Guy from RI's Journey into Chastity

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  1. Guy From RI
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    Guy From RI Member

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    I'm a "long time listener" and "first time caller" - just took the plunge into real life chastity play and am feeling my way through it. I'll share my experience here of how I got started and a bit about the context of my life, within which this journey plays out.

    Brief Background
    Like most of us here, I've looked at chastity porn and fantasized about it for a long time - in my case, a few years. My fantasies were all about being constantly edged and teased and what I could get from chastity, how it would serve me sexually. It was only the past several months as I've continued a long-running crisis of sexual incompatibility in my marriage that I changed my thinking about the value of chastity and orgasm denial. In blogs I read about semen retention and directing one's sexual energy back into the relationship (28 year marriage for me). I read with interest about the new focus a man can get by giving control of his orgasm over to his partner. I was very intrigued, partly because I've made so little progress trying to get my wife to be interested in sex even a small fraction of what I am. But in reading and thinking, I've realized that while I focus on "how can I get her to sex me more" I haven't taken any ownership around "what am I doing to keep this from happening?" That's where the blogs helped me realize that by masturbating daily and spending endless hours looking at porn, I was siphoning off all of my sexual energy, leaving very little for my wife to work with. And worse, leaving me selfish and self-absorbed, not at all focused on showing my wife the joys of having a man who will selflessly pleasure and serve her. And by serve I mean "take care of, attend to, provide for" in all sorts of ways (chores, favors, kindnesses, etc.).

    You already know what I mean by "pleasure" though it bears mentioning that the concept that giving my wife sexual pleasure with zero expectation of reciprocal pleasure - taking away any hint or possibility that she needs to give me an orgasm just because I gave her 10 - was something I had not considered. The female bloggers clarified for me that a HUGE barrier to a wife becoming open to teasing, edging, and having sexy time is the pressure we men put on them to reciprocate. Even if it's not explicitly requested, years of history tells our significant other that we expect at least a bit of rub and tug after we give them satisfaction.

    So with this newfound knowledge, I set out to explore the world of orgasm denial with my wife. For anyone still reading, I'll outline how it went.

    How it began
    First, I practiced self denial for 3 days and was highly attentive to my wife. On day 3 she had a book club gathering and I totally helped out by preparing, making snacks, then cleaning up afterward. The next day, Saturday I arranged for a "play date" (our colloquialism for sexy time) and set things up to cater to my wife’s tastes - candles, chill music, and most importantly, massage table and warm oil. And her favorite sex toys.

    At the start, I asked her to sit and talk for a few moments before I started a "spa day" for her. I said there were long and short versions of the conversation I wanted to have and that today we’d have the short one and if it went well, we could have the longer one in the days to come.

    I asked her to Remember when, curing sex, I’ve said “you own my orgasm” and when I’ve asked her permission to cum. Our sex often involves me getting her off with vibrators and dildos followed by her teasing and torturing me (I'm a masochist and love painful cock, ball, and nipple pain play) and her basically "supervising" my masturbation, so there have been many opportunities for me to play out my fantasy of letting her decide if I can cum. Unfortunately, her answer has always been "yes." I explained that the truth is, what I really wanted was for her to say “no.” She raised her eyebrows at that.

    As a small aside, for the past week we’ve been playing a little game where I take care of her food needs (planning, shopping, preparing) and she gives me a short spanking with a bit of a lecture about how I did the day before and what to do today. When I said that part of what I was speaking to now was the idea that she might control my orgasms beyond the play time together, she said she’d almost lectured me the day before to not masturbate. This was was an interesting coincidence that we’d both focused on my dirty habit this week.

    I explained basic idea of orgasm denial, sexual energy, attentive husband, etc. I focused on the benefits to her - of my doing more for her and pointed out that for the past few days I'd been making a greater effort to help out this week - she said she'd noticed. I talked about my excessive masturbation habit and how it probably leads to my not initiating sex and not being as loving and attentive as in the now-distant past. I again said I’d like to give a try at her controlling my orgasms. She quickly pointed out that would require me to quit jerking off every day. We had a brief funny moment where I said, "well it's not EVERY day" and she called bullshit and I admitted that, yes, for the most part I jerk off every day and have for many years. I also said talking about that involves the longer version of the conversation. I told her about using a chastity device to manage the wanking habit and told her I’d been self caging for a few days to stop my masturbation. I told her that if we went down the orgasm control path, part of the process would be to lock my cock and for her to hold the keys.

    I showed her the cage and she was intrigued, not disgusted. Excellent start (reminder, my wife is VERY vanilla about sex, so for her to not react negatively to the introduction of a cock cage was kind of a big deal; I had NOT started the day expecting to take the conversation this far). I asked her what she thought and she brought up that it seemed like I’d be unhappy with denial but acknowledged that since I was asking I obviously thought I wanted it. I’m a very detailed-analysis kind of guy so she knew I’d done the research because I always do.

