What is the difference between a sub and a people pleaser?

Good question! I still think that even now some women still feel it necessary to "run around" taking care of their bloke! My parents were definitely that way. In fact in later years my Dad was reminded that my Mum was not his slave and that we have the words, please and thank you in our language. Even Mrs Chaste has said to me as a wife it's her duty to "look after me". And a good job she does as well! Looking after me includes keeping me locked in chastity as orgasms are not good for me. FLR can take many forms. For some it's a D/S type of relationship but for most I think it very much depends on their own circumstances, wishes and fetish's. Subs and people pleasers? Well Subs surely whish to serve (for whatever reason). People pleasers, just don't like an argument!

 

I think there is a commonality between the two groups, as you can't really be a submissive without being a people pleaser. There definitely is the sexual component to being sub, but for me it is also a willingness to do and go beyond what I would normally find acceptable. As a submissive you willingly forfeit your right to refuse an order or request, unless it goes beyond boundaries you and the Master have previously agreed upon. It is that willingness to put all of you personal wishes aside to serve someone that takes a submissive to a level where most people pleasers would not go. If you get sexual pleasure from that service then it is a bonus, but you will serve no matter what.

 

That's a question I've made many times. Where is the border line among these groups? I think they (us) are the same but it depends about the environment where one word or other are used. I mean at public we are "pleasers" but at this site, for example, we are known as "subs". I said this because is like I feel. I don't expect nothing sexual from the other person, just I like to be pleasant and spend my time for others.

 

I agree with @MissyB that submissive is a subset of "people pleaser." The big difference to me is that a submissive generally needs an overt power dynamic with the person they are submitting to. That power dynamic can take many forms, many discussed elsewhere on CM.

I've heard about "stealth submission," but because there is no agreed-upon authority in force, it's a shadow of submission. I would consider that "people pleasing."

Women by natural default have a great deal of sexual power over men. Misogynists hate that fact. Submissives see that power as a potential opportunity for authority, and LOVE it. So there is a lot of co-mingling of sexuality and power dynamics with male submissives.

This brings up the difference between sexual submissives and service submissives. A sexual submissive is driven to experience feelings of submission in a sexual context. Many (not all) sexual submissives "top from the bottom," wanting the "dominant" to do specific things to stoke sexual fires. Service submissives get gratification (sexual and otherwise) from... well... service. The "reward" of the service submissive is the authority of the relationship and knowing they are pleasing the dominant.

Unfortunately, @L-u-c-y , many of the (particularly younger) submissives making these offers to serve you will change interests as soon as they are around you. They'll quickly tire of the work and start to make demands. It's rare to find someone who is moved to service and who keeps the OTHER person's desires in the forefront of their mind. The evidence for this is, unfortunately, quite extensive.

 

I have been pondering this question since I recently discovered I am a true service submissive.

For my wife, I have a deeply rooted desire to serve her. Whereas, I do like to occasionally please certain other people, I do it as a friend or for community service. It does not stem from the same desire as serving my wife.

When for various reasons (travel) I can’t serve my wife, I feel very disconnected. I don’t feel that for others.

I am still trying to figure this out and am very interested in other responses.

 

I would imagine there's not a hard and fast border between the two types; more of it being a smooth spectrum with a great deal of individual variation. Pleasers and subs may just be craving companionship; one sexualizes it (even if only in their mind) and the other probably doesn't.There may also be varying degrees of unworthiness as well. A pleaser may feel good about themselves and just altruistic, whereas a sub may have some self-loathing which is expressed by servitude. It's only in extreme cases where this would be the most apparent.

I also think it wouldn't take much to shift one's position on the spectrum; someone might volunteer to do your chores and seemingly enjoy being useful, then start to think "Hey, hold on here; what's in this for me?" and suddenly the whole dynamic changes. Or even the reverse: "I'll never get into her pants, so I should just stop worrying and enjoy pleasing her the best way I can." A lot of people on this site think of themselves (and others) as 'set-in-stone' personalities, when people can be much more plastic in their outlook.

 

I feel it is a mix of the both, depending on the individual, I know other subs, some are definitely not people pleasers, where others, like my self are. I feel people pleasers just want to make people happy, for instance I offered to sort out a co workers laptop for her, it gave me no sexual gratification, but did make me feel good, knowing I’d saved her from getting ripped off of the repair shop.

 

Really interesting thread. Like @L-u-c-y, i get lots of messages from sub men (and the odd woman too) on fetlife wanting to serve me, do chores for me and generally run about after me for no sexual gain, they genuinely want to make my life easier with no sexual element. Equally, I get lots (and lots!!) of very sexual messages from sub men who are clearly not people pleasers, they are purely out to have their needs met as if I am providing a service to them. So from that perspective, I definately don't think that being a people pleaser is the same as being a sub.

Then, perhaps controversially, as a Dominant woman, I would 100% put myself in the people pleaser category. In my day to day life I enjoy helping people, making their life easier. I enjoy helping my family and friends. My job requires me to be empathic and caring, I'm extremely good at my job, but I'd suck at it if I wasn't a people pleaser! And that carries into my D/s relationship too. Its a two way street, we both have our needs met, we both enjoy making each others lives better in different ways that compliment one another perfectly (most of the time lol). I'm most definately Dominant in our relationship, sexually and emotionally. It's my way on my terms for my pleasure, but I also enjoy knowing that I'm pleasing him too.

