How Can We Inspire Dominance?

Discussion in 'Female led relationships' started by ChasteMike, Jan 3, 2018.

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  1. ChasteMike
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    When I first got together with my GF, she had a total slave mentality. It didn't matter what I did, she said she loved it, even when she didn't. She was like a mannequin during sex, which wasn't fun for me at all. I mean, I like dominating her, but I don't want to dominate a robot. Turns out she was like this because she had some abandonment issues. I'm switchy and experimental, so I started working on pulling her out of her shell, showing her that it's ok to not like everything I like and things like that. We have been together almost 3 years now, and over that time she has become more dominant.

    She first understood that I don't always need to be dominant when we were playing with toys and she playfully put a clover clamp on my nipple and my dick got hard as a rock from that. Then I got her to try flogging me, and she liked that. She really got into it when I got a chastity cage and let her tease me in a dark movie theater while I wore it. That's how we got into chastity play.

    So now I work on inspiring dominance, rather than asking for it. If we are on the couch, I rub her feet and legs, and occasionally kiss her foot, not because I have a foot fetish, but because it's a tender, loving thing to do. When she pulls away from a kiss I don't grab her by the hair and take the kiss like I used to. I look longingly at her lips and beg for the kiss with my body language.

    This is the opposite of how I dominate. When I dominate, I inspire submission. Now I am focusing on inspiring dominance.

    What are some things men can do to make women feel more dominant?

    Note: This isn't about topping from the bottom. I'm not giving her a list of demands to hit me here, then call me a slut three times, and tie me up like this, and... you know what I mean. That's grocery list BDSM. What I'm doing is trying to sensually communicate to her that she's in control, though foot rubs and loving gazes and things like that. I won't tell her what to do, but I will inspire her to feel in control, so that she feels secure enough to dominate me.
     
  2. L-u-c-y
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    How do you inspire a cat to be a dog. Maybe she doesn’t want to dominate you or anyone. That’s what you want. Maybe she’s happy as she is.
     
  3. ChasteMike
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    #3 ChasteMike, Jan 3, 2018
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    Sure, that's possible.
     
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  4. L-u-c-y
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    It's like saying how can you inspire dominance in a submissive male? You can't, he doesn't want to be dominant, it's not in his nature.

    Some people are pleasers, they can put on a dominant act because they know it pleases you, but it will always be an act. That doesn't mean she's not enjoying it, pleasing you makes her happy.

    She might say you have a tiny penis because she knows it turns you on, she might not actually think that.

    When you think you have freed her from her submissive side, she's still being submissive.
     
  5. ChasteMike
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    #5 ChasteMike, Jan 3, 2018
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    That's just not how humans work. It would be awesome if everybody was always the same because of who they are, because life would be more simple that way. We could all have a sorting hat to tell us how to live and we would be happy forever in our Hogwarts houses. Unfortunately, the world is a chaotic and dangerous place, so our minds evolve, as do our personalities and tastes. This is what put humans on the top of the food chain. Also, domination is not a personality, and neither is submission. To attribute things to personality that have nothing to do with personality is fundamental attribution error.

    Aside from that... just look around a bit here. There are men all over this site trying to figure out how to get their SO to be more comfortable dominating them. Sometimes, this comes across as the worst kind of topping from the bottom. It's shallow and annoying to order somebody to dominate you this way or that way. What they really want is to inspire domination, the same way we inspire other desires in women. This is how seduction works. Men and women love seducing each other, and we do it by inspiring desires in each other. I can inspire submission in my GF any time I want, even now, just by flashing a feral grin at her from across the room. I've recently discovered that I can inspire domination in her by rubbing her feet or putting a cage on and wincing a little when she flirts with me. So I'm exploring where this goes.

    If you don't believe that what we are experiencing is real, that's totally cool.
     
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  6. L-u-c-y
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    If you truly want her to be happy maybe you should accept her how she is and not try to change her to suit your sexual needs.

    Yes there are men all over this site trying to figure out how to make their partner more dominant, but they are not doing it for the womans needs, they are doing it for themselves. Some are brave enough to admit it.

    If you wanted a dominant partner why didn't you go for one in the first place.

    Subs that serve me are also pleasers, but I do not ask them to do anything that goes against their nature.
     
  7. ChasteMike
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    #7 ChasteMike, Jan 3, 2018
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    She is coming out of her shell, and this is the kind of desire that is coming out. I don't have much experience with this, because I do not generally attract dominant women. I am doing this for her. I hoped somebody might have some useful advice for me here.

    I hope that someday somebody actually inspires a genuine exchange of power for you. Everybody deserves to he seduced some times. It is a basic human need.
     
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  8. L-u-c-y
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    How can I get my girlfriend to like [the fetish of my choice that turns me on], but it's for her not me, honest!
     
  9. L-u-c-y
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    It sounds like you have a lovely girlfriend who will do anything to please you. Maybe you should accept that and not want more more more.
     
  10. Mascara^Snake
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    Dominance is synonimous with confidence and self esteem.
    For example, I am naturally dominant because I have a narcissitic type personality which leads me to feel very confident about myself.
    The more confident your partner feels about herself the more likely it is that she will realise dominance.

    I hope that helps.
     
  11. Mistress Jules
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    I think what you are doing is a big ask. From your original post what I see is that you have helped her come out of her shell and introduced her to such things as flogging and chastity. None of which has been her idea.

    Giving footrubs and refraining from forcing a kiss on your girlfriend isn't exactly showing her that she is gaining control.

    I think the best you can hope for in the near future is that she will play at being dominant to please you and if you are lucky she will decide that being a switch is fun.
     
