I hope this never happens to us but was wondering today if any couples on here have stopped their FLR and gone back to a more vanilla life?
I'm laughing hard... But in reality... Yes. It doesn't work for some, and wife participation isn't guaranteed. There are a lot of self lockers out there, and a lot of threads about it not working. Personally I can't see a way to go back. Things have only got better.
My wife and I have always had a great relationship, introducing femdom and chastity has created some interesting challenges over time but that has only made our relationship stronger. I feel if my wife or I wanted to do a 180 on our FLR and chastity it would be because something was wrong in the relationship. I don’t know if it would even be possible to go back to how things were before and us feel normal about it.
If you are with someone a really long time, there is going to be a good chance there are ups and downs and that your sex life changes or goes through cycles or episodes. When were in a more experimental phase, and some people knew it, they assumed we were kinky 24/7/365, with their own notions and fantasies having a lot to do with it. There are lots of relationships were the woman rules, but it’s not going to be erotic FLR all the time.
How do we quantify what is an FLR and what isn’t? Do we say that if your wife makes 94% of the decisions that it is an FLR? Can they make 10% of life decisions but 100% of the sexual ones? Is that an FLR? We went down the ‘FLR’ path, leading to handing over a lot of control to my wife. It worked well, she became far more confident, our relationship blossomed, after some time she decided that she would prefer some parity - and so made that choice - but that was her decision, so does that mean that technically we still live in an FLR because she has the control to do so? She still retains most of the control with regards to any sexual activity, whether I am caged or not, just about everything… but she does it with compassion and communication. A little direction. I am confused somewhat by the notion that the balance of submission and dominance has any correlation as to whether you are vanilla? Should I submit to my wife and she decided that once every other Thursday we would have intercourse in the missionary position for two minutes… would that be kinky because we did it under the pretext of an FLR?
My dude, unless you are routinely chained to the basement floor, naked, and fed dog food, then are you really even properly alive?
How do we quantify routine? As I’m tied naked to the basement floor right now. I have digestive issues so it’s only blended cat food for me… but sometimes this happens weekly, sometimes it’s just once a month. Does this qualify as an FLR if it’s only some of the time? This may sound somewhat disingenuous…. but is it as disingenuous as a lifestyle choice that can be turned on and off? FLRs are confusing.
Sounds like you're just dipping your toe into FLR since you didn't mention which cat food brand, or whether you are branded, or whether you get to iron her bull's shirts.
I know. It’s hard it’s hard to get her to really live this new lifestyle that she never asked for and has no fitting personality traits for. Sure she’ll chain me in the basement, but she’s feeding me premium probiotic cat food! How do I convince her to substitute this to a value brand, with full chunks and no nutritional value?! I mean, sure she has a few bulls, but none of them are over 10 inches. How do I get her over the guilt of destroying her intimate female regions by taking larger? She always leaves Wednesdays free as “time for us”. How do I make her understand it would be much better if she just had everyday with other partners while I stayed at home, in a cage, butt plugged for 23 hours straight? Why can’t she just accept an FLR? I’m sure it’s our marriage counsellor putting her off, we should have gone for someone more ‘kink friendly’!
I dunno dude, it's starting to sound like she just doesn't care about the FLR aspects of your relationship. Maybe it's time to hire a hitman.
I’ve barley been in a vanilla relationship in my life, I met Madam when I was 19, we had a fling for a month or 2 but she said she didn’t want a relationship at that moment, so we stayed friends, but didn’t speak hardly. I got with a girl from work a few months later, but she was not for me so we broke up, and then madam called me I went to hers and we talked and had a few drinks and she told me she had become a dominatrix! A few days later we were talking again and I confessed to her my fetishes and that I was a sub and she told me I should come up on the weekend, and within weeks we began our bdsm/FLR relationship! And we’re still in it now.
FLR not FLR what is that? So I am an Alpha male and in every area except nowadays my relationship with my wife. I run my own businesses and primarily make the financial decisions, but with the stepping into a more controlled sexual environment, she IS THE BOSS. I have taken too much pleasure for myself through masturbation and selfish fantasies over the years to her detriment, and have considered my own needs above hers too much - even to the extent of topping from the bottom when we started the CL. When I matured to realize that me giving up my climaxes and desires sexually for her, was what was needed to move to the next level, is when our dynamic changed. This move to permanent chastity and orgasm denial for me, has changed our lives! So even though we do not have a traditional FLR, I now always give in to her wants and desires first. I always consider her point of view first. I always fully discuss matters with her before going down any decision route. This would have never happened before and it has resulted in a strengthening of our relationship that is simply unimaginable. Taking my desires "off the table" with her, has even resulted in me considering other's needs first above what I wanted - this is a major shift from where I was. It has made me a much better person and I am eternally grateful to her for making the decision of permanent orgasm denial for me. Again is this actually an FLR - I leave that up to debate but back to the question - can you go back? For me and us the answer is a resounding NO!