    We talked about timing and the risk of the "lock it and leave it" syndrome and how that would have the opposite of the desired effect - I would become frustrated and resentful instead of engaged and attentive. She mentioned that in one of her favorite shows, the bachelorette, the strong woman contestant recently told a guy that she wouldn’t put up with any “self care” (masturbation). I asked if she’d thought of me when hearing that and she said yes. I felt a little bad about the fact that my self-pleasuring was so much on her mind but she didn't feel she could address it with me until now.

    I said I’d like to talk more later but now I’d like to give her spa day. I said that my focus is her pleasure and if she chooses to pleasure me, I only ask that she do whatever she like but stop short of letting me cum, that I’d like her to make me stay orgasm-free until the the coming week. She was fine with the idea and during her massage and me servicing her orally and with toys she occasionally gave me an instruction including “put clips on your nipples,” and “plug your butt.” I inserted a vibrating plug and turned it on then said I was sorry I didn’t ask if I should turn it on. She said to turn it off and bring her a paddle. She spanked me for not asking permission, which turned me on - she only plays the dominant in rare small doses so this was very positive. A bit later she told me to bend over and she turned on the vibrator. Yes!
    I gave her a long full body Massage and brought her to five or six orgasms with my mouth, hands, and multiple vibrators. She was very busy coming but also made a point of grabbing my cock and balls and the clips on my nipples, roughly stimulating me. Given my proclivities, I was in heaven.

    She gave me a short hand job and more spanking and then told me to shrink my erection so we could lock it up. That idea was very hot, but before the play date started I took two Viagra (I have ED) so explained the problem and that I hadn’t thought I’d be able to screw up the courage to talk about chastity and orgasm denial and thought she’d want me to be able to penetrate her like she usually does. So problem one is I have a very strong reaction that isn’t going away easily. Problem two is I’d hoped she would edge me a couple times and I looked mopey about her being done stimulating me already. When she asked what was wrong, I explained both problems. She said "no problem" but then shocked me when she said to get her the crop and then put my hands on my head. Hmmm, this was interesting - she wasn't just saying "OK, I'll play with your dick since you were expecting that." Instead, she proceeded to beat the living hell out of my very erect cock, my clamped nipples, my plugged ass, my whatever else she found (sides, thighs, arms, etc.). Yes, I'm a masochist, but this was unexpected and for the most part was NOT a pleasant sensation. Since I'm a masochistic total spanko pain slut and since her just going her own way on this was an out of character expression of dominance, I found the whole thing unbelievable hot. It seemed I had awakened something and I couldn't wait to see where this all led.

    She changed gears, surprising me a bit again, and put me on my back and told me “I want you to stroke my cock but don’t you dare have an orgasm!” She called it her cock! This was growth! She put all sorts of clips, clamps, and pokey things on me and whipped me with the crop while I beat my still very hard cock. This is where I screwed up. While I stroked myself and my wife tortured me, I was turned on but her beating me with the crop kept interrupting my flow and deescalating my approach to orgasm. She kept egging me on to stroke harder and faster. Her bossy talk turned me on but the crop stopped it. Well, somewhere in that chaos my climax snuck up on me. She had been teasing that she might let me cum but that I needed to ask before doing so. When I felt my climax building I asked her if I could cum and she gave the right answer, “No!”

    I took my hand off my cock immediately but I could feel the sensation of an orgasm tipping over in my thighs and said “oh shit!“ as ejaculate flowed out and ran down my shaft. She was surprised and said “I told you not to!” I apologized, admitting I fucked up and stroked too long, but explained that the upside was she had just forced my first ever ruined orgasm, that it was only a small part of usual orgasm pleasure and that I still felt like I needed to cum. She was amused by this. I described ruined O’s and milking and we left it there.

    After, I tried to shrink my erection, I put my cage on but 20 minutes later asked if I could defer caging as my cock was still hard, everything hurt from the fairly severe crop-beating she'd given it, and I’d worn a hole in the skin on the shaft of my cock. She was a bit bothered by my creating a sore on my shaft and looked skeptically at me when I said "you kept telling me to stroke harder and faster." I guess she expected me to bring some common sense to the playtime. But that's not my strong suit. Oh well. She agreed I didn’t need to lock up since there was no chance I would be playing with my damaged member for the time being.

    So, in conclusion, I thought my wife might be a little bit open minded, but I could not have not guessed the introduction of orgasm control / denial would go so well. I really didn’t expect her to "get it" regarding denial as easily as she did. That was two weeks ago. I'll make another post later explaining what's happened since. But as a "reward" for anyone who read all the way to the end, I'll tell you I haven't had an orgasm yet. And I'm not sure I can count how many she has had - probably on the order of 20. The surprises from my wife did not end with her unexpectedly enthusiastic acceptance of my introduction to orgasm denial.
     
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