How to ask very vanilla wife my desire to be locked.

Discussion in 'Chastity and orgasm denial' started by ChasteAU, Mar 27, 2020.

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  1. ChasteAU
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    ChasteAU New member

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    Hi All,
    I’m married to a very vanilla wife and we haven’t had sex in quite sometime. I always have desired kink and chastity. Once I asked her to be dominant in the bedroom, sent her to a website on Femdom and she said she would never do those things to me. All talk of that ended. I’m interested to hear from woman here that have come from that place and now enjoying chastity play. How did your partner approach you when asking for chastity play? What process made you feel more comfortable?
    Many thanks,
    ChasteAU
     
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  2. Design is me
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    Design is me Long term member

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    I have a very vanilla wife and it has progressed very slowly. You have to show her the benefits of denying you from having orgasms. Have you tried that with her yet. After a few days you will do anything she says. Mostly cooking and cleaning and messages if she'll let you. Sounds very one sided and it is. That is why it benefits your wife.
    I have gone from my wife being revolted by the idea of a cage to being locked 24/7 starting this week. It has taken us two years to get to this point and we both benefit from the arrangement. I hope she let's me out this weekend.
     
  3. Blue00
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    Blue00 Member

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    From your post, it is clear that you followed the pathway that many men follow. Opening communication with your wife is fantastic. But why should she take yours or anyone’s word about the benefits?

    There are several ways people will tell you to get started. For me, the best way was to commit myself to being chaste whether she wanted to participate or not. At the start, I told her that I wanted to be a better husband for her. She didn’t even need to know what I was doing. After a few months, I asked her how things were going between us. After a few more months, I told her that I was committing myself to dedicating myself to her touches alone.after a few more months, I asked her if she wanted me to keep trying it for another 6 months. This time she said she did. She knows that at the end of six months she gets to choose if we continue with my chastity or not.

    Notice that I didn’t tell her what she should do or how we should do chastity together. This needs to be something done her way if you want her to stay interested. I’d be happy to recommend a book that illustrates this path if you are interested. However, keep in mind that you two are unique. What works for others may or may not work for you.

    Most importantly, have fun together on whatever path you choose to take
     
  4. chastity_longterm
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    chastity_longterm Long term member

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    For me..
    Try to masturbate often, then when she want sex...go ejaculate fast...then confes to her..you did masturbate often...
    And tell her..to help you control ur habit by locked u in chastity
    Done

    But remember when u locked and get released..be good in bed,i mean i can piv sex for 1 hour till she orgasm...
     
  5. LockedPom
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    LockedPom Long term member

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    Take things very slowly, communicate, and try not come across as self obsessed. (Or find another wife).
     
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  6. elias
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    elias 7/7 on the TomAllen-Rectrix scale

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    Do you want to develop "just a play" or a "serious lifestyle change"? When the second option is your choice, then start to give up part of your own freedom first and abandon masturbation, watching porn etc. In return, re-direct all that "left over" energy to your better half. The result could be amazing….

    Most likely, the beginning of chastity is for most of our partners "shocking". Many times, we are "educated" by reading bunch loads about it on the web, before we open the discussion about it. However, for our partners this will be all new and they might be "laps behind" and therefore lacking proper information. Having a confrontation about "a cage and handing over keys" at the beginning, is therefore in most cases a bad alternative.

    I have learned my lesson by approaching slowly, a lot of communication and - most importantly - in between treat my Love as a Queen. This allowed her to "learn" about my changed behaviour, where at the same time she adopted herself to what she considered comfortable. However, the entire process remains delicate and requires a lot of balancing and patience all the time. There is no general recipe to follow.