I think it depends on what ‘before’ was like. My wife wanted an FLR and was dominant from the start, and started laying down rules within a month of us starting to date, so there was no alternative.
She lost interest in FLR so we kind of went back to vanilla except during sex when she would do things to turn me on like pinch nipples, but it was really not for daily D/s dynamic. However, she did try to control me in vanilla through suggestions, emotions, etc. It creates that common vanilla mild tension they struggle with. Now she gets it. She realizes how much she intrinsically desires to control me. I very much want her in charge but please use these FLR tools to create a symbiotic dynamic instead of using guilt or shame. I don't want to be locked if I'm topping from the bottom either. She has to want a slave and to live a life of ease. She has decided she wants it. Let's hope she keeps topping.
I have learned not to talk about FLR with my wife. I used to do that. Her reaction was always something like "why do you always think about that". My wife has become more dominant with me. I believe this has happened because I obey her. If she gets angry at me I listen and don't talk back. She wants obedience so I obey. I concentrate on being the best maid I can be. This is my strategy to keep the FLR going. The only FLR talk I do is to ask for tease and denial and receiving the crop. I say please. If she says no then I put the vibrator and crop away and not complain. She is not bothered by this. I don't dare ask for sex anymore.
I'm not sure we could return to a pre-FLR lifestyle. She has me hooked, and she enjoys the respect and control (when she wants it). The rest of the time she wants me to run things, which is fine, but she always has the last word on everything, and never has to deal with disrespect from me. I really, really like that. What a difference a few years make!
We tried it but the problem is that I went to gifted student schools my entire school life. My wife went to a trade school. Big difference in IQs so we knew upfront that the smart thing is to let the smarter person run the marriage. I know finance and lots of things that my wife does not know. However I like to be submissive during sex so we tried a FLR. I found my wife crying because it was all too much for her to run our marriage. Our marriage as always been me with the brains and her with the brawn as her dad taught her all sorts of handyman stuff and he likes doing physical labor much more than doing things that require her brain. So we just went back to the way that worked for us over 50 years and all is well. I am in charge of our marriage but not really. We lasted so long because neither of us does anything that the other does not like. We either compromise or just forget it. I view marriage as a partnership where we either both agree or we find another solution that we can both agree on. Even when my wife learned she is bi she never dated a woman without me going out with them nor did she ever have sex with a woman without me at least watching. We just make sure that what we do is OK with each other and that is how it should be. Just doing a FLR for the sake of a sexual fetish is not a good idea. I know a lot of men like to be sexually submissive but are actually very alpha like I am. I was a jock and a decorated combat vet. I had a high level job and was in a gang when I was younger raised in slums. I look like a Mafia hitman with scars to make me look dangerous. I did teach self defense with guns and I collect both guns and knives and know how to use both very well. I like to be sexually submissive because it requires all of your attention and that makes it impossible to think about the things that cause anxiety, stress or even depression. At least during the session. I was sexually submissive to both my wife and her girlfriend but once we left the bedroom, I was the one who led the poly triad. I had the money and the knowhow to do it better than they could and they agreed. No we are just a regular couple, equals in our marriage. During sex I like to make it more about my wife's pleasure as payback for 30 years of threesomes with her and her girlfriends. So when it comes to sex it is whenever and however my wife wants it. I am locked up in a chastity cage as I have been for the last 12 years. To be honest, we did breaks lasting from a couple of weeks to the longest at two months due to me needed two surgeries. She gets horny seldom but I wait until she wants sex which can be tomorrow or on October for our anniversary. I never know but we work best as equals outside of the bedroom and better at me being submissive for sex. So you can have your cake and eat it too.
I don’t see it working for us to swap dominance back now, we definitely both enjoy life better this way. We’ve always been even partners in our marriage but I was in charge of our sex lives, and now as she’s fully taken over enforcing my chastity, we’re not in a full on FLR but it definitely spills over into “normal” life. She doesn’t have to lift a finger very often to do things for herself, but since my job injury forced me into early retirement, I’m the house Subby, so it all really just fell into a perfect spot for us both. Plus we’ve discovered my sweet Wife had a wicked and quite dominant with a smidge of sadistic side hidden within, and she’s having a really good time exploring that side. And so am I! We’re both extremely happy and fulfilled, so going back, something would be seriously wrong.
We have had to take short breaks, but she has categorically stated there is no going back. Whatever you want to call it, she is in charge and intends to keep it that way.