For My Wife

Reading MsPamela's journal has been quite an experience. I'm only partway through, there's a lot to read!

I was mortified to see so many intimate details of my life on the screen. As she has said, I am a much more private person and reading all of this was uncomfortable at times.

I am humbled by the amount of thought and care MsPamela puts into our relationship. I get to experience the amazing results. I never realized how much mental energy she devotes to it. I am grateful.

When she writes about her thoughts I can practically hear her talking to me. When she writes about one of our scenes it is different. I would forget it was her. Some of them were very hot. It was surreal. I would get really excited by the story. I would think "that's a lot like something that happened to me". Then remember yes, it IS me, and be a embarrassed by it all.

Mistress Pamela, if you are reading this... please write some erotic fiction! I don't care what it's about. I just want to read more without having to suffer erotica whiplash (a little known, but very disorienting ailment).

I know she would like me to share my side of the this chastity experience. I need a little more time to collect my thoughts. I suppose one good thing about all the details already being "out there" is that I really don't have anything to hide. If you've read her journal then you already know those secrets. Maybe that will make this easier.

 

Being locked 24/7 has been a profoundly changing experience. For example, I now give Mistress Pamela foot rubs every day. I could have done that without chastity, if I made a point of it. It probably would have felt like a chore a lot of the time. But now I am eager to do it. I enjoy it. I look forward to the next time. To me that is the biggest difference that chastity has made. I genuinely enjoy doing all of those little things to serve her.

I'm horny nearly all the time. That's good and bad. Most of the time I like the anticipation, and when Mistress Pamela unlocks me for some teasing it feels amazing. Better even than those old pre-chastity orgasms. There's always a momentary disappointment when she stops. But it is worth it. The frustration can become overwhelming. I think it happens mostly on days that she leaves me locked, especially if I thought I was going to be unlocked and something changed at the last moment. Sometimes it's ok. Other times I begin to resent the cage, and that leads to long, difficult nights. An orgasm that is still two months away is no consolation. A few times the frustration has reduced me to tears. I don't think she knows that.

I miss being able to have an erection whenever I want. Mistress Pamela has controlled my orgasms for a great many years. But before chastity, I was still able to stroke myself whenever I felt like it. I was always careful not to go too far. But even an erection and a few strokes would feel very nice in the middle of the day. I probably depended on that more than I'd like to admit. I can't do that any more. I'm wholly dependent on her unlocking me. Giving up control so completely has been difficult, but in the end it feels good to surrender that fully to her. I do not want to go back.

I both love and hate that Mistress Pamela is so strict about my orgasms. The hate part is obvious. I enjoy a little orgasm denial, maybe a week or so. Three months is way too long. The love part is more subtle. Something about her firm no-nonsense approach to it really turns me on. Most of the time she's incredibly caring and compassionate. Then she'll say "no" in a stern matter-of-fact way and it is electric. Not long ago she asked me for some ideas to reward me. My first suggestion was an orgasm, and the way she just completely dismissed it really got into my head. I guess I love hearing "no", but still struggle with the consequences.

I am grateful that Mistress Pamela indulged me by trying 24/7 chastity all those months ago. It is quite different from what I expected, but I wouldn't want to go back. The last eighteen months have been wonderful. I hope she is getting as much out of it as I am.

 

I am very conflicted about Mistress Pamela's writing. Some of it amazes me. I am touched and proud to be her husband. Some if it is hard for me to read. Not because of her, but because of me. I don't like seeing myself in photos, regardless of the photographer's skill.

I am not sure how much I will write. It does not come naturally for me. But this is important to Mistress Pamela and I am trying to approach it more openly.

 

Yes, I AM very frustrated.

I should have provided some context. Mistress Pamela has controlled my orgasms for many years. We were on the honor system, and I usually only had to wait a week or two. I enjoyed it, and a week wasn't really "denial". We switched to 24/7 chastity a year and a half ago, and she started making me wait much longer. Monthly at first, and then three months. Giving up that control so completely has been an intense experience. I love where we are at, but sometimes I struggle with it.

 

I have been thinking about boundaries. I used to know what mine were, but chastity has scrambled everything. I like to think I was a pretty good husband before chastity. I could point to plenty of instances of doing something to make Mistress Pamela happy. But since we started chastity, the urge to please her is incredibly strong. For the most part it is great - I get a lot of satisfaction from making her happy, and she is happy. I trust her completely and know she would never want me to do something harmful.

But it feels like my boundaries are being erased. Typing this message is a perfect example. I'm doing something I said I'd never do, because I know Mistress Pamela wants me to try and I want to please her. I'm not saying it is a bad thing. It is uncomfortable, but I can see some good in there too. Maybe a month or a year from now I will love it. My concern isn't about the specific activity, but rather how easily the map of my boundaries was redrawn.

I say I won't do X. Then she really wants me to try, so I say ok I can try X as long as you don't ask for Y. Then later the boundary has been pushed back to Z. Maybe it's all ok. Maybe those boundaries were stupid and I'm better off without them. Our happiness over the past year and a half is an awfully good argument for that.

It scares me and I'm not sure how to deal with that. Maybe I really have to let go of my old notion of boundaries being some sort of static thing. Maybe it's ok that they keep shifting. "I'm not ready for X right now" instead of "I won't do X".

The immediate dilemma is with respect to Jennifer. Everything moved very fast. It felt like Mistress Pamela nudged against a new boundary every day. Thankfully there has been a pause while we all catch our breath. But the question is still hanging there. Jennifer wants me to "serve" both of them while I am naked. I don't know what that means. I worry that if I even start to make a boundary, we'll just move it and move it again. It feels out of control. Maybe I should just let go completely and tell Mistress Pamela that I'll do whatever she thinks best. She's led us this far and I trust her completely. It's tempting, but also very scary.

 

The thing is I'm not sure where to draw the "intimate" line. That's what was giving me the most trouble... figuring out which things are ok and which things are over that line. If I thought our marriage was in danger that would be a hard stop. But I also know Mistress Pamela will protect our marriage with a ferocity I could not hope to match, and I trust her judgement. She isn't really as reckless as she sometimes imagines herself to be.

 

Yes, exactly. I think I'm starting to realize that. It's still hard for me to take those steps, but believe it's a good thing to do.

 

It's not a hard limit for me. If it was, I'm certain Mistress Pamela would understand and she'd drop the matter entirely.

She has made it very clear that orgasms are not up for negotiation. Being allowed to tease her would be a wonderful reward. I probably should have asked for that before agreeing to anything.