    Some of our success milestones to share are:
    • I started to give up my habits for masturbation and watching porn, whereas at the same time I asked my Love to take over full control of my future releases. I explained her that my proposal to proceed with "this formula", was to improve our relation and intimacy. She decided to give this a try.
    • Asking her to take over the control of my releases, developed "naturally" her T&D skills. She enjoyed this a lot. At the same time my denialed releases were automatically converted into energy to treat her like a Queen (a.o. I became a specialist in foot pampering massages).
    • An important step was taken by her idea to denial my releases once for a period of 4 months. During this period, she became a "world leader in T&D" and learned at the same time about ruining my releases. She became more comfortable during this period in taking over "the lead" and started gradually to explore her natural dominancy.
    • Spot on after 4 months, she brought me a release. After this, I was experiencing a "mood swing" like never before. She disliked my behaviour afterwards so much, that she decided not to accept this ever again. After bringing her some "scientific background" about mood swings (thanks to my fellows here), she decided that from that moment on I will have minimum of releases. After a granted release, she will also take immediate measures to reduce the effect of my mood swing by puttingon my cage.
    • So, after allowing me a release a few weeks ago, she put on my cage a few minutes after the release. At the same time, she asked me if I am still looking forward to becoming released. My answer was that I think I lost my desire to ejaculate, but more looking forward to a permanent denial. Honestly, that post orgasm drop experience was disliked much by both of us. Since that answer to her question, she keeps me locked 24/7, although she did not take the key out of my reach yet. Although I do not dare to use the key, I expect that taking them over will be the next step.
    Wishing you all the best!
     
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  7. Jessica Alexander
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    Jessica Alexander Trans woman not a mistress or Dom

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    Why haven’t you had sex in a while? Hard to go from no sex to kinky fun.
     
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  8. Nicoftime
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    Nicoftime The suspense is terrible...I hope it lasts

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    Many want to find a way to make their partner participate in a sexual manner, even if that participation is inaction. I saw my first device when I looked up sexless marriage in a search.

    I was immediately intrigued. She decides if we have sex, and her denying me ends up being an act of sex itself. She’s gotta like this right? She’s already not sleeping with me! Then, after awhile, she will eventually almost have to be sexual with me at school me point right?

    Well after some research and self awareness I came to terms that this isn’t something she would really enjoy, I wouldn’t trust her to do, and we don’t communicate enough to set in motion. I held on to the idea, but chastity is for couples in love and not for those with these issues.

    By all means, if you want to show her the benefits by example go for it. Ask yourself, you know her better than anyone, if her reaction was yuck no way, is that something she would ever willingly do?
     
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  9. madams-sissysub
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    agree with this! Apart from the find another wife part!
    Communication is key, and you could try to show that chastity dosnt have to be like the femdom stuff you showed her to begin with. There are many people here who are in a chastity relationship, but not femdom. Hope it all works out for you.
     
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  10. Jessica Alexander
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    Jessica Alexander Trans woman not a mistress or Dom

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    Keep it simple and don’t just dump a decade of fetish on her at one time. Start it out as a game where you lock up before sexy time and she keeps the key until she thinks you earned it. After she gets into that, make it a contest where they key is on the night stand and you have to do everything you can to excite each other until one of you reaches for the key. Loser cooks dinner, or cleans kitchen or something else that would appeal to her.

    Let things evolve into her keeping you locked 24/7.
     
  11. frankie teardrop
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    frankie teardrop Long term member

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    You could try, "Darling, would you mind if I try practising devotional tantric semen retention?" Makes it sound like something you've researched. So go research it!

    There's probably a lot of vanilla women out there who would be totally onboard with their partners learning how to hold back their orgasm for more than 3 minutes.

    Just ask. She's probably more intelligent than you anyway.
     
  12. b_quark
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    b_quark Long term member

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    Obviously, every person and every relationship is different, so I would never try to suggest this would work for everyone...

    When I first discussed chastity with my wife she said it did not interest her at all, and while I did continue to bring it up again from time to time I knew better than to push it too far or too often. Eventually, I decided to buy a cheap device on amazon (CB-6000s), and I did not initially tell her about it. My plan was to try it myself during the day while she was at work, figure out how to fit and wear it comfortably, find out how it actually felt wearing it, how it made me feel, etc.

