Chastity VS Abstinence an eye opener

Discussion in 'Chastity in vanilla life' started by Sausage, Oct 6, 2023.

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  1. Sausage
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    Sausage Member

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    I've been in a vanilla marriage for 8+ years now. I've always been intrigued by the idea of chastity and being locked by my wife and have self locked countless times. But my wife has never been into it. I just bought a copy of a cobra cage for locktober and have been wearing it for the past 5 days. I know my wife won't be impressed if she sees it which got me to thinking. I don't need a cage. My version of locktober doesn't involve a cage. It is just me not touching myself and enjoying self pleasure, but focusing that energy towards my wife. No-nut-november I can touch myself but not orgasm. Now if my wife wants to have sex (usually only once a month as she tracks her cycle as we are trying to get pregnant) I will be able to experience orgasm. This is a whole different aspect that just occurred to me that maybe chastity isn't my calling but rather abstinence. I can still get turned on and my member will get excited, but its up to me to use that sudden onset of desire and energy to please my wife.

    Just a different take on things and maybe a new chapter to my life. Maybe chastity isn't my calling perse
     
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  2. Chloe420
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    That's basically how I'm doing it too. I remain abstinent and self lock up whenever I can, but not 24x7, and if she wants to have sex then I do so. So far it was only once this month and I DID give her an orgasm orally first, in case that was all she wanted (it wasn't), and I DID also ask if I could not cum, but she really wanted me to. Otherwise, no orgasms. And I actually started about a week before Locktober too, as I think some people do.

    I figure this is the only way I can realistically participate given my situation, so better than nothing.
     
  3. LesterBallard
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    LesterBallard Long term member

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    Yes that is a very satisfying way of remaining chaste. Good luck
     
  4. Sausage
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    I had some *cough* urges *cough* today after work, so I put my cage back on. Maybe I will do the best of both worlds. I can have my cage off when she is home, but whenever she's gone or I'm in my shed, I will be locked up. Tbh, when I put the cage on today I realized that I missed the secure feeling of the cage. It just makes me feel contained.
     
  5. enslavedbyc
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    enslavedbyc Junior Member

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    I’m curious. Does she ever use a vibrator? Whether she does or not do you, or would you care?
     
  6. Sausage
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    She doesn't, she's even said when I've asked her that she has never masturbated. She won't rub herself when we are having sex because she thinks its weird, and when she rides me on top (which she hates to do but will if I ask) I have to direct tab A into slot B. She just isn't comfortable with anything like that. Super vanilla. She is fine having sex, but I have to do all of the work.

    On a good note, I can please her extremely well orally because she isn't used to the sensation of a vibrator lol. I have bought a dildo to use on her while eating her and she enjoys it but she won't do it herself.

    I've used a vibrator and dildo on myself when alone and I love it... I've learned to have an anal orgasm and holy cow that is great.... but no chance she would do that to me. It's like I want the opposite of how we are. She's more submissive or equal to me in our daily life but when it comes to sex life I want to be the submissive one but she just shuts down.
     
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  7. Shimone
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    Shimone Long term member

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    Well - you can not grow wings on a fish and make it fly... If she never learned to be sex positive and has no interest to do so due to a low sex drive there is not much you can do.

    Good luck on you chastity journey anyway - and yes - even without cage it is still chastity ;)
     
  8. Cuck247
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    Cuck247 Active member

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    It has to be chastity for me, otherwise i would spend all day feeling myself and having spent so long locked it feels strange without a cage.
     
  9. true42
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    THIS IS NOT TRUE.

    Women who are not sex positive can DEFINITELY learn to enjoy sex. I think you'd be surprised.

    (There are apparently some people who don't enjoy sex, at all, ever. I'm not claiming that every single woman can learn to enjoy sex.)
     
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  10. Shimone
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    Shimone Long term member

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    @true42 I love surprises ;)

    However - if what you say is the rule rather than the exception I do not understand why there are so many threads from people whining that their wifes would not take part in their fantasy.
     
  11. atxmtb
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    atxmtb Long term member

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    A cage is definitely not necessary although I'm not sure there is a guy out there without enough willpower to keep from masturbating if he's not in a cage. I know I can't. I can for a few days but at some point, I'll be stroking one out if it's free. Just saying. It's hard enough even when I'm locked not to be tempted to find some way for release. And they are there but less satisfying, and more difficult. Plus the cage is a good reminder of the expectations.