  12. WEC
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    I disagree, my wife and I are both naturally more submissive in the bedroom but give each other the gift of being dominated at times and find ways to enjoy it. She wants me to lead during her "good week" she calls it, even though 90% of my fantasies are submissive you don't think I can enjoy dressing her up like a stripper, cuffing her, and forcing her to bend over for me?? And she is learning to like things about having the ability to deny me and choose when I get mine. So, I see nothing wrong with Mikes initial question. This is basically my exact conundrum of finding a balance in this situation of two natural sub missives who love each other and want to provide the experiences that we each crave. Her good week is coming up and I have several devious plans for her...then I am going to ask her to lock me up for the part of the month she is less interested...focus on providing her a different kind of pleasure while I "suffer" in a cage. :)
     
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  13. WEC
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    totally agree...my wife is doing better at work now, AND I have spent the last year helping her to live her fantasies and demonstrating the manly qualities that she values...and now she is much more confident and able to enjoy dominating me. so that is part of the formula...help her to be confident, make sure she knows that the person she needs in her life is only a second away if she needs him, and then the games are more likely to begin...IMO.
     
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  14. Mascara^Snake
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    Dominance cannot thrive where there is neither self esteem or confidence.
    This is a simple fact for consideration of all those male members who wish their wives were more dominant.

    And by the way, the creation of an environment where these two crucial elements can flourish is not exactly rocket science.
     
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  15. WEC
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    #15 WEC, Jan 3, 2018
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    I'm good with it. I suspect the topic is a very important one to the community.
     
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    I have no idea whether she wishes to be dominant or not but being respectful towards her wishes, joys and fears and paying attention to her feminine wisdom will go a long way. If she decides you are worthy of serving her without being coerced you are blessed. She'll pretty much take it from there.

    By extension, she will no doubt appreciate the courtesy and respect you extend to all the glorious empowered women at CM.
     
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  17. L-u-c-y
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    Mike has asked for his account to be deleted twice and I have complied.
     
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  18. Jens
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    I will just hope for the debate to go on:) Take it away!
     
  19. Achedlock17
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    I take L-u-c-y’s view to be a strongly essentialist one-we all have essential natures and corresponding desires, submissive at one end of the spectrum, dominant at the other.

    I put Mascara^Snake in broadly the same camp, i.e. that if one is to be dominant and have dominant desires one has to be confident and have high self esteem. Try as one might, without those qualities one cannot be dominant although one might wish to be different.

    Chaste Mike sees things differently-he is an anti-essentialist when it comes to desire and personality. Rather than the Fundamental Attribution Error that he cites, I think it would be worth him considering Rene Girard’s idea of “mimetic desire”. Broadly construed it is that we learn what to desire from what we notice other people around us desiring. It is an anti-essentialist view because once one gets beyond basic necessities the possibilities for what we can desire are endless, and somewhat arbitrary, as many can attest when it comes to kinks!

    Perhaps predictably I am somewhere in the middle in the essentialist/anti essentialist debate. I am a Girardian anti essentialist when it comes to desire (I have both submissive and dominant desires, and I have learnt them-I wasn’t born with my kinks) but I do think there are limits to my ability to realise them, broadly based on how others perceive me, and conversely the same is true for other people such as Chaste Mike’s GF. My advice to him would be to see if his GF enjoys socialising with confident dominant vanilla women, and/or dominant women in BDSM (as per Mascara^Snake’s view). She will either begin to change her desires in the dominant direction, or she won’t. If not, we are back to L-u-c-y’s view.
     
  20. ColoBilly
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    Very good question.
     
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  21. Mascara^Snake
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    #21 Mascara^Snake, Jan 3, 2018
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    Excuse me but i think you have overlooked the fact that I am essentially Vanilla.

    Loving the pseudo intellectual babble by the way.
     
  22. Achedlock17
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    If all the vanilla dominant women were to join this site...that would get me off your hook, and give evidence in favour of the pseudo intellectual babble. *Accepts mission*
     
  23. MVee
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    To some extent I think dominance can be learned but there has to be some fertile ground in which to work with. If someone is 100% submissive the likelihood of that is nil. If you have a very vanilla partner and your kinks are extreme the likelihood they will ever get to a level you'd like them to be at... is nil. It's just not going to happen. The best you can hope for is that they do it FOR you... but that's still very unlikely.

    With regards to dominance and self-esteem being mutually exclusive, I disagree. I have known many, many dominant people who have horrible self-esteem, yet they are dominant in their business life etc.
     
  24. Mascara^Snake
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    In that case, here is a documented study by Trapnell and Wiggins which you may find interesting:

    http://www.paultrapnell.com/measure...de the Big Five Dimensions of Personality.pdf
     
  25. guest 2942
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    I tend to have a very different view of dom/sub than most. To me its mostly about power. The sub gives up power and the dominant takes it. Of course the dominant wants the power as thats what feeds them and vise versa for the sub. I think many vanilla women can be seduced into a dominant role by giving them a taste of power. In my opinion the power can be corrupting. Once someone gets a taste of it they may want more. And then it may lead to more power and more depending on how much is given. So I guess my point is once someone has a little bit of power they may or may not be willing to give that up. Let me use an example. My wife hates filling her car up in the winter time. I honestly dont mind doing this for her. But it requires me to give up about 20 minutes of my time and energy in the evening to go do it for her. She of course loves this. Now how do you suppose she would react if one day I said I wouldn't do it anymore? Yeah she would be upset. this is something new for us and have recently just started doing it. I do it because i want to and because she wants me to. It will be interesting to see if this continues once spring hits. My suspicions are that it will, hence power is corrupting. Anyways thats my take. I think to some extent all of us have a sort of dom/sub thing going on everyday. But if you dont think of it in terms like this you wont see it.
     
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