show your desperate horniness when it's an adult time to share it.

 

The sooner that this is about your wife, as a grown adult with responsibilities and stressors like anyone else, the easier it will be for you to accept that, hey, you don't have control over your orgasms anymore.

 

I think that is a great but she might get a little overwhelmed or it might become a little too much for her. Look for signs that it might be overwhelming her and adjust if necessary. This might take a while because of the past situation that she thinks the new behavior is very temporary, hope it continues and works for you both.

 

Hey Joey just wanna preface this by saying its been a blast to read your story and you're a total inspiration.

Should also mention I'm not locked nor plan to be any time soon.

I also struggle with similar relationship issues. I am the breadwinner of my household, my girl is taking time to work on her mental health and I'm happy to support her. She naturally does the majority of the house work since she isn't working, and we've agreed that's fair. But she still does expect me to help her when she needs it, just like i ask for her help sometimes, and there are duties i am responsible for aswell. And that's all okay. I've noticed almost all the issues I've ever had relationship-wise stem from 1 critical thing: lack of communication.

What I'm trying to get at is you may never completely fix the problems you are having, but if you are honest with eachother and both put fourth effort you will find an arrangement where you can make it work and be mutually happy.

Yes the chastity cage is a lot of fun, but I don't think its a silver bullet that will fix everything.
Being caged motivates you to do more around the house, and you enjoy her bossing you around while caged - I think that's great! - but relationship issues need to be addressed head on, not by using chastity as a bandaid solution.

I don't think that introducing and using chastity will ever be a problem or "ruin your relationship" but to ensure this you need to keep communicating with her.

You need to be able to sit down with her and ask her what she wants your relationship to be like. Ask her how she wants chastity to be like, ask her how you can improve.

It also looks like you're getting a better grasp of how to do this. My main advice is to never annoy her with chastity. No begging to get out, don't ask for release. You need to set expectations for teasing and release before you start playing with chastity, not while you play.

Hopefully my rambling helped, it looks like you're totally on the right track so just stick to it man!

Good luck!

 

Hey Joey G, last 2 days I have been following your progress, bumps and ups. In of your of your posta you were asking something along the lines of - do you think chastity dynamics is suitable only for relationships which are stable? In my opinion, as an alpha male, which has been womanizer for aome period of his life, relationships are like living animal. Even if you have tamed them several years ago, they are constantly changing. And even if you start chastity while your relationship is in stable period, it doesn't mean situation will remain stable. Chastity lifestyle in my opinion have one huge issue. In vanilla world, most women are easily seduced by confidence, bordering with arrogance(yet not too much, just a hint). By letting go of such sphere as your orgasms, the dynamic change, even if you are not a doormat, your keyholder/ partner get huge boost of confidence. I other words, your girl became more alpha. And when in one relationship two alpha met... there is a clash. So it ia much more difficult to remain mysterious and powerful in her eyes, while you lick her pussy in chastity... I mean she for sure would enjoy a tongue, but she also would desire the strong alpha, who came back home, and without a word pushes her against the wall and fucks her hard. Is speak about vanilla girls. So you are not sure if long-term chastity won't spoil the character of your woman? If she don't redirect her newly freed power and time in other activities (let's say study, sport, crafts) she will regress. Everyone who is not conquering challenges, soon or later regress. On the other hand you can still try to leverage your remaining power - let's say she does humiliate you, krepnyou in chastity and became more and more bossy - it seems the dynamic of the relationship is in her favor. However you can turn the tables and start plant in jer mind that she won't ever find such slave as you, and that even if she found another slave hr would be never be close to your level. That once other women found out how exciting is to boss over men, they will got crazy about having you. In a way you can try to hi t her, that even in chastity and humiliated, women still want you. And vanilla women are alwayy hot for committed guys, I'm sure you know it. I guess mist of users here will tell you - just go along with the flow. Yet juat waiting for good things to happen in relationship never works... you have to plant those good things. Make her to earn you in one or another way, girls do value things for which they have fight.