    I understand that a wife typically isn't nearly as into it as the guy. But that's because the guy knows himself, his inside self and his relationship with his cock, so much more than his wife no matter how good a relationship they may have. Generally the wife doesn't want the kink aspect. Chastity isn't about kink. Sure there's kink under the surface, but that's just the nature of all things associated with a cock. Work on getting your wife to understand. But it has to be done without expressing some erotic angle to it all. The only thing that matters to your wife is that you are doing it for her, to be a better husband. It is NOT that you are aroused by the thought. If your own arousal is the only reason you are interested, then it might not really be something for you to do. The best way forward is to find a reason that both you and your wife/KH can get behind. There are many, and it's an amzaing thing to do long term. Hope you guys can figure it out.
     
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  12. madams-sissysub
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    It’s whatever suits you! There is no wrong or right way, just do what fits for you and enjoy it! Good luck on your abstinence!
     
  13. M@rcellus
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    M@rcellus Long term member

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    I'd be very careful with a wife who only wants sex with you to get pregnant. She may want to be a mother, do all the things her friends seem to be doing but actually hates men. It happens.
     
  14. true42
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    Many women are turned off by sex to begin with, often because they have been under-appreciated, disrespected, over-sexualized, assaulted, raped, and/or molested in the past. It is often about power and not about sex, and many women just feel powerless in their sexual relationships. When a man stops pushing for his needs and desires to be met, and begins to focus on the needs and desires of his paramour, it shifts the power and the control to her, and gives her permission to enjoy something that she never had the luxury of enjoying previously.

    A woman who feels safe, loved, respected, trusted, and free to pursue her own interests can discover the joy of sex. Remove the pressure, the work exhaustion, the nagging, and the worry (e.g. about doing something wrong), and most women will bloom.

    Of course, there are women who suffer from deep PTSD and other psychosis related to sex; they often require professional help over a long period of time to recover, if they can recover at all. Some women are asexual, and simply have no interest in or positive response to sex. But most women, in the proper setting and with the proper support, can enjoy sex.
     
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  15. M@rcellus
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    My gf has been affected by some of the above. I think she enjoys most of all having the power to choose having to have non-sexual nights with a playmate, whatever you want to call me. I'll always at least get to hold her naked when we sleep and after years of being selfish in and out of bed I agree with her that this is good for me.
     
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  16. Chloe420
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    I'm going to give my own update here about my version of locktober (mentioned higher up in this thread):

    I still haven't masturbated to typical orgasm since sometime around mid Sept, so it has been at least 3 weeks now. In October I have had 2 regular orgasms, one was from sex with my wife around Oct 3 (where I tried not to orgasm and offered to just give her oral, but she insisted), and one was from a random quicky BJ she gave me around Oct 8 where the kids were around but busy and she reached out and grabbed my belt as I walked near where she was sitting.

    I continue to self lock when I'm able, mostly at night, sometimes during the day. I've done a couple self teasing and edging sessions too. I've also ejaculated twice this month from prostate stimulation while locked, around Oct 6 and Oct 10. These ejaculations were caught and "recycled".

    All in all, my libido has remained low, often non-existent, which has been dissappointing. I think this is due to high stress, physical injuries and ailments (my primary stress-relief is sports and fitness), plus maybe too much weed. I often find myself wanting to get high at night, thinking it will crank up these sessions like the old days, but in reality I find it might just be dulling things and removing the complex nuances that drive arousal, simplifying it into a more 1-dimensional drive for pleasure (which isn't entirely compatible with denial play). I may try to abstain from weed for a while and see how that pans out... I know there will be some withdrawals for 2-3days, but after that maybe I will see improvement.

    My mood today is particularly low, and my libido is completely absent. I am still responsive to external explicit sexual stimulation (mental or physical), but I have no base-line, internally-generated arousal at all. This is dissappointing.
     
  17. atxmtb
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    atxmtb Long term member

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    Could be lots of reasons. How old are you, do you take any medication? I do find chastity increases my libido but that's due to retention. But if you orgasmed three days ago, and you have lots of distractions, a low libido isn't surprising. Testosterone supplements are an amazing addition, as is Viagra. There are solutions. But sometimes, yeah, I'm not that horny. Which is why lately I hesitate to orgasm. It's almost not worth it. I'd rather be horny all the time than orgasm.
     
  18. Chloe420
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    Thanks for the reply.

    I'm early 40s, in very good physical shape. My libido and general mood degraded significantly about 6 years ago when my marriage essentially failed. Since then we live as roommates, coparents, and the occasional sexual (but non-romantic) interaction.