    After some time I worked up the courage to wear it day and night while she was in the house and managed to do that for 2-3 days without her noticing the device. However, she did notice some changes in me. I spent more time with her, was more willing to do the things she wanted to do, gave her back and foot rubs and generally was more intimate and romantic with her. It sounds cliche, but the fact is that I masturbate A LOT when I'm left to my own devices, and that can have a very real impact on my intimacy and attentiveness. She could definitely see the difference, and she asked me about it. So I revealed that I had been wearing a chastity device, and I explained how it made me feel and how and why I thought it was changing me for the better. I asked if she wanted to see it, and she said yes, so I showed her the device and the little padlock. She asked where was the key, and so I went and got it, and, believe it or not, she took it from me and said she was going to keep it from that point on.
     
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  13. CagedBySocks
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    CagedBySocks Long term member

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    OP, my advice would be to ignore this dude. If you want to jerk off, jerk off, don't use wanking as a weapon though.
     
  14. CagedBySocks
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    CagedBySocks Long term member

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    Similar story to this guy, the difference being that she agreed to try it before I bought anything.
     
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  15. billzboats
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    billzboats 63rd birthday

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  16. frankie teardrop
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    frankie teardrop Long term member

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    @billzboats ... I couldn't have said it better myself.
     
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  17. Spades
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    Verified Female

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    I can relate to your wife's feelings. Follow what everyone says on here. It's good advice. Be open, honest and vulnerable. I'd let her know if she doesnt want to participate in chastity she doesnt have to. If you are self locking and focusing your energy on her. She will probably come around and you'll be pleasantly surprised. Good luck!!
     
  18. Seeken
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    Seeken New member

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    Communicate, openly and honestly.
    IMHO, without real communication, your chances are slim to none.
    If she is very Vanilla plan on going very slowly and with baby steps.

    I am just getting started here but the following is what I have done and so far I could not be more pleased.
    My wife and I have been married for > 30 years, all of it Vanilla and lately it just was not working for me.
    I had a pretty serious illness about 6 months ago and had to be very dependent on her during my recovery.
    I was fine with day to day stuff but someone had to be around in case of problems and was not able to drive.
    This meant she was essentially in charge of everything for a few months and I found I really loved her being in charge and being submissive to her.
    She was ve

    I started by doing more chores around the house and being more appreciative towards her.
    Coffee in bed and making breakfast for her on the weekends certainly helped.
    She loves flowers so one change was to get her fresh flowers every week and a half or so (when the old ones start wilting)
    After a few weeks we sat down and I told her I wanted us to make a change in our relationship.
    To ease into this, I started by asking how she felt about the last few weeks (she said was thrilled with the "new me") and I said I wanted make this the new normal.
    I explained I had been reading about FLR and some of the concepts I read about resonated with me so I wanted us to give it a try.
    I was terrified of having this conversation but I knew this is what I needed so there was really nothing to lose.

    I ordered some books / printed some articles on loving FLR since it is on the softer / Vanilla side.
    I asked her to read them when she had some time and then to ask me about what she read.
    This is another risky step because you don't want to push it on her.
    My wife was and still is more than uncomfortable with D/S so right I explained an FLR come in lots of flavors and we would make ours anything we wanted it to be.
    The following weekend I asked if she had any questions about FLR.
    She was a bit defensive and said she had been too busy to read anything.
    I said that I understood and asked her to read it when she had time.
    The following weekend I asked again and she said she had started,
    The third weekend I asked for another check in conversation.
    I asked her how she felt about our relationship over the last few weeks.
     
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  19. Blue00
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    Blue00 Member

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    Sounds like a lot of great work and progress with improving your relationship. My wife was not at all interested in any books or the opinions of others. She felt like she didn’t need to be taught what she liked or did in the relationship.

    Instead I stuck with the “I want to be a better husband” and “I love what we have together, but I know we could make things even stronger together.” Instead of giving her books on FLR, I focused on reading books that helped us communicate. I only told her what I was reading and what I discovered about myself. She then took her own interest in learning more. Building her interest worked much better in building her knowledge.
     
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