I've read numerous posts from members who are struggling with wives who are no longer interested in sex, physical intimacy, etc. And most of their reactions to chastity range from indifference to hostile rejection. Most of you have offered great encouragement to take the long view and focus on efforts to demonstrate love and care towards the indifferent / hostile spouse. I came across this article from 2 days ago about increasing divorce rates among 50-70 year olds that is troubling. But it comes as no surprise based on the anecdotal evidence from this site (CM). The cause of the problem identified in this article is usually a lack of emotional connectedness - "emotional betrayal, a neglecting or outright denial of core needs, wants, and preferences." The good news is there is hope! The latter portion of the article provides some simple, practical suggestions for opening communication in a marriage that can lead to greater emotional connectedness. I hope you find it useful. If you give these suggestions a try, report back here the results of your efforts. I plan to try implementing them myself starting today.
Never to late! I can see why this is an issue. Men watch porn and women read romance. Both partners develop unrealistic expectations of each other. Both go through life wishing their partner would change. Chasity brings hope! When a man submits with chastity he becomes teachable, the woman can very easily mold him, he WANTS to change for HER pleasure.
I didn't read the article, but I believe that a relationship is related to many things and actions. It's not just sex, it's not just everyday. It's the whole work. Intimacy is not sex all the time. Intimacy is being able to talk openly (and without judgment) with the person next to you. Believing in it, in trust. Sex is important, but for most of us, pleasure comes in many ways, not necessarily just from PIV. I see that many relationships end up with the man expecting "X" from the woman, and the woman expecting "Y" from the man. But neither one talks to the other about these feelings, or when they does, both are not prepared for the consequences of the conversation, the free understanding, and the space for adaptation of "X" and "Y" to generate a common "Z" to the couple.
I have noticed this too. It makes sense, for years and years the husband has been wanting his wife to do this and that for his sexual desire, naturally a wife would think this is just another sex game of his. In my marriage I have found chastity works wonders when I give my chastity to my wife as a gift. She does not have to do anything except be the recipient of an enthusiastic romancer/lover. I think it is rare that a wife grabs the key and dives into this lifestyle without some sort of prelude.
As some here know, I started following CM to discover FLR dynamics from real sources and not from stories or movies, in order to make a comic story.But I can tell my experience regarding this thread. I have been married for 23 years, today my wife is in menopause. But for many years now, her sexual desire is very different from mine. It would be enough for her to do PIV once or twice a month to satisfy her sexual libido. I would like to do it much more also because I love my wife's body. Plus she doesn't seem to need cuddles most of the time, and she hardly spontaneously caresses or kisses me during the day. There are times when this is very frustrating for me, but she doesn't seem to fully understand it. The good thing is, when she decides to have sex, I couldn't wish for a better lover.
Interesting. I got divorced in my mid 30s against my wishes, our relationship was never based around each other's needs of us desires. Although I was open to her needs in bed, in reality I had no real interest in her other needs as she had zero interest in my needs or desires in the bedroom. In short, we were incompatible, but while young and care free it worked, post children things fell apart quickly. On hindsight, divorce was the right decision because we'd both have suffered indefinitely. I now have a partner where both are a 100% focused on what each other needs and desires. That doesn't mean we always want the same thing but we understand that that's OK. AFAIK we have a have no secrets. Although @MissAmy would literally beat my arse if I claimed we had an open relationship, we have a relationship that is open enough to be able to tell each other what we need to be satisfied. I don't imagine there'll be a a time where I desired sex with another woman, but if there was, I know I could talk to her about it. I think getting to your 50's and being in a relationship which has not truly ever worked and realising it's now or never is the main cause of divorce, it's not that a good relationship falls apart. Now, everyone has a different definition of a good relationship, but I'd say the same vast majority view sexual satisfaction as a nice to have added bonus in a relationship rather than a core requirement. That's where I feel the root of these issues come from.
My Wife(KH) and I started MC four years ago, I was 58 and she was 68. My Wife(KH) had gone through her change of life in her 50's. PIV sex stopped soon after that. I think we still had a good sex life. We did a lot of oral sex and would masturbate for each other. When I found out about cages and MC, I asked her if this was something she would like to try. She "Googled" it and we couldn't get our first cage here fast enough. From the first day she put that cage on and locked it, it's been a game changer. We have talked more about our likes and dislikes about sex more than we ever had. We have been married 33 years now. We both have talked about what would have happened if we would have started MC right away. She told me if she would have known about it, she would have had me locked in a "Cock cage" from day one. I love the way our life is now, my Wife(KH) is happy, I'm happy. She controls my penis the way she wants to and enjoys all the benefits that go along with MC...So I think it's never to late...JMHO
There's a video seminar series called "Love & Respect". It is based on a Bible verse, Ephesians 5:33, which is paraphrased, "Husband's love your wives.... Wives respect your husbands." The general premise is, men (in general) understand respect but don't know how to love a woman. Women understand love but don't know how to respect a man. That is, men show other men they care by showing respect. Women show other women they care by showing love. Women have difficulty expressing "love" in a meaningful way toward the man in their relationship because they don't understand the man's need for respect. And men have difficulty expressing love in a meaningful way to the woman because they don't understand the woman's need for love. In other words, relationally men have a different "language" than women. (Of course these are all general concepts, I hope you get what I'm trying to say.) You may ask, what in the world does this have to do with the topic at hand?? Well, I'm trying to make the point (poorly, I suppose) that until men and women in relationships figure out how to unlock the secret of showing care and love for their mate in a way that is meaningful to that mate, there will likely be friction in the relationship. Hence divorcing mostly because one of you is either tired of trying to love but hitting a brick wall, or tired of not feeling loved in a way that is meaningful. One thing I love about the concept of "chastity" is that it constantly keeps at the front of my mind that I have to figure out the meaningful ways to love my wife whether she's on board or not. If I am successful, she responds to me. If I am not successful, I go back to the drawing board. It's all on me to love my wife in a way that is meaningful to her. I have no right to demand that she love me in a way that is meaningful to me, but I do know that if I get it right, she responds in a loving way that pleases me.
And strangely enough, she understands that denying my orgasms is pleasing to me and she will participate in that as I love her in the ways that make her feel loved.
Over dinner Sunday night, I mentioned this article and the findings. It didn't seem to surprise D. She understood that we were in that place not too long ago although we weren't thinking of ending our marriage; only that our relationship had dried up. I threw out the first discussion question at the end of the article "Are we sharing influence easily and mutually?" And this didn't generate any discussion because the answer in her mind was a simple "Yes". My response was "We've come a long way in a short time." The second question hit a nerve. "Do we know each other's hopes and fears?" Her hopes & fears centered around outcomes for the families of our 3 married children. Mine were about our future and the uncertainties of life especially as one ages. This was a little unsettling for her. All in all, it generated good discussion. It was good to get those things out on the table and together think through how we would handle them together! So this doesn't sound like it has anything to do with chastity, does it? But actually it's exactly where chastity has lead me/us; to exploring our feelings & emotional connectedness so that we can have greater intimacy. As one fellow CMer suggested to me, maybe she desires emotional intimacy & romance as much as I desire physical pleasure. But ultimately I think we both want / need the former more than the latter which then becomes the whipped cream & cherry on top of the sundae.
I wish and hope that would not be the case. But I'm finding a lot of anecdotal evidence on this site of men who can't seem to reignite the spark in their marriage despite their efforts to cage themselves and change. I fear there are many who have no success, give up and we never hear from them again in this forum. However, on the flip side, chastity can produce benefits for even the single man that will improve his social life dramatically. So, in that sense, your statement is absolutely true!