 

I think they are two completely things. A bratty sub will go out of their way to be dominated, whilst most subs will generally try and please their dom/domme and potentially will please others. But a people pleaser doesn't neceessarily need to be a submissive.

 

Most men I speak to admit they couldn't live the lifestyle 24/7.
They drop in and out of the fetish for servitude to women.
They wouldn't make good partners.

 

Being completely submissive 24x7 is difficult, as would being dominant 24x7. Especially for a couple and they want to express love to each other.

 

Exactly but there are some that are naturally Domme and sub, and sometimes it gets too much.

 

For eg I am a bossy lady and cant abide anything out of place.I find it difficult to be with someone who is messy for Eg

 

As a recently discovered service sub, the need to serve her is a burning need.

I think, if I was in it for just sexual gratification, or as a people pleaser, I would soon lose interest.

Service is hard work.

Instead, my interest and desire to serve, grows stronger.

 

My wife likes it very much to "lend" me to her friends (especially female friends) or to our neighbours for helping them. Not for simple chores but for complicated crafts or repairs. One time she lend me to her sister for doing cleaning chores, shopping and so on. She had a broken leg and her husband has been away for 2 weeks.
In those cases I surely have been what you call a "pleaser" and the aided people did not have any sexual interest in me or my help. Her sister looked a little bit like a Domme, sitting there and monitoring my work, but I think that dosnt count
On the other hand may Lady gets very horny about the knowing that I am out there doing good work, being extremely polite and her friends become a little bit envious about her having such a good Hubby....... while she knows I am locked up and there will be happen absolutely nothing between me and any girlfriend of hers.
And she likes to please herself when I am away. I know that and it makes me horny when I am away.

So, even if I am a "pleaser" for the aided people with no sexual context I am anyway a sub / slave to my Lady and we both are in thel context to sex.

Maybe the difference is just the direction of view?

 

People pleaser is a great term, I unfortunately will probably never be called one. I think there is a huge difference, not in what they do but the drive that makes them do it.

A people pleaser may feel compelled to run around the home to make someone comfy, and doing it for a multitude of reasons: low self esteem, fear of social inadequacy, unsure of another’s thoughts towards them, raised to act that way, or even being a perfectionist. I would say sexual attention, gratification, or even praise isn’t on their minds.

A submissive usually gets a thrill, gratification, a warm fuzzy, and more often than not some sort of reward for thei attentiveness. Be it sexual, verbal, or visual. The thrill of submitting to another’s will is sexualized, even if no touching happens.

A people pleaser reminds me of a 50’s housewife wanting everything just right , because she feels she needs to do that. A submissive reminds me of something else entirely. Although to be perfectly fair, I doubt most subs are actually “submissive” in normal hours, and consider themselves sexually submissive...thrill of doing sexual deeds at the beck and call of their lover. Either as an escape from reality, or past experiences that shaped their sexuality.

Thought provoking thread.

 

I don't think being a sub necessarily has to have a sexual element to it. Nor is it necessarily about people-pleasing. People-pleasing is a conscious act, while submissiveness may be innate. There are no absolutes here, of course. We all have unique motivations.

 

Interesting thread. As previously discussed there is a big difference between a submissive and a people pleaser.

A submissive looks to surrender there freedom of choice, they want to feel owned. The relationship doesn't have to be sexual but sex seems to be an area submissive people struggle to control.

A people pleaser has the freedom of choice. They can be submissive or dominant and can also be associated with sexual activity. They simply enjoy knowing they make people happy.

 

My guess is that the people pleasers also do it for unacknowledged sexual reasons: they get enjoyment in the form of pleasure in the pain of the lack of reciprocity from their mistress. Pleasing her gives positive body to the lack in the Other, in Lacanian terms. In terms of chastity, it would be interesting to know whether there is a distinction between elevating the KH herself to “Goddess status” (the implication being she is the embodiment of perfection) on the one hand, and agreeing to being locked despite the KH clearly not being perfect (i.e. being lacking). Certainly I’d find the latter to be sexually arousing, and the former less so.

 

A submissive seems to be more of a belief or philosophy. It means that you believe in this person and submit to them because you trust their intellect/leadership ect. A people pleaser is most often someone who wants to avoid conflict and they please others at their own expense not to rock the boat. The difference between a people pleaser and a helpful person is that a people pleaser will do the bidding of others even when they don't agree or at the detriment of their own opinion while suffering in silence, and a helpful person can see a need and help life someone up while not harming themselves.

 

It could be that those offering these services find denial stimulating, and working for someone with no possibility of gratification after meeting through a fetish site is definitely a form of denial.

But there are people pleasers, too, IMO. It might be easier to see it from the perspective of a people pleaser top- she can do things for her sub, from cooking dinner to whatever, and still be in charge. As long as the top has the power they're still the top- 'NO, I'm doing the laundry. You sit there.' It's a bit like somebody with a beloved pet. They may groom it, walk it, rub its belly, but they're still the pet's owner.