So... i have been given the task of keeping a journal/blog. The frequency of which will take place at least once a week, or if i have ideas, fantasies, or general questions that happen to reside, formulate, and circulate in what i call a mind. As talk of this started, Mistress and i discussed the option of putting it in a public forum. i brought it up because i like the idea of having feedback, both positive and negative. For me, it has been a bit weird and difficult to be a male slave. This for the fact that within our local community, which i love, the submissives/slave/bottoms are made up of mostly women. There is no issue there, but there isn't a sub-community that understands the dynamic of a female-led relationship. And from the brief encounters on this particular site, we decided that this was an appropriate venue. Along with the positive attitude that we have encountered thus far. i digress... For the past few months, i have been an emotional terror! i won't deny this. It seemed that everything in life was getting to me: work, friends, family, etc. etc. etc. And it all came to a head in the past week. Neither of us were practicing what we preached, and our relationship was becoming a shadow of itself. It was becoming hard not to leave things at the door, and we became so caught up in trying to be what we read and saw, not spending time on what we do and who we are. i do lay the blame solely upon myself. The reason: i was a shadow of myself. i wasn't the person she fell in love with 12 years ago, and instead of the natural progression of our lives into this lifestyle; i focused on what it should be not what it is. Add on top of the stress that I began to feel because of my (pardon my french) shitty attitude. It affected everything: work, family, friends, and ultimately us. But, we had a breakthrough! It was such a relief to know what was going on in my head and with her right there i knew that change was possible. i will always be me. Me? A males slave who plays/writes music, who writes, who is goofy, sometimes funny, and who worships Mistress. It is fairly simple. i also came to the understanding that my attitude extended outwards to everything! Wow, everything! i was disrespectful, and it i am a reflection of Mistress. At work, at play, and amongst other slaves, submissives, dominants, Masters, bottoms, and tops. What a revelation! So, now the journey truly begins. i am starting to find myself, and with that i can only truly serve!
Yeah... Week two has start and now i can feel the frustration and tension build. Especially after this weekends events. Since we had a break through in our relationship things have started to change. The changes have been very positive, and i have noticed that i have been enjoying the aspect of servitude to Mistress. i don't know how much of this is because of chastity, or the fact that we have started to understand each other and communicate with each other better. There is always a sexual aspect to a M/s lifestyle, but just the concept of making her happy has started to be more of an incentive than whether i am going to be spank, orgasm, or have her do what i want. A great example is both Saturday and Sunday. I set about doing my assigned chores. No expectations of sexual gratification or the release. i was actually fine with this thought, and of all places to have this occur was when I was on my hands and knees washing the floor next to Mistress side of the bed. Can you see it, hands inside a bucket of soapy water and thinking "this is where i belong." i can't say that it was a great revelation, but it felt good to actually feel that i was in my place. On my hands and knees, and at her feet. This is where i have found myself for the majority of the time. It feels good. This extended itself to the sexual side as well. We went to a social/play party that is held here in St. Louis every month and I could tell that she was in a very good mood. Which resulted in a lot of fun after we had left. Though i held back. While we are there i usually end up being annoying. "Huh huh huh wanna play wanna play...please Ma'am PLEASE." Almost to the point where i would start to sound like Roger Rabbit. And what Mistress needs that. Huh huh huh? Instead I resigned myself to being relaxed but attentive to her needs while we were there. i knew that if we were to play that is her decision. i have accepted the fact that i must be ready for what she wants, when she wants. It is not my place to bug her and i only now realize that my constant talking and pestering was more of a turn off than it was me getting what i wanted. Which usually ended up in an experience that neither of us was satisfied with. i love the element of surprise, the knowing that at any moment anything is possible, and knowing that now i am her for her. That fantasy has become a reality and i have a little better understanding now than i did in the past. Sunday i spent the majority of the day finishing up the chores that i was unable to finish the prior day. Mistress had another surprise in store for me when it came time to clean up. Just like each time before we shower i was in my knees waiting her to remove my collar, as i kneel there she informed me that i had to get the water ready so that she could douche me. Promptly i grabbed what i needed. Made sure the water was at the right temperature. Bringing in the supplies to the bed room i returned to my rightful position and awaited her arrival. After she arrived i was quickly told to get into position. Her fingers slide in and prepared me. Unlike previous times where it took on an almost clinical nature, she was still in a playful mood. Decided to see if she could challenge me. Seeing if i could retain the water. She brought out a cane and began to see how long it would take until i almost lost it. Ok, i know i have completely gone off track and do you really want to hear the gruesome details of our sex life? Sorry... i will ended here by saying that after a shower i was subject to being her plaything and feeling her top me by being her source of amusement. The feeling of her hands on my hips as i truly became her bitch. Yes, it was a good weekend.
Today was suppose to be Mistress last day of work before she goes back to school full-time. Due to an unfortunate incident that happened yesterday, the doctor said that she had to be on light duty. They told her to just go home. Just a bit of history: Mistress worked with children who are autistic and have special needs. She loved her job, even if the staff had axes to grind, and loved the kids she worked with more! It is really hard for to see her hurt like this even though she says that she is fine but she will never have closure. i know she wanted to say goodbye before she moved on. i love her so much and i am so proud of her. i know that we will move on, but the hurt and inability to say goodbye is going to linger for a while.
Argh!!!! i know that it isn't my fault, but to a certain degree i want to think that it was. i, for some odd reason, could not get myself out of a head-space that left me depressed, a space cadet, and in general not a good slave. Luckily Mistress understood that i was in a state that couldn't really be corrected by physical or mental conditioning. i will have to say that i am thankful that she let me be Mister Mopey all weekend. What killed me was the fact that i was in such a great mood Friday afternoon, but something changed as we sat in the Chinese restaurant. Most of which came when we talked about my family. They have been an albatross around my neck for sometime. No matter how much i try to ignore the insults and the failed attempts at their humiliation...not the good humiliation that i encounter at the hands of Mistress, but the humiliation that occurs when someone's insecurities are threatened, which i don't even know why they would feel like that. i would like to attribute most of my mood to that, and for the most part that was where it came from. Mistress is kind. She sat me down and let me know that it was ok that i was feeling like this. It was ok for me to take sometime for myself, talked to me about what was on my mind, and let me express those feeling to her. i hate the feeling of being a basket case, but every-once-in-a-while we as humans need to do this. But, there is a silver lining. Yeah, a silver lining. After my chores were done. Yes i did my chores, begrudgingly but i still did them. That is my job, and even if i am in a funky mood i know that by doing the simplest and minial of tasks i still can please her. Anyways i am starting to digress a bit aren't i? Back to the point! i was allowed to work on music after my chores were finished. Even though i blogged Saturday about some of the thoughts that were going on, but the emotions and everything came through in the little bit of music that i wrote. There was a weird catharsis that i hadn't felt when dealing with these emotions, but the full effects didn't take place until today. i felt better, rejuvenated, and willing to please her in all the ways that i am meant to. Things are back to normal, and to prove it: A little tease and denial in the shower, good milking session, and being lock back in chastity. Yeah, i left out the fact that i was let out for cleaning and to let some raw skin heal. i feel better, and ready to get back to my job at hand. i know i have Mistress by my side, and with all the drama from friends and family it is her that i live for. i don't have time to deal with the immaturity of all the BS that surrounds a lifestyle based community (or at least the one here, there are too many brats out there) or the childish antics of a family. Especially since the family doesn't know how to deal with, understand, or even talk to me. The only criticism of myself is that i didn't open up to her sooner and let myself go deeper within my own thoughts.