Chastity and the LLF problem

Get the third party she suggested years ago. Either that or find some one on "fetlife.com" to be your dominatrix, yep even pay if you have to. Your life is slipping away ,soon you'll be accepting your boring fate.

 

Yep, basically been here (a few years ago).

Long answer: https://www.chastitymansion.com/for...be-way-to-get-more-women-into-chastity.49979/

Short answer:

1) You guys need more communication. Lovingly seek to understand why she isn't sexually motivated. There can be a myriad of reasons, many (maybe most) of which you have direct control over.

She may not want you to be submissive and you doing chores likely has zero impact on her libido.
She may not understand your motivation and need for sex...and what it means to you as a man.
She may not feel safe or that you are bringing a strong masculine presence to the relationship.
She may have childhood trauma that overrides sexual desire making the effort to be sexual not worth it (ie any time she tries to be sexual, some kind of fear, pain, anxiety, shame overrides it and shuts it down).
She may not know what she wants sexually
She may not feel that she deserves sexual pleasure
She may feel that she's not doing it right in trying to please you.

If you can work past all this stuff, once resolved, chastity is soooo much fun for both.

Just this morning my was teasing me, locked up, and wouldn't let me out, saying how much she loves to see me squirm and put all of my horny energy on her. It did not happen over night, and took several years of a variety of self healing work, exploration, discussion, experimentation, learning how to ask for what we want and presenting it in a clear way and asking in a way that the other person can negotiate around their boundaries.

We've been exactly where you were and (as described in that thread above) found a path through it.

 

If what I wrote does resonate with you, check out my thread for other ideas and things that we encountered and what worked for us. Happy to share additional thoughts. This is an amazingly common challenge with couples and totally workable!

 

Why? It is just more work for her. If she isn’t engaging now, why would she if you wear a chastity cage?

I am sounding harsh, I know. But, look at it from her point of view. And if she does agree, it won’t work if she is not invested. You will hate it and become resentful.

If you want an engaged and invested partner, you need to understand why she is not currently responding. It is time to talk to a pro. Her offer of bringing in a third person was huge. Why did she go there?

We have been where you are.

We were on the brink. By accident, we discovered that she could only relax if she had control. Chastity was weird to us, but as an extension of her control, she was willing to try and liked it. Perhaps, too much. We have never been happier. A pro may have helped us figure that out years earlier.

Don’t waste more years. You may not like the initial answer, but you will know what you are working with. From that, you may find a solution that you both can invest in and work with.

I wish the best for you both.

 

I am interested in following this thread. I hadn't heard the terms before, but I am also a HLM with LLF wife, also married over 10 years and there is zero intimacy these days. I've also suggested chastity for me as way to get something out of the situation or at least rationalize it, but my wife is not very interested in holding a key. She would definitely NOT entertain a third in the relationship in my case (I have suggested it but it was rapidly shot down), so I am somewhat high and dry. She does like the idea of dressing me as woman and has suggested this several times. I wear panties daily and self lock as much as I can.
I don't have many good ideas to add, but know you are not alone.

 

I don’t get it. Think you need to elaborate a little more.

‘She says she’ll try and then nothing for weeks…’
Are you attempting to instigate proceedings or not?
Is she saying no or is it just not happening?

Do you have these discussions about sex and then expect her to fix her side of the problem?

Do you argue about your sex life and then she agrees to try harder?

What do you actually except in terms of a sexual relationship? When you say ‘nothing for weeks’ did she ride you cowgirl, dress up in PVC, do everything you asked?
Or was it an intimate loving affair? Did you make a real concerted effort to ensure it was exactly what she wanted?

To me, this was telling. She’s enacting your sexual fantasies and feeling uncomfortable, she doesn’t actually feel confident or excited by these acts but she tries anyway.
If you’re that desperate for these things that you actually sought out the assistance of a BDSM counsellor it’s obviously very important to you.

I wonder if your expectations in your sex life are completely off putting to her and she feels inadequate.

 

HLM, LLF ??

 

I find that one of the major benefits of a chastity device is that, if a male in chastity initiates intimacy he knows there will be no question of anything happening that involves his penis unless he is released. His keyholder knows he knows and has accepted the situation. As you say, keeping him in chastity keeps him perpetually horny so he can't help initiating intimacy. The keyholder receives a nice relaxing session without feeling pressured to take things further than she wants. Her partner is probably in an even more frustrated state, but that just reinforces the feedback loop. The alternative of a post orgasmic slump would be much less productive.

Have you tried something like locking yourself and leaving the key somewhere inconvenient, like your garage. Start some light intimate contact that you know she likes. My wife likes a shoulder massage or a back rub. If she looks uncomfortable tell her you are locked up and can't get out without breaking off and going to get the key. Of course it's best just before you go to sleep or when you first wake up, so you need to be able to wear the device overnight. Hopefully she will realise that, if she has the key, she will get more romantic moments with no pressure and, of course, she can let you out if she wants to. Of course, if it works, it might be a case of "be careful what you wish for." Good luck.

 

I, personally, don't like the term "libido". Instead of it being used to generally describe a varied set of preferences and tendencies, it often gets used as an unchanging attribute. This is my thinking...

"My wife has a low libido..." That's too bad she has that, but that's who she is. At best: Now how can I work to satisfy my high libido while respecting who she is as a low libido person. Still self-focused in my opinion.

Now say that without saying "libido"...

"My wife isn't interested in sex very often..." What doesn't she find interesting about it?

"My wife doesn't want to have sex often..." Why? Is there something she doesn't like about having sex with me?

My wife isn't interested in sex... What doesn't she find interesting about it?

My wife isn't often in "the mood"... What is troubling her and negatively impacting her mood? It might not even have anything to do with sex

And so on...

My point is, try to avoid using low libido as someone that defined a person because it can be an excuse to ignore root causes.

 

I have no idea what this jargon means but I would go all in. Order a huge dildo and harness and ask if she'd like to play. I did this and she said yes and loves it.

 

Higher libido male vs lower libido female

 

Ah that is a problem. My mistress makes me lick her constantly and when she cums sprays in my mouth. She's only really interested in unlocking me for cbt. She doesn't really want me cumming at all. I'd get rid if you're not getting to go down on her often. There are plenty women out there who would be very happy with that. The problem is finding each other but you have to have the courage to be single to do that.

 

just what I was thinking!

 

Me too

 

My partner of well over a decade isn't into oral on either side of things. She's a great person, mother and enjoys other things however. I should get rid of her because she doesn't want her pussy eaten all the time if I'm reading this right. This is truly horrible advice.

 

Three words - communication, communication, communication. It's too easy to get stuck in a rut (and I've been there) where communication shuts down because of stress, hormones, you name it. And you don't want to make your partner feel guilty for not responding to your desires, because that can make it worse. So you need to talk.

 

Agreed

 

This seems all about you and your needs. My wife has a low sex drive so I get it. That said you can't make it all about what you want and your fantasies. Chasity has helped us being I can't pester her for sex so I get more attention now just not piv. Do nice things she enjoys not just honey tie me up take the cattle brand to me. This screams topping from bottom when it's supposed to be about her not you. If you make it about her first the results can be amazing. Our sex life is amazing now just doesn't involve me getting off or being inside her all the time.