    I have been wondering if my testosterone is lower lately, though I did have it tested about 5 years ago and it was normal. Maybe I need to have it tested again. It would certainly explain things. Cialis doesn't boost T, it just makes erections easier, which I can achieve easily enough on my own these days with abstinence (I did have a prescription back in those early days after marriage failed because I was totally non-functioning back then, but don't need anymore).

    I don't regularly take any medication (just weed, almost daily), and I don't drink much (maybe once a week, 2 drinks per week on average).
     
  19. Chloe420
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    I'll give another locktober update...

    I've basically decided, and not simply from hornyness, that long-term abstinence is not for me. On Tuesday, which was about 10 days after my last full orgasm, my wife wanted to have sex. First, I had a very difficult time getting an erection, despite her using her hand and then mouth, and then I was basically ejaculating even before I was fully hard. It wasn't fun, or pleasurable... it was rather annoying and left everyone dissappointed. It wasn't a question of discipline or self control either... my prostate just started emptying. It was also a ridiculous fucking mess... I cum a significant amount normally, but this time was basically enough for my wife to float to the bathroom. She was unhappy with that factor too.

    The point of all this type of explorstion, for me, was to enhance my sex life. The chastity play is fun, but my hope was for it to increase my libido and to improve my sexual performance. I can see how someone into humiliation might actually find this result beneficial (ie: typical humiliation femdom/cuckold lines about being unable to get hard or last long enough), but that isn't an interest of mine.

    Chastity, by itself, could still be of interest. But extended durations of abstinence definitely isnt appealing to me anymore. I'm going to experiment, but I'm starting to get the impression that about 3 or 4 days is probably the ideal duration of abstinence for me at my current age. That will probably maximize the erectile response while not excessively degrading my stamina.
     
  20. M@rcellus
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    M@rcellus Long term member

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    I would personally take cumming over my girlfriend so much that she had to creep to the bathroom as a win.
     
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  21. Chloe420
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    Yes, normally I would too. But that's because normally ejaculated volume can be indicative of orgasm intensity. Or because my partner loves the large amount. In this case, neither was true. There was basically no pleasure in this ejaculation, in some ways worse than a typical ruined orgasm. And my wife is slightly disgusted by cum.
     
  22. JessMal
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    I've had those kind of 'orgasms' as well. I use quotes because they're no fun. Everything just leaks out. No pleasure, I find that if I've been caged for a while, the first orgasm can be like that unless there's a big workup / foreplay session before hand. The second orgasm, even the next day, is way better.
     
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  23. atxmtb
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    atxmtb Long term member

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    What I've learned is that their guidance for testosterone levels is not the same for every person. You're levels may seem normal to them, but not be the level you need. I take testosterone supplements even though my primary care doctor said my levels were normal. Let me tell you, it was like night and day. If you've noticed a change, then you probably need them. Take them for a few weeks, and you'll see a difference. If you don't then stop, but don't let their understanding of the right level dicate whether you should take them or not. Best thing I've ever done medically (um, with the exception of removing a gangrened gallbladder which was killing me).
     
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  24. Chloe420
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    I agree with you on both counts. The normal range is something like 300-1000 for men... that's a massive range! Also, the difference one might have over time could be a big factor as well: if one were to go from 900 (normal) to 400 (still normal), would a doctor say "your T is still normal" ? Because a drop by more than half seems like a pretty big difference! So I'm thinking I'll ask to check again, and also to compare to whatever my previous level was.

    What supplements do you take? Are they just homeopathy, or actually clinically proven to increase syrum T?
     
  25. Chloe420
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    Yeah, the next day I decided to clear my pipes. I did a session with 2 ruined orgasms and a full one. Had I just done a full one, I imagine it would have been very powerful, but it may not have cleared things out again. In this instance, by the time I did the full orgasm, I didn't have a ton of prostatic fluid left... the orgasm was strong and long lasting. It only produced a relatively small amount of cum, at the start of the orgasm, but kept dry spasming for another 30 seconds or so as I kept going.

    That was Wednesday. I've abstained since then, so I may be due for another clearing in the next couple days to stay at optimal sexual performance capacity. I actually don't have a ton of urgency or need for it, though... I could easily go longer without, but dont want to risk things and have another poor performance again should my wife want to have sex again. Granted, she starts her period any day now, during which she never wants sex, so I guess I might be able to last out the rest of loctober safely, if I wanted to, but not sure I care that much now.
     
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